A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Recently at my college I became interested in a girl in my class, and she became interested in me. We got to know each other, and eventually we started dating. The relationship seemed as if it was going smoothly, however it only lasted a few months as she decided to break up with me. About two or three days later, she was with a new boyfriend, and it became clear that she left me because she preferred him (other people had also told me that they were ‘getting close’ whilst we were still in a relationship, I thought nothing of it at the time).This was my first relationship, and comes about a year after I was heartbroken when I asked a girl who I’d been interested in for years and she turned me down. Now, I’m feeling a complicated mix of emotions - first and foremost, my confidence is shot. I feel like a romantic disaster, like I have the worst luck in relationships and that it’s because I don’t look good enough, or I’m not a good enough person, etc. At the same time, I feel like I don’t want to be in another relationship again, because every time I’ve hurt myself trying. On the other hand, I feel lonely when I see other people in happy relationships themselves. Is it normal that I don’t want to be in a relationship, but feel lonely because I’m not in a relationship? All replies are appreciated - thanks in advance.
View related questions:
confidence, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (14 June 2020):
 Hello, it says here you're around 17-18? Yes, that is pretty normal especially for your age. So many guys your age feel the same way, so guess what, they screw up their relationships. You are on the right track not being in a relationship while you have these feelings.
But this will pass as you mature and later on, you will see that break-ups happen because 2 people are just not meant for each other.
Do not ever feel you are a romantic disaster, no one is, unless they deliberately ruin their relationships. You just need to meet the right person for you. Not necessarily a perfect human being but someone who is perfect for your personality. Just be yourself, take care of yourself. People who love themselves are irresistibly attractive. They even don't have to be good looking.
Good luck and feel free to reply.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (11 June 2020):
 Yes it is normal to feel lonely but want to be alone.
I suggest that you take time out to focus on yourself. To engage with other people your age on a friendship level and to focus on your studies. You have the opportunity to truly get to know yourself. To figure out who you are, what you like, what your dealbreakers are in relationships and what you'd like your future to look like in every aspect. This is a good time to focus on YOU. When you get to know yourself, you will learn that being alone doesn't have to mean that you're lonely. There are benefits that come with being alone especially when you're young. Turn this into a positive. You will be better for it in the long run.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2020): Now is the best time to focus on your studies. You can still socialize and make friends on-campus. You're at a tender age where trying to maintain steady and reliable romantic-relationships will be immensely challenging, due to being so young.
You are approaching manhood, but you still have a long way to go. Part of being a man, is knowing that you have to control the feeling of being a loser; just because you don't always get what you want. It is easy to perceive everyone is happy who has what you don't have. That's envy whispering lies in your ear; and it brings out the childishness and pouting you have to work-on outgrowing. Some dudes never outgrow it! Don't be one of those guys! They become bullies, and take-out their frustrations on other people! They become bitter, and feel entitled...like life and everybody owes them something. You're at the age you should learn to avoid that kind of behavior.
Expect most of your youthful romantic-connections to be brief. Enjoy them while they last. You'll someday break somebody's heart too! This is a lesson on how it feels.
Teenagers between 15-17, are just coming out of puberty; and their maturity-levels vary. Trying to start "serious" or "lasting" relationships when both aren't at the same maturity-level...well...in your age-group, that is likely to keep you always in a state of mending your broken-heart! You're still kids, and being too serious when you're too young; leads too many young people into depression, and becoming too emotionally-distracted.
Guys and young ladies your age should be having fun in an assortment of ways! Not trying to be adults too soon; when your brains haven't psychologically developed and matured to an emotional-level capable of enduring heartbreak, rejection, and disappointment. Which often hits us all at once! You will see it throughout your lifetime; and you have to learn to get used to it. It is one of your survival-skills.
Sometimes people don't feel the same for you as you feel for them. It doesn't make you ugly and unattractive. It just means you're not the one. Obviously, they're not the one for you either! You get-over them, and you get-over yourself! No whining or beating yourself up. Stuff happens!
Consider sports, get a hobby, and maybe a job. Getting too serious about girls when they're still somewhat of a child might be frustrating. They can't be all that serious about one boy; and when they are; often their grades suffer, they are distracted from studies, and they aren't emotionally prepared for sudden disturbances like breakups...or discovering their love-dove is cheating! Then the drama crushes them completely, and it's the end of the world! Look out the window, everything and everybody is still there! They don't all have boyfriends or girlfriends! Life goes on!
You must learn to bounce-back; because at any age, dating or relationships can be difficult. You don't start putting yourself down, or wading in self-pity when things don't workout. Nor do you sit around concerned and envious about what other people have. You get what you need and deserve when your time comes. Until then, you have fun! You work on yourself, and set the goal to be a good man. You enjoy being young; and stop looking for reasons to dive into a depression over things you can't have or control! Like far too many kids your age do. You have plenty of time left to form relationships; and they are better when you gain enough maturity to deal with things when they don't workout. Without collapsing into depression...or worse! In the real-world, there is sadness and disappointment. Good-people and bad-people, and it takes time for you to gain the experience necessary to handle all this brings. If you give-up now, when you have so far to go...what will you be in another five years? Why don't you find other things to make yourself feel happy, until your heartbreak eases-up?
If it's getting to you too much, you need to speak to one of your parents for an uplifting and some parental-advice. You're just a kid, and you're trying-out romance. That takes a little time and practice, to gain traction through accumulating some experience. Which includes success and failure. If it breaks your heart too easily, you're not old enough to handle it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 June 2020):
 It happens OP.
Your first GF was immature, just like you, and that is OK. She wanted to date someone else and dumped you for him. IT HAPPENS. It's not about you - which I know sounds weird, but it's about the girl who ended it. SHE decided I think Guy B is a better fit for me than Guy A (you).
You might also at one point date someone and realize "this one is not such a great match, we have nothing in common, I don't like her as much as "that other one" or whatever other reason. Someone dumping you for someone else or rejecting you as a potential BF doesn't mean they do it out of malice OR that there is something "wrong" with you.
My second BF was someone I had had a crush on as a pre-teen (he was a friend of my brother's) and when we met again (I was 24) we started dating and I realized pretty quickly that he was amazingly sweet and kind but we had NOTHING in common. So I ended it. It was the right thing to do. There was nothing wrong with this guy WHATSOEVER. He just wasn't "right" for me and I wasn't "right" for him.
If you let ONE (or two or 5) rejections keep you from pursuing a relationship or a girl, then you will have a pretty lonely life, OP. EVERYONE (girls included) gets rejected at some point. It will happen romantically, it will happen when you apply for a job, try and rent or buy a place to live, getting a loan etc. REJECTION happens.
Think about this, make a list (it can be a mental list, this isn't homework .) WHAT do you have to offer a GF and what are you looking for in a GF?
What qualities do you like in GF? Can you yourself MATCH those?
If you give up because you had ONE relationship that ended and got rejected by another girl, how are you going to handle life in general? Not everything will go your way. YOU have to learn to adapt, roll with the punches and pick yourself back up and carry on.
You are not entitled to a GF. You (like EVERYONE else) have to work for it. Just because you had been interested in a girl for years doesn't mean she OWES you to date her or that SHE felt the same.
Dust yourself off. And relax. Neither girl #1 or #2 were right for you. How do I know that? Because it didn't work out.
Chin up. Half the world's population is female. There are going to be plenty of other girls who might and will be a good fir for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 June 2020):
 Let me tell you something based on experience (as I am way older than you): you cannot be a failure until you give up trying. Dating is all about "trying before buying". NONE of the relationships work out until you find the one which does, and then you understand why the previous ones were not for you. I have had 8 serious relationships in my lifetime (by that I mean ones which lasted at least 12 months). I finished 5 of those because I decided they were not right for me. 2 of them were finished by my boyfriends because THEY decided I was not right for them. On all 7 occasions it was very upsetting and I felt like I had failed in some way. Now I am with my partner, with whom I have been for nearly 15 years, and I cannot imagine my life with ANY of the other 7, much as I felt they were right for me at the time. Today I look back and ask myself "What on earth were you thinking? Why did you waste 12 months of your life on that guy?" I also had a number of shorter relationships which didn't get past the first few dates before it became obvious they were not going to work out. I tell you this to show you ALL relationships end before you find the right one. It is not "failure"; it is just how it works.
Just as another example, one of my male colleagues (similar age to me) is on his 3rd marriage. His first wife married him, persuaded him to adopt her son from a previous relationship, then dumped the boy on him and ran off with another women. His second wife was bedding 2 of his friends all the way through their relationship. He learned about this when one of the friends found out about the other and told him. He then had a long term girlfriend who dumped him for the builder who was doing some work on their house. Years of dating followed, until he met his current wife. They have been married for over 20 years, have 2 lovely children together and she really is the love of his life, but it took 2 previous marriages and a lot of other relationships for him to get to where he is today.
The girl who turned you down for a date? She wasn't right for you. She may have turned you down for 100 reasons, none of them anything to do with your looks. Given your age, perhaps she was not allowed to date. Perhaps you caught her on the back foot and she didn't know how to respond. Perhaps she is just not interested in dating anyone. Perhaps, the same as you, she was "interested" in someone else.
Your ex girlfriend? She wasn't right for you either. At your age people tend to work their way through a lot of potential partners who are not right for them. The odds are, she will not last very long with the new boyfriend either.
You need to stop thinking this is all about how you look. You got a girlfriend so she must have been attracted to you before her short attention span shifted to someone else. Regardless of how you look, you are not going to be everyone's cup of tea. She will not have started dating you and then suddenly noticed you were unattractive. She could see how attractive you were BEFORE she dated you.
This is the best advice I can give you: make the best of what you have and be a nice person. Looks may attract some of the ladies but will not keep them. A good personality will attract many more ladies and keep them interested.
Make sure you always look smart and clean. You never know when someone may be noticing you. Be fastidious about hygiene. There is nothing more off-putting than someone who does not keep themselves clean. Accept that, just as you are not attracted to every female you see, not all females will be attracted to you. That's life. Don't take it personally.
Most importantly, work on your personality. Be a nice person. Smile at people, regardless of gender. Show an interest in people. Ask them how they are doing. Listen to them when they talk. Show empathy. Being a good person is what will find you the right person for you. In the meantime, enjoy dating all the ones who are not right for you, as that can be fun too. Instead of thinking of yourself as a failure because you asked out one girl and lost another, think of it as "I was brave enough to ask out a girl, even though she was obviously not right for me, so I know I can do this." Also "I have one relationship under my belt. I now have a bit more of an idea of what I want in a girl/relationship. She was not right for me but the next one might be."
Don't look for another relationship until you are over the last one. Spend time with your friends and doing things you enjoy on your own. When someone catches your eye, get to know her as a friend first so you can gauge her personality and then, if you think you would like to date her, ask her out for a coffee or a drink or to see a film (obviously we are talking about after all this lock down stuff) and take it from there.
Good luck. You are not a failure. Every step forward is a success. You will get knock-backs in ALL areas of life but, as long as you get back up, you have not failed.
...............................
|
