A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, long story, and any advice from the women on this forum who have been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. My girlfriend of 5 yrs left me this past week. I am going through what you might expect. Complete loss of appetite, sleepless nights, bouts of helplessness, jealousy, anger, suspicion, all of it....and regret. We were engaged and in love. About 3 years into our relationship,I was feeling a bit of malaise in our relationship, and having never had a serious relationship before this, just dates, I began to wonder if I was missing anything. Typical, right? I know. I was so blind. Anyway, this was when I made a HUGE mistake and started talking to another woman. I told my fiance that I was having doubts and that I thought we should separate for a while to figure things out. She was very hurt, I can't stand to think of the reasons I gave her for the split, but suffice it to say, they were foolish and hurtful and I've regretted them ever since. The other woman was a friend of a friend and we went out a few times, secretly. There was never any sex, it was just an awkward, distasteful experience. It just felt all wrong. I felt like an emotional fugitive from justice and my mental state was akin to an escapee from an insane asylum. I didn't know which way was up. I was running for my life inside my head. My feelings for my fiance were still so prevalent in my heart and mind and here I was dating another person just a few days out from the breakup. I think I did it because I couldn't stand being alone. I would periodically check in with my now, ex-fiance to give her some kind of reassurance that it would work itself out, because I was so unsure myself of what I was doing and what I felt. This breakup lasted all of a couple of weeks before I came back, truly repentant of my actions and hoping she would never find out about the other woman. I knew that another woman was not what I needed, i just needed a wake up call. Well, naturally, my fiance did find out about the other woman a few days after we reunited. There was a huge, horribly emotional confrontation scene and we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together several times over the past two years and now here we are again, broke up. She had a flirtation with another guy while we were apart and together after all of this happened. Even when we were both supposed to be giving it 100%. I was angry and hurt (a taste of my own medicine) but I forgave her and after the cold shoulder for a couple weeks, said I forgave her and that I can't judge you when I did the same. The reasons she gives for this most recent break-up are that she just feels like she is not what I really want, that she is second best in my eyes. She says she can't be in a relationship right now, and that if she is independent for a while, she will build up her confidence on her own and maybe we will have a chance at happiness with one another in the future. I love her desperately, but I am also a guy with a brain. We have been through a lot, and we have not been in a place of our own for two years, staying with family. It has been very hard and I know has also put a strain on our relationship. She says she is afraid that I will want nothing to do with her anymore and has contacted me several times since she left and says that it is all she can do to keep from running back to me. She was crying and says she needs to be on her own to build up her confidence for us both. Yes we have had a hard time, it has been difficult but it is also the most natural thing in the world when we are together. We have a lot in common and a strong connection. Yes, soulmates. So, when we have broken up in the past, there always seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. But, I am very worried this time that it may be permanent. I have been advised to adopt a no contact policy and allow her some time to think about what she wants, but she calls my mother for advice, calls me or texts me asking me not to expel her from my life, but also saying she doesn't want a relationship right now. Tell me. What do i do? Talk or no talk? Does this sound like she wants to try again in the future, or just an easy let down? Thanks, for your time and advice. Please, don't be harsh. I know I screwed up.
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broke up, confidence, engaged, fiance, flirt, got back together, jealous, period, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,
I just want to thank everyone that has weighed in on this so far. Your opinions are appreciated. I figured I would provide an update on the situation as it currently stands. It has now been two full weeks since she left. Our contact has decreased, and it has done so in part because her tone seems more and more determined to be apart and on her own.
I gave her a call to let her know that I was here for her and that I just wanted to hear her voice. That I missed her. Her tone seemed thankful at the beginning, she said she had missed just talking to me about everyday things and that she missed me too.
I was encouraged by this and we talked about how we both were going through a lot of pain and had lost weight and everything. It was at this point that she asked me a question about my motives for calling. She said that she wasn't looking to be in a relationship with me or anyone and that basically if those were my hopes, to leave them at the door. She naturally put it much more gently than this, but the message was the same.
I answered that I did just call to speak with her but I wanted to know if she still felt as she had the day she left. Did she still see a future for us. She began to cry and said that maybe if we could just start over somehow, meet as strangers in the future, but the she said "but we can't meet as strangers".
So,...sigh...I figured that she was making up her mind not to see mee anymore. That she was going to be on her own, she even said that it is unrealistic for us to believe we can just be friends at this point.
We usually go about a day before one of us is compelled to contact the other, usually via text message. I have contacted her more than she has contacted me. But early Tuesday morning, after almost a day with no contact, she texted me and said "This is hard for me everyday." When I responded, I told her that I love her and I don't believe we belong apart. Well, she wrote back and apologized for texting, she said that she was having a weak moment and that she was lonely and apologized for the pain she was causing me. She said she is determined to rely on herself and not another man.
Oh, what do I do? Leave her alone to decide what she wants? It seems that I am not improving the situation by being so readily available. I can feel her absense. It feels sometimes that she is a stranger to me. I love her, she says she still loves me but then says our memories are something I will always treasure, or you will always be a big part of my heart, like she is bidding farewell to our past.
For all the kindhearted women here, after what I have told you, what are your feelings?
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 February 2010):
My advice is to keep in touch with her and ask to continue to see her just as a friend. Go out for coffee and cake or even a dinner regularly where you can connect as friends and not discuss any romantic stuff. Don't pressure her for a relationship; just pick her up and drop her off with a friendly kiss without trying to paw her in any way. That way, she continues to see what kind of guy you are. If you use the cut off method, in your case, you are driving her away. The cut off method only works in cases where she is seeing someone but if you use it in your case, she will fall straight into the arms of another man.
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A
female
reader, SsCcHh  +, writes (16 February 2010):
 I can tell you realised your mistake, and it seems you do truly love your ex-fiancé. It seems though that your past actions have confused her somewhat, & as a woman myself, I know that sometimes the actions of your loved one can cause such a change in your own personality and that, it seems she is now searching for her own answers, as she says 'building up her confidence again'.
You, as you said 'having a taste of your own medicine' must of shown you the pain you feel when in a situation like that, I'm sure you (even though forgiven her) still feel uneasy, due to fear of loss, and it is obvious to me, thats exactly how your ex-fiancé feels.
I believe there is hope for your future, she seems to be in a really hard place right now, but it's obvious that the space she is telling you she needs is obviously a facade. I know I'm not in her shoes, but I believe she needs to know that your really there. That your 100% sure of your love for her, and prove that (although in the past you've questioned this) there is nobody for you, but her. You called yourselves 'soulmates', and to me this shows your true feelings for her. My advice is to simply let her know she is the one, and that your willing to wait for her to be ready again. Wait patiently for her, and she will come back, happier and more in love with you than ever before.
I hope I've been of help.
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