A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question is directed mainly at the guys, but ladies please feel free to answer too :) My current boyfriend is my first for everything, and hopefully he'll be my last! We're a long distance couple, have been together for two years now and I love him very much. The thing is, jealousy gets the better of me every time he hangs out with one of his exes (there were two, she was his first and he never sees the second). It doesn't happen very often, maybe once a month, but I always end up feeling terrible when it does.My boyfriend has told me so many times that there's nothing between them now but friendship, that he loves me more than he ever loved her and doesn't want to be with anyone but me... and yet I'm still bothered. What I really want to know is, when a man breaks up with one woman and meets another who makes him happier, is that really all there is to it? Does the love for a previous partner fade away in time, or is there always something there? Please someone help me, these intermittent insecurities of mine are making things feel a little strained between my boyfriend and I. If only I had an ex or two, maybe I'd understand how this feels, but I can't, so I need to hear some second-hand experience! Thank you x
View related questions:
his ex, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): If your bf is with his ex that means that they never broke up and u are the side girl. He will never be honest with you because he wants his cake and eat it too. Honey protect your self and let him know that its either me or her. If he does not leave her alone by your ties and keep moving. He is not worth the headache that is gonna come if he doesnt leave her
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): If your bf is with his ex that means that they never broke up and u are the side girl. He will never be honest with you because he wants his cake and eat it too. Honey protect your self and let him know that its either me or her. If he does not leave her alone by your ties and keep moving. He is not worth the headache that is gonna come if he doesnt leave her
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 September 2012):
Well I can tell you that I no longer love any of my exs but if I saw them I would be polite and kind.... but I do not consider any of them friends.
and for what it's worth, I don't think that we should be friends with ex's unless we have children with them, then we do not have any need to have any contact with them.
I do not blame you for being upset.
His words "he loves me more than he ever loved her" are BS if they are not backed up by action.
And the action needs to be: respecting your needs and walking the walk of NOT SEEING HER since HE LOVES YOU MORE.
if he refuses then he loves himself more than you. and he's too selfish to give up something that brings him more pleasure than pleasing you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 September 2012):
 Why does your boyfriend hang out with his ex when he knows it bothers you? She is not his girlfriend, YOU are. He doesn't have to keep her happy but he should be keeping you happy and secure. I'm not saying that it implies that he cut himself off from the world but its reasonable to keep his distance from ex girlfriends. Anyway, to answer your question, love does fade over time, where ex'es are concerned but nothing good ever comes out of hanging out with ex'es after the demise of the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (29 September 2012):
 Wait a minute.....wait just a minute; your boyfriend insists on hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, even though he's involved with someone else, and even though he knows it makes you uncomfortable, and you're trying to justify this as "normal"? Oh no, no, no, no, it is not normal. He should immediately stop this crap. How can he possibly focus on a current relationship as long as he's tethered to his ex? He may say they are just friends but I am suspicious that one or both of them cannot let go. Friends with an ex, that involves monthly hang outs is just plain weird. You are within your right to ask him to stop doing this. The ex is over and done with. Stop hanging out with her. No good can ever come out of it. Least of all a healthy relationship with someone new.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 September 2012):
 My first BF and fist love will always have a piece of my heart and a place in my heart but the overall LOVE I felt for him has faded. The other two guys I dated (one was a total Douche King) faded faster, I guess it depends on how strongly you felt too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Foxglove +, writes (29 September 2012):
I remained close to one of my ex's for quite some time, and you know what that did? It was a constant reminder of WHY he was my ex, why he drives me nuts, and how he treated me. Really, it just made me love my current partner even more. I can't believe we even used to be intimate. In fact, my memories of intimacy with him are so vague, I can barely distinguish them from dreams.
On the other hand, I was with someone who reconnected with his ex, and it was an absolute disaster...
So I'm afraid it's not a simple answer... Just remain open with him about your feelings, and if he's the real deal, he'll be considerate.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2012):
 I think it fades away. I guess it depends on the person though, some keep a burning candle for ages, others move on faster. Some people linger longer, some disappear fast as well.
Love isn't something ever lasting. Without nutrition it fades. Without you (and your partner) building it up, it will naturally fade. That is why once you're in a relationship you can't just "stop" with all romance, or courting, or flirting, or stop taking care of each other. Once you've said you love one another you need to work at it to build it up, maintain it, keep it strong. Neglect will kill love.
So when you break up with someone, unless you've kept nurturing the relationship and the love (although one sided), it will fade.
...............................
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (28 September 2012):
Sometimes a platonic sort of love can exist between two people who were once romantically involved. Sometimes it is just friendship. Sometimes you don't like them at all as a person and don't talk to them ever again. Some people even still love the other person.
Everyone and every relationship is different.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (28 September 2012):
Yup, the feelings really do fade away. I'm friends with one of my exes and my husband and I hang out with him. There are no feelings left there other than friendship. Even the thought of something intimate seems wrong/uncomfortable/weird because we're now only friends. I mean, I remember being with him, but it seems so far removed like it happened in another lifetime or to someone else. As long as he is honest and open with you and the friendship with his ex is not something he is hiding or inappropriate, then yes, his feelings for her have faded.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): I am in my late 40's and have had lots of relationships. I would say that with ex's if you are the 'dumper' you rarely think about the person again whereas if you are the 'dumpee' you think and wonder about them a lot. When a relationship ends and the couple remain friends I would say from my own experience that one party is still always hopeful that things may be rekindled. That is why I do not keep in contact with any of my exes and do not like my husband doing so either. Some people I know have remained friends and they are all now friends with each others new partners but I think it is quite rare that this genuinely works well. I suppose we are all different and I can only speak for my own experiences.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): I met up with an ex at the weekend and it was nice to see him but I felt nothing. No attraction. I remembered why he'd irritated me so much when we were together. He sent me a message clearly showing he was still interested.Another ex I met up with a year after the event - I was still into him but never heard from him again and was gutted.My best friend regularly sees her first boyfriend who is now married. Wife gets raging jealousy every now and again but hubby assures her there's nothing in it. However, I know my friend, and I know that although she wouldn't push it, she would love to be back with her ex and is waiting in the wings being his friend until the opportunity arises.Basically, from my own experience, there is often interest on one side or the other, in order for contact to be maintained.With the ex I didn't like, he initiated contact and it was his idea to meet. With the ex I did like, I initiated contact and it would only be through my efforts that a friendship could exist - so I gave up.With the best friend, she is the one who maintains the friendship by lending money, cooking meals etc. So my question to you is, which of them is arranging these monthly meetings?That would inform whether or not I felt there was any reason to feel threatened. Hope this helps. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2012): Yes, it is very easy for a man to completely move on, and harbor absolutely no romantic feelings ever agin for an ex. Been there, done that! At least for me...
...............................
|
