A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 29, my partner is 21. I had 2 sexual partners 1 through marriage and 1 short term relationships, never 1 night stand. My partner was sexually active since the age of 14, she had 30 sexual partners most of them were 1 night stand. She keeps telling me that she didn't go out looking for sex, she went out for good nights out with her friends and whenever guys came back with them to the house, she only brought them to have a party or a good night, sex just happened because the guy pushed for it when he shared bed her. My thought about that keep disturbing me, I feel that I don't believe that sex was not in her mind. Do you think that it is possible to have many sexual partners in 1 night stand bases without her looking for sex? Do you think that she is telling the truth by saying that she never enjoyed sex in 1 night stand and she never wanted it? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): Don't kid yourself. The girl wanted sex. She probably enjoyed it greatly at the time or she wouldn't have kept doing it. 3-4 one nighters is one thing, but you're talking about dozens within just a few years.If she says she "wasn't looking for it, but it just kept happening" then she's being dishonest. Either she's saying that to placate you, or shes saying it to ease her own guilty conscience. (Perhaps a little of both.) The whole thing is not the best way for this issue to be treated at all. Maybe she regrets it or maybe she doesn't, but either way she can't change it now. So you have to either accept it or end the relationship. It's not really fair to remain in a serious committed relationship with someone, but put this huge 'asterisk' on your opinion/respect for them.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (15 August 2007):
I guess it could be argued either way. My persnal way of thinking is that I wouldnt have sex with a guy unless I wanted to, so say if I was your gf and had had sex with so many guys, then I would of wanted to.
However, I find it a bit hard to understand that if she never intended or wanted to have sex then why would she invite those guys back neverless let them 'share' the same bed. She would have to be naive to think that most guys wouldnt be expecting anything.
Perhaps she was jsut a naive young girl, after all, it started when she was 14. Perhaps she didnt have the will to say no. These are all things you have to consider nad only you can make your own judgement of it. You know her better then me, and anyone else here. Is she a people pleaser? Does she generaly find it hard to say no to people about anything? is she easily pressured? or do you know if she was like that in the past and maybe has jsut changed recently?
It seems that the you and your gf have different values when it comes to sex. Do your values differ much about other stuff too? If so then maybe you will need to consider whether or not you can settle for such differences, because you cant make her change hers and you cant change yours either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): unfortunately, i started young as well, and by age 20 i have slept with also over 20 guys. some were one nighters but most were just situations where i thought he would like me more if i did that with him. when you're young and don't have the best upbringing you tend to try to find attention and you wrap yourself up in pleasing other people. your girlfriend has most likely matured bu now, as i have, and is ready to settle down, sick of that lifestyle that comes with being promiscuous. my boyfriend and i have been together now for over two years, and he only had few partners as you did when we got together, plus he's 30! so it bothered him a little at first but he got over it and just try to remember that however many guys your girl has slept with it doesn't matter, it doesn't make her a bad person, and it surely isn't the stuff that is going to make your relationship work. don't worry about it.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 I think the deeper issue here is that you both are not compatible in terms of your beleifs about sex.
She has a more casual approach, and you have a more conservative.
Has she changed the way she beleives about sex? HAve you?
That is the REAL issue you need to deal with. OTherwise, this is the beginning of the end of your relationship.
If you would have had the same number of lovers given the opportunity, would you? If so, you can not hold it against her. If not, best not to get too attached as it is a sign you are too different to make it work long term.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Whatever the reason, she wanted the sex. Does she want a one night stand now? I don't think so.
The past is in the past, and you need to trust her from now on. But, the human heart doesn't work like a clock. Can you get over this? If you can't, leave her. If you can, don't worry about it anymore.
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A
male
reader, legacy  +, writes (14 August 2007):
hlskitten is pretty right on with her comment about your partner "getting it out of her system." That would be my bet too. You on the other hand are having a hard time dealing with it. Be easy on her and if you want to know about the past, ask but if it bothers you that much and you don't want to know you gotta learn to live with it. It seems that she has put it to rest. Look some of the most interesting and enjoyable women in my life have been people with an interesting history. It is indicative of an adventurous spirit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): Maybe she was looking for approval, love and commitment. By sleeping with these guys and giving them what she thought they wanted 'sex' she was hoping that she could have what she wanted love, affection and commitment. But many of us girls learn after lots of trials and errors that it is not a one night stand that is a basis for a relationship. There are lots of mixed messages out there for girls. The media portrays that we are supposed to be sexual and to please men ie. What do you see when you go into your newsagents?..girls on the front pages of magazines flaunting themselves 'come and get me boys'. Its cool to be a sex siren and desirable to men. That's what men want isn't it? Many of us girls have learned the hard way that this in fact is only a male fantasy,a myth and a moneyspinner for the media. We are supposedly in a society of equal opportunities, but girls are still frowned upon for being as rythym n blues states 'loose cannons' but everywhere around us women are pictured as being sexy. Being sexy is what a man wants that's what playboy, penthouse, models, tv are ramming down our throats. So really it's difficult and confusing for the girls to get the acceptable balance right. One minute we're told we're supposed to be a porn star and the next the so called girl next door with no make up. Your girlfriend has been through this journey of discovery and I should imagine has experienced a lot of disappointments, but what she has found out for herself that sex isn't the route to a stable loving relationship. Whether you can deal with her past and her journey of discovery is another issue.
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Sounds like she was pretty young so she may have been a bit naive about how quickly guys can make their move, once they've been invited back to a girl's place for drinks etc. But eventually, she should've caught on and either stopped inviting them until she got to know them better (i.e.a relationship) or at least would've known where it was heading and didn't care. I'm also a bit concerned by the number of men she's had sex with for her age. That's a pretty high number for a gal of 21 but I may be old-fasioned. It sounds like you may be her first real "boyfriend" . Perhaps she wants to turn over a new leaf and just needs someone who's willing to stick around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): The girl was a loose cannon in her youth, and of course she was looking for sex and male attention, she may have mistakenly thought by sleeping around she would land a boyfriend, or she simply was addicted to the sexual attention, which would be my guess. She is still young and may still be likely to go have a one nighter when she is either drunk or mad or both....so be a little cautious here....but she may have learned from her mistakes and realizes that one nighters are no way to live and no way to be happy, and no way to have or start a healthy relationship, only you can judge that, after all you are dating her.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Hi
I went through a couple of years of a few one nighters. I definately didnt go out with the intention to have one night stands. If i met someone, and took them home, it happened. But to be quite honest i wouldnt even say i enjoyed it. Thats why i stopped, and am single at the moment & wouldnt dream of taking someone home these days, because one nighters arent my thing anymore & the safety aspect too.
People change as they get older. What your girlfriend did before, she probably wouldnt now.
My money would be on her being more of a safe bet than you in fact, because shes done more of the 'living' than you have, so to speak hehe
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): she probably had a bad childhood. Was her dad around? Maybe she didn't want to do it, but felt obligated because the guy spent time on her. She probably had very low self esteem. Was she ever abused? I believe it could have been from a bad upbringing, and her seeking approval & affection. Especialy starting at age 14, it is hard to say no when you're that young & vulnerable.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Oh she was looking for sex alright but whether she ever enjoyed it is another thing. Starting out so young is unfortunate but she probably thought having sex made her cool or popular which is what most immature girls with low self-esteem think. I would worry about her mental state more than her sexual history at this point. Has her self-esteem improved now that she is older and hopefully wiser?
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A
male
reader, Karlos Omnis +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Quite simply put no.
If it happened once then yes, but repeated times its a bit hard to comprehend.
However, it bears no relevance, her past is her past so don't let it get in the way.
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