A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We live together. My fiance has two adult children from his first marriage. His son has a nice job and a new girlfriend. His son moved out of his apartment with his last girlfriend...he broke it off with her. His son is now moving into an apartment with his new girlfriend.Out of the blue he called his dad and asked him to give him $500.00 for new tires for his car. Then he said he needed the money before he took his new girlfriend on a road trip to another state.I didn't say anything when my fiance told me. He saw the look on my face though. He told me his son hasn't asked for money in over a year. Although, I recalled to myself that his son had called asking for money when he had an accident with his car. Two weeks later my fiance saw his son and his car didn't look wrecked and his son told him that the shop got it back in shape.My line of thinking was that his son needed the $500.00 to take his new girlfriend on a trip.I am naturally suspicious so the stories don't add up to me and I think that is the son's way of pumping his dad for cash.I am staying out of it and not saying anything as much I would like too. They are his children so I feel I don't have any say and I don't want to drive a wedge between them since they rarely call as it is except for wanting money.I was wondering if anyone else out there has had these issues and how they have dealt with them.
View related questions:
fiance, money, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): The OP here. Thank you all for your valuable input. It's interesting to note the answers that say $500 is nothing to others that say it is a lot of money to ask for.
The answers are diverse. I will proceed in what I feel will be the right direction in this relationship regarding money issues with his children "before" we tie the knot.
Thank you again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): My dad's ex wife was intrusive and bothered when it concerned me and my sister. Whether it was my dad giving us money or helping us in any way, or even spending time with us. Obviously that relationship didnt work out and they divorced.
My dad never remarried but has had a girlfriend for the past 10 years that he and my family adore. She has never in ten years meddled in my dads money or how he spends it nor meddled in his relationship with me and my sister. She wouldnt dare nor does she feel its her place or any of her business. My dad helps me and my sister out financially whenever we need it. He also treats his girlfriend wonderfully, so at the end of the day, everybody is happy.
Ive never seen my dad happier or more in love. My dads girlfriend always had her own job, her own money, her own family and when they came together, they both had their own assets that they decided to keep seperate. They both have the same values and adore their own children and will always help their own children should they need help.
$500.00 is nothing. Parents want to see their kids happy and even if it was meant to take a little trip with his gf, I am sure it made your fiance happy to know he could provide that for his son.
It is none of your business if he chooses to give his kids money every now and then. Thats what parents do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): So his son is 99% independent, working and supports himself? Once a year he asked for some money, which by US standards is not that big of a sum. What's the big deal, I don't understand. I know one family where most supports her two grown children in their 30s. If you wrote about something like that I would completely agree with you, but once it's really nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 May 2013):
 The fact that this son is pumping his father out of $500.00 is what I take issue with. What a consolation that this Son hasn’t asked for money in over a year and had a miraculous car repair done in 2 weeks – Oh Please… You are so right on the money and to be suspicious.From experience; I don’t give a rat’s if they’re his children or from a 1st - 5th marriage, as OUR household belongs to us and these issues need to be discussed, any Relationship Counsellor will tell you that also. So for you not to say anything and think you’re driving a wedge between them is absolute nonsense! How would you both have dealt with this had they been your children and not from the first marriage? It’s called communication if he has forgotten!?Here this Son is using his Dad to be lazy in not working for things himself! And Dad is blind if he thinks this is going to make his Son a responsible man or appreciate him…By all means help, but our policies are not to lay it out for them, and think Dad as the Bank of Switzerland!? In my eyes $500.00 is doable without asking Dad, period! The only issue I would take up with your Fiancé would be his guilt ridden parenting style. Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): 500$ in a year or more doesn't belong to the category of pumping his father for cash. May be he lied about tires, because he felt that to say the real story embarrassing or may be not.
I don't see anything wrong with parents helping their kids once in a while. I always ask my daughter if she is ok with money.
But most importantly that even if you live together it's really non of your concern. You play no Part in their relationship. After all you choose to have a men who had a life before and had two children. Children are forever, and his son doesn't sound like a bum. You are absolutely right, it's not your place to say anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (13 May 2013):
 I am married with children and a one is a step son. If that son came and asked my husband for anything then it would have to be a joint decision as to whether we could afford it or not as a family - his money and my money is joint money and we make decisions together.
If you're happy to let him pay for his son then suggest he gets the bill sent over to him to pay - if the son is lying then he won't ever see a bill and won't be out of pocket. This would be a nice compromise (if you can afford it to begin with of course!) but adult children who can't afford to do things shouldn't do them - I don't run to my mum every time I want something, I bust my butt first to make sure I can get it on my own and you do have to cut the cord sometimes BUT helping out once in a while when you can won't hurt!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): My daughter never asks me for money, but when she says she wants something expensive, I understand she can't quite afford it. She also has a very good job, but also very high rent and student loan that she pays, not big but still...
Once a year or may be twice, I do send her money because she is my baby, and I want her to have nice things that otherwise she can't afford.
If his son doesn't ask for money n a regular basis, but only once a year a little, it's not that big of problem, is it?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2013):
 IF it's NOT your money and his spending his money on his children does not impact on the running of your home or his meeting his bill obligations with you, then it's not your say.
The issue is you call him your fiance... so once you marry will your situation with funds change? Will you two then have the "what's mine is yours what's your is mine?" issue? In which case, that means that until you marry you have no say, but after you marry you will? And if that's the case, are you sure you want to be involved with a man who you do not approve of how he relates to his children?
I am the mother of two sons. One of which is 29 and disabled. I send 300 per month to my first husband to help offset the cost of care for our son. When my husband and I were seriously dating, getting ready to move in together, the money I give to my children was a topic of discussion. Line Items were built into our budget to cover what we call "child support" monthly as well as generous gifts to my sons for their birthdays and at holiday time.
Any other times my kids ask for money they are told "let me check with "stepdad" and see if we can swing it."
I would NEVER spend a penny of our money without first consulting my husband. And he would not spend a penny without consulting me first.
I sense you are not happy about it. I sense that if this continues after the marriage it will become a bone of contention.
If you do not feel comfortable talking to your fiance about how he spends his money, are you sure you are close enough to be engaged?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 May 2013):
 Staying out of it is a good idea when you're not married, but it is something for you to be well on your guard over. How a potential spouse handles money should be a major deciding factor of whether or not you would allow your finances to combine with his inside of your marriage.
Keep in mind, though I understand what eyeswideopen is meaning by saying to separate finances, there *is* no true separation of finances inside of a marriage. You may keep separate accounts, but legally, marriage financially speaking creates ONE entity, a corporation with two officers, you and your spouse. His financial actions affect you whether your name is on his account or not. Loans, credit, investments, title, taxes, are all community property. Keep your money separate, and you may find out later on that he co-signed a loan for his son's car and YOU are on the hook for it.
Money is not a romantic conversation, but you should sit down and talk about your financial values and budgeting and see how compatible it is and draw up a good working family budget. A lot of people get married without realizing their spouse is a big spender, or a "soft touch" like your fiance is with his son, and then there are blowups and bad feelings and misunderstandings.
Understand, if he was your husband, you would have the right to have input, because the finances become dual decision, and $500 is significant. Many adult kids do have a hard time not running to Mommy or Daddy when they need something, especially when they're young poor college students who haven't quite transitioned to money management for adults.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 May 2013):
 I haven't dealt with these issues, but ,for what is worth, I'd deal with them just like you did - NO COMMENT - because I think , whether one likes it or not, it's the only way to deal with them. In fact, I would do an extra effort and try and cut back also on the eye rolls and too revealing facial expressions. It's not your money - and it's not your child . It's not your parent/ child relationship. You have no legal position to object to your bf's generosity, and morally, I don't find anything wrong in a father giving an occasional gift to a son, no matter what age, as long as the parent can afford it and does not have to starve or make debts. It's only up to your bf to decide if his son deserves his help and generosity, apparently he thinks so. Therefore, as long as he does not ask YOU money to help his son out, a diplomatic silence is totally appropriate .
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 May 2013):
 You are very wise to stay out of it. As long as it's not YOUR money, stay as far away from this hot potatoe as you can. Remember this tho' when you do finally tie the knot you may want to keep your finances separated. Just curious, do you have any children?
...............................
|
