A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidMy bf of 3 years is becoming very abusive lately, he is abusive only with me, with his friends and others he behaves very sweetly. He hasnt said a single nice thing to me in past few months. I tried not to evoke his anger in anyway, but nothing works anymore.I tried to break up with him few weeks ago, he thought i was joking and didnt take it seriously but when he realized i was serious, he promised he'll change, but he reverted back to old behaviour the very same day.I still dont know what makes me stay with him, i know i love him, but dont know how could i love a person who treats me like dirt. Please help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2013):
 You don't love HIM. You love the OLD him. You love the past. YOU crave the past and want the old him back.
Where he is now is now who you love or want.
He promised to change and he did not.
I think you really must be strong and leave. DO Not take abuse from him. IF you feel you can't leave him, then get some therapy to gain enough self-esteem to say "enough I'm leaving"
and mean it.
often women stay in abusive relationships out of fear of being alone.... which is better, being miserable with him and not seeking new friends and experiences or being alone, getting your act together and finding new folks that treat you the way you deserve.
He treats you like crap because you permit it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): He is changed because he has developed a substance abuse issues. Not your fault. Just pack your bags and get out as quick as you can. Leave a note if you want because it wont really matter to him. You don't want to become a victim of assault. Get the hell out.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 May 2013):
 What do you mean by "abusive" physically, verbally?
Firstly, you are not in anyway responsible for his anger. He is responsible for his anger and that goes for controlling it as well.
Your boyfriend isn't going to change, ever. He will always have that underlying abusiveness and his need to take it out on you will not go away. You need to seriously consider why you are staying with him.
I understand that you love him and that love can be very real. Love isn't logical. You can't choose who you love, but you can choose who you stay with. I would like to know more about what you mean by he is abusive towards you. Maybe an example?
It's hard to let go of these guys, because they really make you feel like you can help them, like you can help them change and they'll love you all the more for it. This isn't love. This is one-sided love and one sided love doesn't work. It's like trying to clap with one hand.
Because being someone’s everything is intoxicating stuff – at least at first. When you met, he only had eyes for you. He called to say good morning. He called to say “I love you” at lunch. He wanted to be the last voice you heard before you went to sleep. When you left work or your last class for the day, there he was – waiting for you. If another guy even looked at you, he put his arm protectively around you. If a guy friend called you up, he pouted. He wanted all your attention. In exchange, he gave you attention as no one ever had before. He wined you and dined you (or at least took you out for pizza and a beer several times a week) and made you feel like a princess. Sounds like any romantic beginning, doesn’t it?
If your guy is so insecure that he needs control, his attention gradually became claustrophobic. Over time, his demands for all your attention all the time hemmed you in. You found yourself frantically explaining your every move that didn’t involve him. Staying a bit late for work, a girls’ night out, even a visit to your mother on a Saturday morning became grounds for a fight. What started out as wonderful attention became not so wonderful control.
Because these guys can be absolutely charming. You didn’t fall in love with your boyfriend for no good reason. He can be charming. He can be romantic. He can say the things that every woman would like to hear. Sometimes he lets you see a sweet vulnerability that melts your heart. He seems to feel genuinely terrible after the two of you have had a big fight. He brings apologies and flowers. He promises he’ll be less jealous. He says you really are his everything.
Lovemaking at times like these is delicious. He says all the right things to make you want to give him another chance. Things are wonderful for awhile. But then it starts all over again. You come home a little late and his eyes look stormy. You make a phone call and he has to know just who you’re talking to. Pretty soon, you’re feeling hemmed in again and you know that there’s going to be another blow-out…
Because you don’t feel you deserve any better. Maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were no good, ugly, clumsy, or incompetent. Maybe your father or mother even told you “No one will ever love you.” Perhaps you were an ugly duckling in high school who never had a date or you were never accepted by the people you wished were your friends. Maybe you’ve had a series of disastrous relationships or no relationships at all. Your self-esteem is in the cellar. Even though a part of you knows that your family should have treated you better; even though you understand that high school is harsh for a lot of people, there’s an even bigger part of you that feels that maybe all the people who rejected you were right – you really are a loser. You’ve become convinced you should be grateful for any smidgen of caring your boyfriend provides – even if it is painful.
Because you don’t know any better. All the women you grew up with were in abusive, difficult relationships. All your girlfriends complain about men who don’t do their share and who stopped being “Mr. Wonderful” long ago. Lacking role models for positive, loving relationships, you think good relationships only happen in the movies. Although you can agree in theory that women deserve to be treated with consideration and respect by the men who love them, you’ve never seen such a relationship up close and personal.
Because he scares you or manipulates you. There are men who aren’t a bit subtle about their need for control. Try to leave and they threaten to hurt you or your kids or other people you care about. He may have even grabbed you too hard or hit you or locked you in a room or waved a gun around. When he goes into a rage, there’s no telling what he might do. So you do everything you can to prevent it – including staying.
The manipulators are equally effective in trapping their women. They say they will commit suicide if you leave – and it will be all your fault. They are masters at making you feel guilty even when you don’t have a clue what you are guilty for. Fights inevitably shift to all the things you’ve done wrong – or at least wronger than him. You end up staying to make amends and make it right or because you can’t bear the idea of living with the guilt if he hurts himself.
Because you truly believe you can change him. Because the relationship started out so wonderfully and because he can be so terrific after a fight, you hold onto the idea that you can bring out the best in him. All you have to do is find the right words and behave in the right way, and you’ll have the man of your dreams. Love conquers all, right? Wrong. No one can make another person be anything. He has to want it. He has to be willing to work on it. He has to want to change because it will make him a better person, not because he made an insincere promise in order to make up after a fight. Even though you know all this, you convince yourself that you’re an exception. You’re going to find a way.
Because you are more afraid of being alone again than of being in a painful relationship. You’ve been alone and it’s lonely. You want someone to talk to in the evening, to cuddle up to at night, to at least once in awhile take the kids. Even picking up his laundry, cooking meals he doesn’t appreciate, and fighting with him is more appealing than coming home to an empty house. If he does help pay the bills and do a few chores (and especially if he pays most of the bills and can be counted on to do some of the heavy work), it’s even harder to think about going it alone. Supporting a family and doing everything to maintain a household as a single person is really, really hard. Maintaining the fiction that you have a partner feels better than dealing with the reality of going it alone.
Because you love him.Love isn’t always rational, it’s true. There’s no accounting for chemistry. But the fact is that love, especially one-sided love, isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. It’s like one hand clapping. You do deserve ea lot better.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 May 2013):
Your feelings are more the craving of acceptance than love. You just want him to show you love back. It can mess with your mind.
Either way he obviously won't change. If he couldn't last one day then he's not going to be changing any time soon.
Guys like him get more and more violent as time goes on- the ones who beat their wives to death didn't start that way, they slowly changed over time, just like your bf is.
Get out while you still can. Be single until you're healed, then go find yourself a guy who treats you better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): Why are you allowing this bastard to emotionally black mail you? This behaviour is unacceptable. It is the 21 st century. Throw this Neanderthal back in the cave he crawled out of and leave now. Not yesterday but now. You deserve better. I personally know at least five of my male friends who would love a woman as you. You have lots of love to give and give it to somebody who will give of himself freely to you. Leave now you don't owe this sob any answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): First things first. If this boyfriend has abused you physically in anyway it is totally and truly unacceptable. You may love him, and that's okay but I don't want you to be there and stay idle as he hurts you. Call the police, he will get help through the legal system and counselling.
With the elephant out of the way, no one has the right to treat you like dirt. Emotionally, physically, mentally, in any way possible. You are human being, someone who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, please hold true to that.
You're going to need to have a serious talk with him about this. He may be having tough times in his life, and is taking them out on you. Though that is no excuse, it could be his motive. There are many options, he could need anything from a hobby to release stress to some counseling.
The other thing is that these might be his true colors. That would be a terrible turn of events, but plausible. If that's true, he probably won't change, because people rarely do.
Be honest and explain that his behavior is cruel, unacceptable, and needs to stop because it's making you "feel like dirt". A relationship should be based on mutual respect and caring, it should make you feel happier and stronger, never weaker.
In the end, only you can make things change, whether that be through working it out, or worst case, breaking up. Best of luck OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2013): The same way you clean "dirt" out of your house is the same way you clean out of your life. In the words of the great Iyanla Vanzant "you don't the Creator any justice by remaining powerless! Take back your power and own it!" It's not easy, but it's worth it. Best wishes.
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