A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My 9 year relationship with my boyfriend just ended 6 weeks ago. The first 5 years were great. The last 4, not so great. I gained a lot of weight and pushed him away. Wouldn't have sex with him. Wouldn't even let him touch me. I was mean to him. I have 2 kids that he raised as his own during this time as well. He tried to end it in November of last year and I begged him to stay and told him I would change. I kinda changed and stopped disrespecting him, but that's all. He tried again in January to end it and I begged and promised I would spend more time with him. See, that's all he wanted was time. And appreciation. I didn't give it to me. So 6 weeks ago he ended it and I didn't beg. Until the next day. The next day I was devastated. He wouldn't hear it though. He told me we needed space to cool off. I couldn't handle it. I realized how cruel I was to him and I basically hit rock bottom and saw what I wanted. I went to his house about a week into the break-up and seduced him. It wasn't planned but I had this strong desire to be intimate since we hadn't been in years. It was AMAZING. He was against it and didn't want to do it again because he doesn't want to string me along. I told him I understand that we are not back together but this is an opportunity to prove to him that I taking down that wall and I am done with pushing him away. He said he just doesn't love me anymore and that he did, but I kept chipping away at that love until it was gone. Fast forward. It's been 6 weeks, we have been flirtatiously texting, spending time together, having great sex, cuddling, holding hands, etc. He told me that he is doing this for me because I asked for it and that I told him that it is helping me become a better person. But that he still doesn't love me again and doesn't know if he will. He said we can keep doing what we are doing until the other starts dating someone else and then we can just be really good friends without the intimacy. I told him I can't be friends once he dates someone else. He said he's not looking, but is kinda interested in what's out there. He did tell me that he sees all the positive changes and likes them. He said that this feels exactly like it did when we first started dating. I just don't get it, if it's that great, why won't he take me back??? I'm lost on if I should keep fighting and hope that he falls in love again with time or if I should pull back and hope he misses me. Please give me your input!
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (12 July 2013):
 I can't believe the responses to this are so long.
You guys are now officially friends with benefits, he doesn't respect you, and you're never winning him back. Period. Don't give the girl false hope. It's over. There, I said it.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 He wants to be with a person who won't go cold on him. With you, he doesn't know what you'll do.
Learn from this and move on. Don't make the same mistakes again. Become the better person you want to be, and you'll find happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): This may not work, and if it doesn't you are going to be so very deeply hurt, but if you don't try it, you are going to be so deeply hurt anyway. So, I suggest.... against most people's advise... you keep doing what you are doing. Let him feel, see and be with the person he was always hoping and wanting you to be. It is going to take a long time, and you have to keep being the loving fun person you are now, for a long time. He is not making you any promises because, he doesn't trust that you are going to stay that way. With time, he will grow attached to you again, and slowly, he might allow himself to fall in love again.There may come a time when he dates someone else, and IF that happens, you then must cut all contact with him immediately. You stay cool, calm and collected, but tell him the truth: that you love him, you want him back, but unless he feels the same way, you can no longer be his friend, good bye. And DO NOT contact him. That is your best chance, for him to then realize YOU are who he loves and wants to be with, and come to you. But he may not, and you will then have to grief the loss.But, whether you grief the loss now, or later, at least for now, you actually have a CHANCE of him finding his love for you again.I don't believe it is over, till someone else comes into the picture. He may not feel he loves you anymore, but he did, and he can again.At the moment, if you part, he will remember you being a cold, angry person. So, you need to create a new memory, so he remembers you as a loving happy fun person.Don't ever forget what you have, if you get him back. Cherish and appreciate him every single day for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (14 June 2013):
 I feel like you just trying to hold on to him even though deep down you don't really want to be with him - and maybe he knows this! When he was with you , you would push him away and only change your behavior when he decided to leave you.
Perhaps you need to let him go.. release him and work on yourself! Find out what it is inside you that makes you pull away from him and reject him. Are you not in love with him but just afraid of being alone? Well you need to look inside you because none of you will be happy if you are holding on for the sake of holding on.
Also using sex as a tool to reel him in is only a temporary solution... If the real issues underneath are not dealt with and talked through... the same cycle will continue and you won't gain his trust. I wish you good luck and hope you can be honest with yourself and make a decision that will also take his happiness into consideration! xx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 June 2013):
 I guess that's why we have the saying:
'You don't know what you've got until it's gone'
He's having ex-sex with you because you are handing it to him on a plate and he is telling you that it won't make him love you again...You need to believe what he is saying to you because it is the truth.
It sounds as if the trust is dead and buried and that can never be regained. Throwing yourself at him and seducing him won't have the effect you think it will and if he moves on to meet someone else, You are going to feel like a used piece of dirt.
Stop it now! Stop contacting him and having sex with him and you will see how quickly he drops you (he'd already done that by leaving you). The relationship is over, you are just adding more damage to the pile!
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (14 June 2013):
 Hi, you have out yourself out there and showed him you have changed. I suggest you stop cleeping with him and let him go. You will hurt a lot more when he starts dating someone else.
Also this gives him the opportunity to realise he loves you and want you. Tell him this is hard on you and you want the whole none yards and if he loves you and want you he will reach out to you. Then go cold turkey - no contact. Just remember he may come back to you and if he does not remember its time to move on as there just maybe too much water under the bridge.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): I'm sorry this is happening. I think he is being serious. He is not in love anymore. I think once you fall out of love it is not likely that it can be rekindled. If you and someone break up with both still being in love, that is different and that can be rekindled as it was never lost.
But he lost the feeling. He still cares about you and he is a good guy and is trying to be nice about this.
May I ask, why were you mean to him?
I think it is time to move on. You should get back in good shape and take good care of yourself. Maybe you were bored in the relationship and that is why you stopped caring. In that case, this is likely a good thing for you both...even though you don't realize it yet.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 June 2013):
I would say that he won't fall back in love with you because you've broke too many promises and it hardened him.
It's hard to say what will work. If you pull back it may make him miss you but it will only prove his point. I'd just stick it out and if it doesn't get better you are free to go... learn a lesson and not all is lost.
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A
female
reader, freecupid +, writes (14 June 2013):
He doesn't trust you. You've hurt him so much that he's put up a wall to protect himself from you. Only time will tell if he can truly let go of the pain you put him through the last couple of years.He stuck it out with you though you were cruel to him. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick with him now that it's your turn to wait for things to change.It doesn't have to be that way. You can let go of each other and start brand new with other people, or you can be patient with one another and give each other a chance to love one another sincerely again.
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