A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi:) I need some advice on what I should about my boyfriend because I'm really on the fence...I'm in my mid thirties, divorced( i was with my ex for 13 years)and no children and really want to find the one and settle down and have a family etc. Just over a year ago I started dating this guy ( he is 44)who was very timid and reserved at first but this was fine by me because i was still getting over an ex and wanted to take things slowly. He is a great guy, very trust worthy, treats me like a queen, adores me. respects me, etc but he is just awful in bed. i mean terrible. our first time together, he entered me semi soft and used me to to get semi hard and about 20 sec before he came, lost his erection and also lost the condom inside of me. I didn't even know what to say or think but i felt bad for him and gave him a second and third and forth and 10th chance but its still just bad sex. He has indeed learnt to last longer but he still enters me semi soft( he claims this is due to anxiety) and he is not able to last long enough for me to reach orgasm as well and loses his erection or comes super fast. He has tried to blame it on me because i am" too tight and i make him come easily. since when do guys complain about this? my ex husband used to say im pretty tight as well but i thought it was a good thing and how tight can i be after all, im not 18 for Pete's sake. so the dilemma i am facing is do i keep him because he is a good man and that's very rare or do i call it quits and chance losing a good man because he does not know how to satisfy me and the idea of having bad sex with him for the rest of my life is kind of depressing?Thank you all so much for your time and your advice:))
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condom, divorce, erection, last longer, my ex, orgasm, too tight Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): He is 44, he goes in half soft, and he cums too fast. That sounds like an erection problem to me. Its not full blown erectile dysfunction but he has lost enough to cause trouble. The reason he cums too fast is probably because he has to get way too close to cumming before he can get enough hardness to start intercourse at all. If he was younger he would have had a stiff erection and been having intercourse for a while already by the time he cums instead of just getting started. He might still have been cumming too fast for you even in his youth. But with a young man's erectile power he would have been able to "reload" and go again much sooner (and with less loss of erection power) than he probably can now. It would not be the first time in history that a guy was much better in bed during his second ejaculation of the evening. See what I mean?Get him to try one of the standard drugs, Viagra, Cialis, etc. Its an embarrassing thing to bring up but it might just be a godsend for him. Make up a story about how your ex was using ED drugs to deal with the same problem if you are too embarrassed to bring up the subject any other way.
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 Maybe instead of leaving it up to him and putting all the pressure on him you should take the reigns. Right now he's thinking the same thing you are... sex is bad because he's bad. Why is it always up to the man? Sex can be bad if the woman just lies there and doesn't communicate or reciprocate (I'm not saying that's what you do). My point is imagine the pressure he's feeling. He's probably not very experienced, and he's met someone he really, really wants to please and every time it doesn't go well he's taking all of that on himself. He feels like you're judging him, and it sounds like that might be true.Take the pressure off him and that might lessen his performance anxiety. Take the focus off the penis and penetrative sex altogether and teach him how to pleasure you orally. Don't be afraid to show him what to do. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want. Don't be afraid to take charge. Tell him to lie back and relax and just enjoy being together. After a while he will relax and you might notice a change. Right now both of you equate sex with penetration, and when penetration is bad that equals bad sex. But there is so much more that you can be doing. I think if you're relationship is solid and you're together emotionally then that's the main thing. The physical stuff is fixable so don't give up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 If he's bad in bed.. then no. Don't stay with him.
But look, is he really BAD in bed, or is it just the intercourse that is crap? I've had boyfriends who didn't satisfy me particularly much though intercourse (I don't reach an orgasm that way anyway), but who weren't "bad" in bed because of it. They could do other things. But in general, in my experience, if they're good in bed they're good in bed... And if they're bad in bed they're bad in bed in ALL forms and directions.
It doesn't even matter what penis size a man has, or what positions he know of in bed, or how big or small he otherwise is, how fit or sexy and beer gutted or whatnot. It's a chemistry thing. So I guess what I'm asking is.. are you passionate when it comes to other sexual things? Is he a sexual being? Does he touch you in a way that gives you goosebumps, does he kiss you in a way that leaves you craving more, does he make you feel sexy, does he sweep you off your feet?
Do you have an amazing, incredible chemistry?
Look, if all you want is kids then you can have one with him, he'll probably be a great dad, and then leave him and find a boyfriend who is better in bed. If you want a family per se, where mom and dad live together, then you have to decide if that is more important to you than having a loving and fulfilling relationship. You already have a "family" as such, your own mom, dad, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles etc. With a man, part of the ideal is to have a partner, in a romantic way as well as a practical way.
In years to come, I think the lack of sex will make you lose interest in him. The intimacy will be gone, you can only be okay without fulfilling sex for a so long. It's not something that'll be fine and okay for you 10 years from now, when you deeply crave it.
I hear that once you have kids, finding the time for one another is difficult, and the romance can disappear and people divorce/separate. If you already from day one are lacking in this department, then your odds at making it last aren't that great. Unless you are prepared to give up sex, because you find children more important. That is your decision.
Can your boyfriend LEARN how to satisfy you? Are you communicating your needs? You've been with him a while now, you should know him well enough to answer these questions. Has there been improvement?
The most important questions for me, if I were in your shoes, would be these: Is there chemistry? Are you in love with him?? Does he give you butterflies? Separate your care and affection from this, care and affection are things you can show your mom. You need to see if you have the right feelings a wife should have for her husband, before you decide if you can/should be a wife/mother to his children.
Remember that this is YOUR life. Just because he's nice and all doesn't mean that's all it should take to make you happy. You are single handedly responsible for your own happiness in life. So put yourself first here, does this man give you what YOU need?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 September 2013):
 He is aware that he can get you off other ways then penis in vagina, right?
Do you two ever TALK about sex? What you like? What you need?
I wouldn't be surprised if he has spend a LOT of time having sex with his fist. That might be why he can only get semi hard with you. And maybe he has VERY little sexual experience, so my best advice is to talk about sex. TELL him what you want and need. Teach him a few trick, see if he improves.
I can't imagine bad sex for the rest of MY life either. Just not negotiable.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (10 September 2013):
 "do i keep him because he is a good man and that's very rare or do i call it quits and chance losing a good man because he does not know how to satisfy me" well you said it best finding a good guy in this day and time is like finding a needle in a haystack. there are more guys out that are deadbeats , and will jump the fence if something better comes along. me, i would strongly suggest have him see a doctor. we live in a time that a blue pill "Viagra" works great, plus its a boost to a guys self confidence. me that is what i would be doing if i was him. while he is with the doc maybe if there are other reasons "anxiety" can get help for him. blaming it on you " too tight" that's every mans dream that was a cop out on his part. i would think the anxiety maybe due to him loosing erection. plus you too can work on comfort, self confidence together. as with anything the more time, energy, love you put into the relationship will be a plus. the thing is how do you see him is he worth spending your life with "is he the one" the one you cant live without, or if things don't improve find a replacement.these are things you need to ask yourself.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 Go together to a family planning clinic or doctor who specialises in this sort of thing, the fact he is blaming your tightness (yes, usually a desirable thing in a woman's womanly bits) says he knows there is a problem.
See a doctor and find out if there is a medical reason for this problem, it could be anxiety, but this could be determined by a health professional rather than self diagnosing.
You are at the age where you are at your sexual peak, so best to sort this out quicker rather than later. If you can rule out a medical reason then you can both work together for a solution, and whether that is to seek counselling or other should be determined after the visit to the doctor.
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