A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've become friends with a guy I know, and he's invited me out for coffee to trade some movies we own. I have a boyfriend, but the guy friend isnt aware of this because Im not sure how to bring it up. Just blurting it out makes things really awkward, as it could look like I think he is pursuing me when he really isnt. On the other hand, he might be, I am not really sure. He hasnt shown any signs. Like I said, we're friends and we only talk about pretty impersonal things. So is this coffee thing like a date? How would I decline? Or could I go, but somehow explain I am taken? Im not sure how to go about this. He also invited me to his cottage? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 He sounds like he wants to date you. But it isn't dangerous..! Even if you were single you would be free to so no thanks. You can go meet him, and if he asks to see you again you can say you aren't sure if that would be a date, and maybe best not to. If he invites you to his cottage, ask who else would be going and if you could bring your boyfriend.
The time to bring up your boyfriend is ALWAYS. It's very easy. When you discuss something, you can casually mention "Oh, my boyfriend thinks the exact opposite of me on this topic" etc. Or if you talk about something, or see something your boyfriend likes you can say "My boyfriend loves this/those/that".
Just bring it up and see what happens. But sure, you can have male friends even if you have a boyfriend. The thing is though that most guys don't want female friends, they just befriend them because they want more.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): include your boyfriend. ask if he can come to. anything else is more than a friend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 “are you allowed to have guy friends if you have a boyfriend?”
Are lesbians allowed to have female non-sexual friends if they have wives?
YES! Of course you are “allowed” if you are dating a man who says NO… it’s his issue.
On the other hand you have a good point… does this man who you consider a FRIEND want more than friendship? Hard to tell but an invite to his cottage might mean yes… or it might mean he wants to show you his movie collection… although the “come up and see my etchings” joke is running through my head.
I love the first suggestion… some how manage to mention the boyfriend…. If the coffee date is already planned… just let him know you “might be late” because you have something going on with your boyfriend before (or you have to leave by such and such a time to get ready to go out with your boyfriend)… that’s simple…..
AND if he wants more than friendship… I’d let the friendship fade… I’ve never known someone who “settled” for just being friends with someone they wanted more with, to end well… the one who wants more gets hurt over and over and the one who only wants to be friends feels crummy hurting them.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 September 2013):
 Its hard to tell if he is thinking this is a date, but if he's invited you to his cottage I think that is more than just being 'friendly'. If I were you I'd message him and say 'yeah I'd love to go for coffee but cant do xxx day because I'm busy with my boyfriend that night, how about xxx day'?
That way you are just casually dropping in the bit about having a boyfriend, but are still trying to arrange going for coffee. That should clear things up - if he doesnt want to see you anymore then its clear he wanted to be more than friends.
Make sure your boyfriend knows about this guy too - yes you can have guy friends but if you hide it from your boyfriend that turns it into an issue. Hanging out with a guy you have just become friends with is also a bit weird, its far easier being friends with a guy who you've known ages, when its someone new its hard to tell if they have ulterior motives.
Just tread carefully and make sure everything is above board - if the new guy knows about the boyfriend and isnt hitting on you, and your boyfriend knows about the new friend and is ok with it then you are fine to go out for coffee etc and hang out. But until everyone knows about each other you are in a tricky situation, so best to tell the truth in any way possible ASAP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): It's really up to your boyfriend. If he is confident and mature and can handle it ...sure. If not you will have to at least try and work around it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): message him hi how are you? and then when he replies and says "bla bla bla and how are you?" you say something like oh you're alright bit of a boring day but i'm seeiing my boyfriend tomorrow so looking forward to that
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