A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm due to marry my fiancee in December, I love her so much and she's perfect for me. I'm 36 so am no spring chicken, and have had past relationships that never worked out so I know what an awful lot I have to lose if I blow this one. However, there's a problem.The problem is that my fiancee recently admitted to me that she used to be a drug addict, while I'm very conservative and have led a sheltered life. I despise myself for it actually, but have come to accept that that's just who I am. I'm worried I'm either too straight for a wild party chick like her, or she's just settling for me now that she nears middle age (she's 31), but wouldn't have given me a second look in her prime.My fiancee got into drugs because of a dealer boyfriend she had aged 18. What really disturbs me is that this boyfriend was 36 - yes, you read that right, 36, the same age as I am now - when she was barely more than a child. This screws with my head on two levels. First, that a man of that age could possibly be interested in such a young girl, as to me at this stage in life, most 18 year olds look too uncomfortably child-like for me to view them in any sort of sexual way. I would say the oldest it's acceptable for a guy to be having sex with an 18 year old girl is 26, 27 at a push. Second, that she could've fancied him in the first place. Sure, we've all heard the stories of girls falling for their college professors or whoever, but either "Daddy Issues" are involved or the girl is interested because of the older guy's money, status and maturity. None of these applied to my fiancee's situation. She was simply very attracted to this bum despite having had a normal childhood and good relationship with her father. She knew the guy had no money as he was a small time dealer, making barely enough to cover his own habit, and living in the most squalid of apartments. He had no car so she actually had to drive him to meet his 'friends' to score! How could a young and beautiful girl possibly look at such an old man and find him attractive at all, let alone enough to overlook his obvious undesirable qualities? He ended up in jail, and the fact she didn't is down to pure luck. The thought of what might have happened sickens me. Incidentally, my fiancee was never into drugs before she met this guy, so it wouldn't be true to say she was with him because he could supply her with them. Initially at least, she was drawn to him for himself. I'm not in bad shape, work out a lot and eat sensibly, but am under no illusions that I don't look 20 anymore. If a girl of barely legal age showed an inappropriate interest in me, I'd assume she had serious psychological problems or just needed a stronger prescription for her spectacles, and would run a mile for fear of social disgrace. Am I overreacting and being neurotic, or am I right in feeling disgusted? I don't want to ruin what is otherwise a very good realtionship, but am not sure I can go into marriage with a partner who's past upsets me so much.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (8 June 2012):
shes not with him anymore and choices she made then are not the same ones she would make now. we all make mistakes, it doesnt mean you are not her ''type'' now, just because she dated this loser when she was 18. I went out with a total loser at that age too but now I am 23, I would not make that choice given the chance to rewrite the past. I know that was only 5 years ago but thats how I feel now, I regret wasting my time on such a person so imagine the change in your fiancee over the last 13 years.... try to discuss it with her as it will help you feel reassured. good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): The reason that retroactive jealousy keeps coming up is because some people do not understand the concept. They do not understand that you have negative feelings about your partner's past for moral reasons. They can't see the moral component to your feelings, so they can only make sense of how you feel by attributing it to your jealousy or some other inadequacy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): Thanks to you all for an interesting variety of perspectives. My first reaction when my fiancee told me about this part of her life, and I don't know why she decided to tell me at all, was of disappointment. I was also upset as she told me this guy occasionally acted violently towards her. However, after the initial shock my anger turned away from him and towards her, for having such low standards and risking her reputation and family, and for what? The 'affections' of a worthless meth-taking borderline paedeophile.As stated at the outset, I can't face losing her but am finding this difficult to cope with. One thing I don't get is why people keep mentioning "retroactive jealousy", as most of the threads on this topic tend to be about men who can't get over their partners' promiscuity, whereas my fiancee didn't sleep around that I know of. I'm not jealous, just angry and disgusted, but I must stress I do also admire her for her strength in overcoming what must have been a very difficult problem. Please don't think I don't appreciate this.The only 'jealousy' I feel is a peverse sense of personal inadequacy. Yes I know there is an element of ego here which is selfish, and I apologize for that but I can't help it. The area my fiancee and I come from is economically disadvantaged, underage pregnancy and drug use are rife here so I was more the exception than the rule in terms of being a squeaky clean teenager. I suffered bullying for it in high school, believe me. In a really sick way I kind of admire my fiancee for having the balls to be so reckless, as I know I never would have had the nerve to live so dangerously myself. "Like it or not ...your disgust is actually your desire to quench a dull life" You're right. But that doesn't mean I want to start taking drugs or hitting on girls half my age, I just want to somehow to feel less... cowardly and pathetic. My behaviour has become a bit unpredictable, for example, despite having always regarded them as distasteful and tacky, last week I got a tattoo to try and impress my fiancee as she's very into body art. I chose it carefully and was happy with it at the time. It's a coiled snake on my upper arm, but in the cold light of day it might as well be the words "mid life crisis" on my forehead...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): Spunky, I did not make "perfect choices" my whole teenage years. But I was wise enough to turn down the most destructive things I could have been doing at the time. I was more concerned about my long term welfare than my short term fun and ego-boosting. I did made SOME mistakes and I accept the consequences of them.
I agree with you that life is not black and white. But there are also a lot of different shades of gray between the two extremes.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 "I'm very conservative and have led a sheltered life. I despise myself for it actually, but have come to accept that that's just who I am".
You don't have to accept this. By encouraging yourself to let go of the beliefs that are keeping you from being happy you can both become a happier person and have a much better relationship with your fiancee.
Doing this is difficult but absolutely possible. I've done it myself as part of getting over retroactive jealousy. I highly recommend you read this article, which gives some step by step instructions on how to identify and alter these unhelpful beliefs:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14728-handling-irrational-beliefs/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I has sex with more than 30 boys and men before I met my husband at the age of 18. I smoked, drank alcohol, and as I already said experimented with sex a lot. I had STDs 3 times, but there was no HIV at that time yet, at least not in my home country, so I was lucky that way.I didn't want to study, I changed job after job, and then I met this wonderfull man, who was 9 years older than me and seemingly so proper.
My husband while he was in an army before he met me would get weekends off. During those weekend being 20, handsome and in uniform he slept with 3-4 girls during his time off. He accumulated more than 300 women, also got his share of STDs, smoked pot, did every drug on earth just to see what it is, including cocaine.
And then he met me, the girl of his dreams. He couldn't keep his eyes off me. We got married, And now 28 years later and a beatifull grown up daughter, our own successful business, beatifull home and life that we built for ourselves, do we talk about misfortunes of our youth? Of course not. We will always remember what we did when we were young and stupid, and I sometimes just shake my head in disbelieve that it was me doing all this crazy stuff, but this is all.
We love each other, we became great partners in life and good parents to our child. We are good people with good circle of friends and clients who appreciate us for our services.
Your attitude regarding your girlfriend can stand in your way to a happy life together and children that you will never have if you keep this up. She told all of this because she trusts you to love her even after her story.
This is how she wants her future husband to be for better and worth, always there for her. There is a long life ahead of you, what happened so many years ago might seem like a little thing comparing to other surprises life will bring you and challenges that you would have to overcome.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): For every teenage kid who gets into a dangerous relationship, you can probably find another teenager who never would have done it.
Teenagers are responsible for their bad choices. Millions of them make the right choices every day. We punish the responsible ones when we cut the irresponsible ones so much slack.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I think you need to cut your finance some slack. We all make mistakes and she made a slightly bigger one than most. Let's face it, women at that age are generally attracted to older, more wiser men -- especially those who can flash the cash. It would appear that this guy took advantage of her and his influence had a very negative effect on her life.
It would appear that she is older and wiser now. She knows what she did wrong and reading between the lines of your post, I think she is probably more mature as a result of it. She knows she's found a stable, more reliable man and that's why she has agreed to marry YOU.
People are the product of their past experiences and I wouldn't hold this one against her. Give yourself some time to get over the shock of this knowledge. I think with some reflection you'll realize that you are still marrying the SAME girl that you were before you found out this news and for that, you should be grateful that she has fallen in love with you.
Congratulations and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (7 June 2012):
 You shouldn't hold against, you fiancée, the things she did as a teenager, yes, eighteen is still a teenager. Between the ages of eighteen and thirty, women go through an enormous amount of change, physically, emotionally, and hormonally, in other words, they grow up. At that stage in her life, she had not even discovered the woman she was meant to be, yet. When I was eighteen, my preferences in men were completely different then what they are today.
It's that past that shaped her into the woman she is today, the woman YOU fell in love with. If she had taken a different road, in life, then the two of you may not have ever met. Or she could be a completely different person, one that you would not fall in love with.
Sounds like she's closed the door on her past. For the sake of love, do yourself a favor and do likewise. :=)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2012):
 First of all, I totally understand that you're having a hard time dealing with her past and choices. You're one of many who come on here either jealous over their GF's past relationships (even the fact that she had them in the first place!) or choices or family connections. It happens.
Second, it's not abnormal to find a 36 year old attractive when you're 18! I had a huge celebrity crush on Patrick Stewart in high school! I thought he was hotter than hot! Of course, now I've just revealed my utter geekness to all of dear Cupid, and in so humiliating myself (Engage!), I make the point: It doesn't take Daddy issues, nor is it even gross to be attracted to someone 18 years older. I would be saying something different to you if she had been 13 years old OR if he had been 46 or 56 years old. Then the skeeviness factor starts kicking in. Hugh Hefner in his 86 year old glory still dates girls in their mid-20's. An 18 year age difference is okay. A 60+ age difference is gross. I'm guessing that she's much more attracted to Benjamin Franklen than Hefner.
Finally, my parents were really religious and strict when I was a kid, and it was a shock to look around and see the struggles of the real world as I got older. I did a lot of volunteer work at two drug halfway houses, one sober living house (alcoholism) and finally, a mental health inpatient care institution. I've seen the devastating effects of drugs on people. I've seen that it's only by the skin of their teeth that many escape the horrible fate I saw.
Your girlfriend is a survivor who broke free of that awful fate. She has stood at the edge of the abyss and stared into it, and when it finally stared back into her soul, she said ENOUGH and broke free. For her, it has been an uphill battle. She is attracted to you because she loves you AND she has gained the maturity that both years and her unique experience has granted her. I've talked to many addicts and former addicts who gain almost a Post-Traumatic stress disorder because of what they've seen and gone through.
Please don't punish her for her past. It could have killed her, but breaking free makes her the lucky minority.
Back to the age thing -- many teenyboppers aged 13-15 are crazy for Justin Timberlake, and he's going on 32! Guys in their 30's are attractive! Nothing wrong with an 18 year old thinking a 30+ guy is a hottie! Now you're her hottie!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): she was young and stupid and wild, and she's grown up now and matured with age and experience. That's all there is to it.
Lots of people are like that and were wild and reckless in their younger days, some more so than others. but then they grow up or have a change in attitude and priorities as a result of life experience, and that's where they are now. it does not mean that they're going to revert to how they used to be.
so what if she wouldn't have given you a second look in her younger days? that doesn't mean she's merely settling for you now, if she really has changed then who she is now is who she is.
you and her obviously came from very different walks of life, that's all. But now you have both converged to share a common ground. she didn't stay stuck where she was and hopefully you didn't stay stuck where you were too (if you're ashamed of how sheltered you used to be). Everyone's past experiences have led them to be who they are today. So if you like who she is today, part of it stemmed from her bad decisions in the past as well and how she dealt with them and was shaped by them. You've both grown as people and moved on in life so the past, while it should be acknowledged and not swept under the rug in shame, should not have a bearing on your future.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I'm not sure if I should answer since I don't have a great solution to tell you since I don't believe these feelings will go away. All I can say is I went/am going through a similar situation. It's called retroactive jealousy. I looked it up online and found a good blog that describes it for you-
http://retroactivejealousy.blogspot.com/2011/08/retrograde-jealousy-quick-fixes.html
Anyhow, my husband had a threesome in a previous relationship. This changed my opinion of him completely, makes me jealous, I wonder what these people looked like, how it came about, etc. It makes me so angry, disgusted, upset... And unfortunately it doesn't go away. It will pop up with random triggers, usually girls kissing on the tv or something like that, and I instantly get upset about that past situation. Luckily I feel like I have gotten better with it. It still comes up, I just keep it to myself instead of starting a fight with him, and repeat that it was in the past. That it can't be changed. That he was a dumb young guy and any young guy would've done the same thing if given the chance.
I think you would need to do the same. I don't think the thoughts will go away but repeating that it was when she was very, very young should help. She isn't the same person anymore. We all can make stupid mistakes when younger, especially a young girl dating an older male. You can't expect her to be as worldy and intelligent as she is now. And yes the man is disgusting for dating such a young girl, but that thinking is about as productive as me calling my husband's past 3 some girlfriend a slut. Understanding why she would've dated him is probably impossible as well, she herself may not be able to remember what attracted her to him. I've dated many losers I can't fully explain now why I did it. Most women have.
I don't think you should dump her since it is in the past and when you think rationally it should be apparent to you. Just don't fight with her too much over it. Try to remember it was a long time ago, it's not who she is anymore. It's hard, but do you really want to break up over something that happened 13 years ago that she can't do anything about? It should seem silly when you think of it that way, it does to me. My best advice is to deal with it kind of the same way I do. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 June 2012):
 I get a little queasy whenever I hear someone say their significant others are perfect. Perhaps she could not stand being perfect anymore so she is telling you who she really is.
We see all the time there are students crushing on teachers or vice versa but rarely do they act on impulses. So attraction has nothing to do with age. Your finacee made mistakes in the past. I could confidently say that their relationship was not based on love. Drug dealers are willing to screw anything as long as they get help and resources for their business. Why was your fiancee attracted to him? He was daring, he can sweet talk. Anybody who works on the street needs that skill. They research, observe how people behave and learn how to manipulate minds. He will say anything to make a girl feel loved. He knows just what a young girl needs when boys at her own age like to flirt with other girls, act stupid, play video games. Attraction is irrational. It's based on feelings, impulse, the thing that strikes your survival, gene production part of your brain. Does the knowledge that my potential date is a respected doctor, is very responsible, and polite make my pussy wet? No. But does that mean I can't enjoy sex with that doctor? Again no. I don't think attraction is selective. Like we can only be attracted to men our age, men who are doing proper things in society. It's just that your fiancee was taking too much of a risk and wouldn't care less of what others think.
To be able to feel is a gift. There is no right or wrong and you can't help what you feel. Although you can decide what to do with that feeling. I can imagine not every man would be disgusted with her past. Your fiancee is telling you this so you can decide whether you proceed with the marriage. She has absolutely no need to share this. She is sharing because it lifts off pressure. It is an experience that either bonds you together or rips you apart.
You are drawn to her because she has the life experience that you never had. Opposites attract, but only if you can handle the truth of who she is.
You can't be perfect, and neither can she. You developped book smarts. No one expects you to have equal knowledge on street smarts or chick magnet smarts. We just don't have all that time and energy to be all that. Does that mean you only date women who have no experience, women who are ignorant about what sexual attraction means? Your call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): The past cannot be changed. You obviously find her present-self acceptable, or you would not be engaged to her. She obviously finds you acceptable as well, or she would not be engaged to you.
the problem is that you feel that her past has some bearing on the present and the future. and you certainly are normal for feeling that way, anyone would. But not everyone has this problem to deal with in their relationship.
Another problem is that you only recently learned all this. So maybe you feel you have been deceived and your trust betrayed and that's also a very normal reaction.
If you had learned this about her a lot sooner, would you have continued to be interested in her to the point of wanting to get engaged? Maybe, maybe not. But I'm guessing the answer is "probably not." If she had revealed her past to you at a much earlier stage of the relationship, you would probably have written her off and become turned off so that the romance wouldn't have had an opportunity to develop further. But that might have been a loss, if she has turned out to be a good partner and an asset to your life in other areas.
I think you should take a long time to just "sit" with the thoughts and feelings you have, and not make any decision yet about your relationship. This is a lot to absorb. I think that if you give yourself a lot of time (thinking, weeks, months maybe?), that over time your feelings will develop toward one direction more clearly. It just takes time to process.
If you are upset that she waited so long to reveal this to you, then you should talk to her about that. What else could she be hiding from you now?
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