A
female
age
30-35,
*aoira
writes:Hey, I'm 18 years old and I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend. I'm finding it hard to get into sex.We've now had sex 6 times, it bled the first 2 times quite a bit and then it bled a bit more on the 6th time (is that normal?). The times it bled it hurt A LOT, the other times there were moments of pleasure but they were only brief, it didn't feel great. It was quite uncomfortable. This seems to be normal for the first times though so I'm not too worried about it.My boyfriend and I are very close and open, we communicate a lot with each other. I tell him when it hurts and what feels good and what doesn't. We also tend to have a lot of foreplay and sometimes use lube.I am worried though that the problem is mainly in my head, like I'm scared of it feeling good? I've been very close to an orgasm during foreplay, but I seem to close off when I'm reaching the height of intensity, I feel kinda sick and get turned off. Like I won't let myself enjoy it. Does that sound crazy?I get turned off quickly actually. I can be really into it and then suddenly be distracted by a thought or noise, almost forget what we're doing and then find it really hard to get back turned on. A lot of it seems to be in my head - if I'm set on enjoying it and focus on the feel of our bodies close together I'm really up for it but I can snap out of that too quickly. I'm sure things will get better with time, but I feel quite bad. It is becoming frustrating for the both of us that sex doesn't really feel good and I feel like that's my problem, he's always doing his best and is so kind. He's always putting my pleasure first. And I really trust him and feel relaxed around him, so that's not the issue.I'm afraid that when the pain and discomfort is gone I'll still find it hard to build up to something, to "let myself go". I guess I feel vulnerable. After sex I also always want to put a T-shirt on. I don't really know what to do now or how to get over this barrier.I guess my questions are:- Is it normal for me to bleed (and it to hurt) after having sex for the 6th time?- How do I 'stay in the zone', stay turned on and not get distracted not just during sex but also during foreplay and oral sex?- Why do I turn off and feel sick just when I feel like I'm just about to orgasm? Is it my problem, is there a part of me not wanting it?- Is feeling vulnerable and wanting to put a T-shirt on after sex normal?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 June 2012):
Hi there. Perhaps you are feeling a bit self conscious about your body.
Perhaps you don't accept your body for what it is.
You need to just focus your thoughts on what is happening to your body and all the tiny little sensations as they build, along the way.
You probably feel slightly vulnerable as if he is going to start treating you badly once you have an orgasm.
Having an orgasm also comes down to trust and wanting to surrender to that person completely.
You might be feeling that you don't trust him, in some way.
Or maybe, that you are not good enough.
Or that maybe he is seeing someone else behind your back.
He probably isn't.
You do need to learn to trust him completely, unless he ever gives you reason not to.
It's possible that you could get some slight bleeding after a few times initially, especially if the hymen is not completely broken yet.
Surrendering to him, doesn't make you weak of character.
Just so long as he always treats you with respect and dignity, and takes you to nice places, you ought to feel trust for him constantly.
As it is your first time for making love, it possibly is the first time for him also.
So just don't let yourself be distracted and focus inwardly on nothing else, but what you are physically feeling at the time.
And eventually, your body's sensations will increase gradually, to the point of a full orgasm.
So just experiment and see what feels good and what doesn't.
It's often a case of trial and error.
There is absolutely nothing to be worred about, you are perfectly normal.
And be aware, that in the middle of the month - around day 14 when you ovulate - you will feel much more in the mood for sex than at other times.
And so you are even more likely to reach an orgasm them.
No doubt, you will notice this for yourself.
A
male
reader, appliance  +, writes (7 June 2012):
Being distracted during sex is not something unusual. I'm not saying it happens to everyone (honestly, I don't know) but it happens to me from time to time. It can be caused by the environment (is there noise? do you fear someone will come back home?) or just because it's difficult sometimes to not think about other things. Sex is special, but it's not different from other realities of life: sometimes you're very focused, sometimes not. If you're generally comfortable with your boyfriend and communicates well, chances are it will get better and you'll be able to "let go" a little more. On the other hand, from personal experience I know that when you're really comfortable with a person, it can be easier at times to be distracted, to burst out laughing, etc. Overall, it's nothing bad. You don't need to do everything that can possibly be done when you're having sex. Even if you both stop in the middle and didn't have intercourse, or not as long as you could have, you still had a great moment together. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
I see nothing wrong with putting a t-shirt on after sex. With time, maybe you'll be less self-conscious about being naked. Maybe not, but either way if it doesn't prevent you to enjoy these moments and have great sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong.
As for your 2 other questions, I don't know. I'm a guy and I'm gonna let a woman, or someone better informed, answer these.
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