| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am so confused about my marriage and lost dream, I can't focus on anything else! But, to warn you, I have cheated, my husband knows and he calls me a "classic bored housewife", even though I a very-well educated and have tried to resume studies this year after failed attempts during a traumatic 2005.I have been married to my husband who loves and adores me for nearly 16 years and who put up with my illness last year (I became manic and then depressive) which caused me to cheat and self-abuse due to what happened. I was unhappy and went online two years ago and found what I later realised was an adult dating site and found an extremely gorgeous single man living overseas who eventually found out I obsessed with him and sure enough, he eventually fled and stopped electronic communications, telling me he was soon getting re-married, never to want communication again (his last email to me in July 2005 was almost like a "fatal attraction" warning) and it is just now I am trying with all my heart and mind to come to terms with the fact I will never hear from him again because he did not forgive me or care enough to understand and trying to get over my obsession by wishing him love and happiness in my heart with his new wife or the myriad of women who could chase him if he isn't and to accept the fact that he never cared in the first place and the friendly emails we exchanged as he says honestly, were just a temporary pleasant diversion ("I was only someone interesting to chat to from the other side of the world).The trouble is while I share love and physical closeness with my husband, I have chronic depression and OCD which means I find life difficult - chores, responsibilities, I can never get anything done. I have sought treatment but nothing has cured me. My niece was pregnant with a nice new house at the time and all I could see is the same boring, childless life with my husband who does not like change and is conservative, though eccentric. I am invariably slow, at anything, but can spend whole days in front of the computer searching for answers to my problems to the detriment of the rest of my life. I can't switch off the computer because I go to do something and then my anxiety over my marriage and life comes back and I am paralysed looking for an answer. My dream was to have a husband who could pay me attention in every way and have children and also because I felt my husband thought there was something sexually inadequate about me, I also jumped at the chance to find out and I found out I was fine, he was just an ignorant and impatient lover. We don't have children and I guess that has been a blessing with my depression and OCD, I would need alot of support, not just physical to get me moving, but especially of an emotional kind, which I don't think my in-laws can provide and my mother is elderly with dementia and I need to give to her as I love her dearly, despite being a burden due to her personality. Anyway, I am tempted by another man, but I don't wish to cheat. My sister says I found living in reality difficult. Marriage and Life is so hard and while I have sought counselling, I have a psychiatrist, yesterday I tried to harm myself to get some release from this endless pain and grief as I hate myself for the following reasons:-1) My inability to want to make love with my husband because I am turned off him sexually even though I should not be and because I love him, I should make a heroic effort to improve our non-existent sex life and try to overcome being turned off by him and his attitude;2) The fact that I cannot do more or have accomplished more with my life due to my mental illnesses which make me slow and paralysed. This upset my sister greatly as she has the burden of my mother and my brother will not do any hands-on-care either;3) The fact that the man from the UK did not deserve to have a woman from the other side of the world obsessed with him, a man who as he said, did nothing to indicate that I was special, nor did he show me any affection, he was only friendly once the two initial "erotic chats" which put me in cloud nine, were over two years ago.4) The sexual jealousy I feel towards this man, knowing that he can be blessed to have everything he may want in life from a woman/women. A new life/wife with children or plenty of fulfilling sex (as I think he may have an active profile on another local site). In any case, he won because he came out unscathed emotionally, but I sometimes worry that he is in fear of me for the rest of my life in that I might turn up in the UK one day. Also, a good, spiritual person would not be jealous of him and think that there is a reason he has been or will be blessed and me not. Anyway regardless of what type of a person he is, he did nothing wrong by me, he did not deceive me, I did not deceive him until I lost my cool and told him my fantasy, so I must wish him the best in my mind and let him go in my heart as it is the healthiest thing to do.5) I know in my gut that the right thing to do is to stay in my marriage and just swallow the pill that I am not mean to have a sexual relationship with children and find a substitute, but I am really drowning - not with jealousy at others, but trying to understand why this has happened. Was it because of my disability that I can't have what others have? Then I try to understand other difficulties people have, like why someone got cancer, they did not want that either.I just wish I was stronger and could cope. Perhaps God is using this as a sign that I need to give more to the world which is why I am not getting what I want in life and stop using mental illness as an excuse not to do more. I can see the ways in which I am selfish but I wish I did not have these diseases and could get over this man, because he was beautiful and seemed to be nice, but did not like me sending him an angry followed by an obsessive email and I feel awful that I did that to him - so embarrassing and humiliating and just a nightmare in my life I wish to forget. I am highly intelligent and educated, but you wouldn't know it by my life and achievements outside study and my story here! I have plans to help people next year but worry that a thought can just put me into utter despair and derail me for the rest of the day, which has been the pattern in my life for a long while now.I am seeking admission to a hospital which deals with this and gives special therapy but not sure if it will be enough. My husband is very skeptical of certain "psychological" treatment that is not behavioural and in particular, the Co-dependency model. I wake up and feel I want someone to end my life - the pain and confusion is so intense now, but I don't really, but yesterday I just screamed in my car for 20 mins. I just want to be free of the self-hate and loathing myself for not being a stronger person to deal with things not going like I wanted to, including ruining what could have been a good friendship with the UK man if I hadn't scared him off, I mean most friendships don't end in complete cut off forever and I didn't want it to end this way, but I had no choice, his message was clear for the future too.So, I hope you understand, I don't think anyone can hate themselves more than I can justifiably can at times, except someone violent or abusive. Perhaps you think the same and therefore won't even dignify this with an answer.Thank you for your patience in reading this. I have posted before online as I have "evolved" with this problem.
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jealous, sex life, swallow, the pill, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (8 January 2007):
 i am so glad you are starting to accept he has moved on. you need that to give yourself a peace of mind, you deserve so much better in life and happiness too.
all the best
Jovila
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Thank you for everyone's replies to this question, but I am a mess and will be always...I read about co-dependency, about Buddhism, I know I have to be happy for him and all the sex in his life and the love he will eventually find and the children he will eventually have with a beautiful woman who he respects and admires (unlike me) but it kills me that is will happen one day and I will not know about it. It makes me feel such lowness and hate myself for knowing that there is a better or better women for him out there and that I could not be a friend to him as I guess he thought I would pry on him and he did not forgive me for the emails I sent him. Sometimes we have to accept that we are done and there is no solution. For me it is just suffering, but I will do my best in my mind to think only well of him and try to not torture myself for the rest of my life over him. Otherwise, what else can I possibly do when I have to respect his wishes?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): Thank you Jovial, that was very sweet and I am not offended....I don't have much hope for me really...I just keep thinking of the man and who he is making love to all the time and how this man resents me and everything about me. It is so sad that at 40 I should feel that there is someone I think about other than my husband. I am gutted as this man will eventually find what he wants and I wontm yet I should be happy that I have a man who loves me, my husband. But the other man is so beautiful I can't resist thinking about what he would be like in real life. I feel that my sanity is gone, it left me years ago. Thank you Jovial and Best Wishes for you too. Lots of love.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (3 January 2007):
i am so sorry i dont know what happened to me i just snapped and felt so much guilty afterwards,unfortunately once u send a post u cant undo, i just didnt want u to dwell on that pain, i know i cant relate but i can imagine how u feel. its true i didnt understand, but i have been doing a lot of research on OCD and right now believe me i have a clue of what u are going through and why its hard for u to let go. i wish u only the best 2007 can bring to you and your family. i hope you are feeling so much better now so that your plans for the outreach programmes will come through as well.
best of luck
jovial
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Jovial and Dr Pete
I thank you for your advice, even though it does not appear you understand what I am going through, as willywombat is alluding to. You have done your best with the resources you have and I bless you for the time and effort and thought you have put into your answers.
Jovial, I was not being unkind, nor unappreciative of your response. At the time I wrote my replies I was in severe depression and was on a verge of a breakdown and ended up in hospital on Thursday. I think it is a bit unfair of you to say "I can see why he called the police" as he never did call the police, he only threatened to if I ever contacted him again. I was not in a frame of mind to read this and unfortunately, it appears that discussing it just brings me too close to a pain threshold and going over and over it again, just brings me to that pain threshold I cannot bear again.
So, I am sorry, I just can't do this but I thank you all for trying.
Best Wishes for a prosperous New Year to all.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (21 December 2006):
 I understand that you have OCD? OCD can have periods where the obsessions and compulsions become worse, this can lead to what the uniniatiated can confuse with 'manic' symptoms. I have done quite a bit of study into OCD during my course, although I cannot possibly give you full advice or insight into your behaviour I can suggest that you have a good insight, which leads me to believe this is something you will be able to control in time BUT only if you recieve the correct treatment.
As to your depression and the 'self-hatred', due to past experience this is something I can sympathise with from a personal level. You have behaved in a way you 'could not help' due to your illness and now you despise your lack of self control? Maybe I am completely off the mark. But there is so much in your post to discuss it is hard to know where to begin!
Please PM me, I would be interested and happy to talk to you one to one. If I can help in any way I would love to be given the chance. If not, ignore the childish rantings as posted below, unfortunately these things are not always that easily understood - hence the need for health care professionals!
Good luck and best wishes if I do not hear from you. I wish you luck and joy in your life. You WILL achieve it!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): I'm sorry we couldn't help you any better. We actually get a lot of thanks from people of all ages on this website. If you are feeling depressed then the best thing you can do is speak to your GP.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (21 December 2006):
now i see why the poor guy called the police, u are extremly rude and unkind with ur words. i hope one day u will change and start appreciating what u have and not insult and pushes people who cares about u away. we responded because we cared and concerned about ur situation but yet u have the nerve to insult us. anyway i wish u well deep down from my heart.
Merry chrimas and have a properous new year.
God bless
Jovial
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (21 December 2006):
now i see why the poor guy called the police, u are extremly rude and unkind with ur words. i hope one day u will change and start appreciating what u have and not insult and pushes people who cares about u away. we responded because we cared and concerned about ur situation but yet u have the nerve to insult us. anyway i wish u well deep down from my heart.
Merry chrimas and have a properous new year.
God bless
Jovial
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Please, please stop referrring to me as manic when I am no longer manic, please stop making psychiatric diagnoses when you are not qualified, please stop mis-reading my post and making mistakes and please, please leave me alone. I should never have posted here...it is for teeny bopper mistakes that will resolve themselves in time, not serious adult issues that are a matter of health or non-health, it is about how other humans crush the spirit of others, yet God still blesses them with love and makes the good one suffers. Please Go away, have a nice Christmas and a Blessed New Year, but please go away and leave me and my problem away. I have had enough suffering and I did not need the additional suffering this man created. Goodbye and Blessed be all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Please leave me alone, I am not manic, I am just suffering with severe depression and I have read other posts bemoaning people who get involved in love triangles. People are making errors in what they are posting. He is NOT from NZ, he is from the UK and it is his birthday today, so I am especially vulnerable to any criticism. It was a mistake posting on this forum. Most of you are not listening or understanding my heartache...a sudden cut does not happen to most people and yet Jovial wants me to wish him well and be happy when he doesn't even care I exist anymore. I have tried every strategy known to man. G.P.'s do not have the time to cope and my psychiatrist thinks I am a lost cause. Please do not dare to tell me to make the negative thought go away. Perhaps I do have too much time on my hands to be thinking of him, but calling him a loser is as unrealistic as expecting him to suddenly drift out of my mind.
Please stop responding as most of your comments are just making me very agitated and upset, even though I appreciate greatly and thank you for your time and effort.
Please leave me alone. None of you can understand what it is like having your heart torn into shreds and having to live with that for the rest of my life. None of you can with your petty teenage problems. Please go away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): You don't deserve any suffering or misery, nobody does.
You said you've suffered from depression and mania, have you been diagnosed medically as being bipolar, are you on any medication?
Your actions with this NZ guy does seem quite manic behaviour to me, are you on any medication or still "in" the healthcare system and have a psychiatric you can talk to and be checked up with an examination?
All that aside - there comes a point in all of our lives when we have to just drop the emotional baggage that we've accumulated and physically move on from it. So you've made a mistake, but Anon, dwelling on this episode is only going to make things worse, and in terms of 'mistakeness' yours is not so big - its certainly not something you can recover from. Look ahead, to the future. Cut any physical or emotional ties to your mistakes and they will fade away all by themselves.
Seek help support from your GP or other organisations and work at looking to the future as we all go in to a new year ourselves. Good luck, and all the best with whatever you choose to do.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (20 December 2006):
why do u ask for advice but yet u are so negative and unwilling to change? i think ur anger is already finishing u, if that uk guy was really mocking u and pretends to be ur friend? right now u are giving him all the satisfaction. if he is heartless wherever he is he is congratulating himself on a job well done.
ofcourse u should feel angry but ur relationship with him seemed to have been one sided, he doesnt want to talk to u and he humiliated u enough and still u hang-on to him, which is a symbol of obsession, i really dont understand why u would waist ur life on someone who doesnt care whether u are alive or dead, u didnt loose ur husband in the process, he is still by ur side, u really need to get a life, u have so much to offer and yet u have given up just because somebody rejected u? things like this happens everyday, u are very lucky this happens to be someone u dont get to see everyday in the grocery store, im telling u were gonna feel like everyone in there knows ur history with them, so he is far away maybe even if u can meet he wont even recognise u. so see this as an advantage to ur situation and stop sulking.
why do u give ur life away like this? make peace with it. and learn to make-up for ur mistakes, take some responsibility and stop depending on his approval this is ur life and only u can live it. what puzzles me is that u acknowledge u got a serious problem but u refuse to solve it.
u have a mental problem dont u think this obsession will make it worse, do u want to live ur life feeling like a burden to other people, u abondon ur mother, dont u see now u are pushing everyone away? is this worth it? heeelloo he is happy where he is wish him happiness in ur heart and burry him at the back of mind, u owe that to urself, husband, mother, sister and ur brother, im sure they have missed the person u used to be.
learn to refrain from using "I cannot" and learn to say "I can" i think the only person who is left to help u is urself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Thank you Jovial, for your lengthy, heartfelt post. I actually want to help people on this site, but I cannot, because how he ended it with me, without caring, without love, with no contact in the future, is so hard to bear and it is so rare that people part on bad terms like he did with me. He threatened me with alerting the police in the UK and Australia if I ever contacted him again (which happened as a friend from NZ I met online was worried about me being frantic that he did not reply to my emails of many months back). It was that bad - I was a 'bunny boiler' to him and it will take so much time to recover my self esteem which is so low, I don't even want to go to hospital. Nothing nobody can say can make it better, the only one who could have done so, refuses to care or he cannot care. Thank you for your suggestion about going to a hospice or care for the elderly, I am actually supposed to be nursing next year but doubt I am unwell mentally to do it as I often break down or get angry about this UK guy's action. Of course, there is my mother too and I get upset that I abandon her and fail to give my sister more support in her care as I love my mother so much.
I cannot concentrate on anything, it has ruined my life and yet it was meant to be, because I got above myself imagining that someone as good looking as him or as emotionally balanced as him could really, truly care for me. It was a sign that I need to be humble and think of the beautiful, strong women who deserve his love and who deserve to be made love to by him because they are better, nicer, stronger, more emotionally adjusted women that I was.
This experience has ruined my life, my career, my marriage, my studies because it took someone like him to take me down to earth and realise how really low in the stakes of desirable women I was. I mean, to be discarded as a friend really shows how high above my true station I was. It really shows that I over-judged my own merits and my own "niceness" as he discovered so soon when he cut off email after sending him an email he disliked, which he termed "aggressive". So, it is not that they are not good enough for us, it is that WE are not good enough for them and this was clearly the situation in my case with the UK man.
This was meant to take me down. It wasn't his fault, but it was a wake-up call for me to consider my true worth as a human being, which is way below what this UK man was looking for and which he deserved. He did not deserve to have or keep me as a friend and he realised this very early on when he cut of correspondence politely, but I would not take no for an answer and then I followed it with an obsessive email which he never replied to, including following emails, leading to the email in which he said he would alert the police.
The only one who has to suffer and deserves the blame is me. I deserve all the misery and suffering I get for going online in the first place. He was free, he was divorced to make love and be-friend who he wanted. He only saw me as a friend and made no real comments on me or my desirability to him. Still I feel angry, I feel angry that he is having what I would have liked to have had one day and I hope I can get this anger out of my system one day before it eats me up further.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Jovial +, writes (20 December 2006):
Hello there
I am very sorry for everything that went wrong in your life, I realized what u have is a very serious condition which need a professional like dagwood said. However I will try to give answers where I can it might not what u were really looking for, but I believe it might help u somehow.
I believe the first step towards ur healing is to accept whatever hardship u came across in ur life. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, what matters is that u came out of it alive bcos u have a purpose to fulfill in this world u might not know it by now, but one day u will realize it, and u wont believe u came thus far.
Like u said u are a very intelligent and educated woman, why don’t u use to that to uplift others who are in worse situations than you? Two of my best mottos is that “what doesn’t kill u makes u stronger” and whatever I might be going thru it could have been worse, and honestly I feel so much better. All of us have problems and unhappy in some ways but the most important thing is to find some thing positive in all that. Look around u and what do u see? A loving sister, mother and brother and a husband for that matter maybe they seem unsupportive or irritable but I know deep down they do love u maybe the problem is that they don’t know how to help u or lift ur spirit, but sometimes u need to start appreciating the little things that u have, they might not big in your eyes but someone out there wishes to have what u have, it sounds strange but true.
I had a child when I was 19yrs old and it nearly destroyed me I blamed myself for not being responsible and I wondered what would my child says when he is older and he didn’t receive enough financial support he is entitled to as a child, I was at uni at the time I failed all my majors bcos I was just so closed up ashamed and feeling sorry for myself, until during the holidays my aunt (she cant have children and her husband left her bcos of that) came for a visit during the holidays she adored my son so much and she said my niece u are really blessed those little words changed my perspective for a yr and ½ I felt like a looser, people said negative things about me as it was not accepted in my community to have a child out of wedlock so u can imagine the shame that was brought into my family, I hated myself for humiliating them although they were supportive I didn’t see that I just wanted to feel better about myself, I wanted to end my life. But the words of admiration that came out of my aunt’s mouth really made me realize that when u think u are sinking someone is sinking deeper and wishes they are at ur level maybe they can be saved.
Try and find a support group of people with ur condition if its not there start one, try to join community outreach programmes, make urself useful visit hospices or shelters u will be able to help other people in worse situations than u are, it will help u appreciate life. U said u don’t know why God hates u so much, God doesn’t hate u everything happens for a reason, there is a life lesson u are learning after each experience, u are educated someone might be in ur condition wishing if only he or she could read they were gonna search every little article that addresses his or her illness. Consider urself lucky.
Maybe u did scare that man away so what? He didn’t want you but u wanted him and it didn’t work-out and as u didn’t matter that much to him he cut all ties and moved on he married someone he loves, I think u should appreciate the fact that he didn’t waste ur time, maybe at first he was genuine but relationship comes and go he might have realized that he wants somebody who is available and u were not bcos u are married, so instead of feeling rejected and deceived think positive maybe he knew he wont be that supportive of ur illness, and he was scared and he couldn’t face telling all this ja he is a coward but he is only human. So pick-up the didgnity u are left with and make something of ur marriage, if u feel ur husband doesn’t appreciate u enough, or u have fallen out of love with him but u want to keep ur marriage seek counseling u said u have a psychiatrist are u making progress, or u just sit there go over the same thing everyday about how dull and boring ur life had become? No one has a perfect life so u are not alone; Ask him or her for solutions on how u can stand up for urself and make something of urself.
At the end of the day we can tell u all we think but the truth is first initiative start with u, and healing start from within. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dagwood for your reply, but that is not true..the man was after a sexual relationship. He told me he was getting married in his last email to me (the one where he threatened to call the police in the UK and Australia after my friend in NZ called him wondering why he didn't reply to my emails). That may be true, or it may have been a reason to get rid of me. He was entitled to feel nothing and not to care. The truth is tough, but he told the truth, he didn't sugar-coat it or pretend he could be my friend after the email I sent him in which I blew up at him, followed by the obsessive one.
It doesn't matter. All I know is that he will eventually have the dreams that I feel is being denied to me because of my inability to feel close to my husband and I want to know why God has done this to me.
Unfortunately, this experience has ruined my life and I have to do my best to put it out of my mind, but I can't because it has ruined my life. If I was a better person, I would not feel so jealous of him or wonder who is sharing his bed. I would wish him well that the universe was giving him what he wanted and that he could be free of a woman that he did not like.
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A
male
reader, Dagwood +, writes (19 December 2006):
 Dear Anon,
Well the fact that you realize all these problems and write them down is a great sign! Good for you. Now that you can actually do this start working on them one by one. Maybe things will improve but I do think seeing a professional will be the right way to go.
However, first things first, forgot the jerk in the UK. He was just after a little hot cyber-sex and probably not worth your time.
Why do you love your husband? Does he love you? Why? What does he do for you? You for him? Is it only material or do you have real intimacy? Discuss these issues with your husband and a professional together. What do you do together? Sex is very important but not always 100% necessary if one of the partners is not physically capable but they can always help the other one out using masturbation/toys etc.
What are you passionate about? Find something; use that obvious intelligence and focus. Excuses never help you or the people around you. I know that a lot of mental illnesses are very real and those require medication but some are psychosomatic and are only made worse by one.
Think of all the things that you have achieved over your life and take the positive ones and focus on those. Let the past remain in the past and never look over your shoulder.
Good Luck and lots of courage, I'm sure you have the brain power to do it!
Ciao Dagwood
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