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Did my husband realise that he was wrong or was the grass not really greener on the other side?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I've been married for 8 years and a month or so ago my husband started hiding his phone and staying out all night until the morning. On top of that he was treating me very poorly. I knew there was another girl in the picture. I saw text messages but they weren't sexual it just seemed as if he was telling her they may have a future but then just changed up on her. Now he is being super sweet to me everything I ever asked of him before he is now doing. My question is do any of you think it's because he did something he knows is wrong or was the grass really not greener on the other side?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntDo you think he was thinking off his children when he was making future plans with another woman? I am sorry to say this but I would struggle to trust him after this. Maybe if he was more honest with you fair enough but he still seems to be hiding something and lying. An emotional affair is sometimes worse than a physical one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Thank you for the feedback I have asked why with the answer being I terrorized him for not having a job which I didn't. I got him a job where I worked and that's where he met her they were in training together. She knew who I was she knew he was married and still went on with whatever it was. I have asked if they were intimate and he said no in one of the te t she said she was glad they didn't go there because he lied to her about something. She is still texting him even after he told her there's nothing between them in front of me. He was weak and stupid for even playing into it we were having problems that could've been solved between us I'm not passive or naive to the situation. We do have kids to consider in all of this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2018):

Thank you for the feedback I have asked why with the answer being I terrorized him for not having a job which I didn't. I got him a job where I worked and that's where he met her they were in training together. She knew who I was she knew he was married and still went on with whatever it was. I have asked if they were intimate and he said no in one of the te t she said she was glad they didn't go there because he lied to her about something. She is still texting him even after he told her there's nothing between them in front of me. He was weak and stupid for even playing into it we were having problems that could've been solved between us I'm not passive or naive to the situation. We do have kids to consider in all of this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

If he had been unhappy he should have talked to you. The fact that he looked elsewhere instead, while keeping you as a back-up is pretty telling.

Another thing, he wasn't putting any effort in covering his tracks. He showed openly the signs that he was cheating and you kept your mouth shut, even after you had found the proof, instead talking to him.

What are you afraid of?

Text messages you mention indicate that there was probably something serious going on on all levels. If you think that the lack of physical intimacy is a good sign, when your husband is obviously emotionally cheating, think again. Those are stepping stones. So what seems enough now, won't be enough after certain time and/or with another person. Besides, all forms of cheating ARE cheating.

What would you tell your sister of a friend if she listed all the things you told us? Including staying out all night.

Unfortunately your passive behavior is giving him a wrong impression that you either don't care about what he's doing or that you are too weak to speak up. Unless you sit down and talk to him, he'll continue thinking whatever it is that he's thinking.

You put your own life not only in the hands of your husband, but in the hands of a complete stranger. What happens if this woman or some other decides that your husband is a prize? What happens when he decides either to finally leave or to continue to have someone on the side?

What do you want? Please don't say for things to be how they were before, because that is NOT an option.

Btw, him being nice again can mean a lot of things, including that he's covering his tracks better, or that he just feels guilty. Guilt usually does not prevent cheaters from cheating. Most cheaters want things to remain the way they are and add some more excitement UNTIL (and if ) they feel ready for a real change. They get to have a cake and eat it too.

I can go on and on speculating. Instead, it's better to focus on you and ask you again what do you want and what are you afraid of? Why do you feel safer not questioning his behavior? Whatever you think you might have done to deserve this, you didn't do anything!(unless you yourself hasn't cheated, everything else, you growing old, fat, more serious... is not a reason). He has no good reason to make this about you. He has the right to fall out of love and become interested in someone else. But he has no right to go behind your back.

Ask him. You are not the one who's in the wrong here. Do not passively wait for someone else to decide for you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (7 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntThe question you SHOULD be asking is "Do I still trust this man?" You KNOW he was cheating. If he was making her promises of a future together, he was not doing that after an innocent shared coffee, was he? There was obviously some history between them. If things had turned out as they planned, YOU would have been consigned to the history bin.

My own suspicion (based on gut feeling and knowledge of other people's affairs) is that, either, she changed her mind and ended things, or she did/said something which changed the whole game for him. However, that is only a guess. Nobody (apart from the two parties involved) can KNOW what happened. We can guess all day long. And, to be honest, I really don't think it is that important. What IS important is that he cheated on you and, by the sound of it, you haven't confronted him on it. Why is that? You do know you will continue to wonder about this until you get some answers, don't you?

In your shoes I would be telling him what you know, asking for reasons why he did what he did, then telling him that there will be no second chances and that, if he screws up again, it is the end. However, I realize we are all different and it sounds like you allow him to walk all over you without raising any objections and then are grateful when he is "super sweet" to you. You do know this phase will not last, don't you? Make the most of it while it does and get all you can because, at some point, he will either settle down into how he was with you before the affair or he will find himself someone else and start treating you badly again. Did you even question where he was when he was staying out all night? Come on, sister. Grow a backbone and stop allowing him to treat you like a door mat.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2018):

It is impossible to say what motivated the switch. Perhaps she told him she wasn't interested and so he is cutting his losses. Perhaps he truly regrets the flirtation. Perhaps he is being sweet to you so that you don't suspect that the affair has turned physical.

Do you know if they did get physical? That would be my first concern to investigate. I would try to look through texts and emails without his knowledge to figure this out. It is fair game if he has been having this emotional affair, it is fair game to investigate.

Does your husband know you are suspicious? Have you talked about it?

Are there children to consider in your marriage?

If the affair got physical, marriage counselling is a must if you decide to stay, or you might choose to leave him.

I think that is ability to switch up his behaviors so quickly shows his bad character traits of being changeable. You never really know who you are getting- Mr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I have a feeling he will not be trustworthy in future.

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