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Did I dodge a bullet?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 March 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 8 March 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone

I guess i'm just looking for some encouragement or advice.

I met a girl at the end of last year and I liked her a lot from the start. We grew closer and would talk often. Then I had to go abroad with university for 3 weeks and once I returned I had to stay in hospital for a week. she asked me if I liked her, I told her I did like her and strangely she told me that she liked me so much but didn't want to get hurt so stopped the feelings. I guess she meant she didn't like me anymore, but once I told her I liked her she seemed interested. Whilst I was abroad she would sometimes act strange. I couldn't always get wifi so sometimes I couldnt' reply straight away and she would say things like "obviously you don't want to talk to me anymore" etc. even though I woke up early every day to talk to her before I went out.

Following this, we tried to arrange to meet again as we live in different cities. we agreed a day however my parents asked me to go home as my granddad was in hospital. It was also his birthday but the main reason it was so urgent was due to his health.

The girl I liked seemed to get very upset that I cancelled the plan, told me she knew I wouldn't go and she doesn't understand my behaviour sometimes and I apologised and tried to explain but she didn't reply to me for a long time.

She told me she has depression and if I make her sad she can't talk to me.

recently she messaged me again randomly but it was short and not so friendly and the next week she posts a message saying she has no boyfriend and complained about how bad guys are (in her language so maybe didn't expect me to translate it) and then minutes later posts a photo of her with a guy and tells me she will go travelling with her boyfriend.

I can't be sure if that first message said she had no boyfriend or not as the translation could be wrong, but it seemed strange to me. It may mean nothing but I thought i'd add it. she could very well actually have a boyfriend.

Obviously I felt awful about that so that is why I am here. I feel sad that I didn't act differently at certain stages but I feel her actions were unreasonable and I basically want you to either reassure me that I dodged a bullet as I am beginning to suspect (but its hard as I still like her so much) or to give me advice on how to be better next time.

Thanks so much

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like she needs attention and reassurance. She said she stopped her feelings but once you told her you liked her she seemed interested again. To me that sounds like she is insecure and needs reassurance from you. If you don't answer straight away because you are abroad that is okay. She sounds super clingy and insecure. She doesn't see the fact that you reply back she just sees the negative like why it took you so long, or do you really like her. This seems like an awful lot of work for someone you have only known a few months.

As for cancelling the date, I get why she would be disappointed, you where away for four weeks, HOWEVER, your family is more important, and if you explained to her your grandad was not well then yes it is okay for her to be disappointed but she should understand. The fact that she didn't suggests that she needs to be the centre of someones universe. She is trying to emotionally black mail you and make you feel bad. Nobody should ever make us feel bad about ourselves, you didn't need to apologize, family comes first.

She is using social media to try and make you jealous. Telling you that you make her sad is not okay. She is responsible for her own feelings not you. It sounds like she is highly manipulative and you should be thankful because yes you sure did dodge a bullet. I am sorry that you grew feelings for this girl, but honestly she sounds like she would be more trouble than she is worth

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (8 March 2018):

N91 agony aunt100%

If she thinks she would come above a family problem of that kind then she's deluded.

I think her reactions tell you all there is to know. Very childish behaviour like she's spitting her dummy out because she's not getting what she wants. Telling you she has depression and saying you're making it worse basically? That's fine, just help her out by not spwaking to her then.

She is definitely trying to make you feel jealous with the picture she uploaded, which shows she will go to desperate lengths for attention. Also the contradiction? Guys suck yet I'm traveling with my boyfriend? She sounds like a real mixed bag of emotions to me, one that I wouldn't even entertain getting involved with.

She's doing you a massive favour by showing what she's all about before you have to risk becoming comitted. You're seeing the warning signs, back away from the situation.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYes you dodged a bullet.

First of all, visiting your grandpa in the hospital is WAYYYYYY more important than hanging out and IF she actually cared about you she would understand.

Second of all, you DO NOT have to respond INSTANTANEOUS to text/snaps/PM's/SMS or what not. UNLESS you can answer it and WANT to answer it. For her to get all butt-hurt and throw a tantrum and use emotional "blackmail" to make you FEEL bad for not answering faster - it's RIDICULOUS!

then she makes up a fake BF that she will be travelling with after she whines about NOT having a BF... It makes her seem a bit unstable and insecure.... AND... full of shit. She was hoping you wouldn't read the first post and understand it and make you "jealous" with the picture.

I would just block her and move on. She sounds like drama and trouble and NOT worth the time.

You aren't even dating and she is making ALL this drama~ That should be a HUGE red flag for you to tell yourself" step away from crazy".....

chin up, block her and move on.

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