A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, not a love question but hope someone can offer advice...My mom is the most intrusive woman in the world (maybe over exaggeration but still..)I have two little ones (6 and 11) and i live on my own with them, self employed, and her gripe is always about the cleanliness of my home.I have such a tiny 2 bed home, as im building my business i can't afford anything bigger, and im saving for a new car, so i find myself working in any spare time i get!my kids are always fed, dressed nice, clean and polite have a nice bedroom, but the rest of my house admittedly gets overlooked at the best of times. I always try my best to keep on top of it and have a sort of routine with it, il do the basics every day ya no, hoover, wash cloths, wash dishes, make beds etc but i have a blitz clean once a week.My mom always shows up unnannounced, doesnt knock just walks in, usually when im swamped with work and proceeds to bash me unrelentlessly about my "messy house" for example the other day she walked in quite early when id not even had chance to wash breakfast dishes and hoover yet, and proceeded to guilt trip me saying she "cant believe or think of her grandkids living in this mess"! i was gobsmacked!I tried explaining and she says its every time she comes up here, so i told her to make an appointment next time, she argued she shouldnt have to with her own daughter!So i told her to either come see me and the kids , not my house, or stay away...I love my mom but shes so unbearable! I just want a nice quiet life with out interferance , looking after my kids and my business, with out her resentment!She hates my work aswell! my line of work has me dealing with clients online, emails etc (dont worry its not anything remotly sexual haha [bad joke]) but i can be on call most of the week and she seems to think i should be turning down clients.Home, cleaning etc first, work after! If i did that , id always be cleaning round after the kids, chastising them constantly, stressed out, neglecting work and money to please her and have a pristine house! id rather work my ass off first knowing the basics are done, then come back to cleaning knowing the money is coming in for me and my kids....ya know since, im the only breadwinner, the kids need food, cloths,heat,electric,roof over head,a nice vacation once a year and yes we need a new car! Im not sure how to even broach this with her, she doesnt listen, she thinks im neglecting my kids in some way! she totally has ocd of some sort and paranoid thoughts! as if im neglecting my kids, i do everything for them! and they get anything before i do! always! its just gotten me to the point where i cant please her, and i dont wanna please her! shes my mom not my live in partner ! i even found myself locking the door and going upstairs to hide when she comes round because i cant deal with another argument! and my god! she was banging on my door, went to the garden banged on my windows, screamed through my letter box....who the F@!k does that? then she left me a message saying she wasnt surprised i didnt let her in the kitchen was a mess!Seriously i dont know what to do, im at the point where id cut her out completely to live my life in peace if it wasnt for the kids, who do love her! what am i gunna do? thanks in advance....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2018):
I think it is totally unacceptable that single mothers STILL get subjected to far more criticism, even from their own mothers and family members, and even when they are working pretty much 24/7 to take responsibility for raising their kids alone. Okay, women in a partnership with a man still get subjected to criticism about housework, but single mothers really do attract criticism that comes from a very deep, long standing prejudice, even from people who have been subjected to forms of prejudice themselves - underneath everything, we are still, in people's minds, selfish for raising kids alone, selfish for trying to combine work and motherhood, selfish for not being perfect mothers in every way, selfish for not putting up with intolerable behaviour from the fathers of our children, selfish for taking on the work of two parents.
I brought up my daughter alone, with a pretty much useless family and no support from my ex husband. In the 1990s the Conservative party, in the UK, ran a 'hate' campaign against single mothers - and Margaret Thatcher also had some political say in this in America too. She wanted us and our children to go and live in religious communes. I went to university instead, combining this with work and raising my daughter. I was in my 20s when the conservative party launched their hate campaign against us and the effects of this caused me extreme depression - any excuse whatsoever and people would just launch in and attack you, no matter what you did, just because you were a single mum.
20 years later and I worked so hard I finally was able to research single motherhood at PhD level, writing my doctoral thesis about the way that they have been politically marginalised; a very longstanding issue is that there has never been adequate national provision of childcare, so this has the knock on effect of making life very hard for anyone wanting to combine work and single motherhood. A way of distracting from this has always been for governments to publicly denounce single mothers, to turn public opinion against them (instead of governments taking responsibility to provide adequate childcare). People fall for this message and are inclined to turn hatred towards us, even in our own families. Today, this public stigma is not as bad as it was, but there is still loads of evidence that single mothers remain vulnerable to attack and that governments are still failing to offer practical help; unlike gay communities or black communities, there is almost no positive representation of us and the fact that we are doing the work of two parents.
When your own mum criticises you for 'bad' housekeeping this is one example of the way that 'surface' criticism shows up, when there are deeper, very longstanding issues going on where governments do little or nothing to help single mums. The public messages may have died down a little, but there are no positive messages being sent out to encourage others to accept us and to help. Instead of criticising you, it would be great if she could see the bigger picture, and that she, along with millions of others, has been duped into fearing your life because it is different to hers and, on that basis, to criticise it and put you down. It is highly unlikely that she will understand this however. One thing that I do know from experience and from my PhD research, is that women are very often inclined to become / end up as single parents because their own families and particularly their mothers, put them down and lowered their self esteem even before they became mothers. IN other words, single Mum's are often positioned in the original family as the doormat, the scapegoat, the one that the family uses for their own ends and doesn't help. The effects are to lower self esteem so that we expect less, but to also incline us to give endlessly and work harder than most to try to prove ourselves and our validity to others, all with the hope of finally being accepted. I bet your mother's criticism of you began long before you had children. If you look back in your earlier life, the seeds of this current situation would already be there.
After my mother died, I eventually cut my own two sisters out of my life because they refused to ever really acknowledge that I had a child and was struggling to bring her up and work at the same time. They simply expected me to mother them as I'd been positioned to even when our 'real' mother was alive, and solve all their problems and provide them with entertainment whilst they ignored my daughter entirely and turned a blind eye to how difficult things were for me. They never lifted a finger to help me, but expected me to do everything and anything for them. They were absolutely oblivious to the reality of my life, partly because my own mother was so critical of me from the get go. She would constantly put me down, from childhood, but expect me to effectively mother my two sisters, whilst she was pretty much useless as a mother. I know for a fact that when I became a single mum, various people, but especially childless 'friends', criticised me behind my back for not having an immaculate home - I was like you: doing the basics every day and keeping on top of things, holding down jobs, and could have done without the criticism.
Women - especially those of an elder generation - always tend to criticise one another's housework standards. They do this, quite simply, because they haven't got anything better to do. Small lives and small minds. You could say they haven't had the opportunities to get out into the work environment and develop a better life for themselves, and so they become competitive and critical over issues surrounding domesticity; for decades governments keep forcing women into unpaid domestic work, one way or another, and women are still expected to 'serve' this role without any real recognition for it, but with huge criticism if they don't excel in it.
But there's also an argument to say that these critical women could have tried harder too, to get out of that situation where all they think about is housework and this is the only form of validation they recognise for themselves.
When your Mum comes and criticises your housework standards, maybe point out to her that she has nothing better to do with her life and point her in the direction of charities that like to take on volunteers - including for cleaning duties in people's homes, or encourage her to set up her own cleaning company. In the time that she is criticising you, she could be earning money or helping others. Honestly, it would be worth doing a bit of research on charities like that and get her to sign up to help them. Redirect her criticisms into actions that will benefit someone. Also, tell her firmly that you are changing the locks on your home and that she cannot just walk in and criticise you. And change your locks ! She really does need to get a life of her own and voluntary work would be the way forward with this. Reassure her that you love her, but that YOU and not she, are setting the ground rules for how you will be treated. Be consistent in this, be very strong, she will get the message.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 March 2018):
 I'd tell her if she wants to see the kids you can meet OUTSIDE your house, at the park, the Mall, her house etc. But you ARE done being belittled and nagged about your house by her.
If she does the whole banging on the letterbox, the police will be called. Tell her once. Second time... call the police.
It might give her pause being told to go home by the cops.
Having a little bit of clutter is NOT abnormal when you have kids.
If she REALLY wants to see the grand kids, she will stop this. THAT is what'd I'd tell her. So it's up to her. Either she ACTS like a grown up and stay OUT of your business, don't show up uninvited or... she won't SEE you or the kids until she can respect YOUR boundaries.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2018): Offer her two scenarios (and mean it!) both of which include shutting up and one of which includes calling in advance, instead of just showing up.
The first one would be to call and check with you if she can come, then come, spend time with you and the girls and NOT complain about the mess.
She could also ask you if you need help with anything and if you do, help you out, you being a single working mom etc.
The second one, would be for her not to come at all. That way you wouldn't have to listen to her complain until she's ready to treat you with respect and then we're back to the first option.
I know it's hard, but you must do it for your and your kids' sake. When she belittles you like that, your kids can get so many wrong impressions that I don't know where to start!
You have to stick to your guns.
When I started dating my now husband, many members of my family didn't like him. He wasn't in the line of business that brings (a lot of) money. He had somewhat longer hair, a tattoo on his arm... My parents being dead, my aunt took the role of my mother and wouldn't give him a chance. By that time I had already finished my studies, had a job, lived alone. She was horrible. Before I put my foot down she had ruined many a family gathering.
I tried talking to her. Nothing. And then, decided not to invite her for my birthday. Everybody else was invited and since I didn't want to let anything to chance, I went to see her and talk to her. I was stressed, because I anticipated the unpleasantness, but I had to do it. In a nutshell, I told her I loved her and that I respect her, but that until I get the same respect from her I won't be inviting her over.
Of course she complained to everyone and some of them took her side. It wasn't the best birthday ever, but it wasn't a disaster. And by Christmas, she realized I was serious and showed an effort when we would meet at other people's parties, lunches etc.
The best part was that when she got to meet my husband, she liked him. Now he sometimes goes to visit her when I'm working. And she loves it. They even did a few projects together (my hubby's a woodworker).
For me it was about my self-respect, not so much about my husband.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (6 March 2018):
 I had and Aunt and Grandmother try to pull this on my wife. They were never allowed in the house again. Just go out on the porch and talk there. It's been 20 years.
My Dad tried a few times to parent me over 25. I asked him if he was going to ground me. At least he caught on. Consequences, are the answer. Sorry Mom you can't visit the kids this month because once again you have failed to respect me. We'll try again in April.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 March 2018):
 Honestly it sounds to me like your mother might be feeling a bit useless now that you have growing up and you are the mother to children now.
Does your mother work? It sounds like she is bored and possibly lonely and she is taking it out on you. It could be that she is jealous of you with two children to look after and a job?
The only way I would sort this is to sit down with her just the both of you. Not in front of the children. Explain to her that it is your house and your rules. Be firm and tell her the next time she criticizes you she is not welcome back. Be open and honest with her, tell her the constant getting on to you is getting you down and you cannot cope with it any more.
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