A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met some one new, my question is, so do I act like my self,which is a gentleman, kind of guy who opens doors, says nice things, I keep hearing from my friends that am too nice, act like I don't give a hoot, my friends say she will like me more, so do I have to act like a bad boy to find true love, I been burnt so many times, I just feel like that if I got to treat them, like I don't care, it just isn't me, I want them to feel special,it's funny I have been with women, that I wasn't in Love with, but liked, and they love me, its like an using them till someone else comes along, in the past ten years I've been in love two times, treated them I thought really good,and I got hurt really bad cried alot, even at work.Be my self, or a bad boy.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2018):
 Be yourself, but with self respect. Dont be taken for a fool. There is a difference between being nice, and being used.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (8 March 2018):
 There are more than 2 options here. Bad boy, and Nice guy are not the only choices. Honey has a very good point most truly nice guys would never call themselves nice guys. The guys who call themselves nice guys are too frequently trying to nice their way into someones pants. Bad boys, are frequently abusive and dangerous which is why women your age are telling you that they are over that bad boy thing.
Now from a man's point of view women choose boyfriends like they shop when on a diet. They know that they want to buy low fat, and Salads, and healthy cereal. They may even fill their cart with rabbit food, but on the way out of the store they are still going to pick up a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and a couple of chocolate bars. It doesn't take a genius to figure out which one is going to be eaten first.
I want to give you some more practical advice. In High School I had a friend that was borderline creepy in his nice manners. He would have tripped off most girls spiddy senses. But he had 2 things going for him. One he had terrible Acne. And two he wore his hair long. You may be wondering how these are good things. They made him edgy, and rough around the edges the image kept him busy through high school. He was a nice guy, but he didn't follow all the rules. There was enough excitement there to overcome his personality.
Personally I'm quite short but never had trouble dating taller women, Once I started investing in Leather. Not biker stuff, but not that metero-sexual lambskin stuff either. Not posing, just having my thing.
In general, Don't answer every call or text message. Be unavailable some times. It is best if you are unavailable because you are tied up with your hobby. e.g. Band, sport, Car, outdoorsy stuff. Which leads to the next thing have hobbies. Nothing is more scary to women than a man whose only hobby is looking for love.
One little note about being a conversationalist. You can't converse if you don't have an opinion. And no one will respect you if you don't stick to your beliefs. The classic example is the avid hunter dating a vegan. If you believe something stand for it. Sure she may not agree and a vegan is never going hunting with you, but she will respect you. Without respect you will never get a second date.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 March 2018):
 Say being a "bad boy" (cringe! You're in your 40s!) worked.... then what, pretend for the rest of your life, just so you can stay with someone who doesn't even know who you really are?I get it; it seems like jerks "win", but they rarely have long, successful relationships. You're at an age where being a "bad boy" is immature and a waste of time. I mean, it is when you're younger too, but it happens.Most genuinely good guys don't call themselves that. They're good guys because it's who they are and they don't expect women to date them just because they do gentlemanly things. You seem miffed that doing good things doesn't automatically lead to a date. Women don't owe you a date just because you treat them nicely.Be yourself. Most women want kindness, common interests, a connection, politeness and gentlemanly actions, but not being treated as fragile or incapable. Being aloof or rude won't help. Be secure enough in who you are. Don't expect the "good guy" stuff to automatically lead to a date. Genuine good guys don't consider giving it up just because it doesn't get them a girlfriend - that's what guys do when their "good" actions are only/mostly to land them a partner.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (8 March 2018):
You want to be yourself. Taking on another persona rarely works...I've seen people do that and they very obviously don't feel comfortable with themselves, which is a real turn-off. Unless you are a great actor (Hollywood level) you shouldn't try to be someone else.
I think just about all woman value a man with good manners. And this is the kind of woman you want. What woman would like a man with poor manners? Some of them show up here on DQ but they don't seem to be your type.
Perhaps the element your friends allude to is some combination of mystery, daring and confidence. Are you "puppy dog nice" and dancing on your hind legs as you try to get their attention and win their favor? That can be a turn-off for a girl...that guy just isn't enough of a challenge.
Your friends obviously see something that you might improve upon. You should ask them to elaborate on what exactly makes you "too nice." I don't think it has much to do with having good manners. More likely you are too eager, easy and attentive at the beginning.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 March 2018):
 Young girls like the excitement of the thought of a "bad boy."
I put it down to all the raging hormones and romantic thoughts of being the woman who calm the beast .... and lets be honest, those hot young bad boys strutting their stuff, hot bods encased in leather and roaring around in a cool car or on a hot bike does, on the surface, seem appealing.
But, based on personal research which involved lots of conversations with lots of women, on the whole they don't go for that bad boy stuff, especially if the try hard bad boy is a man in the 40s and beyond.
Interestingly enough women don't go for the "nice guy" either, they aren't interested in being the little helpless woman who require doors opened or grand, over the top, gestures.
Women like men who make them laugh. They also like men who can carry a conversation, who will accept that women have opinions and ideas and are thinking, reasoning beings. Women are not usually interested in being placed on pedestals.
Women like men who are not fakes or flakes, who keep their word, who are honest and up front.
Whoever told you that women like bad boys doesn't know women.
PS having a door opened is nice, that's why if its appropriate I will open the door for people, men, women, boys and girls ... and if somebody opens the door for me, regardless age or gender I always express my appreciated.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (8 March 2018):
 I think most men have reached this crossroads at some point in their lives. To be or not to be? It's unfortunate that the kind and caring people are the ones who get stomped on the most, however, it's with good reason.
You shouldn't aim to be one of two extremes. Being too nice is just as bad as being too mean. The pros and cons vary but they share equal and opposite reactions. There's a difference between a bad boy, a good man and a nice guy.
I think you should aim to be a good man. This is someone who exudes confidence, firmness and stands up for themselves when necessary. They are caring and considerate but won't have time for people's crap all day long. They let the word know they can be good and kindhearted but, but don't care what others think, is willing to distance himself from unworthy people and WILL pull be mean if sees it fit.
The nice guy on the other hand is a doormat who everyone grows annoyed of eventually. Because the nice guy only thinks he should express himself in one way and one way only....by being nice....ALL THE TIME. Being nice isn't the problem, it's just the unending consistency of it. In turn, it makes the man seem fake and robotic because he refuses to express himself in any other way ESPECIALLY towards women. Thinking that being nice all day long will score him extra points with ladies when in fact it hinders their chances.
When people upset the nice guy. He doesn't do anything. When people annoy the nice guy. He keeps silent. When people tease the nice guy. He greets them with a smile. Because the nice guy is usually afraid of destroying his pristine nice guy image thinking it will make him look like a bad person or some feral savage when him truth it only makes him look like a human being with feelings and boundaries.
Women believe that how you respond to others is how you will respond to them in a relationship or marriage. So if you're a pushover for everyone else you'll be a pushover for her too. And that's a BIG turn off on their part. A woman wants a man who will LEAD them, not follow behind them like a puppy.
Bad boys on the other hand are just like good men but on the opposite end of the spectrum. Just like good men they have all the necessary traits women find attractive in man like confidence, expressiveness and leadership however then tend to be meaner and more aggressive than the good man and tend to cheat 10 times more.
So in short, women often use or don't want nice guys, settle for bad boys because of their confidence but in the long run want a good man who won't treat them badly. I recommend you google "Why women prefer bad boys" and start there. You'll find a plethora of information.
Naturally, the aim is always to be yourself when entering a relationship. It would be a waste if you didn't. But being a nice guy means you have work to do because you can't live the rest of you life under one single mantra. When something angers you, show anger, when something is unacceptable point it out firmly, when your girlfriend asks what next? Lead the way THEN when it's time to be nice....be nice. EVERYONE WILL RESPECT YOU SO MUCH MORE...FRIENDS INCLUDED...TRUST ME.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 March 2018):
 I think at your age (which is the same age group as myself) the whole "bad boy" is quite passé.
It's the younger women who goes for bad boys and IF they are smart they only do that once...
The thing with SAYING you are a good guy it's... a little cringy. I know many guys I'd classify as "good guys" but I seriously doubt ANY of those men would call themselves a "good guy".
Opening doors and saying nice things are all well and good and probably very pleasant for most women - IF it comes across as genuine. If it doesn't.. then you are only shooting yourself in the foot.
Why would you got from one "extreme" to another? Why not just tone down the "good guy routine"? If you have any male friends who are "successful" around women OBSERVE their behavior and interactions.
Personally, I like people having manners but I would NOT enjoy feeling smothered or treated like I can't do anything for myself. There are times and places where opening a door IS nice (and the right thing to do) but then there are times where it just seems like play-acting like a facade. Mostly because it's not commonly done anymore.
You CAN make a woman feel special JUST by being you. By being a good listener, good conversationalist, having a sense of humor she is compatible with and so forth, just DO NOT go over the top with it.
Go slow when meet a woman, get to know her, see what you have in common, PAY ATTENTION. You might actually scare off some with the "nice guy routine" if they feel it's insincere.
So, no I don't think you need to turn into a "bad boy" for Pete's sake you aren't 19 - you are in your 40. Be a GROWN man. Be you. Not a character.
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