A
male
age
41-50,
*ostbird
writes:I'm lost...........I am a 37yr old male who has been married for 5-1/2 years been with my wife for 8 years. We have a beautiful 2-1/2 year old daughter who is my life and soul. I am stuck in a spot where the only thing right now in life is what my daughter feels and thinks about her daddy. I do not want her to think I am a let down. Wife and I have not been happy for almost 2 years now. I am just not sure that I want to be involved anymore. A lot of my friends ask and say that they cannot believe that I have lasted this long with her. Well again it is all about my daughter and me not wanting her to think bad about me. But I am falling apart inside cause I am not happy anymore. Anything in our home is her choice. What I mean is her choice of furniture, paint on the walls, dishes, flooring, lights all her choice anytime I suggest something or have a opinion it is wrong or stupid. I have also been a avid softball player for 30 years I have no intention on giving it up at that is my recreation. She wants nothing to do with it and gives me a hard time every time. I take my daughter with me to my games and she has a great time. It is just anything I do, try have, wear it is just never good enough. I get yelled at everyday and I used to yell back but I have just lost all energy in doing this so I just stay quiet and try not to yell or fight especially when our daughter is around which she just does not care. But when I do this quiet thing it is my fault again cause I don't want to talk about it. I get yelled and screamed at when I get stuck in traffic yes traffic, on my way home if I am not home by a 5pm after work and she calls on my cell I tell her I am stuck in traffic on the highway. Again not good enough she gets mad and yells on the phone, when I get home the yelling continues yes I guess my fault cause there is traffic or an accident on the highway.I just don't know what to do anymore as I feel I am just not good enough for her anymore, in all this I have lost all feelings for her. I get home she leaves out the door (yes to go to work) no good-bye kiss, then comes home late (sometimes midnight or later) in the night expecting to have a conversation or yell at me (the other night was cause I did not fold the laundry correct! oops sorry for helping to do some laundry). I get up at 4am for work everyday so me not wanting to yell or wanting to have a conversation at midnight or later again my fault. No good night kiss just rolls into bed then to sleep.She has threatened time and time again that she is done with me, tosses off her wedding bands, says she wants out but I think she is just saying that out of anger. I have made my decision in life to move on but then I cave in when it comes to my daughter. I am still at home but wanting out. I feel that I am just getting beat up here not physically (although there have been times where she has swung at me) but mentally. Every time I try to look for answers it is always men abusing women is there any help for my situation out there. I mean help and advice for me. I am done.lost in my mind that is running circles and only getting back to where I startedwhere do I turn? I feel like I am the abused mentally. Everywhere I look for info there is nothing for a abused husband.
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male
reader, Drummer Dad  +, writes (3 February 2011):
I have almost the exact same situation going on, lost bird. I moved in with my father for the time being because I cant let my precious two and a half year old girl be witness to this anymore. My wife has actually locked me out of my house and is convinced that, even though I am a loving, kind and very commited and involved father, it is not healthy for my daughter to be around me. Another frightening example is the time when my wife didn't want me around during a play date with her girlfriend and her kids. I told my wife that I needed to take a shower, get some work done on the computer and that I wasn't leaving. She went absolutely ballistic and was screaming, crying and begging for me to go. I held my ground and calmly said that I was not leaving. She became enraged and I didn't want my baby alone with her. All of this was in front of our daughter and she was on the verge of tears and holding my leg. (I know! She's got some serious issues. It gets worse.) My wife snatched my girl and went upstairs and locked herself and my daughter in her bedroom. Soon after this I was playing with my daughter and my wife was somewhat calm. I was holding her when my wife was opening the front door. I'm thinking it's her play date and in walk 3 police officers. My wife had called the cops telling them that I threatened and raised my fist at her just to get me out of the house. We are in the beginning stages of a divorce. I feel sick to my stomach when I am away from my baby. I have a lawyer. Any advice out there? I would like to chat with you, Lost Bird and check how you have been and maybe we could help each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Did you manage to deal with your problem? Please update us.
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A
male
reader, lostbird +, writes (9 December 2009):
lostbird is verified as being by the original poster of the question you guys are all great! I much appreciate it! again tonight I get home 5 after 5 . I am usually home at 5 she is in the door waiitng. She runs out jumps in her truck and races off.
I have 2 friends who say I have a place to stay for a bit. one is a male the other is a female. The male has his own family and a new born. The female is my age and single but she has always been there as a set of ears to listen to me and a shoulder to lean on. Toxic is exactly how I feel. I go to work 2-3 hours early just so I can get away from her. My home is going to be up for sale in the short future and I am not worried about it selling fast as people always ask about it and stop and look at it. The sooner the better. But I just don't want to distrupt the holiday season. I have 2 weeks off over the holidays but honest I feel I should just continue to go into work to stay away from the house and her. But I will miss time away from my daughter though. God I hate this feeling. Never been in this situation before so yes I am scared.
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A
male
reader, lostbird +, writes (9 December 2009):
lostbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guys are all great! I much appreciate it! again tonight I get home 5 after 5 . I am usually home at 5 she is in the door waiitng. She runs out jumps in her truck and races off.
I have 2 friends who say I have a place to stay for a bit. one is a male the other is a female. The male has his own family and a new born. The female is my age and single but she has always been there as a set of ears to listen to me and a shoulder to lean on. Toxic is exactly how I feel. I go to work 2-3 hours early just so I can get away from her. My home is going to be up for sale in the short future and I am not worried about it selling fast as people always ask about it and stop and look at it. The sooner the better. But I just don't want to distrupt the holiday season. I have 2 weeks off over the holidays but honest I feel I should just continue to go into work to stay away from the house and her. But I will miss time away from my daughter though. God I hate this feeling. Never been in this situation before so yes I am scared.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 You need to stop this sooner rather than later, our children do the bulk of their learning from birth up to about age 4, and right now she is learning all the wrong things from her mother.
Seek some legal advise, from what you are saying you should have no problems having a decent relationship with your daughter, but get out of that toxic environment before you blow up and do something she deserves (a big slap up the side of the head for a start!)
I do wish you well and hope you can get your life back on track, your daughter deserves a happy well adjusted father, especially as she is not going to have a happy well adjusted mother
good luck!
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (8 December 2009):
Just tell her to fuck off. One day in the middle of her screaming, just tell her to fuck off. Then leave the house and don't come back for 3 days, she won't know where you are, switch off your phone and take a day or two off work. Then give her a letter/email explaining why you are fed up. Remember not to write anything which can be used against you in a possible divorce. The point of this leaving and incommunicado is to give her time to think and to shift the balance of power in your relationship. Tell her you don't want a divorce but if she cannot respect you then you are happy to go through with it. There is no court that will deny you access to your daughter. She is young enough not to be affected and also young enough to accept a step mother. If she grows up with a controlling mother and weak father, guess what? She will be the same too. I am not saying you need to be controlling but there needs to be mutual respect. After you have shown her you mean business then you might not even need the counselling.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Okay I guess at this point after reading your follow-ups that it's time for a separation. Can you afford an apartment and still pay the mortagage? If so do it, if not is there family or friends you can move in with for awhile? I think the mind clears up and one's thinking improves when one gets separated from the source of the problem. It may just be the ticket for you two to see if you are truly better off not being together. Good luck, Buddy.
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A
male
reader, lostbird +, writes (8 December 2009):
lostbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe has always been given to by her parents!! I honestly do not think she can handle the world by herself. She will not have my health benifts to rely on. As one said "The only thing bad for her is if you are doing a lot of yelling or she is in front of the baby, that is fairly traumatizing."
ha even the dog walks away when my wife yells. The dog goes and hides in the stairs by the back door.
I just don't know where to start this ball rolling on seperation. Does one just say I'm leaving then walk away? Do I actually need to retain a lawyer for seperation? I know for a fact that once this is set the house is going up for sale. I know she WILL not be able to afford it on her own. Even with child support funds. One thing is that I will NEVER let the ball drop for my daughter. As bad as it sounds I feel bad for my dog too.
I realy thank all those replies and advice. There are some actually nice people in the world even though you just may not know them!
Wow if one ever met me you would never think I would be such an emotional person but this has just ripped me apart from the inside .
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A
male
reader, lostbird +, writes (8 December 2009):
lostbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe has always been given to by her parents!! I honestly do not think she can handle the world by herself. She will not have my health benifts to rely on. As one said "The only thing bad for her is if you are doing a lot of yelling or she is in front of the baby, that is fairly traumatizing."
ha even the dog walks away when my wife yells. The dog goes and hides in the stairs by the back door.
I just don't know where to start this ball rolling on seperation. Does one just say I'm leaving then walk away? Do I actually need to retain a lawyer for seperation? I know for a fact that once this is set the house is going up for sale. I know she WILL not be able to afford it on her own. Even with child support funds. One thing is that I will NEVER let the ball drop for my daughter. As bad as it sounds I feel bad for my dog too.
I realy thank all those replies and advice. There are some actually nice people in the world even though you just may not know them!
Wow if one ever met me you would never think I would be such an emotional person but this has just ripped me apart from the inside .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Ok I agree with Caring Guy about the spoiled brat thing, but I don't agree that your 2 1/2 year old is learning how to be spoiled, yet. The only thing bad for her is if you are doing a lot of yelling or she is in front of the baby, that is fairly traumatizing.
I understand you tried counseling and it was a rip you apart session, well that is pretty common, you have to get all the anger out before you can get to this issues underneath the anger and start a dialogue going, I think maybe you might need to hang in a little longer. If you don't want to do the work, that is up to you, but you seem rather lost about what to do. I still think it would help you tremendously if you found your own therapist even if you end up ending the marriage it will help you with your decisions and how to cope. If you feel that you have been emotionally abused, that is really hard and if it has been going on a long time you may need some therapy just to get back to you, to loving and caring for yourself and that is important for you. When you fly in a plane the safety rules are that you put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your child. Your child needs you to take care of yourself first.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
You just hit upon something interesting there, when you mentioned her parents not saying no. She's a spoilt brat and has had everything her way. Sadly, your daughter will be seeing all of this, and taking it all in. I think it's now time, if you've done counselling and it hasn't worked, to speak to a lawyer instead. It's sad, and it will hurt, but you don't want your daughter growing up in a house where her mother is putting her father down all the time. She will feel worthless and feel like she's to blame. So if you've tried, and failed to sort this out, it's time your wife learnt that she is no longer a little spoilt brat, but a grown woman who has responsibilities.
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A
male
reader, lostbird +, writes (8 December 2009):
lostbird is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe tried a marriage counselor and it was just a rip me apart session after session. She is $ hungry won't even let me see the bills that come in (yet I pay them) won't let me see the mail. I just feel we are being bad examples for our daughter.I just sometimes I wish that when she yelled at me saying she is done and wants out I should of just said "fine go then!"Don't get me wrong I care for her I just do not love her anymore. She has created so much debt. Of course all in here name. She has a huge loan from her parents (who I wish just said NO to her sometimes) the only thing that both of our names are on is the house and regular bills that come in.I am older than her by 5 years and I feel like the child sometimes when she talks down to me. and that she does in front of anybody. many of our friends ask why do I put up with it.....just sucks.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
It will damage your daughter to see what she is seeing. My parents don't love each other. I knew that when I was 6 years old. Pretty gutting to be honest. I completely agree with Rhythm about 'earning your way out' with the counselling. Her post says all you need to know. But believe me, your daughter will be worse if she knows you live together just for her and nothing else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Well any articles you read on emotional abuse will apply to anyone if you are a victim of it.
It sounds to me that your marriage is definately headed for a divorce because you show the signs of the four horseman which are what couples do to destroy their communication, and yes you are part of the problem if you go silent, that is called stonewalling and is actually the last stage...so you are really ready to get out. Gottman is the researcher that says these four horsemen predict divorce by 82% but that doesn't include repair attempts.
That said it doesn't mean that you have to throw in the towel yet. I think that when you have a child inolved like you do you owe it to that child to earn your way out of your marriage and you never want to make as important a decision like that when you are angry or even depressed.
What I suggest you do, is first make an appointment with a family and marriage counselor or a psychologist and talk to them about what is going on and your feelings, it will help you cope and help you come to a decision about things. If your wife is willing to get counseling with you than all the better, but if she isn't, then you can still go and learn some ways to possibly put a stop to the five horsemen on your own and by changing your behavior, your wife will have to change because you won't be reacting to her the same way or doing the same things as you are now.
If and until you feel you have done everything you can to save your marriage and you feel good about your decision to leave it, then you will have earned your way out and you have nothing to feel badly about. Your daughter deserves to grow up in a loving home not a loveless marriage.
http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/gottman.html
http://www.marleneandbob.com/the4horsemen.pdf
http://www.gottman.com/privatetherapy/evaluation/
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