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Can a gay man become straight or could this ruin our friendship

Tagged as: Dating, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 August 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2018)
A female Ireland age 26-29, anonymous writes:

It was 5 years ago when I decided to move from Ireland to Chicago to work it was there I met my best friend. Me and John met at work and formed an unseperable friendship. We have been through so much together from breakups to happy moments to sleeping and spooning together on cold wet winter nights in the same bed because we were that close together and that comfortable with each other infact we even rented an apartment together for 2 years until he moved out with his boyfriend. We always laugh when we are together. We gossip we give out about the people that bother us we know every inch of each others childhoods , we even took a bath together when we were drunk last Christmas. Every Friday after work for the last 3 years ((we don’t work together anymore as he changed jobs) , but after a long week of working we just love to come and chill out in each others apartments it’s what we always do. We come over we lay on the couches we get take out a bottle of wine and unravel the details of what happened all week and after we get drunk we either dance joke or cry about something . It was 10 weeks ago we decided on a Saturday night to go out. John has always been affectionate towards me always hugged me arms around me it’s how we always have been and we have always been mistaken for a couple and when we were John would joke and say I wish and we would just laugh. This particular night it was so different I sensed it . Usually when we go out we like to go to a regular club first and then we hit the gay bars so we both get what we want. This particular night John wanted to grab dinner and he called it a date night . I was a little taken back but I thought it’s John he’s just being himself . When we met at my place he kept completing me and said how lucky he was to take me on a date, I just laughed I figured it was just a joke as he always jokes. At dinner we talked as normal but he insisted paying usually we split the bill. Then we went to the club and first the first time ever he stayed beside me all night no matter how tipsy we got he stayed with me and didn’t go off flirting with guys, and it wasn’t till we went out dancing and someone bumped off me that made me brush up against him that he placed his hand on my face and kissed me, when he pulled away we just smiled and I decided to lean in and kiss him again we kissed for at least five solid minutes, we were tipsy but aware of what we were doing. The following day I woke up to a text saying I hope we are ok . I text hi yes and he said I’ll talk properly to you Friday . That Friday night like any Friday night he came with take out and wine . When he sat down we talked normally, I could tell he wanted to say something but couldn’t until he had a few glasses of wine , he then said look I don’t know how I can bring it up but I adored every minute of Saturday night he then asked me did the kiss mean something to me , I said yes . He then said the kiss meant a lot to him that he’s been attracted to me for a long time and has felt feelings for me for at least 6 to 12 months . I did notice John hadn’t dated in 12 months and when I used to ask him if he was dating he always replied that his head was in a funk. I told him it was really special to me and that I do fancy him, which I do. He then got up sat beside me and said kiss me then, and I did , we then went to my bedroom and had sex I could tell he was inexperienced, and nervous in fact I could feel him tremble and shake in frustration not knowing how to un clip my bra but then I laughed. He asked me what nervously and I grabbed his hand and told him stop panicking he then began to calm down. After he figured it out we had such an incredible romantic passionate and enjoyable experience a night I won’t forget. We are official for over 6 weeks now in fact he has moved in with me, he’s become so confident in the bedroom and he’s not afraid to show his affection in public. He’s romantic he’s thoughtful he just makes me so happy and it’s just crazy what’s happened these past few months . He’s promised me that he’s not with me because he’s curious as that has worried me. He’s told me he wouldn’t dish out friendship that he has thought long and hard about making a move and if the signal from me was positive when he first kissed me that he was going to persue. I think what’s really on my mind is , if this is to last forever how come we never felt this way 5 years previous? Why did we see other people? Why didn’t we fall for each other the two years we lived together? Can a gay man actually turn straight for one woman? Can it happen that you can be around someone for years and develop feelings later on ? I have cared for this man for years and yes I have thought about him that way for years but I always figured he was gay and would never be interested in me. I am so happy right now but I’m afraid also I’m just afraid that if it doesn’t work out I’ll lose someone that’s been in my life for so long , please help me.

View related questions: at work, best friend, bra , christmas, drunk, flirt, moved in, moved out, text

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 August 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt I am not sure that this guy's sexual orientation has actually got anything to do with your concern, which is : I am afraid that if it does not work out , I will lose someone who has been in my life etc.etc.

Well, yes. Of course. If it does not work out, maybe you will not completely lose him, but it's difficult , almost impossible, that you can seamlessly go back to being bossom buddies after having being a couple, involved sexually and romantically. There are people that, in time, manage to

" stay friends " with exes, but that generally means acting civil and personable when you move in the same social circles, attend the same events etc, and being able to have a normal conversation without awkardness. It does not mean, as far as I have always seen so far, regaining the special level of closeness, or intimacy or complicity as before the break up.

I don't think , for instance, you just would start comfortably sharing a bed and cuddling , after you have been in a sexual relationship for a while.

And I don't think that a new partner of either of you would be ok knowing that his / her S.O. is devoting so much time , thought and energies to a third person and carrying on what woild amount to a sort of emotional affair.

So, yes, it is very likely that if it does not work out and you two break up, things won't ever go back to just as they were before, and the friendship, if not lost, will be changed, tuned down .

But, it would be the same also if , before you, he always had been heterosexual, and had always slept only with women, wouldn't it ?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (31 August 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntNot sure what advice you are seeking as you seem to have pretty much "done the deed" now. You have got into this relationship and even moved in together. What advice could people possible give you?

Nobody can EVER predict whether a relationship will last or not. The most unlikely relationships sometimes last for ever, while "perfect" partnerships can fall apart overnight. There is no way of telling whether you two will last as a couple or not.

You are by no means the first couple I have heard of where one/both members have had preference for the other sex in the past. I think these days many people tend for fall for the PERSON rather than their gender. If he loves you as a friend (which he obviously does), then it is not surprising his feelings have grown deeper over time. Just because he had a preference for men in the past does not necessarily mean you two cannot be happy. Given that your relationship is based on a long term friendship, I would say you probably have more chance than many of staying together happily as you already know each other so well.

As with all relationships, you can only give it your best shot and work together. You are already close as friends, so now work at being together close as a couple. Discuss your fears. Discuss your misgivings. Be strong for one another and support each other, as you have done in the past. Grow together.

Keeping everything crossed for you and wishing you all the very best.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 August 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou don't change sexuality. It adapts as you understand yourself more, but that's it.

Stop rushing things. You've been in friend mode for 5 years - you don't know what it's like to be a couple and you don't even know if he's actually bisexual or gay and just subconsciously curious about dating you/women. That screams "don't move in yet!" I mean, it makes no sense for any couple to move in before 9 months or so of dating. Before that, it's absolutely honeymoon-like.

It's up to you, but there's no going back to just friends the way you were before and rushing things spoil them 95+% of the time. To be honest, you've had feelings for years, so you've never even truly seen him as a friend, that's why you're rushing it, but it's unwise, to say the least.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 August 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNo, gay is gay. Straight is straight.

Maybe he was bisexual with a MALE preference until he met you.

Maybe he wants a "normal" family, which would mean... dating a woman. Maybe his mom wants grand-kids or his family doesn't want him to be gay.

It's a little too late to worry about whether this will ruin the friendship. If you two don't work out... you aren't going to be able to just jump back into a friendship.. that isn't realistic.

Who knows if the two of you will work out? If he is bisexual, then maybe it will.

I hope you are using condoms and BOTH taking a STD panel test. Not so much because he is gay but if he had previous sexual relationships and you do too, it's always smart and yes, YOU should ALWAYS do that with a new partner.

Why it took you two 5 years to get there? I can't answer, maybe because he wanted to EXPLORE the man/man attraction he has/had.

And OP, pump the breaks a little... You two have been going at it for 6 weeks, there is NO WAY of knowing if this is "forever". And moving in together? Seems rushing it. (and that is putting it mildly).

Personally, I absolutely get why you have some nagging doubts. But since you already jumped in with both feet, I would just do the STD panel, and go slow.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018):

Hi, your story sounds really attractive. Time will tell, but I think your relationship may work. He seems to have been homoflexible and found the right woman to make it work, in that both of you appear to be fulfilled together.

Give the whole thing some time, and good luck!

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