A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I checked my boyfriend’s phone about a month ago and there was an indication that he had received a text from an old f**k buddy at 3am. We have been going through a difficult time recently and I had been feeling very insecure in the relationship due to my own behaviour; I punched him when I was drunk and I have been unfaithful in the past when drunk (just kissing, no sex, twice with different people. He does not know about this). Although I found the text recently it was sent last September. I didn’t see him on the weekend in question but he was working (he works shifts). We spoke on the phone. I have asked him why she text him and he said he cant remember getting it and that she probably just sent it to see how he was. I asked if anything happened between them and he said ‘I cant believe you are even asking me that.’ I also asked if she still likes him (I think she does) and he said that he didn’t think so.I cant get all this out of my head. Am I being insecure because I was unfaithful and I am reflecting this back at him by being suspicious or do you think I should worry about this? In a way I feel I should let it go. We went on holiday the weekend after she text him and he certainly was not acting any different. Surely there would be other indications if he had been unfaithful? I don’t need to be judged by any of you for my infidelity; I was going through a difficult period and we weren’t getting on well and I was questioning whether I wanted to be with him. I have also stopped drinking before you all tell me I have a drinking problem. That has been addressed and I’m having counselling and doing exercise. My question I guess is should I let this go? At the end of the day it was only a text, it just bugs me that it was sent at 3am (but at least that indicated that they were not together?). There was no indication that he replied. He has told me that nothing happened, I don’t think he wants to talk about it anymore as we have already discussed it. He was also cross that I checked his phone. I have only ever done it the once. He has told me that he would never be unfaithful to me. My gut feeling is that nothing happened between them and she probably ‘drunk dialled’ him. Even if something did happen, who the hell am I to complain after my behaviour, which I do feel terrible about bytheway, I have got a conscience. I really believe I don’t act like that when I am sober. So, your thoughts guys; do I need to let this go and how do I do that?Thanks for reading.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I am glad you are working through your problems and off the drink. And time will certainly tell if your honey is hiding something from you or not. Just because he is not treating you differently doesn't mean nothing is wrong. My wife cheated on me and she wasn't giving me any less sex or less gifts and cards... But I still knew something just wasn't right.
I kept my eyes OPEN.
I recommend you do the same but DO NOT badger him unless you know for a fact he lied to you about something that is important to you.
I won't judge you for cheating. I am completely against cheating and there is NO excuse for it, regardless of what your situation is or was. There's simply no excuse for it.
If someone is that unhappy, then I believe they should end the relationship, rather than do something as deceitful and hurtful as cheat.
But I am glad you are turning your life around. Not everyone can. Don't make that mistake again, and don't let it have you chasing after assumptions with him.
My advice is to use your brains and some intuition. But don't accuse him of things or he might catch on that you were up to something yourself. THAT is a BIG giveaway that someone has cheated: When you wrongly accused someone of being up to no good. Keep your eyes and ears open and your accusations SHUT.
If his exes call or text, make sure you let it be known that it's not acceptable behavior. I went through that crap and I won't go through it again. Who in hell sends a text at that kind of hour? If anyone contacts my wife at such an hour, it had better be because someone has died or is on the brink.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Hey there I'm the OP. I'm NOT going to end it but thanks anyway to those that said that. I have started to have counselling and I truly believe that I will NEVER cheat on him again, it's been ages since that happened. The consequence I feel is that I struggle to trust due to what happened.
I don't believe in karma, it's nonsense to think like that, sorry.
I WILL let this go. Thanks guys x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Hey there, thanks for your answers. Okay, I'll let it go. I'm not going to end it, it was a drunken mistake and it won't happen again, was ages ago. Thanks for feedback anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): You cheat on him,punched him,but at the same time dont trust him. It doesnt matter as such,better breaking up before it gets worse. You cannot be happy,let it go.
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A
male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 He cannot control who sends him texts. As you said, there's no indication that he texted her back or met up with her. She just was up late, possibly drunk, and texted him once. He doesn't remember it and did nothing about it. Don't punish him for someone else's action (especially such a minor action). Honestly, yes is does sound like you feel guilty about kissing other men and are trying to catch him in something similar.
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A
female
reader, lovelyeyes +, writes (21 March 2011):
I honestly think u should let it go. The reason I think u should is because its not his fault she texted him. He can't control what she did. I don't think he was expecting it from her. As long as he told u that nothing happened u shouldn't have anything to worry about. The only thing I'm worried about is a word called Karma and I do believe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe this is a warning for what u did. As long as u didn't see a text going back to her it should be ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): You don't trust him, you have cheated on him, I think you should end it.
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A
female
reader, thegraveyarddoll +, writes (21 March 2011):
i have been there before. if he said hedidnt do it, then believe him. theres no other reason for you to accuse him of anything so yes, let it go. i think that your own secrets may be making the situation much harder than it needs to be. perhaps tell him? granted he wont be happy you did it..deep inside he'll be grateful you told him. it will make him suspicious of you, but the reaction will be more benificial than you could imagine. and as for going thru his phone-we women reserve that right.
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