A
male
age
30-35,
*an-of-questions
writes:I have just come out of a rough relationship and an even rougher breakup. Recently, at a party, I hooked up with a girl who I have been close friends with since childhood. We didn't have sex but we did embark in other sexual acts on each other. Since then we've been in a sort of casual sex relationship, but without the sex.After a few months of sexual things without sex, I started asking her why we didn't have sex. She said it was because she didn't want to ruin her friendship, which I find acceptable, but also hard to understand considering she'll do everything else physical with me apart from sex itself. I have had sex with her once before and it was not awkward. In fact it was amazing and we both agreed it was something we wanted to try again. And yet she doesn't want to.I'm knew to the whole 'friends with benefits' thing, but I can't understand why she is happy to give handjobs and blowjobs to me all the time but is reluctant to have sex. Can anybody enlighten me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): So...she's not refusing sex because she's hanging on to her virginity? She's had sex with you once, enjoyed it, now refuses it? And she wants to be friends with benefits? I will probably catch a lot of flack for saying this, but to me it sounds like she's expirementing with you.
I think intercourse can make women feel particularly vulnerable...especially emotionally vulnerable. It seems she's avoiding being emotionally vulnerable with you: that's probably why she wants a FWB situation and it's probably why she draws the line at intercourse.
So why the hand jobs and blow jobs? I'm guessing she has a control issue. Those sex acts in particular can make a woman in control because the man is on the receiving end of the act. If she doesn't like to be on the receiving end of sex acts, if she refuses penetrative sex, and if she refused oral sex, then she probably does these things to you because they make her feel powerful...she can be close to you, manipulate you sexually, without getting emotionally vulnerable.
The fact that you are a childhood friend might have a lot to do with this. She might see you as an eternal friend and she might choose you because she knows you so well...you're harmless in a way. I doubt she's refusing sex because she's trying to preserve your friendship. She's refusing sex because she doesn't want to it to go beyond friendship.
I want to be clear that this is a hypothesis, I could be way off the mark and if I am feel free to correct me. Your situation just really reminds me of girls I knew who would do exactly what she's doing,the handjobs, the blow jobs, but refuse to participate in sex a more vulnerable way. They did it literally because they get a kick out of turning the guy on...or/and they liked it because it because it's generated stories they could impress their girlfriends with. These girls tended to be called "blowjob queens".
Anyway, it always ended up with the guy being wierded out by it or frustrated when the girl refused to let him participate in a more active way sexually or emotionally.
She probably doesn't realize (and you might not realize) that this sort of relationship is actually manipulative.
You probably don't want to be her training bike for when she wants a "real" relationship, do you? Ordinarily, if someone is not ready for sex, I am ready to back them and support their right to wait...but this sounds like different situation. It probably feels good, but this relationship doesn't sound healthy at all. I would ask her to accept dating you or I would break it off completely.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): i'm a virgin, and i know that i only give hand jobs and blow jobs because i am still too nervous to actually have intercourse. my boyfriend and i are both virgins, but it wouldnt be fair on each other to not do some intimate things, so we just do those kind of things for the time being.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 I think handjobs and blowjobs ARE sex. So I guess what you mean by "sex" is the actual intercourse?For many the intercourse is the closest and most personal you get. You don't have to be so revealing and vulnerable when you do other acts, but to many intercourse is at a different level. It just means more to her personally than giving handjobs and blowjobs. Women are different though. To me, receiving oral is the most intimate act, and something I will not let a casual hook-up do, or someone Im not fully 100% committed to. To this woman the intercourse is the most intimate. She doesn't feel close enough to you to share that experience with you. Perhaps one time in the past she did, but at the moment she doesn't.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 I would say because sex can start to bring on much deeper feelings and emotions in people. Maybe that's how she is and she sees that it would not do the same for you, so she is not willing to compromise her own sensitivity. It could also be some bad experiences she's had with sex. Due to bad experiences i've had with bjs, i will have sex with someone before I am very unwilling to give a bj, but more willing for other things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): Hiya, first of be careful with 'friends with benefits' because getting physically involved like that with someone naturally stirs up emotions for someone and if there's no way you guys or one of you would ever like to be something more one of you could get really hurt.
As for the no sex but slow jobs thing as a girl i can tell you that a lot of us girls when we're not ready for sex we like to opt for things like that because you can get sexual pleasure and closeness - but without doing the 'deed' because as soon as you have sex with someone it's a lot more serious and deeper to most people that giving someone a BJ or hand job.
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