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Boyfriend wants sex on demand, what about what I want?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Health, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 January 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 5 January 2018)
A female Ireland age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I love my boyfriend we been together nearly a year but he always wants sex in the morning and I just don't and if I don't have it when he wants he gets into a strop all day and just walks off and if we go out he will just walk miles in front of me like we are not together all because I didn't have sex when he wants. I feel bullied for sex and I don't want to feel like this.

am I wrong to not give sex when he wants. he wants it at night and in morning or he just gets mad. ive never experienced this with any other man ive been out with. is there something wrong with him ? please help its ruining our relationship. he says if I don't have sex it means I don't want him and he doesn't want a relationship without sex. but I do have sex with him but why should it be EVERY time he wants it. am I in the wrong ?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntSince talking to him doesn't seem to work, maybe you need to consider that the compatibility just isn't there.

A guy who ONLY thinks of getting HIS rocks off, who throws fits when you are not feeling up to sex - that's a BAD fit for you. (for any woman, really).

It's been a year, can you see yourself in this situation in 3-4-5 years with this guy? Because he isn't likely to stop his behavior.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2018):


I just think he shouldn't get nasty if I don't want sex surely that is reasonable. I mean we have sex everyday morning and night and even when im on my period he still wants sex. The other morning I wasn't feeling well and as usual he pounces on me and I said im not very well and yet again he got mad about it saying I am pushing him away.

ive tried talking to him and he seems to think I am selfish and don't love him. which doesn't make any sense at all.

Also the sex is basically only satisfying for him and I don't really get anything out of it like he does which is making matters worst. ive told him this but he doesn't really try much to pleasure me it seems all about him,

I mean would he want sex if I didn't satisfy him im sure he wouldn't bother ! I feel hes selfish what do you all think?

Is it possible to overcome this problem?

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (4 January 2018):

If you put out every time he wants sex, this is going to cause increasing resentment on your part, which will make you avoid sex even more, and enjoy it less when you do have it. If you don't put out, he will just pout and sulk more. If that doesn't kill any thought having a relationship with this guy, consider that his rude behavior is reason enough in itself. Never let yourself be bullied for sex.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (3 January 2018):

Sex has to be consensual at all times. There might be a compromise, like offering him sex at least one morning a week.

When sex becomes a bone of contention in a relationship; that is an area of incompatibility. Concluding he is just being selfish and inconsiderate is taking it too far. You both prefer something different when it comes to sex.

If you can't find a way to compromise, he has shown you that he will not be happy with you as a girlfriend. You don't just submit to someone under force or bend under pressure. You end the relationship. If not by your choice, he will.

It will most likely not workout. Time will tell.

He has his time-preferences and a strong sex-drive. You don't like what he likes; or don't want it when he wants it. When you can't compromise, you consider if the relationship can withstand this impasse.

It is likely he will decide this isn't the relationship he wants. You can't force sex on people.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think your BF have been through relationships where the sex died and he doesn't want ANOTHER relationship without sex... However, his behavior is KILLING your desire for sex with him, stone dead.

I would tell him that. While sex is a huge part of many people's relationships, it's never OWED and it shouldn't be "ON DEMAND".

In SOME religious denominations it IS the wife's DUTY to "service" the husband's needs. But 1. you two aren't married and it is 2018.

Sex is for the pleasure of BOTH parties, not just HIS.

I think if he can not accept that this is bullying behavior then YOU might have to reconsider this relationship.

There WILL be days where one partner is in the "mood" and the other is not. Sometimes that STILL leads to sex, sometimes it doesn't. But to DEMAND it? And when he doesn't get his way he acts like you have to be punished? No, not OK.

Is this a new thing with him? Has sex slowed down and this is his way of trying to "fix" that?

I think you need to tell him how it affects you. The more he thinks the relationship revolves around his penis the more likely it is that you will go completely off sex with him. Just saying.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2018):

Phil052 agony auntHe sounds like a spoilt brat who expects a woman to meet his every desire, irrespective of your own needs and desires. You will need to stand up to him and hold your ground, and if he doesn't like it, find a man who loves you and respects you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (3 January 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntYou're absolutely not in the wrong - he is for pressuring you and making you feel guilty.

If he can't compromise happily, you should leave him because it's borderline abusive. You don't owe him anything, especially not sex.

He's selfish and inconsiderate - not good traits in a boyfriend.

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom +, writes (3 January 2018):

No one should feel pressured into having sex at any time or by anyone, boyfriend or husband.

Your BF needs to learn to compromise with your needs for intimacy.

When in a relationship, if you don't sync well with your partner then it's doomed to fail because there will always be one of you that isn't satisfied or willing to compromise on the situation.

Also, just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be unhappy.

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