A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So boyfriend refriended his ex on Facebook a couple of months after unfriending her because I had asked him to. I had insecurities about her even though they broke up about two years ago. He says it was weird that he unfriended her in the first place and decided that he would refriend her again. He feels better now that that he will be able to move forward and not feel awkward about it. (They have some common friends..)He swears to me that he doesn't want to keep in touch with her and that he won't be contacting her and he will let me know if she contacts him. He told me he loves me and doesn't want it to be an issue and poison our relationship. The only reason that she is in his mind now is because I always bring her up in conversation (I know I know!!) he has been looking her up regularly enough because I had been talkin about her. :-( he never brings up his exes with me, I am always the one to do that... He promised me that he doesn't want to get back with her ever and wants to get past this bump in the relationship to be happy with me again. Do I believe him when he tells me this?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (20 June 2013):
Reason #1565 that nothing good comes from social media.
If I had a nickel for every time in the last year I heard someone complain about their SO's FB usage, Id be richer than Midas.
I have never had a FB/Twitter account, will never have one, and can say my life is all the richer without them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2013): To add to deirdre's answer, I am still friends with a few exes on Facebook. I remain friends with them not to be a creepystalkerperson, but because I cared about them and am happy to see that they are (more or less) happy. It's like, I realized I wasn't right for them, but now I'm excited to see what is. One of them (not an ex...kind of an old unconsummated college flame), I do still have a crushlet on. He is also, incidentally, in my top three closest friends. However, the depth of our friendship (including helping me through lots of stuff with my boyfriend) has outstripped any attraction that was once there. It's affectionate, no doubt, because you've gone from insecure, hurting teenagerhood with that person and feel protective of and connected to them. With my friend, I clearly realize that I am not sexually attracted to him and that we would not be a good match for each other for this reason and the other. Thus, crushlet or not, he poses no threat to my boyfriend. No more, no less. Feeling cut off from people that I had a connection with doesn't strengthen my relationship. I would feel that my relationship suffered because of this, because it would be less of my own free will and more externally controlled.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2013):
 I have to agree to some extent with YouWish, I do not see a need to be friends with my ex partners and those I was not married to, I have NO contact with.
IN fact, the second husband I have no contact with at all and have no clue where he is or what he is doing and I do not care.
My first husband and I talk rarely but we have two children together and will always be tied because of that.
I may be friends with my ex on facebook but we are not friends in real life and rarely have contact any more. I do not look at his page or send him messages and if I never spoke to him again I'd be just fine with that.
IF you do not want him to be friends with an ex and have told him this and he disregards your needs over his wants, then that's an issue.
To be honest if my current husband said "NO CONTACT with your most recent ex" I would respect that because it's a need he has. Thankfully he's not so insecure, to ask this of me, but then I am very open and above board with him about any contact I have with anyone. To the point that I have gone home after work and said to him "in the spirit of honesty you should know I was texting with B today" and then I offer him my phone to read the texts. Usually it's about my former step daughter or the dog we had together that he as custody of. It's never about missing each other or wanting to revisit the past.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (17 June 2013):
my opinion is much the same as YpuWish, I dont see why they would still be friends on facebook if they have really moved on. my thoughts would be ''why, are they going to look at each others pages & why would you even want to do that with an ex?''
this sentence by YouWish says it all: I don't buy his excuse that he's looking her up and friending her because you bring her up all the time.
I know some people might think it is controlling but you do have a right to have some input about whether he has his ex in his life or not.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 June 2013):
 My opinion differs some from my respected colleagues here.
I believe that exes and romantic interests should be disqualified from continuing contact.
He shouldn't friend his ex UNLESS you are okay with it. If you're not okay with it, he shouldn't have her on there. Exes mean baggage.
I don't buy his excuse that he's looking her up and friending her because you bring her up all the time.
However, speaking of baggage, your insecurities are YOUR baggage, and he is not here to constantly reassure you. That's too much strain on any relationship. Why did you continue to bring her up even after he unfriended her? I would accept that he re-friended her as a reaction to feeling like you "run" him. Guys don't like the feeling of being hen-pecked or emasculated or ordered around by women.
You should leave her be for now. Let him "win" this one. Go against your nature and extend trust to him. Do NOT go snooping all over his stuff. If he brings up his ex and Facebook, simply say "I would feel more comfortable if you had no contact with her. However, I trust you". And leave it at that.
It'll be a good exercise in confidence for you, and it will raise his respect level for you.
Now, if he's messaging her regularly, texting with her, calling her, or wanting to go out for coffee, that's a different issue. But if she's merely a passive presence on his Facebook, this may actually be a chance for you to shed the insecurity. You choose, every day, to not allow it to affect you. It'll be a daily choice. At first, maybe an hourly one.
To give you a cheat sheet on this one, remember, you're in the driver's seat. Let's say your worst fear is realized, and he starts messing with her. What's the worst that can happen? You can drop him like a bad habit, right? Relationships are an "at will" institution. He cheats, you leave. You cheat, he leaves. Worrying about his cheating is useless and pointless. Living in fear is likewise a pointless exercise. You must never fear being alone. You must never allow yourself to become desperate for anyone, ever.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 June 2013):
 you have some insecurity issues, sweetheart. you should never ask your boyfriend to not be friends with someone. that's unfair. you are his girlfriend, not his owner. you can't control who he has in his life. rather, you have to accept it and give him his freedom. as long as he doesn't give you a reason to worry, there should be no problem.
if i were you, i'd stop bringing up his exes and stop giving him a hard time about this girl. it makes for an unhealthy relationship and it's only going to drive him away. i would only deal with someone for about half a second who constantly told me who i could and could not be friends with.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (17 June 2013):
 It isn't that weird to be friends on Facebook with an ex. If they are ok with each other and there are no lingering feelings or anger I think it's fine. Why did you think it was I to ask him to unfriend her? Did he do something specific, was she trying to come between the two of you? Or was it just, as I suspect after reading your post, that you were jealous and insecure? You need to address that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Yes, you believe him, and then you jettison this insecurity and neediness bullshit, because THAT is what will cause the guy to look at other women. Not his ex. Get therapy if necessary; I know that insecurity is much more than skin deep. That's what I'm doing, and it is paying dividends big time. You do not own him. Why on earth would you ASK him to unfriend his ex on Facebook? I'm sorry, but that is just wrong. You are not walking a dog on a leash, you are being PERMITTED to share your life with another HUMAN BEING. As soon as you assume that you have the monopoly on whom he speaks with, what he thinks about, etc. etc. you've lost him. He was right to re-friend her; it probably wasn't because he was super excited about her, but he has his own life and his own friends and interests, and probably didn't want to feel like he was being controlled. Good for him. My advice, as a woman in your age group who was also prone to neediness and insecurity, and nearly had it blow up in her face, is BACK OFF. Live your life. Enjoy it. Invite him into your world of fun and play, and invite him to share his thoughts and feelings with you without being judgmental. Yes, this may include a slight crush on someone else or lingering feelings for his ex. This is natural. This is actually good, because sharing everything with you means that you are his best friend on this earth, and it will actually increase his desire for you. Allowing him to be himself and express all his emotions, and not pouting or judging him for them, will honestly be the thing that gets you where you want to be. The tighter you try to clutch, the more the grains of sand will slip through your fingers.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2013):
do you have any reason other than your own insecurity to doubt him?
I'm friends with my ex partners (husbands) on facebook
does not mean I want them back as partners....
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