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Boyfriend is sexting other women!

Tagged as: Cheating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 November 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 16 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *7484 writes:

I've been in a 2 year relationship. We broke up last June because he had been sexting a Married Woman. Yes, I checked his phone (1st time) and I found the texts. I broke up with him. He claimed that he had done Nothing wrong because it was only texting, and he hadn't slept with her.

3 months later, I forgave him and we got back together. Due to financial limitations, he moved 2-hrs away to West Virginia (WV) temporarily till the Spring. However, he came to see twice a week. We would spend 2 days together during each visit, he would cook dinner (something that he never did before our break up), and treated me well. I've never been So Happy.

Two weeks ago, he got really sicked. He has Type 1 Diabetes, was throwing up for 2 days, and was having Short-Term Memory Loss. I took the day off from work and drove to WV to take care of him. He was so sick that he would have died if I hadn't showed up. He couldn't even stand up.

When I got to WV, he kept getting text messages. I checked his phone, and after reading all the texts I realized that he had been flirting with another woman. They used terms like "honey", "baby", etc. I was very upset, but I didn't say anything because of the short-term memory loss. I brought him back to my apartment, where I took care of him for 4 days. At the 4th day, I checked his phone again, and found out that He had ended whatever they had. From the texts, I discovered that the woman brought him soup to his old house, but he never told her that he moved. So, I'm assuming that it wasn't anything serious. I confronted him about the texts and asked who she was. He said that she meant Nothing to him, and that he loved me.

Two days later, he came back to visit me. We had a wonderful time. It was our anniversary. In the morning, I checked his phone and I discovered that he was sexting ANOTHER woman and was still communicating with the Married Woman. I confronted him. He said that they meant Nothing to him and that it wasn't cheating bc it was only texts. He promised not to do it again. I love him, so I forgave him.

Yesterday, he came to my apartment. I checked him phone. He had exchanged XXX pictures with Someone Else (an old co-worker). He said that they slept together 5 years ago, but he wasn't romantically interested. I suspect that they slept together last year even though he keeps saying that they didn't. I was devastated, and kicked him out of my home. He is still saying that he didn't do ANYTHING wrong because it's only texting, that he didn't Cheat, and has no interest in doing it. I still love him, and I was very happy in the relationship before finding out all this. I don't understand why he continues to do this.

Please help me. Should I forgive him?

View related questions: anniversary, broke up, co-worker, flirt, got back together, married woman, text

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A female reader, MsVick United States +, writes (16 November 2010):

MsVick agony auntHe is addicted to the online sex thing, some people just can't seem to live without it. Its like cheating only without the exchange of body fluids. They get a rush from it. He WILL continue to do this, it is an addiction so you have to decide whether you want to deal with it or not. Frankly I wouldnt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

if you want a relationship with this man you have to put a blind eye, yep they mean nothing to him because he has you, but he wants to play with them too.

Leave now if that is not what you want.

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A female reader, d7484 United States +, writes (12 November 2010):

d7484 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

d7484 agony auntThank you everyone for your honest advice. I really appreciate it. You have helped me see the situation for what it is.

I've decided to move on with my life. Yes, I deserve much better. I was always there for him when he needed me, so it was hard for me to accept that I didn't mean much to him. You're right. He knew that I was hurting and he didn't give a damn.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2010):

I agree with the other posts. He should know its not okay because kast time it caused you to break up. Likely more has been going on with these wimen then you know about.

If you are crazy enough to give him another chance then set your groundrules...eg sexting is cheating and tell him one strike and hes out.

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A female reader, angelbaby92 United States +, writes (12 November 2010):

No you've given him enough chances. it doesn't matter if they don't mean anything to him. you've let him know how iit hurts yu and he continues to do it. you need to just let him go he obviously doesn't care that much

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010):

You left him once for that specific reason and you got back together 3 months later, that boyfriend of yours should have learned a lesson and never dared sexting any other woman! he's still doing it and not only he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong but he also ignored the fact that u dumped him for that reason! u dumped him once sweety, time to do it again and for good! cause it seems that your guy feeds on attention and yours is definitely not enough for him!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 November 2010):

Honeypie agony auntLet me put it this way.....

IF you forgive and take him back, he WILL continue what he is doing since he is thinking he is NOT doing anything "wrong".

Run honey, run like frigging Forrest Gump! Let someone else take care of his cheating ass.

And YES, I consider Sexting = emotional cheating.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (11 November 2010):

aunt honesty agony auntNo dont forgive him. He doesnt see that he is doing anything wrong therefore he is going to keep doing it. Off course it is wrong what he is doing, it IS cheating maybe not physically but he is still sending out messages to other women that he wants them and sending and recieving pictures just took it over bored. What concerns me is that one of these women knew were he used to live, so it sounds to me like he very well could have cheated on you, he is not to be trusted hun, if he really loved you he would have learned his lesson the first time you finished with him, when you took him back he wouldve been thankful for the second chance and he would never dream of texting another woman again, i think you no that you need to move on from him, because he is only going to keep hurting you darling you deserve so much better, however if you really dont want to give up on him them maybe suggest that he goes and sees a therapist to see why he sends these texts or maybe couple therapy would help the both of you, but if you want my honest opinion get out now while you can and be thankful that you found out this stuff now and not years down the line. Goodluck.

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A female reader, Viv Acious United Kingdom +, writes (11 November 2010):

Hello. My brief answer is that you should leave him. He is not going to change.

Infidelity can be desscribed as any physical or emotional intimacy that betrays the trust of a partner. Sending and receiving texts of a sexual nature would come under an emotionally intimate act which betrays a partner's trust.

If he is convinced that it only counts if it is physical and you are convinced texts count - you have a problem, don't you? He doesn't see it as a problem and he clearly doesn't give a damn about how it is upsetting you.

You two are not going to agree on this one and what a little worm. You can do so much better than him.

Best of luck to you. xx

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010):

Cheating is cheating whether it's in person, online, or via texts. Think of it this way, if he has no qualms about doing it now, how will he be in a few years time? ESPECIALLY if you tolerate it. If you tolerate it, he'll just tell you what you want to hear in order to make you happy for the time being... then get back to it again sometime down the road.

Sorry. :\

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