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Boyfriend found out I cheated while messed up and ended things. Will I ever be able to make him forgive me?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 6 October 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together three years and we got engaged last year. We then went through a rocky patch, but then things were great again. Until two nights ago when I ruined everything. I was at a rave, and was off my face and took a pill. It was crazy. Everyone started making out with each other, and I ended up making out with a random guy. I wont try to make daft excuses, I just dont know why I did it. I wont blame it on drugs or alcohol either. I dont usually go to things like this and I dont usually drink or do drugs. I am really surprised at myself for this too. Anyhow, I woke up in a field beside the rave, and felt abysmal. My friends told me not to tell her what happened as they said it wasnt fair to hurt him just to rid myself of guilt, as it was totally out of charachter and I will never do anything like it again. But, someone told him. I dont know who and it doesnt matter, but he says its over. He doesnt want to talk to me. He keeps rejecting my calls. I just want to talk to him. Do you guys think I could ever be forgiven, or should I accept I have blew it forever? How can I get him to see it was a stupid mistake?

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A female reader, Lana102 Australia +, writes (6 October 2015):

Life is about the choices we make. You chose to drink, you chose to take drugs you chose to go with him in a field of all places. I want you to stop and think about it rationally. Of course your'e done. Just let him go and move on. He's clearly a good person so let him go and find a good woman. he deserves that at very least.

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A female reader, Anonny United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2015):

You say you don't blame the alcohol or drugs for this & your boyfriend probably thinks the same.

I'm afraid a betrayal is betrayal. I have been to many night outs & parties where the alcohol has been flowing - but I have still always known what I'm doing - so unless you were totally off your face from the drugs and have no recollection of it at all - I guess you have to take some responsibility for your actions.

As for forgiveness - some men are very proud & stubborn and unfortunately forgiveness does not come easy for them. I have fallen out with a few people along the way throughout my life - but it was always the men who were harder to make amends with rather than women.

I'm sure your man will come round - especially if you were engaged - but you just have to be patient & give it time. And if he doesn't - well put this down to a mistake that mustn't be repeated in future.

Good luck!

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (1 September 2015):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntPlace a higher value on yourself and steer away from these decisions. He may forgive but will need a lot of time.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

YouWish agony auntLike others have said - you may not feel like it, but it could have been a whole lot worse. You could have died of alcohol poisoning or drug overdose, or been robbed, raped, impregnated, or contracted an STI.

If you were in his position, and a friend told you that they saw him making out with another woman at a rave, you would have been devastated and angry and ready to end things as well, especially if the two of you had already had your difficulties.

As for this guy, consider this a heartbreaking price of the consequences of your actions, and a lesson that money could never buy you. Your friends steered you wrong in telling you to cover it up. In any relationship, honesty is the best policy, and coming to him on your terms and coming clean about what had happened would have given you more of a chance then him catching you at it. Then it's too late.

I wonder if the person who told you not to tell was the one who told HIM. I've seen that happen before in friends who want to steal others' guys.

He's rejecting your calls, so let him go. Don't take random pills at parties. Like I said - you could have been raped or killed. Giving people pills or slipping them into their drinks was how Jeffrey Dahmer was about to rack up his kills and rapes.

Look forward to being much better with your next boyfriend. You were with your ex for 3 years? I wonder if subconsciously, you were trying to sabotage the relationship all along by putting yourself in that position to begin with. You said that "everybody was making out with everyone else", right? Something tells me that if everyone started killing puppies, you wouldn't have found yourself going along with it. The seed was there, and you need to take responsibility for it. The sooner you throw out the notion that "it just happened", the sooner that you'll find yourself a little more mature and wiser because of the painful lesson.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

This is a learning experience on many levels, and in many areas. The abuse of drugs, placing yourself in situations where you lose self-control, and not placing enough value on your relationship to always be cognizant of how much he loves you. You have to have an automatic safety-valve that tells you when you're out of control. You're irresponsible; because anyone could have taken advantage of you; and endangered your health, if not our life. You could have poisoned yourself, or drowned in your own vomit.

One of your resentful friends just couldn't wait to tell him; but in a way, they were more than right to do so.

Yes, drugs and alcohol ARE very much to blame. You woke up in a field! That's because you were out of your mind under the influence of substances. Not because you're a bad person. So you still have to forgive yourself; before you worry so much about his forgiveness. He may take too long to do that, and you still have to move on with your life. You messed up...big time!!! He was your fiance'; not just a boyfriend. So why you'd attend a rave of all things, leaves a lot of unanswered questions? They aren't for people engaged to be married; they're for the care-free and unattached. Just a wild orgy of drugs, alcohol, and music.

He is right to go no contact; because he is in a painful state. You will only plead a case that will hurt both of you all the more. So it's better for you, he has time to cool off and to think. Get any notion of reconciliation out of your head; because the odds are totally against that ever happening. If it ever did happen, it would either be plagued with suspicion and distrust; or he'll carry a lot of internalized resentment. Real forgiveness takes time.

A lot of time. A long time.

Self-forgiveness often takes a long time too, but that's where you have to start. You're human, and will make some pretty substantial mistakes over a course of a life-time.

That's how we gain experience, and learn how to value others we love. To lose someone will teach you how important it is to do all you can to behave; in order to preserve something you've worked hard to build. To realize how much you can hurt another person is very important to know; because it will teach you empathy and respect. You have to feel it yourself to know. The loss and the grief will make an indelible mark in your memory. Loss is painful, and loss through irresponsibility should be. It creates wisdom and serves as a reminder.

So this is a lesson; but it is not meant to destroy you.

It is meant to help you grow as a woman, a person, and to prepare you for when you really are mature enough and ready to be a wife. You subconsciously sabotaged the relationship; because you know deep within your heart, you're too young and not really ready for the responsibility and restrictions of marriage.

You still have a lot of life to live, many things to learn and experience; and you need to develop yourself in more positive ways. He may never forgive to the extent that you may want him to; so prepare to heal and work on yourself.

Other people may try and convict you, and sentence you to

life-imprisonment through your guilt. You can't punish yourself indefinitely to prove anything; you have to find redemption through self-improvement. You can offer him a heart-felt apology through a hand-written letter. It must be short and sincere. Not a long rant soaked with tears. He will likely never read it, or tear it up. You will have expressed your feelings on paper, and that's a good start toward forgiveness for the both of you. Keep it short, and to the point. Then leave him alone. Offer no excuses, don't beg. Reach deep inside to find the words. Write it over and over until it comes out right. He doesn't need you pouring salt on his wounds, by constantly trying to break his no contact period. Teach yourself to accept this as the end, but not to feel you'll never make it up to him. You will by changing; and being the best you can be for the next love you find. You will find love again. Everyone makes bad mistakes. Everyone. However; not everyone breaks a heart.

That's avoidable. But, it is what it is.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

Honeypie agony auntYou might see it as a stupid mistake, he sees it as betrayal. BIG difference there.

I really think the ONLY thing you CAN do is respect is wish not to talk to him and leave him alone. If he is able to forgive you at some point THAT will be up to him. YOU can't "make" him want to do it.

You should have been honest with him.

Going to a rave doesn't HAVE to involve taking drugs and getting drunk off your hiney.

Maybe it's NOT just that you cheated he is resenting, but doing drugs AND cheating.

You did what you did, and now.. you have to live with the consequences.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

Garbo agony auntForgiveness is a personal thing, meaning he may forgive you or he may not, and there is nothing that you could do to make him. In fact, the more you insist on it, the more he may reject you.

And rightly so, because what you did maybe a "stupid" mistake for you but, evidently, as you can see, it is not so stupid to the person whom you have victimized - your fiancé.

More importantly, infidelity is first and foremost a violation of oneself because you violated your own vowels of fidelity to another man. So it is very disconcerting when you refer to this violation of self a "stupid" mistake. It wasn't stupid because you knew about it when you did it, and you did it then tried to cover it up.

Anyway, back to your ex-guy: whatever he decides to do (forgive or not) will be a decision that he will make and such decision will be a correct one for him. It absolutely does not matter whether I would forgive or whether, as you insist, that you should be forgiven on account of "stupid"... So, regrettably, there is nothing that you could do to influence him.

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A male reader, Roboaxe United States +, writes (1 September 2015):

Roboaxe agony auntWhen I was your age I was in that same situation as your boyfriend.

My then gf cheated on me with a coworker of hers a week before I returned from visiting my family. She said she got really drunk and regretted it immensely and would never do it again.

I ignored her calls as well, and finally did talk to her and said we could try again. Unfortunately, it was never the same. I found myself thinking of her having sex with that other guy. I never was able to trust her again and after 2 months broke it off.

I'd like to be able to tell you that you can get him to see it was a stupid mistake, but the truth is that the trust between you has been damaged, perhaps beyond repair.

Your friends were right by the way. If it ever happens again do not tell him. When my ex told me she cheated on me, I felt the worst pain in my heart I've ever felt in my entire life, I was left without being able to eat properly for a couple days too.

You can attempt to patch things up, just know it will never be the same, and he is probably going to end up breaking it off. At least that's how it turned out in my life.

There are more guys out there. And make sure to never ever take those pills at a rave

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