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No one will take me serious when I say I don't want sex or partying?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 August 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 1 September 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

My siblings and I grew up in a house where my parents made it their goal to make sure that we a) graduate HS b) while not experimenting with drugs, alcohol, or sex. They let us listen to most the music we wanted to and read most the books we wanted to, but it was really limited and they weren't above responding to, "where's the book I checked out the library" with "I'm reading it." (That meant we had to wait until that parent was ready to give it back. Sometimes, they never were and in that case they just returned it to the library for us. They requested (from us) a print-out of monthly books to make sure they approved. It was VERY rare when they did that to us with books or music). TV shows and video games etc. were very limited time-wise (half hour a day) and they were more likely to shut something down with those b/c of sex or violence (they didn't want us desensitized). Same with phones (no "private" conversations, no texting), and when we had friends over (VERY rare, as when there were guests, EVERYONE was expected to host/share everything) we had to be in-sight (there was no going for a walk) and EVERYONE had to be included if they asked. No exceptions. There were absolutely NO overnights unless they were family. NOONE was allowed to date unless it was public group dates. We hardly got grounded (it felt like we always were, lol) and we only got our butt beat if we did something destructive or dangerous. I nother words, they were real strict but they just didn't want us to get hurt and they didn't was us in situations where we could get hurt (that's why they wanted friends/conversation to be for everyone to see/hear and they wanted us to feel freaked out when there was too much talk about sex or drugs - so we'd stay away from it). I resented it for a long time because it made me look stupid and I got made fun of (so did half my siblings) and I was scared ppl would take advantage when I went to college. I know now my parents' point was so we wouldn't associate with people who knew those things. Like they didn't want us learning about birth control (like other people have wrote on here) because they decided we didn't need it. They weren't trying to be mean

Well, I think I got myself took advantage of a few times bc when I got to college I wanted to reinvent myself where n one knew how my parents were and I was curious about things. I knew ppl who smoked weed and drank some and still did good in school and didn't get in trouble and I wanted to see what it was like. So I lied and said I'd drank and smoked before so people would invite me. Obviously I didn't know anyone who smoked weed or was 21 (I'm talking about when I was 18) who wouldn't tell on me for asking. So I listened to ppl and b asically since they were already in a group of friends, they felt like I was butting in. I had a real hard time making friends bc I really didn't know how. I couldn't join a special-interest group bc the only ones I was familiar with were TOTALLY against stuff like that and the other groups (like Majikal Life and LGBTQ and things) didn't like ppl who didn't know anything or who didn't want to be all in-your-face about who they were. So I never fit in.

But I finally had some ppl who let me drink/smoke with them and I'm sure they figured later I'd lied about my experiences but it was the ONLY way I could get invited bc no one wants to do that with someone who hasn't done it before (I knew that much). Well, it ended up I'm not good at it bc drinking isn't fun for me and with weed, I'm too obvious when I'm stoned and everyone just hates me. So I'm done with that but it's like, they shun me but the ppl who don't do drugs or drink really don't want to be around me unless I go to church.

Same happened with sex. I was scared to wait till marriage bc I was afraid I wouldn't like it and I'd be stuck. So I said I did more than I really had and just learned by listening to what people said they did to say I did it but it was probably obvious later I was lying. I didn't want to come off inexperienced. But now, since I've done it, the first guy would NOT let me break up with him or at least stop having sex. Especially didn't want me to not give him oral. I HATE BOTH! I broke up with him, but he made it clear I was not welcome at his frat house anymore and that meant I couldn't hand out with my friends since they were always there. But that means that other frat brothers (who I thought were being nice) basically come over and ONLY want sex so I'm not even in control in my own apartment - it's like no place is comfortable or safe for me. My friends/roomates still invite people over and party but they get mad when I'm not using but basically make me feel so uncomfortable I feel like I have to leave or stay in my room.

Every guy I try to date after that WILL NOT want to hear I don't want sex b/c I've had it before and they think I just haven't had the right person. I've been with four people and I feel worse and worse and the longest anyone let me stay single was a month or so. Like, as soon as I start to relax and start talking to people again, it starts all over and it takes that long to get out of the relationship and I'm basically "making more enemies" I'm miserable!

How does this happen, how comes no one (even female friends) take me serious when I say I don't want to do those things? there is this church group that wants to be friends with me, but I can't hang with them bc they're the type that would TOTALLY tell on people for partying and stuff. And they wouldn't want anything to do with me bc of my situation (this one girl they told me about that's in their church, they said to stay away from bc she had a baby she gave up for adoption). So I'm stuck unlss I move back home

What do I do? Is it possible for a person who's already had sex to say they're not ready even if they're not religious? What does a girl have to do to be taken seriously?

View related questions: broke up, drugs, my ex, text, video games, violent

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A female reader, LittleRedd United States +, writes (1 September 2015):

LittleRedd agony auntI'm not sure where to begin here, but ... despite whether or not you've posted before, I think you (or all of you) want reassurance that it's OK to be yourself. I realize that growing up in an over-the-top strict (or just very strict) and sheltered environment makes it hard for a person to know how to live any differently. I know that if you had no friends to take you under your wing (in the environments different from the one you were raised in), you were easy to take advantage of. All I know is this: You feel trapped.

It seems you want reassurance that yes, you can say no to sex after you've already had it. It is harder, though, to get "no sex" respected unless you're a) in a religious environment where others feel the same way or b) if you've never done it before and just don't want to. It's even worse for you if you've already done it!

I guess I would just say that it would help to think of it as an addiction: if you are addicted to drugs/alcohol/etc., you are usually advised to stay away from people, places, things that tend to lead to those things. In your case, unwanted sex or parties. I guess that DOES mean staying in public, making sure that someone has your #, location, and plans in case something happens, and making sure that you know how to get OUT of what you're getting into.

When you do make plans, stick to the original plan and if someone tries to change that, bow out. "Wait Sheri, we made plans to go to the zoo. I didn't mind stopping for cigarettes but I really don't want to stand around waiting for Bart. I'm going to just go ahead and take the bus. I'll meet you there." If she tries to protest, simply tell her you'll meet here there and point out that she has your #. If she tries to guilt you by telling you she needs/wants you there or acts like you're a "bad friend" because you don't stay with her, ask if she feels unsafe. If so, she probably is putting YOU potentially in that position.

You can apply that to partying by asking point-blank if there will be alcohol/drugs somewhere. You can make it a point of meeting people (place) instead of having them drive you (especially men). You can say to whoever invited you that if you are uncomfortable, you're leaving. You can make it a point to ONLY stay (wherever) until the buses stop running (if you don't have a car) and insisting on taking your own car. Make it clear that YOU are leaving if you feel uncomfortable so either people need to ride home with you or arrange their own rides. That's not selfish, it's not leaving people stranded. In fact, if my driver said that to me, I'd assume I'd be going home early too!

I think I've exhausted advice here, and it is the same as that I've given other posters with similar problems.

1. Know what you're getting into

2. Know that that "uncomfortable feeling" means you need to get out

3. Know how to get out and don't feel guilty about leaving

4. Have a "Plan B". That means that if you find yourself in a situation that your escape plan doesn't work, know where the nearest open business is, call from there, and wait on a ride.

AS FOR SEX

1. Be upfront about female friends who tend to encourage you to have a boyfriend, tell them "I'm not ready, I like being single, please stop trying to 'help' because I'll just turn him down"

2. Be up front with the guys themselves, "Jess and Daria are always trying to set me up with people and in case that's what they're doing, I want to let you know up front that I'm not looking"

3. Guy asks to exchange numbers after chit-chatting? Tell him the same

4. Stay in public view! If the guy touches you more than you'd touch a girl or male relative, back out of arms length

5. When people talk about sex, either change the subject, tell them you have nothing to say on it, or simply leave. Eventually they'll get the message

If you feel you don't have that support, you really need to check the friends you hang with. NO ONE should protest when someone is uncomfortable in a situation. No one should complain when someone states they don't want to talk about something.

If you lose friends over that ... good! They're not your friends anyway.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI see Cindy and I are on the same page. I had the same deja vu feeling about this post.

Of course you can say no to sex, no to drug and no to partying. It's a choice.

People can't "MAKE" you date guy and then have to have sex - it's a choice. Saying I'm not up for dating anyone at the moment and quite happy being single, is pretty simple.

You had NO problem doing what you were told at home so sticking to your guns shouldn't be so hard.

Being YOUR OWN person is something you have to learn, sometimes by making mistakes (such as succumb to peer pressure) but still finding your way.

You know you don't want sex, drugs or drinking - so that leaves you with what you DO want to do. And THAT you have to find out on your own.

Now if there is a REAL question in here.. Let it out :)

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States +, writes (1 September 2015):

dougbcoll agony aunt "what do i do? is it possible for a person who already had sex to say they are not ready?"

you need to stand your ground with these guys .

if you give in they got what they want, and it is going to leave you feeling used. they are after one thing, and they want a girl that is easy. have self respect , be hard to get. anything valued does not come easy. yes it is possible to not give in, you need to let them know you don't want sex, tell them you are wanting more in a relationship than just sex. you will weed out some guys doing that.

to be taken seriously you will have to stand your ground. when a guy wants you for who you are, not there for just sex , he will be there. he will see value in you . he will be there for you.

you may need to find new people to be around, sounds like the crowd you are around is dragging you down. maybe find a church, different location of meeting people.

hold your head up high , you don't have to give in. keep your values, for yourself, and someone that values you.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (1 September 2015):

CindyCares agony aunt OP, I am curious, what's the real ossue , and the real story ?

If it is something that you are not comfortable with having debated in public, you can always PM any of the Aunts.

You see, ... I have that kind of weird memory that may forget important stuff but it's uncannily accurate about irrelevant minor things ,lol, so... it may be a very weird coincidence , but I doubt it : this is the 4th time at least in few months that we have the same story, with slight variations, posted by ( supposedly ) different posters.

Details may vary a bit , - like the strict parents are once some sort of crazy religious fanatics or, like this time, just a bit old fashioned. But the writing style and mannerisms are the same, and the main elements too are always : strict, rigid, coercitive upbringing by overbearing parents, with consequent lack of socializarion and of life experience, and predictable difficulties in making friends- feeling part of a group -starting a sex life.

Then the girl goes to college and punctually shit happens. Once it's the elders of her church that , for keeping an eye on her, follow her around , threaten her , make impromptu visits at her home and wrecking for her any chance of fun and games . Once out of sheer naivety and misinformation she gets pregnant and has to go back home, where her parents sort of force her to keep the babay and condemn her to a life of virtual imprisonment, with no friendships or entertainments allowed. This time, the girls feels sort of forced to a life of undesired blow jobs and social isolation, which is sad too.

Now, I really would bet my front teeth, because of the similarity not only in the situations but in the wording and style of the posts,that it's always the same poster- but my point is not telling you " Gotcha ! You got busted " !

Au contraire. For some reason, I don't feel this is just an empty creative writing exercise, or at least not only that. Where I live we say " A tongue always hits against the decayed tooth " , and it feels to me like there are some triggers, or key concepts ( parental abuse, being deprived of freedom, feeling forced to have sex to gain social acceptance )... which always resurface and clearly evoke poerful, painful, awkward emotions. I wish I could believe you are a young wannabe novelist and just roll my eyes , but, somehow , I can't. I think that there is a problem, and that you are struggling with something, and that you need guidance and support and sound advice, because of something negative that is going on around you , but, if you DO want real advice, please enable us to see what is ACTUALLY bothering you. Help is available if you need it, but people will need to know what you need to be helped with, beyond the filters of your imagination.

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A male reader, TrancedRhythmEar Saudi Arabia +, writes (1 September 2015):

TrancedRhythmEar agony auntGreat post. You have a genuine concern.

The american culture generally is very pressureful. What to wear eat look like.. and be like. You have the right idea in surrounding yourself with people like you but in your eyes you have not found any.

Dont let your confidence or self esteem blunder here continue to develop yourself. Read. Workout. Get a set of hobbies and youll forget about people.

When I was in college in the us id constantly turn down friday 'happy hours' and bar hoppings in the week to lift.

The years of finding myself and dedicating to developing my own person, mentally and physically, has paid off significantly.

Do not succumb to fitting in. you will regret it as if this post is evidence you know who you truly are and want social acceptance. Stop looking for it.

People will judge no matter what.

Create your own environment first and sooner or later youll find others who will want to join you. Good luck.

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A female reader, malvern United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2015):

malvern agony auntYou have been raised quite strictly by your parents in a way that many of us from older generations were raised. There's nothing wrong with that, and I'm sure you are a better person for it. Sadly the world is going crazy and attitudes towards sex, drugs etc. have changed. Everybody seems to expect everything 'instantly', and this includes sex.

You must stick to what you feel is best for yourself regardless of what everybody else is doing. In a few years time you will be glad of it. Yes it is possible for a girl who's already had sex to say she's not ready for it, even is she's not religious.

The young men you meet seem to expect to jump into bed with you instantly, and that's not good. Do not feel forced into having sex, you will only regret it. One day you will meet a young man who is worthy of you, and you will be thankful that you don't have an endless list of previous lovers to your name.

Life moves on pretty quickly, and eventually all these friends will move on too, so what does it matter what they think right now? You just carry on with your life doing what YOU want to do and don't let others opinions influence you.

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