A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HelloI'm a male virgin who's never even kissed a girl nor have I been on a date or had a girlfriend. I'm not particularly good looking and I'm very socially awkward.I figure having no clue about the opposite sex would be a massive turn off. Since women would want a guy who knows what he's doing, and isn't an awkward nerd; should I just pay for my first time?I don't necessarily support prostitution but I don't think I have that many options. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 November 2015):
To the original poster, I would like to share a story with you. Years ago, I answered a question from a 44 year-old man on this site who was a virgin and considering paying an escort. Some months later he was back. He had done it, had failed to maintain an erection and was far more troubled than he was before and unfortunately seemed to think that going back to the escorts was the way to make things better. He was still painfully shy, even more anxious and even less ready for a meaningful relationship. Your virginity is not the problem. The problem is that you have accepted sweeping generalisations about women want and what kind of man they like, and you’ve decided that you’re not it. Many of the ladies have responded that inexperience would be much less of an issue for them than being with a man who paid for prostitutes. I can say with confidence that my female friends would agree with this. They’re telling you the truth. Even if you did pay a prostitute, you would still be inexperienced anyway because half the key to good sex is technique, and the other half is emotional intimacy. Okay, you can have sex and cease being a virgin, but your first relationship will still be a venture in to the unknown for you.
I think the problem is that a lot of young men and women see losing their virginity as some kind of accomplishment: you must have lost it by a certain age and if you haven’t, there’s a problem. The truth is that people lose it at different ages because people think differently about sex. Some people won’t consider sex until marriage. Others can’t even consider sex unless it’s within a relationship with some-one they trust completely, either because they don’t want to have sex for the sake of it, or because the idea of sex makes them vulnerable, so they need to trust that they can make themselves vulnerable before that person. It stands to reason that such people will have fewer partners and will probably lose their virginity later. I think you’re probably one of these. The right girl for you will be the one who puts you at ease and gives you lots of reassurance to help you gradually open up. A man who’s willing to wait and to take things slowly is what many women want. You’re the right kind of guy for some-one.
So I believe that you need to see your virginity not as a thing to keep or get rid of for its own sake, but something that simply exists because of your current relationship circumstances. That will allow you not to be bogged down with a time limit to losing it. I also think that you need to work on your confidence with women in the first instance and the key to that is to realise that people are people, at the end of the day. If you met a girl who shared some of your interests, would you still have difficulty talking to her? The trick is not to see people as similar or very different on the basis of their sex but the kind of person they are. Do you not think there are nerdy, socially awkward girls out there too? I think if you can relax, take the pressure off and just focus on making conversation and getting to know people, you’ll feel a lot better about yourself and be ready for the right girl when she comes. Virgin or not, there’s a lot you can do to get yourself relationship-ready, as it were. That means being confident around women, able to get on with them and show them who you are. It can be done: take it from a 26 year-old virgin like me.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 November 2015):
Anon, you did not add valuable information that would help the OP decide which course of action to take, which is the entire point when you're replying to a question like this.
All you did was use this question as a platform to present your own views on women and prostitution. Whether your views are valid or whether the situation as it is today is fair does not matter, because it's not going to help the OP solve his problem, and his problem is that his anxiety and social awkwardness have made him hold off on relationships and sex.
The main consensus here is that going to a prostitute is not going to solve his problem. He may not be a virgin afterwards, but he'll still have his issues and he still won't know much about sex. He also still won't have much of a sexual past, so when asked about it, the truth: having gone to a prostitute because he felt that was the only way he was going to lose his virginity, does not present a pretty picture.
It presents a desperate picture. Plus he could have gotten a whole shebang of STI's from it.
Is it fair of a woman to judge him from going to a prostitute for his first time? I'm not the one to answer that but the truth is the answer does not matter. There is a chance he will get judged for it, and your feelings on the matter won't change a damn thing about that possibility. Why encourage him to turn his completely clean sexual history into something he could be judged for if doing so does not offer considerable benefits for him? His virginity is not the real problem here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 November 2015):
While I could continue debate you on this - this is not the appropriate thread to do it - do you not agree?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): @ Honeypie:
You call it "off the subject" because you don't agree with it.
The OP was considering a certain course of action. I challenged some common criticisms of that course of action and gave some feedback to defend it. What could be more relevant than that?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2015):
Now nonny, you may think women have all the sexual power and men none... and I absolutely disagree. History proves otherwise. But your opinions if of course yours to have.
NO ONE, no matter what job they hold or what gender they are, ARE entitled to sex.
And that is it from me to you about that subject on this post.
This is not about the inequality of the sexes that the OP is dealing with, but whether he should see a prostitute or not. And that is what MOST other people have answered to. Except you.
So my advice to you is to GIVE advice from your personal perspective but stay on topic, getting on your soap box about a whole different subject is not.... helpful for the OP.
You want to debate, rant, discuss or voice your opinion on a subject OTHER than what the OP is asking - MAKE a post of your own. How about that? Win-win!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): "Some 280,000 U.S female soldiers have been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan since 2001, yet... THEY don't go pay for sex. And I have no doubt MANY of those FEMALE soldiers have jobs that are as dangerous and as SUCKY as their male counterparts.
So NO, I don't buy that excuse for one minute."
You seem to misunderstand what I meant. The point is not that dangerous jobs entitle men to prostitutes.
Many people protest against legal prostitution because its a dangerous profession that women often get trapped in. But they don't protest against the immorality of common male-dominated jobs with high injury rates. I was saying that the arguments against legal prostitution because of bad safety & working conditions don't hold water IMO. Nobody minds when men endure bad conditions to feed themselves every day.
As for only male soldiers hiring prostitutes, maybe that is because female soldiers are outnumbered by men in the field by a wide margin, not to mention women normally controlling the game in terms of casual sex anyway. Its no mystery why women don't hire prostitutes overseas and its not because they are too moral. Women have much better options without resorting to that.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (4 November 2015):
Hi OP, no worries. You asked a question and at the time you felt it could be a legitimate solution to your problem. I've been on this site for a few years now and questions like yours, from male virgins in their twenties, pop up more often than you'd think. You're definitely not alone.
As for the "future girlfriends won't like your past because of this" remark. It's true that they won't, but it's not because of what they might think that you are wise not to do it. It's because going to a hooker is not going to help YOU deal with your current issues. In life, you should always make taking care of yourself a priority, and going to a hooker is like putting a bandaid on a big wound. It could make things worse. I just wanted to make that clear for readers complaining about double standards.
So take care of yourself and enlist professional help to deal with your issues. Nothing wrong or shameful about that. Good luck to you OP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 November 2015):
Anon male
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Any GUY is FULLY allowed to not want to be with a girl who engages or HAS engaged in casual sex. There isn't a double standard there.
Any WOMAN is FULLY allowed to not want to be with a guy who has engaged in sex with a prostitute.
We all have some PERSONAL boundaries, values and morals.
While there are countries where prostitutes are legal, the OP is from the U.S., and Nevada is the only U.S. jurisdiction to allow some legal prostitution. And they don't come cheap.
So IF the OP can afford to FLY to Nevada and buy the services of prostitute at a brothel - he can AFFORD to get some help dealing with his social awkwardness/shyness because at some point in his life he will WANT to meet a mate, to find a partner. He might even be able to GET the help for free through medical care/college/Uni. And getting sex from a sex worker is NOT going to fix the underlying issues that makes him think that having sex with a prostitute will fix whatever is holding him back from experiencing PERSONAL growth and interpersonal connections.
And YES, there WILL be woman who do NOT condone the "usage" of a prostitute and that is WELL within their right to have an aversion against prostitution as a whole, or a partner having USED a prostitute.
So telling a guy, you MIGHT have greater success if you WORK on learning how to interact with women VERSUS sure go get laid it will fix everything with a one time hole-in-one - is the kind of advice he is getting, because there are consequences for most actions and that includes paying for sex. Something the OP may not have considered.
And as for your statement:
""Men get seriously hurt and killed on dangerous jobs every day, everywhere. Men don't do these jobs for fun. ""
Some 280,000 U.S female soldiers have been deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan since 2001, yet... THEY don't go pay for sex. And I have no doubt MANY of those FEMALE soldiers have jobs that are as dangerous and as SUCKY as their male counterparts.
So NO, I don't buy that excuse for one minute.
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And OP - this is not a "wag" at the finger at you. But I would (if I had a son/stepson in your situation) tell him the same. BUYING sex is not at all to be compared with HAVING sex with a partner you care about, you trust and love. And a one time "popping the cherry" with a prostitute will not make you a "man". YOU have to do the work. Just like Uncle BrownWolf pointed out.... You don't go pay a prostitute to teach you how to drive - so why would to do it to learn how to become a man? to have relationships?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Original Poster Here.
Thank you everyone for their feedback. I realize that the idea might seem bad but it's just you could say I wasn't thinking straight in a moment.
Thank you all by the way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): Does a person's sexual history matter or not?
From what I can tell this is a double standard. It matters when a man's past is unattractive to women. But men are not allowed to be put off by women's pasts. And young women wanting more experienced guys is normal but young men wanting less experienced girls is some kind of depravity.
"How can you compare prostitution to having casual sex?!?!?"
Easy. Women control the game when it comes to casual sex. They are more selective even for the most casual of encounters than men are. (This is a plain old statistical fact, not a debatable opinion.) The playing field is not level between men and women for gaining sexual experience. Prostitution is another option for men with limited options.
Prostitution is perfectly legal in many places around the world. Some men hire sex workers to treat them badly but others do not. The conditions aren't always good for the sex workers in many places but they aren't always bad either.
Men get seriously hurt and killed on dangerous jobs every day, everywhere. Men don't do these jobs for fun. They do them to support themselves or their families because they have no other way. Its not really so different in principle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): I'm another woman who would be seriouslly put off of I found out a man paid for sex in the past no matter how much I liked him. In fact, I highly doubt I could seriously consider a relationship with a man who would do this as it would put too many question marks over his character for meHow does he see women? Does he see us as commodities to be bought? What does he value about women? What is his understanding of the inherent social issues and inequality around the inequality thag means a woman selling her body is one of the few ways in which she can make more money than men Does he see sex as a thing to 'use' a womans body for or the outward expression of feelings ?If you choose to do this just know know that it will put you out of the race with many women. Hey, perhaps even one day you would ask yourself some of those questions and it could come back to bite you sute bodies can be bought, time can be bought and and sexual jobs can be arranged . Ultimate one thing can never be bought though ... Intimacy and a woman heart
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): I am 19 and a virgin. Last year i almost lost my virginity to a so called "hot"/ "cool" type of guy who claimed was my boyfriend. Anyway i thought when he was going to touch me and stuff id feel pleasure as media describe sex. Unfortunately it didnt, all he was doing was hurting me. He knew i was a virgin so we would just do other stuff undressed without him penetrating because he was hurting me. So i gues i got boring for him because he tried to hook up with another girl who happened to be my friend and he didnt know she was my friend. .but, thats another story. See even some guys who had multiple partners still can make a girl feel less pleasure in bed. Dont try to compete with those losers or anyone. Give yourself time to be comfortable with yourself. Its hard to be completely sociable if you are not happy with yourself. Try exercising, it will boost your self-esteem plus you will get the best shape of your life! There are so many workout programs, you can visit google or a gym to see what works for you and follow the routine. Eat healthy, think positive, dont let a day go by without putting a smile on your face. Make a to-do list of things that you are passionate about. At first it will feel "awkward" but after some TIME you realise that there is more to life than sex and who is still a virgin or not. You will start to accept yourself as you are, virgin or not. You will develop patience out of nowhere that will guide you to do things at the right moment with a settled mind. When you have all those qualities being sociable will be so E-A-Z-Y plus you will get to choose which company you want to stick with. Aim for people who dont make you feel like an ALIEN whilst clearly you are NOT. I had low self-esteem myself and depression when i was 15, 16, 17 so it took me 3 years to work on it and i am perfectly fine today. Like you, i thought i was not attractive only to find out later when im doing fine that so many guys had crushes on me. You might think you are not charming or handsome whilst someone at this moment cant go a day without thinking about you. Please wait for that special someone to share pleasure and your secrets with.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 November 2015):
I really feel for you, but have to agree with all the other posters who have asked you not to do this. Never mind the fact that paying for sex is a much bigger turnoff for women than inexperience (I've found the whole 'being experienced' thing is much more of a concern to men than women. All most women want is a partner who is willing to learn how to please them!), but I really think it might your social anxiety worse. I've heard of men who have felt horrible afterwards because they know the woman was only there for the money and not for them, and you deserve to have a much better first experience than that. You sound like a lovely guy, so if you can work on your confidence and social skills then I'm sure there will be lots of women who would love to date you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2015): Ill second Honeypie... believe me it is much more of a turn off to hear a guy paid a prostitute, then the fact that he's awkward and experienced... that can be very cute and endearing!... im deep into a guy like this at the moment!
There is something very murky, and icky about prostitution- it just dehumanises what should be the act of LOVE. If a guy told me he'd been with a prostitute, I would seriously question if he was a psychopath...
Nothing good can come of it... a BAD idea seriously, you'll having trouble finding love after it, you'll find it so hard to open up to people, and she'll likely have a lot of trouble coming to terms with it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2015): I don't think it is wrong to do that. Actually almost all men in some parts of the world where there are strict restrictions on mixing of the sexes, all the men have their first experience of sex with a prostitute. They don't do that because they want to get rid of their virginity,actually that is the last thing they have on their mind, but because they are curious about the act and also that is the only outlet to relieve their horniness besides masturbation. My only advice is accept paying a few bucks more to choose a nice girl and believe me most prostitutes have a heart of gold, so accept paying more for a long session which you can enjoy and turn to a learning session. but one caution don't ask any crude questions like how men she has had that day before you because that really angers them.Just be a gentleman with her like you would with other women in the future..
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (3 November 2015):
Why do you assume you know what women want? Have they told you they want a guy who has had sex before???
Do women go out and buy underwear that are use by other women?? So why would they want a man that has been used by other women?? Especially a sex worker?
Paying someone for sex because as you say "I figure having no clue about the opposite sex"...is lazy... That is the kind of man woman DO NOT want....a lazy man. You could be the worlds most handsome man, but if you are lazy, she will dump you for a world's most ugliest man if he is a hard worker. I do not mean hard working in your job alone...I mean at home too. Women want a man who makes the effort in all things. Talking to her, paying attention her, loving not because she gave you sex, but because she is yours to love. Doing things with her outside the bedroom, helping to raise your kids, making dinner if she busy, or just making dinner because you want to feed her :), and so on.
You say you are awkward around women...so the best thing to do is find the easy way out. You can have sex with a million sex workers and still be awkward around women, if you do not LEARN how to be around women.
Do you drive a car? How do you learn to do that? Was it a sex worker who taught you? Who taught you how to sleep? To go to work? Or to just do things more efficiently???
Women are not aliens, or as my grandmother would say "They do not have two heads and you only have one." You know what the scariest thing about a woman is?? Thinking you know them without talking to them to find what they want. Believing you are GOD's gift to women and believing you are THE MAN...you will find out real fast not to mess with one. Treating her the way you want her to treat you, and you are on good solid ground.
There is a lot more to women than sex...Learn everything else her first, then about sex. If she is good to you, marry her, then you can have all the sex you want. The only thing a sew worker is going to teach you is, sex is sex. Fall in love with a woman, and LEARN to truly appreciate her, and you will see sex is a mind bending experience. Porn stars, sex works and so on, have no idea the true purpose of sex, nor the true gratification that comes when your heart is connect to your partner, and not just your penis.
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A
female
reader, haveiafuture  +, writes (3 November 2015):
Do you mean you would like be experienced in sex by the time you meet a girl and bring her to bed? But you mentioned you have never been on a date. I would say take it one step at a time. :-)If you want to pay a prostitute just to gain experience interacting with women and thus break your shyness, I'd say that is not the best option. You might regret the sex part later.Instead, focus on making yourself more comfortable around women. Talk to your female friends more often. If for some reason they don't want to, you can find a woman who is OBLIGED to. For example you could call one of those phone help lines and chat with a female counsellors. It might help you overcome your shyness. You could slowly work your way towards going on a date with real girl.Having sex with a prostitute won't solve anything. Even if you pay her to go to a movie with you and skip the sex part, you won't get the real "girlfriend experience".
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 November 2015):
 I am so happy you wrote here! My heart goes out to you.
You are at a crossroads. What is sex to you? What is intimacy to you? A quick shaft in which the end result is nothing in which your hand can't give you?
A prostitute won't give you what you need. She will SIMULATE the interest, the care, and the Girlfriend Experience. You'll learn What Goes Where, but you'll still be empty.
Not only that, but what will you tell a REAL girlfriend who sees and loves you when she asks who your first was?? Will you cement your relationship with a lie? Or will you tell her the truth, causing her to run to the doctor for an STI test?
Do not lose hope. I agree with Honeypie and Maverick494 when they tell you that the better thing to do is to seek help for social awkwardness. There is someone out there who loves you.
I have a friend on Facebook who by all normal counts should never find a mate. But he did, and they're so in love that it's nauseating! He was a virgin until 35 years old (I'm assuming they had sex after they got married!) Never give up hope! A sex worker may take your virginity, but you will be no happier.
I see a lot of different people on here, and I can tell you that you're a GOOD guy. I hope you stay in contact with us, because I will celebrate the day you find love.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 November 2015):
I think it would be wiser to look into therapy to deal with your self esteem issues and awkwardness. Truth is, having sex with a hooker isn't going to solve the underlying issues. Yes you'll have had sex, but you will still not be any better at figuring out what your sex partner wants, plus you'll probably won't feel comfortable telling a potential girlfriend your only experience comes from that time with a hooker.
Don't underestimate this. Yes, lies are easily made, and I've lied countless of times to people about my lack of sexual experience, hell in the beginning I even lied to my therapist about it. The problem is having that kind of lie in your relationship. In the end, it made me uncomfortable, so I told my boyfriend that I had lied about my sexual experience and that I was, in fact, still a virgin. He didn't take being lied to very well, but he was surprised I was so bothered with being a virgin and he was happy I told him so he could make sure my first time was the best it could be.
So I had sex for the first time at 22 and afterwards I found out nothing had really changed. My self esteem issues were still there, my insecurities about sex were still there, even though the huge VIRGIN stamp was gone. It took me quite a while since to become comfortable in my own body. And therapy helped with that. After I owned up to my lie of course.
So ask yourself, what do you think will change after having sex with a hooker? She won't teach you much, since hookers are making their living that way and they're used to telling guys they're doing great even when they are not.
Sex isn't the problem. Your issues are. Deal with them and you'll be able to deal with your inexperience. I've found that when you're more comfortable in your own body, it's so much easier to focus on what works and what doesn't, not just for yourself but for your sexual partner. People who are inexperienced but who are doing the best they can to give the other a good time will always be a better lay than guys who fucked every girl in a 10 mile radius with just his own pleasure in mind.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 November 2015):
I think, as a woman, that a guy PAYING for sex from a sex-worker is FAR more unattractive/a turn off, than a guy who just doesn't have any experience.... yet. If I were in my 20's now, I wouldn't touch a guy who had sex with prostitutes with a ten-foot pole, nor would I want to date/be with a guy who have had extreme numbers of sexual partners.
The number of partners DOESN'T equal being more experienced or better in bed. It just means, more partners.
You are 22-25! not 90 - why on EARTH can't you go out and meet girls? Some girls might find a "virgin" male less interesting than a "non-virgin" - but I think over all women are LESS concerned with his sexual experience and MORE concerned with his attitude and personality.
And having sex one time, is NOT going to fix the awkwardness, THAT is something YOU have to work on. And that means you have to MAKE yourself socialize.
Nor can anyone SEE that you are no longer a "virgin" so you aren't going to be noticed more, after having paid for sex.
And I seriously doubt that the average sex worker gives "lessons" in how to become a great lover or interesting person. Again, THAT is up to you and ONLY you.
There are PLENTY of awkward nerd GIRLS out there in the SAME position as you, so maybe instead of hoping to score the "cheerleaders" you need to consider girls you have more in common with? It would be a much better start to work on those social skills too. Sex can wait.
There is no expiration date on when you HAVE to lose your virginity by. You just "think" that EVERYONE else MUST have lost theirs so you HAVE to catch up.
Considering the rampant STD's/STI's "out there" I think using a sex-worker is the (pardon for being blunt) the dumbest thing you can do.
BUT with all that said, it's your life, your mistakes to make or not make.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2015): It's totally up to you bro, but at the end of the day you won't get much satisfaction from it. I've had sex with a prostitute before and even though I thought I was performing well she just seemed bored and was like 'just get it over with already'. Prostitutes are that used to sex they won't seem to get much pleasure out of it. It might make you feel like you're not doing it right or not big enough downstairs etc...The again it could be a good opportunity to learn about sex so when you do meet that special someone you know what you're doing. But it depends on how much you value your virginity. Are you the kind of person who wants your first time to be a special moment to cherish forever? Or are you just wanting to get rid of the 'virgin' tag? Both are completely normal feelings.I know it seems like a lost cause being socially awkward but try not to be so hard on yourself. I can vouch for having poor social skills, I don't have many friends and have only been with a handful of women but you'll get better, eventually. Never change who you are as a person, somebody somewhere will appreciate you.Good luck bro :)
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