A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:i’ve been chatting with a guy on dating site. Built up a connection, exchanged phone numbers and have now talked on the phone a few times as well as chatting online.Decided to meet up in person as we have a lot in common and definitely a connection.However, i was SO disappointed, yes, he looked similar to his photo, he admitted the photo was a couple of years old and he’d put weight on since, but hey,. haven’t we all? but he looked scruffy, i mean dirty jeans, old torn coat, unshaven, hair greasy, and..... hate to say this, but he smelt. Initially i thought perhaps it was his clothes? Had he come straight from work and not had chance to change? But no, he’d already said he was doing nothing all weekend, and confirmed that he’d had a relaxed morning. As we sat to have a drink, he took his coat off, the hot sticky body odour that hit me, made me feel sick! He had mentioned as we had walked and chatted,how nervous he felt, so, maybe he had been sweating with nerves? However, his tee shirt looked unironed and was also dirty, i jokingly asked him if he’d spilt his dinner? He replied, “ no, no, it’s been there ages, must be a stain.”Well,.I felt sick, he clearly had BO.,and appeared to have made no effort what so ever for this date although before meeting, while we chatted, he had stated on many occasions that he was excited about meeting up, and looking forward to it. I felt terrible but made excuses to get back out in the fresh air, otherwise, i swear,i’d of been sick., Now, I admit, i’ve put weight on, and am no longer as photogenic as i used to be. I’m no oil painting, nor do i claim to be.However, i always take pride in my appearance, and wouldn’t dream of going on a date without showering, doing my hair, putting on clean clothes, and making an effort! So, i felt offended that this guy clearly hadn’t made any effort what so ever.To me, that showed utter lack of respect. Respect is a must in relationships for me! He asked if i’d like to meet again? well i wanted to ask, does he not bathe?,. Has he heard of deoderant? does he wash and iron his clothes.? I told him i needed time to consider and reflect.Now he’s texted twice saying how much he likes me and asking if we can meet up again? I like his sense of humour, the way he listens and laughs at my jokes,he appreciates my awkward shift pattern, and i see he has nice, kind eyes.We do have a lot of common interests we could share together. I’d like to give him another chance, just in case, he’d maybe rushed out in his work gear and not had time to shower or change. Am i naive to think he sweated so much because he was so nervous? We agreed to be open and honest with one another,i don’t want to hurt his feelings, but i can’t ever get used to that body odour smell! ,Telling him will be horrible, but deodorant is a necessity.Am i wrong to say, if he doesn’t care enough to clean up, it’s a deal breaker? Advice appreciated.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 February 2020):
 Are you sure he isn't homeless? There are only two reasons I could think of for someone to turn up on a first date looking and smelling like he did. The first would be that they were living rough and didn't have facilities to wash. The only other reason I could think of would be that they were suffering from some sort of mental illness (e.g. depression).
Such a shame that you felt so let down when you had built up a rapport during your phone conversations. In your shoes I would be brutally honest with him and say something like "I liked you as a person but you made me feel disrespected by turning up dirty and smelling of BO." If he takes the huff and cuts contact, then you have lost nothing but will have given him food for thought. I cannot imagine many women being desperate enough to get into a relationship with someone who was like that from the start. He needs to sort out whatever his problems are before expecting someone to commit to a relationship with him.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (8 February 2020):
 I definitely think that it's a dealbreaker. A first date is much like an interview; you'd want to put your best foot forward. If he did not even care to wear CLEAN clothes, lets just forgot the fact that he didn't iron, he did not even bother to be clean or to look presentable... Not even just for you; for himself... In order to make himself look and feel good then I can't help but wonder how he approaches other things in life like cleanliness on a whole. We're a walking and breathing representation of ourselves so it's always good to be clean and looking decent. Nobody is saying that the guy has to look like a model or have perfect eyebrows and facial hair but in the very least one should take a shower/bath and put on some deodorant to keep the BO at bay. I would never show up to a date looking and smelling horrible. I could never do that and I'm not even high maintenance. It's just bad manners and it says a lot about a person when they don't take pride in being presentable. It's like he just doesn't care. In which case, would you like to be with someone who just doesn't care about anything, about himself? I don't know, I wouldn't be too pleased. I don't see any way that you could bring this up to him, in any kind of way, which will get a good response from him. I just don't see it. I don't even think that you know him well enough to have this conversation with him, without him feeling offended. It's hard enough telling the ones that we love that they don't smell/look the best, imagine telling that to someone that you've just met? You could discuss it if you'd like depending on how much you actually like him, but I would just move on (if it were me in that situation). He's probably stuck in his ways at this point and it's just easier for him to be a slob so I wouldn't expect that to change if I were you. I wouldn't bother.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 February 2020):
 It would be a deal breaker for me. I want someone to be relaxed on the day, including the hell they’re dressed, but that doesn’t mean dirty with shabby clothes. I would find a way to politely decline and respectfully give him the reason why. I would tell him that, whilst I enjoyed his company, it was very off-putting that he hadn’t showered or worn cleaner clothes.
...............................
A
female
reader, EmmyApple  +, writes (8 February 2020):
My husband often stinks! He sweats like a pig and on weekends he often doesn’t bathe or get dressed unless he’s going out. BUT we are in the “comfortable” phase of our relationship. Early on, we both put in a lot more effort, which should be expected! If you REALLY like this guy you need to just tell him he stank and you want him to look and smell better. If he really wants you so bad, he’ll listen. If he doesn’t listen then he’s probably not right for you anyway.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2020): Yes, "stank" (American-slang for what you've described) is a deal-breaker, among many many others!!!
This post seems grossly familiar!
I mean, there are exceptions. You just got home from the gym, you're coming home from a long hard day at work, you've been doing yard work in the heat of the day, you're a soldier on the battlefield, you're a missionary in remote conditions. There are circumstances that you don't have the luxury of soap and water readily available; or it's just a matter of time, before you attend to your personal-hygiene. If you're just walking around all day knocking people out, you're just "nasty!"
Who on earth would show up for a date like that???
A grown-ass man (or woman) shouldn't need anybody to tell him/her to wash his/her nasty body, and change into clean clothes! He'd have to be suffering from some sort of mental-disorder!
Show charity and empathy to all people; but set a standard and use discernment when pursuing a romantic-interest, or a life-partner!
Unsanitary conditions of your body breed lice, bacterial skin-infections, fungus, and the odor is horrendous! The accumulation of sweat, body oil, and dead-skin cells is a medium for skin infections. The man is a walking petri dish!
You don't have to settle for filth and disgust; lest you're so desperate you'd choose any random homeless person off the street. You may as well! They could be nice people! However, there's an obvious problem there! You're not his mother! Your suggestions are unnecessary, when all you need to do is send him walking!
It boggles the mind why anyone would give a smelly unkempt brute the time of day, when he offends all the natural senses?
This is a common-sense question.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (7 February 2020):
 First impressions are hard to forget. What you see in someone the first time and what you feel are likely to remain for a long time. I understand someone being nervous meeting for the first time but not to the point that they start smelling that bad! This man just didn't make the time or the effort to clean up for you KNOWING you had never met before. To me that screams out that he didn't care enough to take a shower? Change his clothes?? Use deodorant? COME ON! It makes me wonder what is he like when he's "RELAXED"
UGH...It would be a deal breaker for me. I mean, he might be a nice man but do you want a fixer upper? The thought of training a grown man that he needs to shower? No thanks.
I guess its all up to how much do you like him? IF you want to meet up again, I'm afraid you need to be honest explain to him that his appearance surprised you and not in a good way. There really isn't an easy way to say "hey..you smelled bad and it almost made me sick"...but let him know that you didn't expect him to show up the way he did and you pride yourself in looking good or something to that affect.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 February 2020):
 For me it is a deal breaker.
He was nervous but looked forward to seeing you, YET he (a GROWN man) didn't shower and put on clean clothes for this first date/meeting?
There is a REASON he is still single, despite his sense of humor and all that. He REEKS. He isn't hygienic at all. Can you IMAGINE what his place looks like? Smells like? No one that walks around dirty like that is going to have a clean house!
He isn't homeless. He has a job, right? So he CAN wash himself and his clothes, brush his teeth etc.
While I can't be assed to IRON things these days. I think if I had a date with someone I'd put an outfit together that 1. was clean and presentable 2. looked great on me and 3 SMELLED neutral, any scent can come from my soap, shampoo, lotion, perfume/deodorant.
No, he didn't smell because he was nervous. He smelled because he probably haven't showered in a long time, his clothes were filthy. Strong BO can happen to people who shower daily, if they have a medical issue with sweat-glands (for instance) but that doesn't account for wearing some OLD stain on his shirt!
I know you were hoping this was a one off for him, but I don't think it is.
And I agree with Cindy that olfaction is something we all shouldn't ignore. You might not think about it when you meet people, but you WILL remember someone who smelled really good and someone who smelled really bad, because it's part of our nature. We can smell "danger" (like predatory animal smells or bad chemicals), we can smell food (for instance you can smell on some fruits whether they are ripe or not) and we can smell pheromones, which are other people - in order to find a mate.
I think it's putting it MILDLY to say if he doesn't care enough to clean up for a date it is a TOTAL dealbreaker.
And it's OK to pass on this guy, even if he has some positive attributes. He IS old enough to clean himself, his clothes and be PRESENTABLE when he leaves the house.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 February 2020):
 To me it would be a dealbreaker . For the reason you mentioned : he made zero efforts to make himself presentable before a date . How lazy can you be for not taking a quick shower - heck, let's make it easy for him : for not splashing some soapy water under your armpits ! - when you are at home off work ?! And also because if his odour totally disgusts you, probably is your pheromones not matching or something like that. Chemistry - sexual chemistry - is strictly linked to your sense of smell. Which does not mean that you are only attracted to squeaky-clean, freshly showered men ( although, being clean and smelling fresh is a big plus ). But , like it or not, realize it or not, some body odours are compatible with our sense of smell, other aren't. When somebody turns you on, you may °notice° that he has just finished exercising, or chopping wood, and hope that sooner or later he can fix that with a nice shower, BUT he does not make you gag, or fear you are going to vomit. Olfact plays a big role in selecting the right mate for us,- if we let it do its job properly.
I also don't think that it was just a matter of being nervous ( which, anyway, in my own book would be just another point against him : WTF: he is only going on a date, not facing a mortal combat ! Being a little nervous, say. sweaty palms, could be fine, but sweating profusely like a fountain in that which ,after all, is a normal social situation, to me smells of - pun intended - big social maladjustment . But , that's just me ). I don't think his smell only came from nerves- you can't blame nerves for old stains on his shirt, greasy hair, torn coat etc. Face it, the guy is a terrible slob. Which, does not make him also a terrible human being, I am sure he might have many good qualities to recommend him. It just depends from one's tolerance level for slobs, - if yours is medium / low ( mine is zero ! ) I don't think his sense of humour or sunny disposition or whatever are enough to make up for his offensive slovenliness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 February 2020):
 Ewww
dirty hair, dirty clothes, dirty body.
I think if you believe there is a chance for a relationship here you need to be honest. Let him know you were disappointed that he didn't take the same care in personal hygiene nor ensure his clothes were clean and tidy as you did.
Quite frankly I believe he has probably left it so long since he took pride in himself and his appearance that he has forgotten how to, what sort of work does he do that might explain the clothes? Does he work?
Let him know you were disappointed at his lack of preparedness for your meet up and see what he says. I wouldn't bother with him if you meet again and his standards are still not up to scratch.
Don't lower your standards. There are more guys out there who DO take pride in themselves.
...............................
|
