A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone. I am in a happy settled relationship with a lovely easy going hubby. We've been together for 20 years. (A record breaker for me) I'm 65 years old and he's 62. We get along well and both share a similar sense of humour. We love our holidays and both share a passion for country walking and cycling... Prior to meeting my husband, I endured a very abusive background. My childhood, swamped with foreboding unhappy memories. I was often hungry, beaten, intimidated, starved of affection and quite severely neglected both psychologically and emotionally by my parents. My mother was an unsupportive violent narcissist and my father who was never violent, often drummed it into me that I was an unwanted mistake. One day he told me that I'm only here because there was no sterilisation in the 1950s. I was also harassed and sexually abused by my eldest sister's boyfriend between the age of 10-16 years old. What made matters worse was my sister never believed me but instead accused me of flirting and encouraging him. Never did I understand it to be wrong because it was the only life I knew. And I was always ordered to respect my elders and do what I was told... A few years ago I wrote my own autobiography and, combined with counselling has helped towards a small fraction of healing... However, despite the fact that I get on fine with my husband, I do not feel any sexual urges at all. I've tried explaining sensitively that it's not him, it's me. I physically don't want sex. All I want to do at bedtime is crash out. I suffer a lot with my health. My tinnitus is troublesome and I have chronic back pain. Severe raging hot flushes whereas one humdinger is never far from the surface and guaranteed to invade my entire body the moment I get into bed. Makes me feel so ill as it comes at me like a freight train, draining and sapping any remaining energy from me entirely. A complete off putter for him and a real distressing feeling for me. I do enjoy cuddling Into his back but then he often sees my affection as a green light. An invitation to turn back over and climb aboard. He's got a nice body but I'm just never in any mood for anything other than a cuddle. Actually, I'd rather sip cocoa in bed. Passion for me is completely dead. I don't even like wet kisses on my mouth.. The only love I'm familiar with is the motherly love I have for my own children. I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't a clue of the true meaning of marital love. One might wonder how we initially got together but I was 45 and disliked living on my own. I met my husband in an introduction bureau and after several disappointing disastrous dates, he was the first person to respect and treat me with kindness. Genuine to the core. I guessed that was far better than obtaining a crazy physical sexual crush on someone who merely took pleasure out of perversely abusing me. I was never overly attracted to my husband sexually but I'd reached the end of my tether with abusive men so I settled for this warm good looking guy who happened to be very easy going minus a chip on his shoulder. However, recently I assumed him to be getting the message as to be fair, he's been keeping his hands to himself in bed. On the odd occasion when I've guiltily given in, he's had a problem 'rising to the occasion' which he thinks is because his manhood is being neglected. Thank goodness I think to myself. It's my lucky night and I can roll over and go to sleep. But then, the other week, he suggested taking viagra and even wanted me to get it for him in case he felt embarrassed. I confided in another of my sisters as we are quite close and she advised that his behaviour is coercive and that I should never feel obligated just because his balls are full and aching. I consider myself to be a good wife otherwise by cooking, cleaning and managing the home well. I never pick arguments because he hates rowing so I have to be very careful never to snap at him. He reckons an atmosphere upsets his stomach. I'm careful with money and also keep myself as I enjoy being financially independent. Would appreciate some advice. No point in going to a sex counsellor as there's nothing there to rouse. Thanks! White Opal...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear everyone, you've really got the complete wrong end of the stick.. It must have been the way I worded everything. I am CERTAINLY not a narcissist but I do know exactly what one is. Believe me I do... My husband and I share so much together and both enjoy one another's company in nearly everything we do. I care very much about how he feels and that's why I tried confiding about my own lack of sexual desire on here. A narcissist wouldn't even acknowledge they had a problem. Code Warrior, I think you should perhaps look up its meaning although it sounds like you yourself have experienced dealings with a narcissist? Something or someone has certainly made you seriously bitter. Have you tried counselling? Maybe you should have read between the lines of my letter. My husband loves me very much and we are both truly happy together so why would he want a divorce just because my sex drive has diminished?? That's neither his fault nor mine. But because I care so much about him, that's why I admit to needing help in dealing with this situation. All the responses on here are extremely harsh & calling me a narcissist when I'm trying to get this problem 'of mine' sorted?. There's far more to marriage than just sex, although you so called agony aunts make it sound like it's the most important thing on earth. God knows, lots of women my age at nearly 66 lose interest. You have no idea of how we live.. ON A GRAVY TRAIN??? What's that supposed to mean? Are you jealous that we are both happy in every other way?? I definitely shan't be asking any more questions on here again as I had no idea there were so many bitter & unhappy people out there. Your not agony aunts. You're unhappy individuals who need answers to your own sad lives...
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (9 February 2020):
 I read your post with a deep sense of sadness - for both you AND your husband.
Interesting that you start your post with the declaration that you are in a "happy" relationship. Who is happy in it? Neither you NOR your husband, by the sound of it.
Such a shame you felt the need to "settle" for the first "good guy" who came along. And such a shame that you didn't make him aware of this before you married him, giving him the choice of whether to go through with marrying you.
Given the list of medical conditions you have, I doubt many women would be in the mood for sex, even if they WERE attracted to their partner. Have you sought medical advice for your back troubles, your tinnitus and your hot flushes? These will certainly not be helping you.
If you are willing to try to have a sexual relationship with your husband, could you agree on a sex "rota" so that sex is scheduled in for certain nights and other nights you can relax and know you are "safe"? Sounds clinical I know, but I have heard it can work for couples.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (9 February 2020):
 If you don't want sex then you should either give your husband permission to seek satisfaction elsewhere or divorce him. Sorry but it isn't fair that you want a good life with him but are denying him what most people want and need. Is it possible that you might need some hormones? Women going through menopause have all sorts of problems and lack of sexual desire is one of them. Have you ever talked to your doctor? Or is that you just really aren't attracted to your husband and nothing would make you be? If that's the case then give your husband freedom. You can't really expect him to be just a room mate without talking to him. It just isn't fair.
My ex husband had alot of issues and was an alcoholic. He lost interest in sex when I was only 35. He refused to see a doctor. I put up with it for 2 years and decided enough was enough. (I did not leave just because of the lack of sex there were MANY other issues).
Point is..most people that are married want sex. Give your husband the chance to decide what he wants and don't let him keep on thinking its all his fault.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2020): Hi what advice would you like exactly . There is simply no sexual advice for a sexual relationship between the two of you that can be given as you have ruled this out so the only advice that can be given is stay together in a platonic relationship or allow the relationship to be open and either of you ( one or both , assuming you won’t due to no interest ) goes elsewhere for sexual relations
The options seem straightforward and there doesn’t really seem any problem to solve here
You continue to live together as roommates and buddies or you allow him to seek the sexual pleasure outside the marriage . Or you two go seperate ways
Or 3 - divorce
This really doesn’t even seem like a problem to be solved . There are only three options . Stay the same , after he gets sex elsewhere or divorce .
Surely you were able to see there are the three options ?
Sorry but I’m not really understanding what you are asking for here
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