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Am I wrong to draw a line under this?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 September 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I was dating a guy for almost two years and in March of this year my father got really sick from cancer. He passed away sadly at the end of April. The guy I was with was a complete ass towards me when my father had passed away. And during April I was also in my finals for school so I was a little crazy with school and the passing of my father. Long story short this guy proposed in May, I said yes.

I did all of the planning and everything then at the end of July he called off the wedding. I was upset, hurt, and embarrassed to tell all of these people that it wasn't happening anymore. Then he was asked for the ring back he was being extremely rude the way he asked. I was reluctant to give it back but I did a few weeks later. After everything I did not want to see him or talk to him (still don't). So, my mom contacted him and but he acted surprised. And i thought he would ecstatic to get the ring back total opposite.

So, A few days later my mom met with him and my mom said he looked sad. And my mom asked him not to contact me any further. He agreed, then after he got in his car my mom said she looked out the window and he was still there 15 minutes later. Then my mom talked to him some more and he left I wasn't home and I wasn't going to be home for a while, but he apparently sat and waited.

Well, a few days later he sent me an apology text I ignored it. A few days after he sent another text it was an old photo of him and I. I Ignored it he then sent me another text apologizing again and he asked if he could see me.(He's moving to another country in December he's in the military). And this morning he sent me another text asking if him and I could talk. I ignored him.

The thing is I am done and I don't want to talk to him or see him ever again. I have been through enough this year with my loosing my dad to cancer. I just don't have anything else to say him and I have talked about it in person in July. I am wrong to ignore him?

View related questions: military, text, wedding

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntOff course you are not wrong, in fact you are acting correctly. If he cannot support you through the death off your father then that shows that he is not good husband material. What kind of future would use have if he treats you so bad? You are best to ignore him and concentrate on yourself. Sorry for your loss and I hope you and your mother can both be strong for each other.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2017):

I'm so sorry you've had one heartbreak after another. You are NOT wrong. I'd block his calls or change your number. If he continues, I'd get a restraining order, let him know you're done and don't need someone like that in your life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm so sorry for the loss of your dad.

Yes, I think you did the right thing in ignoring him. If I were you, I would go and have my number changed as well. So he REALLY can't get in touch with you anymore. Blocking him isn't going to stop him as he can always use someone else's phone.

Learn from this. Someone who can't be there for you when you are down and stressed is not a good long term partner, so you really did dodge a bullet when he canceled the wedding. Because YOU deserve so much more from a partner than he was willing and able to give. As far as he goes, it's GOOD the wedding didn't take place. It's GOOD he is out of your life.

The fact that he can still get hold of you (as in you have kept your number) means he will keep trying. He isn't contacting you for YOUR sake. He is trying to assuage his own guilt for being such a total ASSHAT to you. As little as he cared about your loss, I think as little he cared about how all this made YOU feel. These "apology" texts are ALL about him. He wants to meet so YOU can forgive him and HE can feel less of a twat. I say don't do that FOR him. You don't owe him crap.

Now if you want to forgive him (and yourself) that is fine, do it "within" your own head and heart so you can move on, but you DO NOT owe him to sit down and do it in person.

So... Change your number. Make sure he doesn't have ACCESS to your Facebook or other social media (my advice is to change your settings to allow only people you have friended to SEE what's on it). Tell your mom (and anyone else he might reach out to, to try and get your number, that you would HIGHLY appreciate them NOT giving your number out to him as you have NOTHING further to say to him, it's over and done with.

And give your mom a hug. It's good to see you have support in her.

Chin up.

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A male reader, Phil052 United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2017):

Phil052 agony auntAbsolutely not. He let you down when your dad died. He let you down when you were supposedly getting married (except that he has actually done you a huge favour there). You owe this 'man' nothing and it would be a big mistake (in my opinion) to let him back into your life, you deserve so much better.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 September 2017):

CindyCares agony auntNot at all. You do not owe him anything, not even the courtesy of an one-word answer.

Breaking an official engagement, and asking for the ring back- is pretty final , and can very possibly imply a total communication breakdown, as I am sure he imagined already. Some people might decide to remain friendly, or at least in speaking terms, even after something like that, but this is in no way mandatory or even usual. He gets to decide, of course,if and whom he wants to marry- but he does not get to dictate how the future interaction with the ex fiancee' is going to be. If you prefer to not have anything more to do with him at all, that's your privilege, - and it should come as no surprise to him. Have no regrets.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 September 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntFirstly, my condolences on the death of your father, it is difficult to lose somebody you love to cancer.

As for your question, no, you are not wrong to ignore him. You owe him nothing. As your mother has previously acted as your emissary it might be a good idea to let her know it would be appreciated if he tries going through her that she too ignores him or brushes him off.

You don't need such a flake in your life.

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