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Am I moving on too fast? And how and when do I tell the new guy about my past and the fact that my ex still lives in the same house as me?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 September 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 September 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have recently split with my partner of 8 years , we have fallen out of love and we both thought it was the best decision to cut it off. He still lives in the same house as me though in seperate rooms and he still helps with shopping/lifts etc - until we sort out moving out as we have 8 years to sort out (Its been around three months now still no movement :-/ ) . I was sad about it but we are more like friends now and he still wants to help out where he can which I appreciate but to completely cut ties he needs to move out, he has told me this, but he doesn't work right now and has no income so it is proving difficult.

I've recently met a man through a friend, who I have been getting along with so well, I can tell we both genuinely like each other and that we are both interested in pursuing it further. He is a nice guy who always wants to talk and we have so much in common. He has an amazing personality and sense of humour. Obviously he gives me butterflies and I feel excited about him, I'm so scared to mess it up.

But I wanted to know , is it wrong to move on to another so soon after my last relationship (about a month or two) . I was not in love with my partner, and he was not in love with me and told me this numerous times, id say I've been unhappy/loveless for about two years and we have just been living together. I feel like I have a soul back now .

Am I wrong for moving on? I am also worried about him still living with me and this new guy, I've kept it casual and not really mentioned my living arrangements or my past. But I know one day I will have to, or he might find out from elsewhere. What is the best way for me to tackle this. I really don't want to make my ex homeless as he supported me these last eight years.

View related questions: move on, my ex

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (15 September 2017):

Bad idea to date when your ex is still is still living w/your ex. My 1st love lived w/his and that caused nothing but issues. Please consider taking care of your business before bringing in another person.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntNo it is not wrong to move on. But if you and your ex are over he really needs to move on and move out. I understand you want to help him, but the relationship is over and if he continues to live with you then your life is going to be put on hold because nobody is going to want to enter in to something when you are still living with your ex. Believe me this man you are dating will find it hard to accept. So if you want to move on then you really need to ask your ex to make new living arrangements. I understand you are both friends but you both still have a lot off history and that would make any potential partner uneasy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntFinish and be done with ONE relationship before getting into another. And with that I mean to be on your own. Living with an ex-partner can seem shady to most people, especially if you keep it a secret. It can also create drama the moment you want to bring home the "new" guy. While the ex-partner is OK with it all being over I'm pretty sure it would feel like a smack in the face to have you bring home a new guy to the SHARED "home". So SORT that out before getting more serious with #2 and DO NOT omit that you have the ex-partner living with you. That is shady.

While I get that you had an amicable split from the ex-partner - I say you need to move on and so does he, so you NEED to sit down with the ex-partner and make an exit strategy. which means REGARDLESS of his work status there needs to be a CONCRETE plan for his moving out. Not some vague time schedule.

Personally? I wouldn't date someone living with an ex-partner. NOPE. It's just drama waiting to happen. And while you two SAY you are done with each other - it doesn't LOOK like you are done. I get helping out someone you care for but when a relationship is over, it's over. Dragging it with you into a new relationship, it's just not fair on the new guy.

A friend of ours has let his ex-GF live with him "till she got her shit together" all the while he took care of the bills as she had no income. The plan was for her to find work and move out. It's been 8 months and she is still there and still not working. I think she has filled out some applications once when they first broke up but nothing since. And she does nothing around the home either. She got herself a couple of little dogs that she plans to breed and sell puppies with.... THAT is not a job. Vet costs can end up being much higher than anything she might make on some mutt puppies.

He met someone new last month and it looked kind of good but she has since then back off and told him, I want to date you but not while she lives with you and off you.

No one needs or wants a 3rd wheel in their relationship. Think about it.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 September 2017):

N91 agony auntHowever long it takes you to move on is fine, the sooner the better.

However the living arrangement may prove a stumbling block. I don't really think this is something that you can hide and if there's not going to be any change to it for the foreseeable future then I think you're going to have to tell the new guy.

It's Only a matter of time before things progress further and he may start prodding at your past (some people aren't interested in that kind of conversation) and I think the longer you leave it, the more of a shock it's going to come as when you tell him you're still living with your ex. Just be honest with him and tell him of the situation, I'm sure he will find it a little weird but I think if he's genuinely interested in you then he will be able to put up with it for a short while but obviously will be expecting him to be out of the equation as quickly as possible.

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