A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went out yesterday with some friends and I was looking around me. I kept seeing all sorts of couples hugging, holding hands, kissing, looking happy, etc. There were really a lot of them and I felt a bit sad and awkward. All this was kinda weird for someone who has been single for 4 years and got me into thinking about relationships. I have kinda forgotten how it feels like, but I would sure be happy to fall in love again. Yet, I haven't been able to get out of my predicament and I am not too positive about the future, but so be it. I am used to being bullied around and being treated as a loser, so I can endure any type of psychological hardship and keep going on.I have reached the point of wondering whether I am better off being single. This might sound quite pessimistic, but I start having doubts about whether relations end up happily. Many of the examples around me show the opposite: the number of colleagues who are now at their 3rd+ mariage, many of my parents' friends who divorce at quite an advanced age (50-60) or who stay married just out of convenience (but without love), friends of mine who stay in unhappy relationships and all the testimonies I keep reading on many forums... Sure, many people get together for the wrong reasons: fear of loneliness, need of validation, social/peer pressure, etc. However, many couples that started off quite well and now have reached a point where the partners feel like strangers to each other.I don't know what to think anymore, but there are some things/patterns I have observed:1) I have noticed that the majority of the people I know are serial monogamists. They quickly move from one relationship to another with no trouble whatsoever, and I have never seen them stay single for more than 3 months. I lose touch with some friends for a short while and next time I see them, they are in a relationship again. I am not sure if this is because they feel insecure remaining single for too long, because they simply follow the trend that everyone needs to be in a relationship or simply because this is life and that being a couple is the norm. Anyway, this might be a reason why many couples fail. People don't seem to reflect on why their previous relationship failed and so they repeat the same mistakes. Moreover, in order to get into a relationship as fast as possible, they necessarily have to settle for someone. I cannot imagine finding the love of your life just a couple of months after (or even just before) your break-up.I am also just surprised how easily people get in relationships, and yet it looks like a struggle to me (and to many other guys according to the various forums I have visited). It is really frustrating as it seems like every other guy knows how to get a girlfriend and I am the loser who does not.How does it seem so easy? Is it because they go with the flow and just accept the first decent (or decent-looking person) they come across? I keep wondering what these "lucky" guys do that I do not? Most of the time, girls don't even answer back my sms or emails. Even if they do, they will find all sorts of excuses to avoid a date. And I am not creepy, I usually have friends (both male and female) that are witnesses to my interactions with girls and don't get what went wrong. The problem might also be that I am a bit too careful/distant in the beginning while other guys don't hide their intentions and go for it, they will touch girls on their shoulders or waists, etc. Lol, I would pass off as a creep if I did that.2) I have noticed that things are usually quite easier for women. In most cases, they have absolutely NO problems getting into relationships (now, the quality of these relationships may vary but I believe this is also their responsibility if they settle for someone they don't like). Everytime I meet a new girl (irrespective of whether I like her or not), there 90% of chances she has a boyfriend (and this will pop-up in the conversation at some point). This really contrasts with the number of guys who don't see anyone for ages and keep counting the months and years passing by. Sure, I have several female friends who seem to have been single since I ever met them and they do complain about it. It's hard to say why they are still single. In my opinion, some have too strong a personality and may be too independent, so they scare off men. Some are too picky or not interested in relationships in general. Some others are simply too shy, unlucky or not good-looking or feminine enough. Then again, I have seen girls that look bad (and have crappy personalities too) and they still manage to get a boyfriend, so even a girl with average looks will still find a way out of singledom.3) Another thing I found surprising is that behind appearances, many couples are not so lovey-dovey. They stay together out of convenience and don't do anything about re-igniting the lost "spark". This is the biggest mystery to me. Why make your life a nightmare and stay with someone you don't get along? The worst thing to being an involuntary celibate is to be in a miserable relationship.Take 2 female friends of mine: *Girl A just admitted that she is not in love anymore with her 4-year boyfriend. She sees him as a companion with similar hobbies and interests and not anything more (I doubt they have sex anymore). They keep breaking-up, but always get back together in the end. She told me that they are so used to each other, that it is ok to stay like that despite their differences. She also added that of all the weddings she has attended the past 3 years, only 1 out of 10 was out of pure love. All the rest were of convenience as the partners had spent a considerable amount of time together and did not consider going back to the "singles market".*Girl B has been having a succession of failed relationships. Her last one of 3 years was with some type of Russian macho man who supposedly made her miserable. She kept saying that she would dump him, she was actively looking for a new boyfriend, but she always kept back crawling at him. The guys has now moved out of the country for job reasons and they are now supposedly in a long-distance relationship. On her side, she claims it's over and she waits for him to lose his feelings for her. Yet, she doesn't have the courage to tell him that and she keeps talking with him on skype on a daily basis (while looking for a new boyfriend in the meanwhile).4) It also seems that people underestimate the importance of sexual drive in a couple's life. If the 2 partners don't have a similar sex drive, this will lead to problems 100% of the time. The starved-out partner will fell neglected and frustrated, and will also be tempted to cheat in order to meet his/her needs. With cheating comes shame on the cheater's part and loss of trust on the cheated person's part. The couple will usually grow more and more distant, making things worse. My opinion is that you cannot deprive your partner of sex for the rest of his/her life and expect that person to remain loyal because he/she is married to you. This is simply inhuman.-----------------------------This is just my 2 cents, for what they are worth. I don't know what to make of it. Maybe single people idealize relationships but they are simply not worth it in some cases. I know that if I had stayed with my ex, we would have fallen in categories 3 and 4 as explained above (the signs were already there and I was fortunate enough to see them in time).Sure, I would love to get into a relationship but I am not so much in a rush anymore after realizing all that. Being single allowed me to focus on my professional career, improve my lifestyle and social skills, reflect on things and life in general. It has been a period of self-discovery, where I observe and learn. After many (failed) dates), I also now have a better idea of the qualities I am looking in a woman. My only problem is that time plays against me (I will become 31 this summer) and I have the impression dating becomes harder and harder with age (there are also less and less social opportunities for single people as almost everyone has settled down and started having families).
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Think less, do more, have a laugh, try to hang around people who know how to enjoy the positives life has to offer, and stop finding the flaws, vacuum and reason of dissatisfaction and displeasure in other peoples life.Learn to appreciate the good things in life or else u ll waste a life which is never regained. This will bring you the joy you miss in ur life and in relationships.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): Most people just want companionship. They'll accept it on whatever terms they can find it. They do their best to find someone they feel comfortable with; or share at least a minimum of things in-common. It's not always a Hollywood portrayal of a love-affair.
Your observations as you've expressed them, border on the cusp of cynical and philosophical. Drawing many of your less optimistic conclusions on observations from reading posts on DC. I recognize them by topic and context.
These are people seeking advice or comfort. Dealing with problems with relationships, marriages, and family.
They want unbiased opinions, or confirmation of what they already know. You can't draw any broad conclusion from advice sites; that the majority of people are unhappy, or in dire situations. You're looking at an open forum designed for people to unload their problems.
Statistically, there are a lot of divorces. That is based on legal records; and compared data from national surveys. They happen for any number of reasons. For the most part, it is because most people have unrealistic perceptions about love and relationships. The difficulty people have with remaining monogamous, communicating their feelings; and unwillingness to compromise. Rampant unrealistic expectations. Expecting other people to offer us happiness; and demands for other people to remove or conceal problems we cannot fix in ourselves. Make me whole. You should already be whole; before you imprison some unsuspecting person who likes you, in a dysfunctional insecure relationship.
Then you have abuse, marriage of convenience, power-struggles, business-mergers; and shot-gun situations, involving unplanned pregnancies. Love never really has a chance to take-hold, or falters under the weight of irreconcilable differences. Or, the pretense of love.
Fond feelings for people taken out of context, and misidentified as love.
Not to omit the discoveries made about a partner that weren't apparent prior to a commitment. Although, there was a loving-relationship established prior to discovery. Stuff happens. Insecurity is always in there somewhere.
We have a lot of exposure to concepts and examples set by media; and fewer of us learn by example from our own parents and grandparents. Failures stand out more; because they scar us and they inflict trauma. Insight fear.
Young people lack real-live role-models and depend a lot on the make-believe. It's prettier and easier to swallow. People learn in the long-run that relationships start out wonderful, get intense, plateau, then they're out of the honeymoon-phase. Then they level-off.
Sparks don't really go away; people just get lazy and lack creativity. They get bored; because they over-work it. They'd rather find it with someone different. Someone that doesn't realize they lack creativity; they seem fresh only because they're unfamiliar. It's hot, because they're cheating. We men are wired to want multiple partners, and many like porn. Women will never really understand that. So it creates dissension and distrust. Some tough it out, some are just cool like that, and know the extent of her hotness. Men can't phase her. She'll replace you first.
You have people who claim their relationships get better and better. That means they are flexible and willing to put forth the effort to grow and support each other. Not that it's always a honeymoon. Often it means one is always right, and the other is always submissive.
Now about you.
You have problems connecting with women; because I think you scare women. They scare you.
I speculate that you expect an enthusiastic reception; or their immediate approval. When you don't get it, you get immediately discouraged or uncomfortable. You anticipate rejection; if a woman is caught off-guard by your quirks or spooks from your nervous approach. I find that to be the number one reason some guys have trouble getting a woman.
That, and inherent awkwardness for the lack of natural swagger. No game. Stiff and clumsy. You say your friends say they can't figure it out. I think they're being kind to not crush your self-esteem, or break your confidence.
I've seen some guys put more passion into video-gaming than making a pass at a woman. They prefer safety behind a device, over personal-interaction. Looking a woman in the eyes is unsettling. If she's trusting, you fear disappointing her. If she skeptical, you fear her scorn.
It's hard to tell a nice guy he is just too homely and/or weird. It takes a really special type of woman to be attracted to them. They usually don't like that type. So they avoid them. They may get so off-put by the rejection of ladies out of their league; they get gun-shy and give up altogether. We're all attracted to exceptionally-attractive people; just out of our reach. We sometimes succeed. Nothing ventured nothing gained. You don't just give-up in defeat; because some conceited beauty-queen wrinkled her nose, or rolled her eyes.
Don't get it twisted. You aren't "settling" to adjust your sights on someone more within your own level of attractiveness. Less focus on superficial-appeal; and more focus on personality and substance. With appreciation for a more subdued-type of beauty or good-looks. Uniqueness and
good-spirit. I've gotten a lot of dates these past few months following a breakup last year. It has been great!
I've learned a lot, and know what I'm talking about.
I've known guys that reject women who like them; assuming there must be something wrong with her; because most women reject him. They are so busy chasing fantasy girls, they don't know a real one if she grabbed him by the dick.
There is also the "latent-homosexual." This term isn't used anymore. I just like the way it sounds. It's just a guy who thinks he likes women; but for the life of him, he can't figure out why they repulse him.
He finds every excuse he can, not to be intimate with a woman. Treating them like china-dolls, placing them up on a pedestal; or saving his "virginity" for marriage.
He's overly-polite to women, and goes overboard being romantic, but never sexual. Truth be told, the thought of touching or seeing a vagina; terrifies him beyond the imagination. Women just get frustrated in-spite of all his romantic gestures. They poke fun at him. Then dump him.
They may even friend-zone him; and introduce him to a gay friend, and drag him out of the closet.
There are women (secret lesbians) who just claim they are asexual. They don't need sex. Men touch them and there's no response. That is a convenient excuse never to be touched by a man, stay close to women; and never be detected. They just love their best female-friend beyond words. Inseparable; until the friend finds a man; but he's never the right guy according to her opinion. So she retreats to her apartment full of cats, in bitterness. Claiming men to be the scourge and curse on womankind. Yet she never really had a boyfriend.
You are dealing with human-nature here. So not being robots; you cannot program us and predict what the outcome of a relationship will be. If you strand two people who hate each other together on an island; they'll form a relationship. Gender may not matter.
As long as we realize we have choices; we may not find it that hard to let go, and search for another. Not if you read a dozen posts from people in the midst of suffering on DC; but everyone eventually reaches this conclusion. It's just hard to conceive when your heart is broken by someone you truly care for.
There is the ridiculous media-created concept of "soul-mates" or "only ones." This junk stifles the ability of people to move on after failed relationships. So they cling desperately to someone who doesn't want them; or they nearly die of unrequited love for people who wish they'd just vanish off the planet.
People get caught-up in types. Repeatedly connecting with the same kind of man or woman, carbon-copies, clones; and wind up wondering why they always get the same negative results. Duh?!!!
Some are drama-queens and drama-kings; and just like rolling in pity and swimming in sympathy. So they search for losers and bask in pity when they're treated badly.
That way, they aren't accountable for their own faults and weaknesses. They're always victims. Never owning any blame for failure in their relationships. Always dodging any responsibility.
"Voluntary long-distance relationships" are for those who like pining and dramatizing over a distance. It's easier than dealing with a real-life relationship; that requires you to face your fears. Personally observing and experiencing the other person's faults up-close; and exposing your own. They can't closely evaluate you or judge you. You can always present a doctored or flawless image.
Create an imaginary character they'll always wish to meet.
Hoping the feeling of desire lasts; because distance keeps them always missing and wanting to be with you. Some can survive on that fantasy; but one of the two will wake-up, and decide they need sex and affection. There is no substitute for the warmth of a body. Not just someone's image on a screen, a string of sappy messages, and a ton of Instagrams.
We need in-person interaction to reinforce our feelings for each other. Shared time and space. So one partner end's up getting a real girlfriend or boyfriend; and fading away to silence. The other is left pining and grieving. Or a tortured-soul suspicious their imaginary-lover is always cheating; and 99.999% of the time, they are. Even if they aren't, if you had a real-life girlfriend or boyfriend, you could spend more time enjoying being with them. Instead of pining and worrying.
People have to also understand that relationships are not always fun and romantic. They get stressed and difficult to be in. People do have to disagree. They also have to know how to communicate their displeasure,disappointment, or pain; without letting anger and emotion override the point they're trying to convey. They're too busy trying to punish their partner, or they always have to be right.
You don't agree to disagree, you solve the problem so it doesn't comeback. Most people are too stubborn to do that. So they sweep it under the rug; until they have a lumpy rug. Everywhere they step, there's a bump. They stumble allover these bumps; instead of ironing out each issue one item at a time. Who has that kind of patience these days?
Forgiveness is either too quickly handed to the unworthy; or withheld to use as a weapon, or tool of punishment.
It's easier to deny there is a problem. Pretend for the sake of appearance, or to keep the peace. Until you kill each-other. That's immaturity. Time and experience sometimes helps to resolve this issue.
Technology and social media prevail in the lifestyles of most people nowadays; so maybe the important elements of patience and communication is starting to decline. People used to be forced into marriage; because their sexual-orientation came into question. If they didn't marry and have children by the time they were 25; people assumed you were gay, if you're a guy. Just some pitiful frigid old-maid; if you were a female. Men preferred to marry perky young women; almost girls, many years younger. Even when they were disgustingly old!
So there was a time when many women married the first guy who asked, or accepted a proposal; because a guy made a good-living and could provide well for a family. He's a good catch! Money compensated for their unhappiness, or the absence of love. That aspect may have lingered into modern-society. When you speak of marriage of convenience. Feelings can still develop over the years. As in arranged-marriages for the privileged; or by ethnic tradition or custom.
For women who are independent, not so. They get what they want; or survive without it. They're happy just the same.
Not to say careers compensate for love. I mean women who don't need a man to make them feel validated or complete as a woman. They feel their equality, know their power, and support their end of a relationship. They know when to bailout and start over. They don't give up; because they know what they're worth. Smart guys snap them up the minute they find them. Fools are in for a reckoning; if they get in their way. You rarely hear these women complaining. They know when to put out the trash.
There are the sad few who feel they won't get married and have children before they're in their 30's. It's harder for the body to rebound to its original configuration having children in your late 30's, or early 40's. So they feel under pressure to hang-on to any guy willing to stick around and commit. They actually convince themselves they have feelings for him.
Well, according to the concepts by which they were brought up on, they do. Take him or leave him. It's better than being alone and having nobody. Watching all your girlfriends get married; or snuggling with a man in-front of you. Rubbing it in that you're alone and single. That's all for your benefit. He thinks she's crazy, but goes along with it. It reminds me of an episode on Jerry Seinfeld; when Elaine was at a party. There was a woman who kept talking about her fiance'. Repetitively announcing the word, or making reference to his existence, whereabouts, and the fact she was engaged. She annoyed Elaine by constantly evoking the fact she had a fiance'; until Elaine said he escaped the party without her.
You are judging relationships from the outside looking in.
People form their commitment based on their needs that are met, and they won't always make a perfect match. In fact; they shouldn't. You think they are replacing girlfriends or boyfriends quickly; not really. They are going through a series of trial relationships until they can find one that fits. They need someone to take care of them; or someone to take care of.
They don't give up, and they often learn as they go. They even recycle some old relationships out of desperation.
They just don't give-in to a few failures. You don't know all the details, only what you see.
Codependency often keeps these people together; but they also do have some measure of affection. You can't analyze feelings like you analyze the symptoms of an illness or disease. Many are as unhealthy as you suspect. They are forced; and the couple struggles to keep it intact.
Love and affection comes in degrees, and it fluctuates. It can be intense one moment, and indifferent the next.
Diseases at least have consistency by symptoms that are predictable and characteristic of a particular malady. They can be diagnosed by identifiable signs; often visible to the eye, or detectible by testing. A rash, redness, swelling, fever, changes in behavior; or something. People can't see when their relationships are suffering, or refuse to.
Love is not so detectible on the surface, and can often be hidden-away. You say they don't seem all that happy? They are used to being in each others company. You're expecting movie-like displays of affection, or PDOA like when they first met. That tapers off. They have their moments.
You seem to define a lot of your friend's relationships in negative-terms. Life is not that malignant. People conduct their private lives quite differently from what you may observe in public. They may fight, but this is how some couples blow off steam and peak their passions. Air their differences; and reinforce their opinions.
Fights are destructive when the couple doesn't recognize they are incompatible, inflexible, cruel, and never can resolve a disagreement. Every stupid petty little thing sets them off. They're scared for others to see them fail; so they hold-out until it explodes. Some people breakup as two people; and some fly apart in pieces and fragments.
So don't be so quick to judge. If they are young and single, they should experience a series of trial relationships; until they finally settle happily and willingly into one. If it doesn't work-out, they will likely separate. Sometimes comeback together; until they realize it's stupid.
Monogamous people prefer one on one or exclusive relationships over serial-dating. They want the whole nine-yards. If it doesn't last very long. They're getting something out of that relationship. Most certainly,yes! They may become quite content and complacent. They know that most of their problems can be worked-out, and they are tolerant of each others quirks and flaws. Even if the love between them isn't apparent to onlookers.
Lovey-dovey couples always making-out for all to see doesn't mean squat. They're just a couple of horny people showing-off, and getting-off on being watched. Caught up in Hollywood portrayals of scenes by a fountain in Rome; or a bridge in Paris. Lah-lah land romances breakup hard. Dream romances are delusional; and delusional people are usually a little off.
Drop your cynicism. It is hampering your finding someone that may be right for you; but you're too busy filing and pigeon-holing other couples into categories, and may be overlooking the match best for you. Concentrating on them, and not yourself. Your relationships are based on what you and another person mean to each other. Not what others go through.
Stay open-minded, and keep flirting. Stop thinking you know the outcome before you even make a connection with a female.
You still need romance; even if you have lots of friends. It doesn't always have to grow into a full-fledged long-term relationship. It could be brief and fulfilling for as long as it lasts. It may only be fresh and delicious until it reaches it's expiration-date. I had one of those.
What good is all that work you're doing to make yourself better; if you don't get rewarded by someone who appreciates the results? Try it out, experiment. See if the ladies notice any changes. Always be a work in progress.
No one ever reaches perfection, and no relationship is perfect. Set realistic expectations, don't surrender to pessimism. Your outlook is being based on the past; not the present, or your future. You haven't been in a relationship for awhile. So how do you know?
Stop making up excuses and pretending you're always happy being alone. That's only until you find someone else to share your time and feelings with. You wrote and expressed far too much that says that isn't the case. You still sound
as though you've given up. Don't rationalize. Challenge yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): You have a decently reasonable pessimistic view on relationships. Does that answer your question as stated in the title of your post (which is more of a rant)?
It doesn't seem like you're here to change your outlook on dating or marriage. You kind of hint at it, but then revert back to being critical and gloomy. Maybe if you were less observant of other people's love lives, you could have your own. Your words alone make you unappealing.
"My opinion is that you cannot deprive your partner of sex for the rest of his/her life and expect that person to remain loyal because he/she is married to you. This is simply inhuman."
Inhuman? Really?
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