A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why was this cAfe server laughing at me?Ordered a coffee from a mall cafe 3 weeks earlier.. I ordered a Coffee and a small cookie,( the same order I ordered 3 weeks ago) Same server. Whilst ordering she began laughing at me saying “you like your Cooke” and stAring and laughing. I felt mocked and laughed at, I don’t always have a cookie.. just these times. I’m female I gave her a cold unsmiling look and nearly lost my temper, But didn’t.. Was she rude? Felt laughed at and if I could would have ripped her to shreds and yell at her but let it go. Won’t go there again.. Why did she laugh and embarass and humiliate me in front of other customers?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 January 2018):
 OP I don't think you are unhappy with the waitress if I had to guess it sounds like you are unhappy with yourself and your life and you have a lot off built up anger. If you need to talk to anyone or share a problem we are all here, there is also a button to private mail agony aunts. I think there is a lot more to you feeling humiliated than you have told us.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (23 January 2018):
 So why do you see buying/liking a cookie as something bad? Cookies are offered for customers to buy to accompany their beverage. That is the whole idea of having them on show. There is nothing wrong with buying one.
Reading between the lines, are you perhaps overweight and felt the comment made by the server actually meant "you look like you eat a lot of cookies"? If so, that is a different scenario completely.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2018):
 Do you often feel mocked or laughed at? I’m not asking to mock or laugh. I’m asking because your question and the age you list suggest you might have trouble decoding people’s intentions.
What did your friends and family think about what happened? Or if you didn’t ask them, your best friend?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 January 2018):
 You "sound" outrageously sensitive.... beyond anything that is necessary.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): Do you feel that you have a weight problem and that is why you feel she was laughing?I am just wondering because I am trying to understand why you think she was mocking you. It could have been that a) she was just trying to make conversation and be friendly or b) that she truly was mocking you. Mean people mock, and there are a lot of mean people out there. It happens, more often than you would think in life. So my advice? If you truly feel she was laughing don't go back there and buy elsewhere. It is none of her business how many cookies you do or don't eat and there is nothing wrong with having a cookie and coffee. Or alternately you could ask her why she felt that was funny (but perhaps should have been done at the time).
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (22 January 2018):
This sounds like she was being friendly. And you are overreacting massively.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I think she was unprofessional and being too familiar. There's a proper way to address a customer, and I think she overstepped. It was the context and delivery. To laugh and stare constitutes mockery. Your reaction not to smile was justified and adequate. To lose your temper would have been too much.
Consider her age and the fact she needs her job. I think she learned her lesson when you gave her "stone-face" and didn't smile, or return the laughter. To be upset hours later is a bit touchy, don't you think?
Try to be lenient and flexible with servers when in less formal places or relaxed-settings. Good-service is more important.
I think she was teasing and being playful; but forgot her place. It all depends on how you take it.
To have gotten too upset would have shown immaturity, snobbishness; and would have been somewhat beneath your dignity for something so petty. After-all, she's handling your food and talks to the other servers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2018):
 I forgot to add, NO ONE can MAKE you feel something you don't want to feel.
Now someone might TRY and humiliate you, but it's ENTIRELY up to you if you wish to react to it or not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 January 2018):
I agree with Cindy too.
Some American in the service industry tries a just a "little" too hard to be "friendly", "charming" and/or "witty" hoping to either gain a better tip, or smile, or chat/conversation out of a customer.
My guess is she was trying to be "cheerful" not hurtful. And my second guess is that YOU read more into little gestures than is really there.
What would be the point in her humiliating you?
She might lose a customer, she might get a complaint and depending on her boss she could be fired. So really, there is no POINT for her to do so.
But, you feel what you feel, so my advice? Don't buy coffee & a cookie there any more, go elsewhere. If you actually think she was humiliating you, don't spend money there.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 January 2018):
 I think you are overreacting and that you probably misunderstood the intent of the server's comment.
There's a big difference between smiling at someone and laughing at them; your server was probably trying to give you some "service with a smile ". Her comment sounds totally mild and benign anyway. She probably wanted you to be impressed by her ability to recall your last order of 3 weeks ago- no wonder, in a place where most of a waiter's wage is made of your tips, waiters are inclined to try and " sing for their supper " ( or for their tip ) even when it's not appropriate or necessary. But even if we had to take her comment literally... so what ? Suppose you DO love cookies - there's nothing wrong or laughable with that, and nothing humiliating for you in having someone remarking on it.
I want to add that, at least in USA , waitstaff is at times inclined to overdo with this " service with a smile " concept and acts in a way that , to a foreigner like me, feels a bit too confidential, although well meant. I remember that at first I used to be startled by being greeted in a restaurant with a " I love your hair colour " or " Nice shoes you've got ", or by the server cracking a joke and laughing WITH the patrons , because , well, it's not done in my country, unless it's really a dive bar or a truck drivers' pit stop.
But, you know what ?, pretty soon I got used to it and came to appreciate it. A smile is a good thing, better a smile more than one less- and better being waited on by someone who errs on the side of being cheerful and chummy than by someone who is frosty or grumpy .
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (22 January 2018):
 It's possible she she didn't mean much by it, or it could be that she saw you as an easy target. Your letter doesn't exactly spell out the details of the event but what I do get from it is how responsive you are to the words and actions of others.Regardless or whether or not she wanted to mock you, you allowed your feels to take over. Thankfully you didn't start an argument with her, but it seems you did with yourself. You've expressed coldness, insecurity, embarrassment and humiliation all due to one single comment which you allowed to spiral in your head. Don't allow others to have that sort of power over you or they will play you like a puppet.Let go of what you think this woman may have done to wrong you and move on with life. Work on controlling your emotions and the power you allow others to have over you. I think one of the best ways to start would be to go back and order your coffee and cookie again and enjoy the day. Who cares what anyone else thinks?All the best.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2014 +, writes (22 January 2018):
It doesn't look like she was humiliating you. It possible that she was laughing about something entirely different and continued her laughter while she was interacting with you too. Or maybe she was bit off key that day (smoked whatever-you never know). But she remembered your order still. On your part maybe you were on your bad hair day maybe (i get angry for utterly random things when I am nearing my periods). I am not brushing off your suspicion that she was making fun of you but I am concerned that you let this little incident affect you so much. Also if you are really concerned about this incident, you might have a harder time deleting it from your memory rather than dealing with it head on. (I know this from personal experience- I have these same issues :P)Go to the same cafe the next time you are at the mall. Order the usual. If she starts laughing try to use sarcasm or humor to diffuse the situation instead of feeling angry. If she gives the same reaction, I suggest you take the lead in making fun of her. Say something like: " Yes of course! Its the usual, Coffee+ Small cookies, big stares and smiles from my favorite server," Make sure you smile broadly with a nice knowing twinkle in your eyes. It never fails to work ;) :D. If she doesnt give that embarassing reaction again ( Iam kinda 95% sure she wont react the same way) just let her be, maybe you were a reason for her to smile or laugh in her otherwise mundane day.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (22 January 2018):
Who knows man? Were your flies down? Did you have a goofy T shirt on? Had her co-worker just said something funny to her? There is no way to tell if a) she was laughing at you or something else had set her off or b) whether it was her intention for you to feel humiliated.Personally I'm guessing no. There is nothing intrinsically funny about your order so I feel if I was in the same position i'd just shrug it off because I'm secure enough in myself to know if someone laughs unexpectedly it's unlikely to be me they are laughing at and, if it is, (for instance I left the house without looking in the mirror and my hair looks like I've been electrocuted) it's a person whose opinion I do not care about.It's not really important why the server was laughing, what matters is your reaction to it. In modern life people will occasionally be unkind to all of us. We must learn to shrug off these minor unpleasant events and get on with our lives or they will consume us as this event has when you can't even be sure what happened.You are ruminating over nothing. This wasn't the opinion of someone you care about, it was a stranger. Focus on people you care about and if you can only expend emotional energy on the important people in your life. If this person was truly to be unkind,you are doing her work for her by feeling bad for hours even days! More than likely if you are an anxious person she may have picked up on something from you that made her nervous, she may have responded with a nervous laugh.All of these scenarios are more likely than a stranger trying to humiliate you.
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