A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I'm a 25yr old Female. I have been with my bf for 6yrs now.both of us studied in the same uni where we met through common friends.A year later we moved in together.we have had few ups and downs but he has been an amazing bf through out. About two years back he completed his degree and moved into a new city which is like 2hrs from where i stay.we usually meet once a month or once in two months.sometimes i go and stay at his place for a few days.sometimes he comes here to see me.this is the 1st relationship for both of us.he had liked a girl before he met me.he never discusses his past.i came to know about it from his best friend who is pretty much like a brother to me.it bothered me a little that he never mentioned that he liked her.i didnt not want to drag the matter and get into a fightso i tried to forget it.about 4 months back i went to stay with him for a week.he had night shift during that time and he left his laptop with me so that i could watch some movies he had downloaded.i was bored so i was just going through his files when i came across some porn videos he had downloaded.i was so shocked and hurt because i never thought he would watch porn.we both are virgins.i want to wait till i get married to lose my virginity.he didnt mind losing his but when i told him about my decision he respected it and told he could wait.we indulge in kissing and oral sex and stuff.so when i found out about porn i immediately called him and asked what it meant.initially he became defensive by telling all his friends watch porn, you never told me not to watch n stuff.i told i dont care about his friends.i never asked him cz i blindly believed that he wouldnt watch porn.later in the night he started sending me msgs saying how sorry he was and that he would never watch them again.i cried a lot.everything became okay next day when he came home.he apologized and said he would not do it again.when i came back to my place i was still upset.so i called him.it lead to a huge fight and we broke up.we did not speak to him for 3months. Then came my birthday.he wished me and we started to msg each other.everyday we msg each other 4 to 5 times.i still have feelings for him.but i still cant get rid of the porn thing.also my parents are searching a guy for me.i told him to tell his parents.he is not doing that either.my parents want me to get married in 2014 but he is telling he needs to settle down 1st before getting married.he is saying maybe after 2015.my parents wont let me wait till then.we are from very conventional family backgrounds and our parents are not at all cool about relationships.also we are from different countries. I dont know what to do.should i sacrifice everything and go with this guy? My parents love me alot.im their only daughter.he is an amazing person.he loves me a lot and cares for me deeply. Once u found some scraps he had sent to a girl who used to like him a lot, asking for her no.he had even given his email address.he had had deleted the scraps from his accounts.i found out when i was going through her profile.when i asked him he just said he wanted to ask why she had spread rumours about him asking her out when they were in 1st year.that happened long time back.when i found out about it they were both out of college and that girl was having a guy.when i asked why he deleted the scraps from his account he said he didnt want me to see them because i would have made a big deal out of it.i really dont understand what to do.i cant forget this incident and that porn thing. Pls help! Am i just over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): Can I just tell anyone who reads this and to the OP if you don't like your partner using porn tell them at the beginning, so then if you catch them you can say I told you I didn't like that!!!! My ex boyfriend didn't realise how secondary I felt to it and that was the end of that one.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (28 October 2012):
Perhaps there have been major gaps in the amount of time the two of you have spent with each other. When couples spend time away from each other, past horrors or insecurities can creep up and it can affect us. It seems like he has had unresolved issues.
I'm not sure what to say about the porn situation. I would be surprised if I opened ANY man's laptop and didn't find porn...just saying. I understand that he lied about it but porn isn't exactly a conversation starter..."Oh hey babe by the way, I watch porn"..yeah I don't really see it happening especially when he already seems like the type of man who can't admit his past with unresolved issues.
With your current situation, you need some time for yourself to calm your mind. You seem very lost and unsure and I think this is the best advice I can give you. Without a clear mind , telling you what you should or should not do will not make any sense. Six years is a long time so maybe he needs some time as well so that he can clear his own mind.
Perhaps in time the right answer will come to you and you can make the right choice for yourself. In my island it is rare for indians to have arranged marriages so it is not something we have to worry about, but ofc we still feel pressure from our parents. Same some time for yourself and do some relaxing things outside. It will help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): I dont want you to get a wrong picture of him.the 6 years we spent togther was amazing. We were happy with each other.he was an engineering student so knew nothing about medicine subjects.yet he would sit with me through out the night before my exams and teach me.he would make notes for me,prepare small tests etc. He even used to feed me most of the time at home. He was such a hopeless romantic. Our friends used to envy us. We were the perfect couple. I dont know how things went so wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): Thank you all for the advices. Well i have to add that he knew that i have always been disgusted with guys watching porn while they are in a serious relationships. I am a doctor and im aware that its normal for guys to watch porn especially when they are young. I just cant understand why he hid it from me all this while. He has always been someone who doesnt show much interest in girls. When i asked him about his previous gfs and crushes he just shrugged it off.and the girl he used to like is a family friend and still meets him on family occasions.he even had told about me to her.funny part is he was quiet upset that day.he was angry with me for no reason.he was expecting me to tell my cousins about him just cz he had done so.i couldnt cz i have never been close to my dad's family and cousins from my mum's family are just too young.i told everything about my past.i too liked a family friend.he was my 1st crush.i never had strong feelings for him.it was just a crush.then i told about the crush i had on my basketball coach.i was just 14 or 15. Everybody had a crush on him. My guy took all these way too seriously.talk about me over reacting.we used to fight and fight until i'd end up crying my eyes out.i used to think i was the worst gf ever.until i found about that girl.he had even sent scraps to one of her friends telling how he wanted to talk to that girl cz he was still having feelings for her.this had happened before we got into a relationship.about marriage issue, we have talked about it a million times.what we wanted,how we wanted it to be,who would be our bridesmaids etc.now i feel he is suddenly backing off.he got into a great job a year ago and i understand that he needs time to settle down.but why does he need another 3years for that?maybe im not a good gf.but i loved him truly. I have compromised in many situations. I would do anything for him.as i told you he has always been so supportive n loving n caring.he has done so many wonderful things for me. He is a great guy. But i dont understand this side of him.if he had talked about porn with me just casually i would have reacted differently.i understand that he gets no sex whatsoever from me.so he's bound to do such things.i have asked him whether he masturbates when he is alone,believe me i have wanted him to, he always said no.why did he hide these things from me? Im so lost.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Yeah, Dear Mandy, this is 2012, ... but the OP is from India and in India in 2012 , still a large majority of all marriages are arranged marriages, and I don't mean forced ( some times that too ) , just arranged . It used to be that ALL marriages were arranged until not too many decades ago, things are changing for Indian women, but slowly. Curiously enough they are changimg more and faster in the workplace ( more working women, more women in positions of authority etc.. ) that in the domestic sphere. Which sort of makes sense if you think that , at least in Hindu society, a marriage is not just the union between two persons , but the union between two families.
I get the feeling, OP, that you may be worrying all for nothing... It does not sound as your family was aware that you are dating this guy, and that he has offered himself as a possible candidate ... so I guess it was not a future oriented r/ship to begin with, also considering his plans for the future are still vague ( " maybe after 2015 )...maybe you just took it a day at the time and then " we'll see what happens "... not that there is anything wrong with this approach, but I don't know why, I get the impression that you know you won't wait for him and you won't stand up to your parents for this particular guy.
So, if this is the case, his porn watching is a moot point. If you have to part ways , might as well let him do what he wants for a little while more...
In case I am wrong, as it is surely possible, and you DO want to fight for this guy, yes, I'd say too you are overreacting a bit. I am no big fan of porn myself , mind you, then again you had never openly said " porn is a total dealbreaker ", so probably he was in good faith and did not imagine you'd feel so strongly against it. Plus, well, a guy that can only see his gf once a month or even less... he must have used it as a masturbation aid for his self pleasuring sessions, I hope you are not also against masturbation, poor kid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): he had liked a girl before he met me - irrelevant.we usually meet once a month or once in two months - he is obviously going to get horny. He probably hasn't got much to think about during if you don't do much sexually hence the porn.you never told me not to watch n stuff - that's a new one on me don't think i've been spun that line before.we both are virgins - he is obviously going to be interested in watching sex.he started sending me msgs saying how sorry he was and that he would never watch them again - at least you got this reaction i didn't get this.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (27 October 2012):
 Talk about over reacting!! I know there's no point asking this now, but what the hell were you thinking? You're like Hitler with this guy!! Why did you go around snooping into his computer? Yes, you did snoop and it was wrong. You found porn and hell broke loose. You know what, as much as I dislike porn myself, its something that I've grown to accept regarding guys. Guys watch porn. They masturbate to porn. They have been doing it since there was visual stimulation available and they will continue to do it till the end of time. But as long as porn doesn't interfere with your relationship and its not an addiction, you have to learn to accept it. Try not to be so one dimensional about everything OP, you have to be slightly flexible about everything in life.
If you dislike porn so much and it is a deal breaker for you, then stop all the dilly dallying and just walk out. Plain and simple. Why complicate things so much?
Secondly, the issue over him liking some girl before he met you. I mean, come ON!! Do you really live in some parallel universe where you think you're the only girl for him? Of course he's looked at girls before you and has had crushes, its only normal. If someone said that they didn't, they would be lying. Stop making such an enormous issue about it. And realize that its because of your attitude that he doesn't share his past with you, because he's seen your reactions and has decided that its better to keep shut than have a mature discussion because clearly you're not capable of one.
Unfortunately you don't seem very compatible with each other and marriage may not be the best idea. You are way too uptight and regimented and you seem to have very firm ideas and are living in a water tight box. I've said it before and I'm saying it again. Figure out your deal breakers. If porn is a deal breaker, then don't even consider a relationship with him because the porn issue will always bother you. If you think you should be with a guy who hasn't looked at a female apart from you, then good luck finding one. Apparently that too is a major issue with you.
As of now, take some time off and sort out your own insecurities. Yes, you do have insecurities and lots of them and you need to work on yourself first, before committing to a relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 About 60% of women don't want porn in their relationship and about 25% think it is equivalent to cheating, so you aren't alone. I personally find porn unacceptable in a relationship.
That said, he sounds truly sorry and in his defense, you never did specify you did not want porn in your relationship. In this day and age, porn is generally a given unless otherwise stated, so he probably genuinely did not know it would bother you.
If you truly love him and want to be with him, I don't see why it wouldn't be worth it. But if you can't get past it, then move on and specify this at the beginning of your next relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): I personally believe your reaction to the porn thing was over the top, 3 month break up even though he apologised and promised not to do it again, but that's just an opinion and my values are obviously very different to yours. To me a guy using porn to get off when he only sees his girlfriend once a month is quite normal.
OP you and this guy are not meant to be together and no you will not get over the porn thing because even though he said sorry and he wouldn't do it again you broke up for three months over it. OP it's simple you don't trust this guy, you're overbearing and you don't stop snooping, you snooped his computer "while bored" and you're snooping this other girls accounts and snooping through his stuff. He has no trust from you and he has no freedom. So what if he liked other girls before you? You really think you should be the only girl he has ever liked or been attracted to? You're watching every move he makes and grilling him on everything. Guess what OP you were broken up, if he decided to go see other girls then he was free to do so. The fact he won't talk about his past tells me he doesn't feel he can open up to you because he's afraid of your reaction.
I think you sound very insecure and controlling OP. Now the porn thing is a matter of opinion, if that's how you feel about it then there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, many people do. But being paranoid that he liked a girl before he even got with you, snooping through his things, giving him crap about asking for her number when you were broken up, that's all too much in my opinion. Too much in the sense that you're obviously not comfortable being with him enough to relax, you don't trust him and that means you really don't have a relationship. Once in a month or two months is not a relationship OP, that's a nothing, there's absolutely no closeness, or intimacy in that kind of arrangement.
So should you stay with and marry a guy that you don't trust, can't handle the fact he liked other women before you, has watched porn, has had to break up for three months and who you actually have to ask his friends if you want to know anything about him because he won't open up to you, after six years? No OP. This is not the basis of a good marriage and it's not going to change or get better.
You quite simply don't have the very basic foundations of a good marriage with this guy. You've had a 6 year dry run and failed miserably and frankly OP you both are equally to blame for that but if you ask me you're far too highly strung in this relationship. He literally can't breath and has to thread on egg shells about everything.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (27 October 2012):
 HI
Firstly he trusted you enough to leave his computer with you so you could watch movies ( not snoop into his private files) secondly many men look at porn, and if he is still a virgin as are you it's no wonder why. He has to have some outlet, men are wired different from women. Not that I agree with porn myself, I find it degrading, however he didn't cheat on you he merely had some porn movie or pictures whilst he was away from you. I think have definately over reacted here. But what worries me more is that your going to allow your parents to FIND you a man whom you will probaly know nothing about just to make THEM happy that you can be married and start a family. This is 2012 womens rights came in a long time ago. Go with your heart not what your going to be made to do. This guy sounds like he really loves you, is it worth giving something up JUST over a silly little movie?? if so then I fear your the one who actually wants out so you can please your parents. Only YOU can make the decision of your life!
Good luck
Mandy x
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