A
male
age
51-59,
*ustsit
writes:Hi there,I wonder if you can help me a little further. I am fundamentally unable to deal with mood swings from my wife. They are rare and for the majority of the time we’re absolutely fine. Then suddenly, out of the blue she will descend into what feels like an egocentric hole offering no affection or attention to our relationship - and sex simply disappears. I get the back in bed, no ‘Goodnight’ no ‘good morning’ …nothing….gone! This will last for a few weeks at a time.If I try to talk to her about it I get accused on being ‘over dramatic’ or she will say “…gawd, why do you have to make everything such a big deal…”. I am afraid its going to affect our marriage more than she is aware. I am more scared that I will do something that would instigate a break up that I will massively regret afterwards – but that’s how I feel when in this situation. The other bit of fallout is I end up filled with a sense of resentment – how DARE she treat me like this when I have done sooooo much for her in the past. Like it or not that bitterness is there too when she walls her self inside like this. She also is more than adept at giving the impression she doesn’t care much……maybe she doesn’t I am not sure anymore. Am I over-reacting? Should I 'Man Up' and be some sort of strong silent type....? :(If it helps, I am 52 her 42 and we have a 4 year old boy and her 17yo Stepson – I have been as close as a father to him as you can get. We’re solvent and have few money problems. Been married for 5 years and both married before.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): Apparently you both need to attend counseling sessions together in order to deal with your marital-problems and issues with anxiety. Two emotionally-unhealthy people may have a lot of hurdles to overcome before you can have a functional and thriving marriage.
I don't think the lack of backbone is the problem. Standing-up to your wife will not make her snap-out of her mental-health issues, that are probably complicated by you having your own attachment anxiety issues.
You need to address your leftover emotions from that bad breakup you mentioned; if you'd go through pure hell with a toxic wife, to avoid a divorce.
A
male
reader, justsit +, writes (6 October 2017):
justsit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. As a point if fact she does suffer from Anxiety....sometimes she's really quick to tears. The fear I experience is as a result of a powerfully painful reaction I had some time ago to a break up with someone else. I am fearful of ending up back there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2017): It sounds like menopausal mood-swings. If she was a single-mother at the time you first met; maybe she was struggling, and looking for a father to help raise her 12 year-old son at the time. You seem of solid character, good-natured, fatherly, and financially-secure. You're a "good-catch," some would say.
Look back during your courtship. Was she reserved, closed-off, and not very receptive romantically? Did your love-life slowly fizzle-out, or come to an abrupt halt? You left out so much; we can only make presumptions and speculations that may be unfair. We need to know basically if your marriage suddenly shifted; or if you married her, because you wanted her so badly you overlooked her bad-points? Now she's showing her true-colors, and you don't know what do. Maybe your age was once no problem, but now it is.
I wouldn't rule-out something you've done recently, or in the past, that she's thoroughly pissed-off about.
No exes, no porn, and no creepy sexual-fetishes that she stumbled upon? I'm feeling you're withholding details; or holding something back? People may do that to avoid being judged. It takes judgement to give good advice. We need facts and details. What's the backstory?
If this is really about not getting sex; and you're on the brink of cheating. Please don't waste our time. Reminding her what you've done for her when you want sex; is like propositioning a prostitute. That will enrage a woman like you wouldn't believe! I'm just covering all bases here!
You say you don't want to do anything to instigate a breakup? Well, it seems she doesn't mind being nasty and abusive. How long can you endure that? Has she been showing interest in another man that you are suspicious of?
If this change suddenly comes and goes, it surely seems hormonal; or perhaps a matter of her mental-health.
I try to look at both sides of the situation; and see it from different angles. Only to be fair.
If she's a perfectionist, disciplined, demanding, and has a very assertive-personality; she is likely to be cross with you, when you seem slow or uncoordinated. She needs someone who makes her feel she's not carrying the load alone.
Maybe you have spoiled her by trying too hard to please her. Going overboard by attempting to be everything she wants you to be. Sometimes, women want to see you "take-charge." Show strength and confidence. Resist a little when she walks all over you. Not to be confused with being overly-aggressive, or a brute. Just be a little tougher, and be the man in the marriage. Dancing on eggshells to avoid making her angry, will make her angry. No one likes to be treated like they're crazy or fragile. Acting as though you're walking on a mine-field around her.
When she speaks down to you, firmly suggest she change her tone. If she hurls insults or resorts to emasculating remarks; suggest she show some dignity and class. Anyone can be repugnant and abrasive. You expect better of her! Especially around the children! They mimic what they see!
Let her know you've seen too much of that side of her lately, and you insist she stop! Mention maybe she should see the doctor to find-out what's going on that's making her so erratic and cranky. You don't understand why she behaves in such a way, and you're doing your best. I think you might know more than you're telling. I'll give you benefit of the doubt. I'm not being snarky or impudent, sir. I have to be direct.
Simply inform your wife you've had enough, and talking doesn't seem to help. Being a nice gentleman all the time makes her feel you're looking down your nose at her. It rubs her the wrong way. She pushes your buttons; because she's always the bad-guy; and you're always Mr. Nice-guy! It does get annoying to people! They'll try to rattle you when you do that. Back her up when she disciplines the kids. Don't go behind her and be the good-parent. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!" Never ever do that!
She probably can't explain herself; because when it's menopausal, she can't help it. If she's exhausted and doesn't get enough rest, or you never take vacations; pressure and stress builds-up. Make one little mistake, and she'll go ballistic! The way you describe it, she's not being herself; but you've given sketchy information.
If she doesn't say good morning...say good morning anyway. Repeat it until you get a response. Do it every damned day; until you modify her behavior to give a pleasant response at the start of the day. You can't remake people, or tell them what to do. You can modify their behavior. Kissing her ass all day is going to turn into resentment. You'll lose it!
Practice being a stronger presence in your household. Show authority and decisiveness. When she barks at you, tell her "enough of that!" Each and every-time. Show her who has the testosterone in the house. She can't be the man. She will, if you won't! Your balls should be in your sack, not in her purse!
I seriously suggest that you ask your wife to get a thorough medical-evaluation. She may be suffering from the onset of mental-illness. Chemical-imbalances in the brain can occur at any age. Mood-swings can even be attributed to side-affects from her birth-control prescription.
Being afraid of your wife isn't very manly, my dear sir. Why would it destroy your marriage if your had a serious talk regarding her abrasive and strange behavior? You don't have to put-up with it. I would attribute it to some type of health-issue. Your doctor can decide whether it is physical or psychological. Provided she's not so uncompromising; she won't work to keep the marriage afloat. You can't do it alone.
If you're being a wuss and letting her walk all over you in order to hang-on to an abusive-woman; then all this advice is just wasted. You have to come to terms with how she has been behaving. Don't expect some magical remedy to fall into your lap. No one here has ever met her. All we have is a brief description of how she behaves.
Urge her to get a medical-examination to rule-out any undetected medical-problems. Say it with love and concern. Don't chuck it at her like a an insult! Tempting as it might be!
Then as a last resort. Explain to her, that if the unpleasantness continues; and she feels unable to show you affection or respect. You insist on seeing a marriage-counselor. Go alone if you must. You will also consider a divorce. If she's mean all the time, tell me what choice you'll have? Cheating is too convenient and self-serving; and a bad choice of vengeance. She'll take your child, and squeeze you for every cent you have. The karma will rake your soul over the coals!
If she refuses counseling; then let her know that the continuation of the marriage depends on it. If you can't fix it yourself; you must seek professional-help. Stubborn and rude people have to face consequences. It might require some strong push-back; before she takes you seriously. Especially for those who are timid and submissive in nature. She'll have no fear, and will laugh in your face. If you're scared, it will get worse. She'll sense your fear, and she will use it.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (29 September 2017):
Regarding: "Am I over-reacting? Should I 'Man Up' and be some sort of strong silent type....? :("
NO, you are not over-reacting. If she doesn't talks to you for weeks, she is giving you the silent treatment.
NO, YOU SHOULD NOT MAN UP and be a silent type. You do have to grow some balls though, and learn to set your foot on the floor when you are not liking something, and make your voice heard, and try to become more assertive on every situation.
My advice: go to a therapist to help you handle this situation.
You see, there are many, many guys your age out there living in sexless and silent marriages. They suffer in silence, and they end up cheating their wives many times. Instead of seeking for help, taking the bull by the horns, they let things remain the same, let their wives control the situation, and live in misery for their entire marriage. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.
It's OK to have sex once a week, but not for a month or more.
When a woman acts like your wife acts, she is either depressed, or extremely angry with you for something you did, or she is simply trying to manipulate you to get something out of you, or to control you in some way or another. Some women use sex and affection as a way of control a relationship and of controlling a man at their will, or to punish his man, and it sounds like your wife is using this sex for that.
You see, cutting the flow of affection and sex is like depriving someone of food, water, electricity, etc. Sex in a healthy relationship SHOULD NOT BE AN EXCHANGE COIN AND IT SHOULD NOT BE A CHORE. Regardless of how angry any of you are for an extended period of time, sex shouldn't be affected on a normal and healthy relationship. Actually, sex is one of the corner stones of any healthy relationship, and if you take that out, everything else crumbles down.
HERE GOES A LITTLE SECRET, from BRO to BRO, that I have recently discovered and it could make your sex life better.
Next time you want sex, DON'T ASK FOR IT, JUST TAKE IT. Yes, you heard me right, just TAKE IT. If you see your wife off guard, grab her from behind, start kissing her and grabbing her. Take her by surprise, control her, force her into sex, regardless if she is into sex or not. Turn her on and on and on until she ends up asking for Mr D.
You see, many women have the fantasy of being forced into sex by a strong and confident male, regardless if they openly admit it or not. If you act like a weakling and just ASK for sex, you immediately turn her off.
Now, if that does not work for you, then try PLAN B: do the same thing, while she is sleeping. Yes, start touching her and grabbing her while she sleeps. Turn her on while she dreams, and she will wake up being turned on and ready for Mr D. Many women also have this fantasy of being touched while sleeping, so this is your chance.
Finally, act like an Alpha male, gain her respect, and she will never cut sex from you ever again.
Best luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): Either it is the onset of the menopause or the first signs of alzheimer. Has any member of her family suffered this disease?
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 September 2017):
The strong silent nonsense is why men die so much earlier then women.
You say your wife's mood swings are going to affect your marriage. I would say from the tone of your letter that it has already affected your marriage.
Sit your wife down and calmly rationally explain how you feel and see how she reacts. If she is willing to work on things great. Discuss what you both can do to make things better. If she blows you off or calls you a drama queen then you should suggest marriage counseling for the sake of your marriage.
If she won't go to counseling you may want to go yourself. A qualified counselor can help you decide on where you want to go.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2017): Getting someone to talk when things go wrong can be difficult but you have a son together and should find somethin in common.
Lighten up on the resentment and watch a good movie or treat her to an unexpected box of chocs or jewelery or sound her out about her expectaions for xmas and what she will buy the kids.
Talking keeps empathy going.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (29 September 2017):
 "I am afraid its going to affect our marriage"
Too Late...Already has, or you would not be here.
"Should I 'Man Up'"
Yes...because you are the man in this relationship.
A husband must fulfil his role as such, and wife must fulfil her role as such.
Want to piss off your wife really bad??? Easy...When your wife has to do YOUR role and hers at the same time...it equals war.
"how DARE she treat me like this when I have done sooooo much for her in the past"
Here is a big problem with men...We feel if we go to work for 8 hours, our job is done. We should be able to come home, and relax, while your wife runs around looking after you, house, and everything else.
Hate to tell you...Your job is not done until your wife is happy, and snuggled up next you.
Are you bad at making decisions?? That will drive her crazy...why? Not all women...but most already have a hard enough time making up their minds, because they have so much going on inside their heads. They need the man to be the one to help focus things, or plan things, or make sound judgements. When you can't make up your mind, or too timid to speak up with a wise choice...it adds to her already overwhelmed mind...Drive her nuts.
As a husband, and father...you have to be the leader...NOTE...I said leader...not the BOSS. There is a massive difference between a BOSS, and someone with good leadership skills. A BOSS makes demands, and piss people off to get what they want. A leader wisely guide those around them to accomplish the same goal, without making anyone mad.
A home without leadership, is a home in trouble. This does not apply to just homes...A place with a group of people that has no leaders...falls apart. Don't believe me? Look at the animal world, where the travel in packs or herds. Could be the oldest and wisest female, or the strongest male...either way...leaders are needed to keep peace.
So step up...It's your job. Yes...A job...because it is something you have work at...everyday.
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