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Am I fighting a losing battle? She is still speaking to her abusive husband!

Tagged as: Dating, Health, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 February 2019) 9 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2019)
A male United States age 30-35, *eedadvice1 writes:

So... there's a woman I've been talking to for a little over a month. And when we're together, things are good for the most part.

The problem is... this woman is married to a man that she has been involved with for a few years. He has threatened her, threatened me, hit her, etc. yet she still has feelings for him. He texts and calls her and says "I miss you/I love you".. etc... And I'm sure when talking, she replies the same back. He even gave her a Valentine's day gift in the afternoon- prior to me wanting to take her out to eat that evening.

She has told me she loves me and cares about me. But ANYTIME he calls and I ask what was the conversation about, she mentions that she doesn't want to talk about it, gets upset when I ask, and even repeats "I don't want to talk about it".

I tried calling about an hour ago and my call was sent to voicemail. And when I inquired about that, she mentioned she was speaking on the phone with her mom... and him. Apparently her mom doesn't know they stopped talking. And when I asked her what was the conversation about, she said, again, she doesn't want to talk about it, and tried to switch the subject.

My question is... Am I fighting a losing battle? I know it's early, but I see potential. I just don't want to end up with a pie in my face- and she ultimately goes back with him. I've already invested quite a bit of time and energy into her within this short bit of time.

Thoughts please.

P.S.

She's 23 by the way.. And I'm in my early 30's if that helps.

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A male reader, Needadvice1 United States +, writes (21 February 2019):

Needadvice1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your thoughtful and honest answers. I do agree I've been trying to be a white knight- and ultimately it's her that has to want to take necessary action- which she is more than capable of doing.

And I fully understand she's married. But with her being separated and living apart from one another, her telling me that romantic love she had for him is no longer there, although on paper it shows they're still married, morally I didn't feel that I was breaking up a happy home or destroying a relationship.

But I will not pursue our relationship further. Thanks again for all of your answers.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (21 February 2019):

Code Warrior agony auntStop trying to be a white knight. I don't care what she has told you about her marriage, it's none of your damn business and you're helping her cheat on her husband, so neither her nor you are trustworthy. Oh, I'm sure you think you're trustworthy being all white knightey and shit, but if you were really trustworthy, you would refuse to be in a romantic relationship with a married woman, so spare me in advance your lame justification that it's all ok because he's abusing her. Well, so are you. You're taking advantage of her situation to insert yourself in her life as a replacement for her husband. Back off and let her deal with her marriage without your interference. If she's really that bad off, then she needs to divorce her husband and take time to get herself back to normal before she pursues a new relationship.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (21 February 2019):

N91 agony auntForget about this one.

If he’s still in the picture and you are seeing with your own eyes that she’s still entertaining him then you’re really wasting your time. If she was truly done with him, his number would be blocked! She would be avoiding him like the plague. This really isn’t the case!

Move on before you get even more tangled up in this.

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (21 February 2019):

mystiquek agony auntOP, you wanted advice so I hope you will listen to what we are telling you. Walk away from this situation. I am telling you this speaking as an ex wife of an abusive man. Abusive men are usually very jealous and controlling. It would take very little for him to stalk her, find out where you live/work and take his anger/frustration out on the two of you, your family, your co-workers etc. My ex husband went after ANY man that he thought I might have an interest in (they were all friends) and then he would confront me. This was in the middle of the divorce. He never did anything to any of them but he would tell me he would hurt them if they touched me. When I got remarried I kept it downlow and moved 2000 miles away before he even realized what had happened.

I hope you are thinking this over. You are very unwise to be getting involved with a married woman to begin with, but especially one that has an abusive husband. What makes you think he won't get her alone and beat the shit out of her because of you??

She is still talking to him! If she really wanted out she would file for a divorce get a restraining order (like I did) and not date until she was FREE. You are being used in some ways. THINK WITH YOUR HEAD. This is not smart and could be potentially very dangerous. WALK AWAY.

She is confused and has been brow beaten. She probably thinks she still loves him. If push came to shove, she would choose him over you I'd bank on it.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (21 February 2019):

Don't get involved with this kind of drama. You've been threatened, and she will most assuredly return to him.

In this case, nobility rivals stupidity.

She's avoiding any advice you have to offer. If you and her estranged -husband ended-up in a fight; her Stockholm Syndrome state-of-mind will see it as him fighting to get her back. He has already damaged her both emotionally and psychologically.

Your participation in all of this is nothing more to her than an emotional-caretaker; until she decides to return to him. If the devil told you he loved you, would that be all it takes for you to handover your soul?

Your concern is compassionate and noble; but any further pursuit after this woman only places her in more danger than you realize. She has to seek professional-help and make a decision to leave him once and for all. You're wasting your time. You are already trying to intervene into something that is none of your business. It's police business.

She doesn't want to talk about it; so stop pressing her about it. She's using you, and you're putting too much on the line bothering with her. Your job, your safety, and your heart. Getting entangled in this kind of situation usually ends in tragedy. If you want to get on with your life; withdraw before you pull yourself in too deep, or find yourself hospitalized, or dead.

You're also endangering your own family and co-workers; because all too often these days crazed abusive-husbands kill their estranged wives, their lovers, and other innocent by-standers. People totally unaware you're entangled in some situation you could have avoided; and he could show-up at your job armed and ready to die along with his victims.

Do you watch the news???

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (20 February 2019):

Honeypie agony auntYes, you are fighting a losing battle.

You want to "save" her from this horrible man and marriage, but the thing is SHE is married. Which means she REALLY is unavailable to YOU.

You have only been involved in this for a month. ONE month. So you can't have "invested" THAT much time an energy. And what did you get back in this month? You have been threaten, drama, and lied to. IS that really something worth building on?

I get that you want to be her knight in shiny armor and all, but this IS a lost cause. There is nothing for you here.

She isn't going to leave him. And even IF she was she NEEDS to deal whatever lead to that point in her life. She needs to work through why she married this abusive man, why she stayed, why she thought CHEATING would help her situation. Etc. YOU can't FIX her life FOR her.

She is 23, maybe next time you invest time and effort in a woman CHOOSE one who is single, available and perhaps a bit... older and more mature.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2019):

I feel this woman is unavailable and likes your attention.

A month is so little to go on if there is further potential.

Woman in that type of situation have a hard time leaving the abuse.

You should read up on it a bit so you can understand the why. I mean no disrespect to her intentions or yours. However let’s say she leaves him, she needs counseling or at least a woman’s support group for domestic violence. Be her hero that means being her friend watch and encourage her growth however the moment you feel pulled down let go.

Because friendships or romantic should be each person building each other up. Take the time to get to know her friends first and slow.

If she is scared of him suggest civil protection order.

If she has no funds contact a local woman’s shelter. They will point her in right direction.

Listen nice guy, right now is not the time to get involved with this chick.

Just be her friend. She needs to work on loving herself before she can love you.

If this guy has came to you and threatened you file a police report . She should do same every time that guy does something. Call the police.

She can get a civil proction order. 3 yrs/5 However she has to prove he will hurt her and she is scared.

She should document everything too.

Good luck ????

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (20 February 2019):

janniepeg agony auntThe only future with this woman and her husband is that she and maybe you too will get beaten up so badly. It is not hard to get out of this. She has to apply for divorce and restraining order from him. What is her living situation? I hope she is not using you to jump ship, or as a buffer zone if things didn't work out with the divorce. There is no mention of divorce. You are technically dating a married woman, abused or not. You do not respect the marriage institution and she does not respect you if she could accept the gift from her ex while with you. Anything has potential, but she has to do the right thing, then get therapy from the physical and psychological trauma. She cannot have a new life if she is still living with fear. If you don't put your foot down and demand that she ends her marriage, you are partly enabling the abuse to continue.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 February 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSHE IS MARRIED. I repeat, so that it will sink in: SHE IS MARRIED.

You need to back away from this car crash of a relationship and give her space to decide who she wants. If she wants to be with YOU, then she needs to get divorced. Until such time as she does, she is not free to be in a relationship with you. The only person who can move this forward is HER. YOU cannot divorce her husband; SHE needs to do that. If YOU were in her husband's shoes and she was (as you suspect) telling you she loved you, wouldn't YOU be angry and want to thump the guy with whom she is having an affair?

The other thing about your post which made me uncomfortable (for want of a better word) is the way you interrogate her about her conversations with her husband. She tells you repeatedly she does not want to talk about it. You need to listen, otherwise she will be stepping from one abusive relationship into another. However, you also need to trust your gut instinct which must be screaming out that this is not right.

So you have "already invested quite a bit of time and energy into her within this short bit of time"? Considering she is still very much married and in contact with her husband, that was rather foolish really, wasn't it? Cut your losses and step back. You cannot fix this. She is the only one who can do that.

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