A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im so hurt dont know whether it's shock jealousy or anger? i havent been able to sleep properly i keep getting these dreams about the situation im in. I feel used, worthless.Basically have been seperated from my ex for about 2 months I've put off getting involved with anyone, as i am not ready and i have children.Found out yesterday he's been seeing someone.Yet we slept together three weeks ago, so i think it was around this time he started seeing her.i feel physically sick. The last two weeks he's been showing less interest to our children and making excuses to go early on his set days.He's also said i cant have money if he hasn't got it. Yet it was agreed every week he would pay maintenance.When i questioned him he became very angry, so i told him i would contact child support agency.What should i do he's not sticking to his side of things?As far as ever getting back together there's no chance after 6 years. He didn't leave it that long to "move on" after saying to me he doesnt want to be with anyone, and that he just wants to be on his own
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 October 2012):
 Get the agreement on paper. Make it legal. That means you get a solicitor and work out an agreement. If he doesn't pay after THAT.. well then you contact the Child Support system.
Also, stop sleeping with him. It's not going to win him back.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): "What should I do if he's now finding excuses to not pay child support?"
Go to court and give him compelling reasons to pay child support. Not familiar with UK laws regarding deadbeat dads, but in the USA those compelling reasons usually begin with loss of driver's license (licence in UK) and end with jail.
In the meantime, do NOT use your children as a conduit to vent your anger towards him. Take the high road but don't make excuses for him either. Give your kids the opportunity
to hate him with the fire of a thousand suns for their own valid and legitimate reasons due to his negligence as a father.
If he chooses to become a stranger to his own kids by choice, then in return they will cut him out of their lives when they're adults and he'll end up a lonely, bitter, miserable, impotent old man living an isolated existence in his own private Hell entirely of his own making.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Hi
It sounds like the standard pattern when an Ex meets somebody new. Suddenly nothing else is important.You will be shocked,jealous AND angry,you are the mother of his children,you have history.A new woman clarifies its over.
The last thing you need is a relationship, you need to focus on your children,your finances,getting the Ex to pay up regularly.
Do contact CSA, and as AuntBimBim says make a diary too.Sort out access,via court if you have to, better he sees them less but for longer,takes them out or to his place.Do not sleep with him again.Good luck,its a long road but you will survive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): I am in the UK and going through the same as you. You need to either see a family layer to get a court order in place that defines how much he will pay to you a month or call the CSA. They will take the money from him and hound him for it. My husband conveniently immediately became unemployed but the CSA will still take money from his income support/ employment benefit. Please do not delay in doing this or feel scared about what to do - just call them. I think you can do it online too. Do not believe anything he says and do not under any circumstances be tricked into sleeping with him. I was soft talked and delayed 6 months before I took action and I would advise anyone to go to a lawyer or call the CSA immediately rather than wait. You have to put you and the kids first.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): Listen to aunty bim bim she giving good solid advice..
I can only add, this is nothing you've done. He is a jerk and if he can't see what he lost then let him be..
You have the kids, and that does take a lot of work but do try and make time for you, it is to early for a relationship, just you concentrate on you and your unit..
Don't be taken for a fool and keep the journal as bim bim said as you will need this information..
Take care god bless
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Been there, done that, got the T shirt.
Contact Child Support. Don't sleep with him again.
Only talk with him when it is about the children.
Get a stapled note book and start an access diary. Do not rip out any pages, regardless if you jot down a phone number or a shopping list. You may need this diary in the future with regards to access, child support, settlement etc.
Each contact you have note it in the diary, if he rings up and says he isn't paying money this week/fortnight, write the date, the time, how he contacted you (phone text email etc) and as close as possible to his exact words.
When he has the children, and is supposed to have them for a specified period of time but doesn't then make a note of it, and any reasons he gives you for the change, as close as possibe write down his own words.
This way, if you need to take him to court, or have legal dealings with him, you will be able to show a consistent pattern of non payment and non compliance. As long as you do not tear pages out of that book it will be admissable evidence.
You are only 2 months in to a long struggle to make sure your children are provided for, make this diary your new hobby.
Don't rush into a new relationship, get yourself sorted through the fall out of this one first, also your children deserve time to adjust to the changes brought about in their lives from you and their father splitting up, before you go adding a new person to the mix.
Head down, bum up, work your way through the next months as logically as possible. Write lists and make notes as this will help you keep your emotions at bay while you are needing to make important decisions.
Try not to react emotionally to the stuff he is going to be doing and saying, keep a clear head and just put one foot in front of the other until you can see light at the end of the tunnel.
Good luck, you'll soon realise you are probably better off without him!
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