A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm at this point in my relationship where it's all on my bf. I've told him many times that I need more from him and even wrote a nice letter to him giving examples of moments when he made me feel loved and important in his life. However, nothing has really improved. I'm guessing most of you will say it won't get any better unless he wants to change and I should move on. I fear it is simple, but not do-able on my part. So if it might not get better, will it get worse??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Anon male again.
Background info conclusively disproves previous assumptions,
OP's expectations are quite reasonable; unfortunately newly LDR status can only exacerbate previous issues.
OP, you can't force or bully or guilt or beg or bribe a guy to give you what you need if he's not otherwise inclined to do so, even when you aren't asking for the moon, as you aren't in this case.
Completely agree with second "chin up" anon female response.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I have no idea if it's going to get worse, but apparently there odds are very low that it's going to get better.
You told him " many times " what you want from him and he does not do it. You even wrote him a letter , making specific examples of what you want him to do. Generally a very good idea, men are not mind readers, if you want something from them better be specific and detailed (" I'd like you to call me every day instead that twice a week" ) rather than generic (" I want you to make me feel more loved" ). Only... it did not work.
So, he knows exactly what you want from him, as he has been told " many times ", and he is still not doing it... I would reasonably conclude that then he does not WANT to do it.
It's not up to him, I'd say it's up to you - Most likely he is not going to give you what you want- either you learn to do without , or you break up and start looking for someone who will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Listen honey, words are nothing it's actions that count and at the minute he acting like a fool.. If I was you I'd move on, I'd start distancing myself emotionally I would go out with friend, go clubbing, pubbing whatever it is that takes your fancy .. And don't ask him how he is.. Just text him what a fantastic time your having.. If he can't be gassed to get his ass in gear and give you attention, then leave him in neutral and whistle Dixie at the top of your lungs.He is not worth the worry nor the fretting, tell him you're real and your worth it, the effort, and if he can't see that then that's his loss.But he can't expect you to wait around.. Relationships are two way or no way.. And you'll get of at the next exit if he doesn't up it..Your not asking for the moon, and don't let anyone say you are..Chin up sweetie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay here's some background.
1. Been together over 2 years
2. Newly LDR
3. I don't think I'm being unrealistic because this has been an ongoing issue in our relationship.
4. He rarely calls me on the phone anymore or Skype since he's been away
5. I'm the giver in the relationship.
6. I've tried face-to-face, phone calls, and the letter cuz we are in an LDR right now (that was most recent)
All I want is more signs of affection. Is it so damn hard for him to pick up the phone and call me? I know it's not because when we text I ask what he's up to... he says "oh nm" or something like that.
I want to feel loved and important, like many do. Words are not enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Previous male anon responding to previous female anon:"Don't pay any heed to the mr anonymous post, he's judging you on very little information and to assume something makes an ass of u and me ..."Assumptions (or lack of specifics aside) I was directly answering OP's question as phrased, "Might it get better if boyfriend doesn't change or will it get worse?" My answer: It won't get better if he doesn't change (which he won't in any event, OP states she's already pleaded with him to no avail) and it will get worse if she doesn't change by tempering her expectations to boyfriend as he is, was and will always be. Not knowing what OP's specific expectations are and not knowing what specific shortcomings she perceives in boyfriend, I simply can't determine what she perceives boyfriend must do to "change," and in the end it's a moot question because boyfriend will NOT change, as OP's ignored pleas attest. Not my intent to judge OP, on first read my initial reaction was to blast boyfriend as a selfish, insensitive jerk, but upon further review I could only gather that OP "need[s] more from him" which leaves me unable to assess whether or not OP's grievances are valid and legitimate without having any idea of what her needs are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): I totally disagree agree with mr anonymous . What I got from your post which didn't have a lot of info was that you and your bf had started of well and then somehow you felt that you weren't getting the attention that made you feel special, this could be night out just you and he etc etc that doesn't make you needy or clingy and you told wrote him a letter giving examples.
Some guys like to be lads in that they will chase and give you attention then ignore you when they have.. It how's you tell the good guys from the novelty novelty lot.. And your guy seems to be the later.
Don't pay any heed to the mr anonymous post, he's judging you on very little information and to assume something makes an ass of u and me ...
I don't think badly of your guy though , your both young and he may be not ready for the kind of relationship you want or need at this time.
However as I suggested give him opportunity talk it through don't not write another letter let it be face to face and either compromise or move on.. It tough I know but believe me if your meant to be it will happen..
Good wishes to you both sweetie, chin up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): "Might it get better or will it get worse? My Bf has ignored my pleas to change. He fails to do nice things to show he cares"
It won't get better as boyfriend will NEVER change, nor have you given any indication as to why he should while you come across as excessively needy, insecure, and clingy.
It will get worse if you NEVER change because your incessant neediness, insecurity and clinginess will drive him away before your constant demands for fawning, fluffing, and flattery drive him crazy.
Sorry, but given lack of specifics you leave me with the impression that you are uber-high maintenance, and if I was bf then I'd already have dumped you for the sake of my peace of mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2012): I'm a all or nothing type of gal.. He either gives all or gets nothing.I met my hubby at 17 teen he 20 and we are still together, through high and lows but its taken work and good communication, and more importantly the wanting on both sides to be with each other. (Together 23yrs)If I was you I would have a open talk with him, a last reprieve haha to see if we could make some headway.. Be reasonable though with what you want and expect, your both young, If you both can't compromise then I would suggest drawing a line under it and moving on..Good luck, chin up sweetie, stand tall .
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