A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am fat, and I think that is why men don't notice me. I dress up, take extra precautions to be presentable, and work hard to not be a turn-off and seem friendly in general. I am pretty well educated, usually non-controversial, and can carry a conversation alright, so I don't see why else guys would always write me off. Other girlfriends of mine who are skinny, seem to get noticed without trying at all. A few of them are sometimes the biggest wall-flowers, and are super negative to be around, but they will always get noticed before me. Does weight really matter that much to men?I understand that men are "visual creatures", and so will naturally want the pretty girl. But do wants make it a good reason to marry or even date someone? It is possible to be attracted to someone for their wit, and intellect, and with how well you can get along with them. I don't care what a man looks like myself so long as he doesn't reek or have significant health problems because of it; as long as he at least tries to brush up a little, that's okay. So what do you think? Am I doomed for a lonely life because I am fat, or do you think there are enough men out there who can see beyond it? Are all the good men just shy? Thanks for the input.
View related questions:
notice me, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 February 2013):
What others said below about confidence is correct. Also, some men do like larger women.That said, the vast majority of men will be attracted to women who are fit and in shape. Just the way it is.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Nope you are not doomed. I was 290 pounds when I married my ex husband. He left me when I lost weight. There are lots of men out there that prefer overweight women.
I will tell you that the reason you currently don’t have significant health problems is you can get away with it at your age… as you get older the weight will affect your health… (this is just an aside but you can’t use that as a rationale for your weight)
It’s very possible to find a partner if you are overweight or even obese….
I can tell you that I had gastric bypass at age 49 and I'm so sorry I did not do it when I was even younger... it's improved my health (I was borderline everything... high sugar, high blood pressure, fatty liver disease... and it turns out the excess weight destroyed my spine and now even thin I am crippled for life because of degenerative disc disease not caused by my weight but made much worse because of it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): I think you can easily fall for people based on their personality, I have done it myself. The problem is, a lot of the time you don't get the chance to let your personality shine because people will only approach you if there is an element of attraction there. That's not to say that you won't attract people if you are overweight, because you will, but sadly your options will be more limited because some people are not attracted to those who are overweight. It's maybe not fair, but it's how it is. Attraction is the number one thing when you first meet a possible partner so you need to get yourself looking as good as possible. Some people get annoyed at that and say it is shallow, but at the end of the day it is a fact and basic human nature. The personality is what you use to keep them afterwards.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 No, you are not doomed to a lonely life. You can marry a guy who's fat too. Or, a skinny guy who's into big beautiful women. Every body shape has its admirers.
But, let a few decades pass, and you are doomed to back ache, inflammed, creaking joints, shortness of breath and hyperidrosis. You are doomed to a much higher incidence of heart conditions, cancer, and diabetes. As well to a much higher probability of complicatons in pregnancy and chilbirth, and early menopause.
I am always a bit surprised how girls see excess weight only as an obstacle in getting men's appreciation, and never as a problem in showing THEMSELVES care and appreciation.
You should want to get to an healthy, or healthier, weight, for yourself . Then, if it gets you more male attention , as it most probably will, that's an added bonus. But it's not the main thing, particularly when you'll get older.
You should want
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Well there are a lot of men out there who like fat women, ever heard of BBW (big beautiful women)? Well there are even dating sites set up for BBW dating, there are club nights in certain places for larger women and their male admirers.....so there are men out there who will find you attractive.
However I'm sorry to say but general mainstream men, the kind you meet on a day to day basis will be put off if you are very large. Its just a fact of life I'm afraid - just like a slim woman wouldnt want to date a large man, slim men dont often want to date larger women (unless they are the kind that are into BBW).
Physical attraction is hugely important in a relationship, and it cannot be overlooked just because the girl is funny and smart. If you dont fancy the person you are dating then it wont last, because sex and intimacy are important parts of a relationship and without that you are not much more than glorified friends.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, and in an ideal world we wouldnt be shallow and wouldnt care what a person looks like. But this is the real world, and looks are important.
So you leave yourself with 2 options - either look into BBW dating, where you can guarantee the men are into larger women. Or you lose weight to open yourself up to a wider pool of men who will be atracted to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Weight is not everything.. but it is a very big factor in finding someone. I think when a girl takes care to work out and be fit and slim, it shows a certain amount of self preservation. I am not saying you don't have this... but since you ask... in my opinion, if you are fat, you should make an effort to lose some of the weight.. not only for purposes of finding a partner, but mostly for health issues! Being over-weight can cause a whole lot of issues esp. as you get older. I am sure you are a wonderful girl... weight is an issue many are sensitive about but if you can conquer this...its one less thing to worry about!! Good luck xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): please, please dont let social pressure get to you. i know social pressure to be thin or to be within standards that the media has set. those standards are just stupid and can not be generalised. men like women of all shape and colors. i, myself, im considered to be a good looking guy, im fit, i go to the gym 5 times per week, work hard, earn good money and have no problem getting dates.guess what? im attracted to bigger girls. i dont like the skinny type, i even push my gf to eat a little bit more and look healthy. dont worry about be left alone, trust me on this one, its just matter of time that you will meet a nice guy interested in you, if you have great personality you should have no problem, however i got to be dead honest with you. most of the guys are attracted to thinner girls, but that is not the norm. try to lose some weight for your own benefit, for health reasons and stop worrying about guys. once you look better guys will come easily to you. have a balanced diet and hit the gym. you will feel better and look better. good luck to you, please dont be sad and instead start working on yourself. im very sure you are a beautiful girl from the outside as you are from the inside. now its time to get noticed. good luck to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, mr toyboy  +, writes (13 February 2013):
well, i will be brutally honest with, yes, being fat makes most guys dont notice women. I know there are a few men who like bigger women but generally, most slim guys dont. I personally prefer medium frame to slim cos am slim. Its an issue of physical compatibility both in bed and when u outside together. If u can, i ll recommend u lose a bit of weight, cos from what u describe, u already a sweet person.
...............................
A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I think you can have someone even being fat. You've seen fat women with husbands and boyfriends have you not? So of course there are men that will accept you despite, or because you're big. I guess you have to look at what other reasons you are not getting interest from men. It sounds like you have the bases covered; you are engaging and friendly ect. Be sure to make eye contact and hold up your end of the conversation... that's all good. You could take a look at your wardrobe, don't be afraid to show the goods off a bit, that's one asset big girls have got! Other than that all I can suggest is meet and talk to as many guys as possible. You've probably heard it all before about join clubs and whatever. One more, kind of unconventional suggestion I can give is to talk to someone who can give you their honest opinion of you and real practical advice. I have a terrible track record with women. I mean abysmal. I genuinely believed there was just something wrong with me and that was why I wasn't getting anywhere with women. So I went to see a life coach who is helping me with a lot of things but she and I both agreed our priority should be getting more experience with women, and preferably a girlfriend. She told me some dos and don'ts, and looked at the clothes I wear, which were terrible as it happens, and took me out to get some new gear. I've learned a lot already. I haven't really had time to put it into practice but I feel positive about it. You could look into something like that, talking to someone who understands men and can tell you what you can do to maximise your chances and tell you what you might be doing wrong if indeed you are doing anything wrong.Good luck, to us both.
...............................
|
