A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is anyone having a hard time losing weight, because they fear that they will attract guys/girls for the wrong reasons? I am significantly overweight, and am invisible to the opposite sex. I am perfectly presentable, and kind, and likeable otherwise, but it doesn't seem to matter. I am afraid that if I lose weight, I will get noticed, but their will be no way for me to know if they are attracted for my personality, or just for sexual reasons. Fat is a great superficial jerk detector.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (14 February 2013):
I may be off base here, but your post seems like a rationalization for not losing weight.I cannot name one woman who doesn't wish she was more sexually attractive, just like I don't know one man who doesnt wish he made more money.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): There are fat fetishists who would easily take advantage of you and objectify you.If you want a relationship, you need to be comfortable with who you are and confident that you are the best person you can be. Once you find your confidence, men will see you for the person you are.Essentially, your problems with men are NOT because of your weight. They are because you lack confidence an self assurance. I have a cousin who is in her late 30's (but she looks like she's maybe 22) she is model thin, she doesn't smoke or drink, and she is beautiful. She is also still a virgin and has kissed maybe two guys in her life. Why is a beautiful, thin, youthful woman still a virgin? Because when you look at her, you can see how sad she is. You can see that she completely lacks self-confidence. She never stands up for herself and is a complete pushover.Learn how to stand tall and choose clothes and shoes that flatter your figure instead of accentuating problem areas. Try some new hair styles, and maybe get your hair and nails done. Try some new things with makeup. If you present yourself as a proud, strong, and confident woman, the world will treat you with respect. Don't wear your lack of confidence as a mask. The world only responds to what it sees. Pretend to be proud and confident, and get the respect you deserve.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Yes if you lose weight you become visible. It sucks to know this. And it’s not so much in your day to day life with folks that know you but rather with strangers… and to be honest who cares what strangers say or do? AT nearly 300 pounds.. no one smiled at me or held doors for me… now folks smile and men hold doors etc…
Of course, the issue may have been that at 250+ I carried myself differently than I do now. I didn’t think I did but I had a male friend at work point out to me that I was much more receptive to folks as I got smaller… Apparently even with my outgoing flirtatious personality at my heaviest I behaved differently. I would not like to think I did but I guess I did. I even wrote an essay on my blog about it when the realization hit me… Being treated as invisible as a BBW was PARTIALLY MY OWN FAULT. Not done on purpose… didn’t even realize it…. But yes losing over 100 pounds caused me to change….
I was 286 pounds (at 5’2”) at my heaviest. I was 256 the morning of my gastric bypass (9/09)
I’m “normal” sized now.
When I was a BBW I had men all over me… they wanted me. I even belonged to a BBW swingers group and I discovered that many younger men preferred fat girls because they saw us as desperate and willing to put out for affection… it was lousy to find men that were “chubby chasers” due to their own lack of self-esteem. The truth is there are MANY men out there who prefer “fluffy” girls. I was happily married when I was a swinger and therefore I was never desperate for affection or sex…. And when I would reject the younger men (to you they would be older men) they would be so puzzled… I mean seriously… they thought they were doing me a favor by wanting to have sex with me. Ha. The joke was on them as most of the women at the parties were happily partnered and these guys were there only for what they saw as easy sex… it wasn’t about liking big girls… now the ones that preferred the big girls.. I was happy to give them the attention.
After I lost all the weight (and had reconstructive surgery) I realized that how folks behave is directly related to how I behave… Losing weight was very hard even with the surgery. Keeping it off is even harder… (even with the surgery)
If you think you use your weight as a shield, consider getting some therapy. Have you ever read any of Geneen Roth’s books… they may help you find the balance you seek….
Are you afraid to find out that if you lose weight, you aren’t the same person? I SWORE I would be the same… I was so ANGRY with myself when I realized I was NOT the same. And I could not blame all the invisibility or any other issues I had with folks on my weight….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): That's actually is a very wrong thinking.We are children of nature, and nature tells us to reproduce. Why do you think young girls get the most male attention? Because when you are in your teens and twenties this is when your reproductive ability is at the highest. The older a woman gets doesn't matter how pretty she is the less attention she gets, at least in comparison to when she was younger. It's the same with weight. Being so much overweight you a are not healthy. Not healthy means bad for producing healthy babies. Nature thought of everything. Men are attracted to health most of the time. If you were incredibly thin you would get the same reaction from guys as you are now being fat. Media did it work, and now some men think that very skinny is beatifull, but most men if you ask think that bones and skin are not attractive.It's all about sex, this whole life is about sex, that's how all living exists. To deny this fact is just silly. With that said, do yourself a favor and take care of your precious body. You are in danger of being very sick in a future. Forget men and sex and other less meaningless stuff, do first thing first: take care of you and become healthy.
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female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Sounds like you are using weight as a form of protection because without it you feel vulnerable. You think people (men) will notice you and stare or maybe harass you. I went through that in my twenties. I was a very pretty girl and I couldn't get on the bus without being ogled or go out anywhere so I got fat and the ogling stopped. But as I got older I learned to get strong and that no one had the power to make me feel uncomfortable unless I let them.And that I deserved to shine and be my best self. I lost the weight and i learned to just love myself and not care what people thought good or bad. And that i had the power to decide if i want to date someone or not. You have a right to shine and no one should take that from you because you are afraid. Use the strength you have inside you to keep you safe and strong not weight. It's not worth hurting your health in the long run and with time it will get harder to lose weight but easier to be strong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): I can sympathise with your question. I am overweight and I have lost weight drastically before in a short period of time, I noticed how people reacted differently to me and it scared me to realise how shallow people really are. But it’s not like I did not know it before, but the experience did shock me still. At the moment I am losing weight for health reason and also looking for a long term partner. As a larger girl I do get attention but not as much as if I was slimmer. My concerns are that if I meet someone whilst I am overweight will he stick around if I get slimmer, and whether he only finds me physically attractive as a larger girl only, but on the other hand do I wait until I am slimmer, but then will I find a guy who is not shallow, and wouldn’t date an overweight girl, which I clearly was before. It’s all very well saying find someone who likes you for you, but which you is he physically attracted to? they say that physical attraction comes first for men and these are just thoughts that I have.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 Not really. Fat is only a detector of people who have, or don't have, tolerance , for that kind of physical imperfections.
Even the saintliest and most spiritual person ever needs to feel some physical attraction to want to be with a woman/man. Cry shallow as you want, it still remains the fact that without a modicum of physical attraction , all you have is a good friendship, or camaraderie, not a romantic relationship.
There are some guys that don't mind, or actually prefer, fat ladies. It does not mean that they are better , or more enlightened, than other males. It just means that for them, extra weight is a tolerable defect, not a deal breaker- but they will have their deal breakers too. Bad skin, or bad teeth, or bow legs or...something. Everybody's got esthetical dos and don'ts .
To be consistent in your line of thought , then, you should make sure that, not only you stay fat, but you are also make yourself totally unappealing all over, in fact repulsive, with no redeeming features. The Elephant man or Disney's Beast. So, you can be loved JUST for your immortal soul.
To be consistent with your reasoning.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 February 2013):
 There is actually an easy way to tell if a guy is a jerk or not regardless of what size you are - if you meet a guy, swap numbers, go on a date and then he pushes you for sex after the first date, then when you dont give him sex and he stops contacting you.....he is a jerk.
If he is a nice guy he wont push for sex and will wait as long as you need before having sex with you, and wont stop contacting you just because you a) dont give in to his demands or b) give in and have sex but then he stops contacting you because you gave him what he wants.
Nice guys are easy to spot - they are interested in you, want to spend time with you, and dont care about the sex side of things at first (well they will be thinking about it, but if they respect you they wont act on it).
As long as you are the kind of girl that wont sleep with a guy early on, then you wont get used for sex. Simple as that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): Using this theory...the only person you will convince is YOU! I think that you are conceiving yourself and trying to find a reason not to deal with the real issue. Fat is fat and should not be used as a detector, reflector, injector, or anything else really.. it is what it is! FYI all sorts of people can attract jerks. I doubt that all overweight people who are in relationships are in them with saints!!! You need to really deal with the issue here...if you are overweight and it bothers you (which it obviously does else you would not be here), then you need to grab the bull by the horns and get some exercise and eat right! xx
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 It might be good to lose weight for your general health and just to be a bit fitter but who you are inside does not change whatever size you are as you have pointed out. I love your comment that fat is a great jerk detector! I can only comment on my past experience. I was always very small but when my husband left me I stopped eating and became a minus 0. I was literally a stick insect. I got so much attention of the wrong kind which made me realise how superficial some people can be. I think the thinness made me look rangy which appealed to a lot of men. My female friends hated my thin look and constantly tried to feed me but I was so upset I jusr could not eat. I lived on tea for 3 months and most of my hair broke off. Anyway moving on I am still small but nowhere near as thin as I was and still get male attention but now feel it is more for my mind and sense of humour. I think the key is lose weight if you want to and if people approach you who didn't when you were bigger then you know that they are probably more shallow. Saying that a lot of men like all different shapes and sizes so it is hard to generalise.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 February 2013):
It's also a turn off for many perfectly good people for many legitimate reasons. Losing weight will make you more attractive to the average man, and what's wrong with being attractive? It should be something to look forward to, not be afraid of.
The way you talk makes it sound like you don't get physically attracted to anyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2013): There is a really easy way to find out whether a guy is only interested in you for sex - don't sleep with him too soon. A man who is just after you for sex is not going to bother putting the effort in to date you and get to know you as a person, he will leave pretty quickly once he realises you're not going to give it up too quickly. The ones who like you for yourself will have no problem waiting for you. You say you are significantly overweight, so for your own health reasons I really think you need to stop hiding behind it and lose the extra weight. You are right that it will probably open up a lot more romantic opportunities to you but that's a good thing. Remember that being attracted to a woman because she keeps herself in shape and looks after herself doesn't automatically make a man shallow or a jerk. Good luck to you :)
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 February 2013):
 hahaha that's a really fantastic way to look at it. you're absolutely right. but i say do what makes you feel good. if you want to lose weight, do it for yourself because you want to look and feel better.there's no sure way of telling if someone is into you just for for your looks or sex. Some people will use you and treat you like crap while others just want to know you and be with you. that's just the risk of dating. there's no sure fire way to know anything for sure. The only thing you can do is put yourself out there and be true to yourself and hope for the best. and it sounds like you will most certainly be a catch to anyone who winds up with you because you already have the wonderful personality! Just be slow and take your time when you first start dating someone. their true intentions should come out fairly quickly.
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