A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a dilema. I feel like I have to choose between hurting my family and being miserable for the rest of my life. That's what it comes down to.I feel like I was born with the wrong name. There are people who are born the wrong gender, and they are called transsexuals. With surgery they can go on to live normal lives. All my life I've felt disinterested in and detached from my birth name and I feel like my "real" name is something else. My birth name is excruciatingly common and it makes me sick. I want so badly to stand out and shine, and I have a name that keeps getting me lost in the woodwork. Every time I have to say it or write it, I shudder with disgust. I have a middle name that is unusual, but it's hideous. Even my mother voluntarily admits that it's hideous, and I think... "Why did you stick me with a name you KNEW was ugly?" It sounds like I'm narcissistic or mental, but imagine living every day with a name you loathe passionately... it really will break your spirit. I have a very rich, very multi ethnic heritage. I have French and Italian ancestry. I am from the USA but feel very out of place here and feel like I was meant to be Italian or French. My birth last name is the most American last name ever. It breaks my heart that I can't have part of my heritage, and I feel like I'm being forced to be American and I resent my birth last name because it ruins my heritage for me. I feel like our name forces me to give up my heritage and assimilate into American culture, which I don't identify with. I hate having a common full name because it makes me feel forgettable. Every time I have to go somewhere where they have records, I always get confused with someone else. At school there was always another person with the same full name. I always get lost in the crowd and I feel like I'm easily replaced because of this name. I have talked to a lawyer and he says that I am a candidate for a legal last name change. I found out that I can legally change my full name, regardless of what people say, I am relieved I can do it. But guilt holds me back. This has nothing to do with my attitudes to my family. My parents have done things to hurt me in the past, but I have moved on and I don't want to change my name to punish them or hurt them. I love my family, and my desire for a name change has nothing to do with them. I just hate the name. I feel like it belongs to someone else, like someone else's itchy old sweater. I've waited to change it because I felt guilty about hurting them, but I am so unhappy that it prevents me from having inner peace and functioning. I've hated it since I was a child. I'm 34 now and it's not like I'm going to come round and cherish it. It's so disheartening to imagine living my whole life with a name that breaks my spirit and upsets me. I know that some people get married and take their husband's last name and there is nothing wrong with that, per se, but I feel uncomfortable with that tradition. I want an identity of my own, not an identity that depends on me as part of a binary. I also feel like it's unfair that a married woman has a choice but as a single woman I don't. Furthermore, that tradition is old fashioned and I'm not conservative. As sad as it makes me, I've accepted that at my age I'll probably never get married and I hate the idea of waiting for marriage for my life to begin. Would you disown your child for pursuing a legal name change? Am I a despicable human being? How do you choose between a choice that might hurt your family and being miserable for the rest of your life?
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (19 August 2016):
Years ago I worked with a woman whose first name was Patricia. Her last name was of Hispanic origin. When we first met she had just changed her first name to Jericho. Another year or so later she changed her last name to something non-ethnic. Her motivation for changing names was similar to what you've mentioned. She married a few years later but kept her previous name.
This didn't seem to create any problems at work. Personally, I always admired her for doing something that wasn't easy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 August 2016):
 I have noticed too that this is one of that curious DC "coincidences". There's a recent post, dated 11/ 7 / 2016, and linked here by SVC, which tells the same story, with the same name change issue, the same details
( Italian / French descent ) and even the same choice of some specific and unusual words. Only told by the " disowning father " 's point of view.
I don't think this is a real post, or at least, not one to be taken literally. Every now and then we have
" novelists " at DC : not exactly trolls- but people that have something bothering them and gnawing at them, who for some reason can't / won't just come out and say what it is, and instead they spin long, contrived, super detailed tales AROUND the real hurt , skirting the real issue.
It's a pity. I feel sorry for these posters- if they only could come up and say what REALLY troubles them, we might actually be able to offer some true, informed, practical , effective advice and actually help solving the problem !
For instance, here, and in the disowning father's post too, the name change does not sound like the real problem, just an aspect of it. Which could be , maybe, a bad parents/ child relationship which has left the child feeling unsupported, unloved , angry and resentful. Or the painful sensation of not being special and important to anybody in particular, and the burnng desire to change that.
Anyway, if for the sake of being a good sport I have to take this post at face value, I have to say two things :
1) Aw come on, OP. Be real. Shakespeare said it already much better than any of us : What's in a name . A rose, by any other name ..." etc.etc. You are you, your essence , your personality won't change by changing name. You won't become French if you call yourself Danielle. I should know ! My parents slapped me at birth with an Anglo name. Anglo pronunciation and spelling ( and let me tell you, it was no fun growing up in Italy with a name that no kid or teacher could ever write or say right ). It went better when I moved to Usa :)- but still, just because I have an Anglo first name, that does not make me an American or British woman. I don't look like them, I don't talk like them, I don't dress like them, I don't THINK like them. I would not even mind if that happened, since I am very fond of America and all things American- or British, too. But it just does not happen that way.
You still will be you, warts and all. Becoming a Genevieve or an Annamaria won't make you instantly more " foreign ", or more distinctive, more sophisticated, more glamorous, etc. etc. If you don't like who you are or what you are, then work harder at changing YOU ( i.e. the aspects of you which you are unhappy with )- not just your name .
- That would be the rational part talking, but some times we are irrational ( without wanting to call you " mental " ) and there's not much to do about it. Personally I think that being so miserable about a name is excessive, unwarranted, a bit OCD maybe ; BUT, if you really can't stand it, and if really you are so miserable, and your life is an agony because of your name : then you have your answer already :
change name. Just change it.
So what if your family won't be happy, or will feel annoyed or upset for a while ?. Let them be upset, they'll get over it eventually.
It's not your family who's got to live the rest of your life , which may be very very long yet, saddled with something that makes you so miserable ?...
That would be , I'd say, the authomatic choice between X
( i.e. anything, really ) and " being MISERABLE for the rest of your life ".
You CAN'T allow yourself to be miserable for the rest of your life. So- do something about it !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): It's your name. And your life.My son's father was raised by his step dad. And had the same last name. When we had our son, we both decided to change our son's last name back to the last name of my husband's birth father and not his step father who adopted him.Now, I think this did hurt his step father as he was the one who raised my husband while his birth father was out of the picture for most of his life. And I am sorry it hurt him. We both are. And we understand why. But it's our son and his life. And we strongly felt that he was entitled to the name he was born with. To carry on his blood line and not another name/bloodline. My husband always felt like it was not his real surname and he always grew up feeling a sense of inadequacy about his name and his identity and it affected his confidence. And he did not want his son to have the same fate. And in fact, my husband also changed his surname back to his birth name along with our son. He did this as a man in his 40's. It took him a long time to come to this decision for fear of disturbing the status quo and offending family members. But now that he did it, he wishes he had done it a long time ago.Sometimes in life we must take a stand and make decisions which may not always be popular and may offend others. But we do not live for others. Once the dust settles and the decisions are made, your family will accept your choices. And if they don't, that's unfortunate as you have every right to do as you wish. You do not tell them how to live their lives and what choices they should be making. Do not live your life with regrets or things which make you feel inadequate or less. Life's hard enough at the best of times. Follow your heart. Do what you need to do. The rest will fall into place eventually. Stay strong to your convictions. You will be happy you did. At the end of the day, you are the one who needs to be happy. All the best. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): You're an adult, and you have pleaded a strong case for yourself. So why the guilt? Could it be, that in your crusade and advocacy you got just a little carried-away?
Unless you were given a name like Poopy Head or Utter Butter; carrying this name up to the age of 34 seems like you've bypassed quite a few milestones. I attempted to convince an upset father that it doesn't mean any less love for a child to change their name. A name is what everyone who knows you, calls you. There is no guarantee they'll stop just because you've changed it. They have the free will to call you whatever they feel used to. So, are you prepared to take them to court to insist they stop?
Change it because you want to. Everyone will get used to it. Some families manage to get used to something as extreme as gender reassignment; and I'm sure the world won't implode if you change your first and last name.
Overtime, the pouting and controversy will stop. You will be known by your new identity, and you can settle into it.
Don't be surprised if you don't become world-renowned by changing your name. Most people gain name recognition by their deeds, not by what they are called. Having a fabulous sounding name may give the name status, but you will still be the ordinary you. So put as much effort behind doing something good or wonderful, as having a name to stand for it.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (18 August 2016):
 Well ok Jane Doe Smith, from now on we will refer to you as Sparkle Sunshine Lollipop.
I'm mostly surprised at the amount of emotion and the strong words you use to describe how much you have been hurt by this simple name. When I was born my father got rather creative with my given name and I inherited an 11 letter surname. All of my life I have had to spell my name out for everyone I meet. There is not a telemarketer in the world who can pronounce my name correctly. So coming from the other side of your problem I really think you are making much to much of it.
I wish you would embrace who you are and learn to love it, but at your stated age, it's a forlorn hope. You have every right to name yourself whatever you want, and I wouldn't be upset If my kids decided to use whatever Name they felt best with.
FA
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 Just go ahead and change it....However, you should not feel a name is holding you back and making you invisible because everyone will remember a John Smith who did something memorable, but not a Seraphina Rosalinda who did not. Your name shouldn't define you because your name is just words, you are the person. This is coming from someone who hated and changed their first and last names - it doesn't change how unique you are, just the name.Also, why do you feel that not being married by 30 - 35 means you will never be married? It's irrational thinking, as is that a name will make you memorable.Stand out because you do your job well. Stand out because you volunteer every week. Stand out because you help people. Or, better yet, don't stand out, just matter to those close to you (but still do the above suggestions).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 August 2016):
 IF you want to go for it!
one caveat... your family may not use the name you choose.
somewhere on here I wrote my whole name change story..
here it is: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-disown-her-for-rejecting-my-name.html
but here's what I posted:
oh please. you would really disown a child for being an ADULT?
I changed my name. IT'S MY NAME and MY CHOICE. I am an adult.
My father hated that i changed it but HE RESPECTED ME enough to introduce me to new people with the name I chose. He still addressed personal things to me with the name HE chose. My name to be called by others is my choice and i respected my father for using that name in public and on official documents but the name HE choose for me in private.
Here is my timeline:
I always hated being Susan Marie Smith. (not my real name but i need a name to go with something you will see why.
In 1981 when I was 21 I became Susan Smith Jones when I married hubby #1. this name change was fine with the family since it was due to marriage
in 1989 when I was 29 First husband and I separated and I went from SAHM to single working mother and I had the chance to change my first name from SUSAN to SALLY (which was the religious name my parents gave me but never used as we were not religious in any way. So I then became Sally Smith Jones. Back then before 9/11 you could do something called a "common law change of name" and since my job was Federal I managed to get Federal ID with the name Sally Smith Jones.
in 1995 I married husband #2 (referred to as the second disaster by my family and friends and myself) and I became SALLY SMITH BLACK. That marriage ended. Marriage #3 took me to Sally Smith Green.
then #3 left me and I went to court and legally changed my name to SALLY SUSAN MARIE SMITH
So now legally I have all the names my parents gave me. I have loved the first name from the day I changed it. it's not common like Susan was... and it suits me.
My father would send me birthday cards.. the envelope was addressed to Sally Smith
the check was written to Sally Smith
the card always said "dear susan"
He loved me
he respected my choice
he still called me what he wanted (and i let him because he respected me enough to introduce me as I wanted to be introduced)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 August 2016):
 This question reminds me of one I read a month or two ago, but from the other perspective. It was a father writing in about how angry he was at his daughter for wanting a name change and how he took it as a rejection of him. We all told him how irrational he was. Could this be your father?
I think you're over-thinking this a bit. If you're really that unhappy with your name, to the point it makes you miserable, just change it! I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. You're a grown adult woman who is fully capable of making her own decisions. So go for it! If you have a name that makes you feel happier, than by all means, go by that and have it legally changed.
I think it would be a bit absurd for your parents to get really angry at you for it. I get that they picked it out for you, so they may have some attachment to it in that regard. But I see no real reason they should be angry with you over it. You've already explained to them it's not a rejection of them. So they should understand.
If I were to guess, you're over-thinking this because your parents HAVE made you feel really guilty about this? Is that correct? I still maintain that it's your life, and you're a grown adult. Your family should be able to be adult enough to understand. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2016):
 Changing your name is not going to change you. Just saying.
But why not ADD another name?
Females in my family had 3 Christian names and 1 surname (family name) up until my mom/aunt and then me and my brother as well, we only had 2 Christian names and so did my cousins.
My middle name is plain as day, very vanilla, very "beige". But it's a family name. I have never nor will I ever use it, I leave it out all the time.
My brother goes by his middle name only. I used to use his first name when we were having fights as kids to tick him off and that SURELY worked...
My grandmother (who had 3 names) had some AWESOME names and she hated all 3. She went by a nickname and/or "grandmother" for as long as I can remember. Her headstone has her nickname on it (real name below).
My kids got a "typical" female first name and a unisex middle name, so they have a little to pick from, so to speak. While my oldest doesn't like her first name (she finds it too common) she does like her nickname (which she got from a teacher who misread her writing lol) so we call her that. If she wants to change it legally at any time, I'm all for it. IT IS JUST a name.
So I think there is NOTHING stopping you from adding another name in FRONT of the other two and just NOT use the other two.
Now your family may still CALL you "Jane" instead of Renée or Sabine or whatever cute name YOU feel would suit you better. And THAT may never change.
Not taking a husband's name is not uncommon these days either, my brother took his wife's name and hyphened with our family name. I think that is great. I WOULD have preferred to have kept my plain surname, but taking my husband's was just easier. And I don't put THAT much important in a name.
If you think your name is what is holding you back, then WHAT are you waiting for? You might just come to realize that YOU are in charge of your own happiness... your name isn't.
As for your family, YOU will still be you whether you are called Sierra, Susan or Isabella.
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