A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:This may be an inappropriate question for this site but I am furious with my daughter. She is 29 and she has recently announced that she plans to get a legal name change, and I am boiling mad. I have a mind to disown her. Even though her mom and I are divorced, her mom is behind me 100 per cent.She insists that she's not changing her name out of spite, or to get back at us, but that her name feels wrong for her and "doesn't fit." She says that it's caused her "anguish" and that she wants to legally change to what she feels is her "real" name.Recently she told me and her mom that she wanted to legally change her full name. She says she hates it. She hated it as a child but we thought it was just a phase and we refused to give in to her request to be called by a nickname. It was so hurtful for her to tell us how much she hated her name. It's true that there WERE a lot of other girls in her class with the same first and last name but she should appreciate the anonymity of being in the woodwork. No, she has to stand out and be a special snowflake. She approached us by saying that she loved us and that it wasn't about wanting to separate from us, but that she had been unhappy with the name all her life and that she "needs to be the real me." A lot of people don't like their names, but they just accept what life hands them and go with the flow. Why can't she do that? She claims that her name feels "wrong" for her and that it "causes her anguish" to have to "be someone she's not." She wants to change her full name. She has an unusual for a middle name because it had class but she says it's ugly and unfeminine. We have a good "all American" last name, but she says she feels detached and disinterested in it. Her mom's side of the family is Italian and she says she identifies with that culture and wants to have a more ethnic last name. She says she identifies with her Italian-Canadian grandmother (who has been gone for 20 years) and with that part of her heritage and that she wants to "have part of her heritage." That's her story, but what it is is that she is rejecting me. She has sworn that's not the case.Her mom and I are divorced and I have since remarried. I sense that she resents me because I am unable to see her or be part of her life. The wife I have now is jealous and insecure of my relationship with her and has requested I do not see her. My daughter needs to be mature and understand that I have to put her stepmother first, but I sense she's put out with me. In my mind, this is all B.S. If she really loves me then why is she being so ungrateful? We provided for her and loved her and she thanks us by rejecting the full name we gave her. She says that it's not a desire to hurt us, she is just unhappy with the name and feels it's wrong, but why doesn't she just suck it up and accept her name? Does she deserve our love and support in light of this act of disloyalty? I should be outraged, right? Should I disown her over this? I should be wounded... shouldn't I? Or is my daughter crazy and in serious need of psychiatric help?
View related questions:
divorce, grandmother, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (12 July 2016):
I think the real issue is less about the name change and more about your daughters feelings of rejection since you do not see her at your wifes request. She probably feels that she is no longer an important part of your life and I dont blame her. If my father when he was still alive, cut me out of his life because of some womans insecurities, I would have been devastated. You have already rejected her and she might be reacting to that. She feels closer to her mothers family because of the pain they have caused her. I wonder about your wife's motives for casting your daughter out of the family. She married you knowing that you had this daughter, so why seek to destroy your relationship with your daughter? You need to ask yourself this. I dont know how long it is since you have estranged yourself from your daughter but you need to reach out to her before it is too late. Partners come and go but there is no such thing as an ex parent.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): As a mother of two daughters who have still to mature and leave the nest .. relationships sometimes don't work .. mums and dads split .. what right does your new wife have of becoming in between you and your daughter .. your flesh and blood .. who to say you and your wife won't split ..as well .. what then .. I would hope your daughter says .. well dad I wasn't good enough then so I'm not now ..
Absolutely disgusted .. I it takes someone to do that let me tell you that .. I don't judge but I'm absolutely taken aback .
If I were your ex wife I would be cheering my daughter on .. to remove every trace of you whatsoever .. my new wife is jealous .. so if she said jump of that bridge .. you would .. how dreadful
I'm truly sorry to be posting such a comment but really you need to look at your words your behaviour and say as father .. as a father .. is this acceptable .. because in my book .. no it isn't .
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Wow, you need to get a grip and get over yourself. You all but clearly stated you abandoned your own daughter for your new wife's ridiculous and absurd insecurities. How dare you abandon family over such a ridiculous reason. You ought to be ashamed.
You left your own flesh and blood. Not the other way around. I don't blame her. You have way too much sense of pride. Get over it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): Most women change their last names in marriage anyway. That does not rob her of her heritage, nor does it dishonor her parentage in anyway. Sir, you love your daughter so much and you're taking it personally as if she is rejecting you. She chooses to identify with her Italian-Canadian heritage; which she feels is an honor to her grandmother. Tell me what is wrong with that? You wife agreeing with your is irrelevant. It's not up to either of you. She didn't seek your permission; she did respectfully request your approval and acceptance. She hates the name. It does have psychological repercussions and sometimes eats at the self-esteem of children carrying the label picked out for them. Sometimes parents make horrible choices that make children vulnerable to bullying and teasing. It can be relentless. It's just as bad when it makes you cringe every-time you hear it called, if you don't like it.
That's enough.
There are lots of cultures that place a great deal in a last-name; and surely it is a father's/mother's legacy to pass-down his/her family name. If she is an adult and rejects the name, that is her prerogative. As I said, she may have changed it in marriage anyway. Most legal documents and passports will ask for the names of her parents; and aliases in most instances. So how can you feel your name is totally wiped-out?
She has your DNA. That my dear fellow cannot be changed as an adult. Technology is toying with that science in theory for embryos; but for now, you're safe. She's stuck with your genes no matter what name she chooses; or what ethnicity she decides to identify with.
How many times does she have to tell you that she loves you?
This is simply a battle of wills, and your stubbornness to respect her right to choose. She can choose her name, and she can add whatever she feels she wishes to be called at any time she pleases. You would disown her for that? Now wouldn't that be a cruel thing to do to someone who has told you they love you? Your own child?
Seriously, sir?!!
Adult children will make a lot of choices you don't like.
Who they marry, how many children they'll have (if any); and some even consider gender reassignment. She's only changing her name.
In short, love her and deal with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 July 2016):
 If I were in your position, and my child wanted to change their name, I wouldn't be mad. I would be reaching out to them to find out where the rift is and try to mend it.
In your case, I can see where it is right here:
"My daughter needs to be mature and understand that I have to put her stepmother first, but I sense she's put out with me."
You want her to be grateful for this?? This, sir, is patently absurd. YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST! You of all people who have already ended a marriage and know the frailty of relationships then decide to reject the child of your blood in order to accommodate the insecurity of a woman you may or may not stay with??
Your daughter is reacting to your primary and total rejection of her. As a kid, you rejected her nickname. You rejected her mother.
You are the ultimate disloyal dad in her eyes, and rightly so! You should let no woman's jealousy separate you from a loving daughter. Your anger towards HER and mocking her identity as being a "special snowflake" means you do not know her.
I also see a lot of projection of the anger or resentment you feel for her mother onto her. What does your name even mean to you anyway? You soiled that good name when you rejected her. You soiled it when you push her away because of your wife's jealousy. Your name isn't even yours to begin with!
Your name was your father's, and your grandfather's, and on and up the chain. Many of our immigrant names weren't "all-American" ones, but were Anglicized by people who had the courage to make a name for themselves. Your daughter is, in affect, doing the most All-American thing there is to do.
You can either make this about the name and disown her, for which that's been par for the course for you, OR you can love her and put some REAL TIME into building your relationship with her, with even more effort and love than with her stepmother. The love of a parent trumps the love of the hormones, genitals, and so on, because that is a CONSTANT. Or should be.
Get your priorities together, DAD.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): If you were my dad and had disregarded me for a woman who should be mature enough to accept that you have a daughter, I wouldn't even have given you the courtesy of telling you I was changing my name. I'd have done it with no consideration to your feelings. As that is what you have shown to your daughter.
A name is something you HAVE to live with for your whole life. It should be something that you like. Good on her for being brave enough to change it. She's been very mature and kind by telling you and showing you that respect.
Show her some respect by understanding her wishes. Be a father. Tell your wife to grow up and have a relationship with your daughter. Your wife can divorce you but your daughter will always be your family. Think about that when you decide who to "put first".
I get that you're upset that she'll have a different name and sometimes that can seem like a separation in a family, but seeing as you've decided she isn't a priority, a name change won't make much difference to your relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (11 July 2016):
 I honestly think you are as my son would say "Butt hurt" and need to get over it. You are the one being immature, not your daughter. Why can't she change her name?? I HATE the name my parents gave me even though I know that they carefully picked out a name and put much thought into it. Its very masculine sounding and spelled like a guy's name and I can't stand it because I am ultra feminine. I have suffered with it my whole life, and honestly never use it, I use my middle name.
The same thing happened to my daughter, I picked out what I thought was a wonderful name, but she hated it. She chose a form of it and used it all through school, even into her early 30's. She has decided to accept her given name, but if she would have ever legally changed her name, I wouldn't have cared.
Your daughter isn't abandoning you...she just doesn't like the name! Isn't she still the same person no matter what her name is?
Sorry man..I don't follow your line of thinking...AT ALL.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 You ask if your daughter deserves your love and support ....
But you also say you have complied with your current wife's request that your daughter be pushed aside and not seen, I don't understand, haven't you ALREADY withdrawn your love and support?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Your daughter will always be your daughter and you will always have a place in her heart for bringing her into the world. She has gone to some effort to assure you of your place in her life.
So I am surprised that your current wife would dare to try to encourage you to cut ties with your daughter. Goodness if I had ever been asked to distance myself from my late husband's family when I remarried my answer would have been a firm "no". Fortunately my current husband (at that time husband to be) understood my priorities and fully supported my wish to give support to my late first mother in law.
He even insisted that I not remove any photos or awards from the wall where those were photos of my late husband or awards for his sporting abilities.
You will always be your daughter's father. She does not want to distance herself from you.
She simply wants a name that she feels more connected to and this is not a slight against you. It is a deep need of long standing within her. She now has the courage and the confidence to make this change.
understand where she is coming from and you will forge a stronger relationship in the long term future.
Changing names is something celebrities have done at some stage in the past. But far far more ordinary people do change their names all over the world, for many reasons, including the reasons your daughter has given to you.
if you can try to see this in perspective as not a slight against you, but as evidence that you have raised a strong confident independent daughter, assertive enough to explain her reasoning to you. the confidence to make her own decisions and to stand on her own two feet.
You created and nurtured and encouraged her. That is your great achievement.
She is now an adult woman who is able to make her own decisions.
She is not changing her name in secret.
She wants your support prior to taking the next step.
Though I have no doubt that she will change her name.
But do not punish nor distance yourself from your adult daughter for something that is far more common than you might imagine.
If your daughter did not care then she would not have told you about the change and would not have sought your blessing for this change.
Disowning her is a step too far.
We bring up our children to become functioning adults who can make their own decisions and can manage their lifes and go forward in life.
We do not bring our children into the world with the expectation that they will stay tied to our apron strings all the rest of the days of their lives.
Your acceptance of this change, albeit with some regrets on your part, will be a huge relief for your daughter. She clearly wants your understanding, blessing and your acceptance over this issue.
That does not sound like a daughter who wants to be disowned.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 "I sense that she resents me because I am unable to see her or be part of her life. The wife I have now is jealous and insecure of my relationship with her and has requested I do not see her. My daughter needs to be mature and understand that I have to put her stepmother first, but I sense she's put out with me. In my mind, this is all B.S."
Only a bad father chooses a new spouse over their child, when the child has done nothing wrong and the wife is jealous.
I, like Cindy, hope this is fake because the parenting is wonky and the idea of disowning her over her name is warped.
My name was "Lilian Jane Johanssen" (for example). There were lots of "Lilians" in my year at school and everyone kept spelling "Johanssen" wrong. I went by "Lily" for years, even at home, and wanted to change my last name to something simple that everyone could spell. At 18, I changed my name legally to "Lilian Jane Jones".
I wish I'd changed it to "Lily Jane Jones", but I didn't want to upset my parents further. They felt I was distancing myself from them and, to some extent, I was distancing myself from my dad's uninvolved side of the family (oh look, you're the uninvolved family member!), but I was mostly choosing the name I felt fit me, was easy to spell and didn't link me to my past.
At 20, I legally changed it to "Lily Jane Jones". I paid for a name change *twice* because I wanted to soften it for my family. I shouldn't have had to do that; they even called me "Lily", but got uppity about it being my legal name.
You do not *own* your daughter, therefore, you can *not* disown her. However, you can be an estranged DNA donor and, if this post is accurate, that's what you have become.
I'd be upset/disappointed if my future children wanted to change their names, but it would be *their* name and it wouldn't be my choice any more.
If this is true, you need to tell your wife to grow up or get a divorce because your *daughter* should come first!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 July 2016):
 This must be a troll. I am pretty sure it's a troll. Some bored teenager, school's out and all that.
If it's not a troll, congratulations ,sir, you have managed to do something that very few posts on DC by now manage to do : astonish me .
So, the story is this : ( forget about the name change for a sec ).
You have remarried. Your new wife is jealous and insecure and has forbidden you to ever see your daughter or to be any part of her life.
You obey promptly , ( .... I hope for you that your wife is a hot 23 y.o., that would maybe explain , if not justify, your extreme compliance )- and you find perfectly natural and acceptable to give up a daughter in favour a new wife. In fact, you are miffed that your daughter is not understanding of your necessity to " put her stepmother first " and " sense " that she might be a teensy weensy little bit upset.
Excuse me , can anybody tell me in which movie/ sci-fi novel / parallel universe is this happening? ....
Not in USA. Nor in Canada or Italy. I doubt it would be happening anywhere.
Most civilized society agree upon that when you are a parent you are a parent for life, and that there must be serious,compelling reason to give voluntarily up having a normal parent / child relationship when that it is even barely possible.
Reasons that do NOT include catering to the whims of an insecure , possessive new partner.
The heck you are supposed to put your partner first ! You are supposed to NOT marry a person who will be actively sabotaging your existing main primary bond - that with your children.
You get some comprehension, like I said, if this new wife is a 23 y.o. double D sexbomb. Getting old is difficult and bitter for some people, something that helps you forget our days on earth are limited, and that from now on is all downhill, may have an almost magical power of persuasion, and it is notorious that at times men can think with other organs than the brain.
If you don't even have this excuse, ... either you are a troll , or let's say, a very unusual, quirky character whom I have to thank for having let me hear something to me unheard of, - which by my age it's certainly not a frequent evenience.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 July 2016):
 "The wife I have now is jealous and insecure of my relationship with her and has requested I do not see her. My daughter needs to be mature and understand that I have to put her stepmother first"
In what World do you live where you spouse is more important that you children?
Who is the immature one here? (hint - your new wife)
You have ALREADY "disowned" your daughter emotionally by making her someone to ignore over this newer wife.
Do you know Shakespeare? I hope so, let me give you a quote:
"a rose by any other name would smell as sweet"
Do you get the meaning if that quote? No matter what people CALL a rose it's still hasn't changed. It still looks pretty, smells pretty and has the same number of petals, thorns and leaves. In essence there IS no difference.
My daughters have a friend who have been bullied in school from 3rd grade (she is in 11th now) because of her name. Her parents would let her change her name either, she CAN however do it when she reaches 18.
It's a name. That is it. You feel rejected that she doesn't like it? Well, how do you think SHE feels when you can't talk to her due to having such an insecure wife that you feel you need to put above your grown child? But here is the thing..... SHE ISN'T doing to to hurt you, she has wanted to do this for a long time because she DOESN'T like it and guess what? SHE is an adult and can DO that!! She doesn't NEED your permission.
I think if anyone around here needs to ... GROW UP... it's you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 July 2016):
 oh please. you would really disown a child for being an ADULT?
I changed my name. IT'S MY NAME and MY CHOICE. I am an adult.
My father hated that i changed it but HE RESPECTED ME enough to introduce me to new people with the name I chose. He still addressed personal things to me with the name HE chose. My name to be called by others is my choice and i respected my father for using that name in public and on official documents but the name HE choose for me in private.
Here is my timeline:
I always hated being Susan Marie Smith. (not my real name but i need a name to go with something you will see why.
In 1981 when I was 21 I became Susan Smith Jones when I married hubby #1. this name change was fine with the family since it was due to marriage
in 1989 when I was 29 First husband and I separated and I went from SAHM to single working mother and I had the chance to change my first name from SUSAN to SALLY (which was the religious name my parents gave me but never used as we were not religious in any way. So I then became Sally Smith Jones. Back then before 9/11 you could do something called a "common law change of name" and since my job was Federal I managed to get Federal ID with the name Sally Smith Jones.
in 1995 I married husband #2 (referred to as the second disaster by my family and friends and myself) and I became SALLY SMITH BLACK. That marriage ended. Marriage #3 took me to Sally Smith Green.
then #3 left me and I went to court and legally changed my name to SALLY SUSAN MARIE SMITH
So now legally I have all the names my parents gave me. I have loved the first name from the day I changed it. it's not common like Susan was... and it suits me.
My father would send me birthday cards.. the envelope was addressed to Sally Smith
the check was written to Sally Smith
the card always said "dear susan"
He loved me
he respected my choice
he still called me what he wanted (and i let him because he respected me enough to introduce me as I wanted to be introduced)
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (11 July 2016):
 I believe you are angry because you feel that is you that is being rejected. Your daughter has taken pains to tell you this isn't so.
Do you know the line from the Prophet by Kahlil Gibran?
"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."
And also: "You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-morrow,
Which you cannot visit even in your dreams."
Your anger drives a wedge between you and your precious child. Love conquers all.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 July 2016):
 Seriously ? You're thinking about disowning your daughter over her name?
Think about it like this, she had a birth defect all her life that she hated and she didn't 'feel right' because of it but there was a form of surgery that could remove or fix it so she felt normal and happy, would you tell her not to get it because she was born that was and should just deal with it ? I very much doubt it.
Why are you making it about you ? That she hates you and is trying to piss you off ? Would she really need to make up such an elaborate story just to change her name so that she's happy ?
Personally I think you need to get a grip and let your daughter make whatever decision she would like, she's 29 years old, she's not a baby, she's an independent woman that you need to respect and let make her own choices.
I know lots of people that hate their name and would probably like to change it but couldn't be bothered going through the legalities of actually doing it, but if your daughter feels that strongly about it then I really can't understand as loving parents why you would feel like disowning her is an option.
...............................
|
