A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I'm looking for some feedback. I'm a 32 year old male. I've got a fwb that has been going on for quite some time now. Thing is, I think I'd somewhat developed feelings for her. The reason I'd developed some feelings is because of all of the things we do together that are well beyond fwb which gave me the distinct impression she wanted more. The cuddling and watching movies, the kissing, spending a ton of time with each other, and having pet names, etc. I guess I got the distinct impression we were becoming more. Which I was okay with. Just going with the flow. She seemed like she was blatantly telling me she liked me by her behavior.I never said anything about how I felt. I'm a very chill, go-with-the-flow kinda guy. I didn't care to put a title on things or anything like that. However, after we got back from a concert out of town together, which we had an amazing time together at, she started behaving completely differently out of nowhere. She then had a conversation with me telling me she has absolutely zero romantic interest in me, and that even though we may act like we are a couple, that she in no way feels that way for me. I was a bit baffled. It's hard to understand why a woman would act like your girlfriend for so long, and then say she doesn't see you in that way at all. Not even a little. I'm okay with it, as I don't need that from her. I enjoy things the way they are. However, I feel a bit led on, as her behavior seemed to be so drastically telling me I was a relationship interest. Can anyone explain to me why a woman would behave so much like she cares and has feelings, just to turn around and vehemently deny having any feelings at all? She gets her heart broken very easily. I know that. Or am I just not someone she feels that way for? But if that's so, why behave like I'm your boyfriend? We treat each other no differently than any relationship I've ever had.As I said, I'm okay with whatever we are. I can get on board. She just really threw me off with this one. And I don't want to get thrown off again if the same thing happens. Any opinions?
View related questions:
kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 August 2016):
 Because sex with absolutely nothing feels cheap, slutty, and mechanical. I guess what a lot of young people want is the gf/bf experience without the negatives that come into it: insecurity, jealousy, feeling of being trapped, fear of break up. Flash news for her, and for others too: people in casual arrangements feel these things just the same but without the benefit of a strong bond and trust.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): Hey OP here. I kinda get the distinct impression that I'm getting some flack here from some. I suppose to clarify a bit, we both very much willingly entered into the fwb's situation in the beginning. We were friends for years before all of this began, but had been in serious relationships. We always had very strong sexual chemistry and attraction, as we'd always flirted, but neither of us are cheaters. So when we both happened to have ended our long-term relationships at the same time, SHE came to ME and literally laid it out there that she wanted sex. I expected it to be a one time thing, as I took it as a rebound thing. But it began happening more and more. Next thing I know, it's been almost a year, and we are still hooking up. But over the course of that time, it progressed to where we weren't sleeping with anyone else, and we were behaving extremely coupley. So it's not like either of us began the relationship looking for anything. It just developed on its own. But as it develops, it seems she becomes more and more afraid of it becoming more. I just don't get the fear. Like I said, I'm not opposed to it like she is. She seems vehemently opposed, and I'm uncertain as to why. We have a good thing going, why not let it naturally develop? It seems more unnatural to place these road blocks in the way when things are going incredibly well than to just go with it.As I said, I can get on board with whatever we do, I just need to know what it is so I don't get confused. She clarified what she wants, however, I guess I found myself a bit confused by her actions. If what she wants is absolutely nothing, why act the exact opposite? Just a confusing situation is all. Thanks for all the answers.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): This is the problem with FWB.One person falls in love and the other does not.There are two different expectations of the relationship.Ultimately this arrangement cannot continue once love or deep feelings enter the picture. Feelings are like a slow growing cancer which threatens to poison the entire relationship. To be avoided at all costs. But this is hard. Almost impossible. Because the one who falls in love will grow bitter and resentful and feel the other is using them for sex. They want more from the relationship. A deeper connection. A commitment. And so, the sex suffers. The relationship deteriorates as the one in love starts to hate the other for not loving them back. It's inevitable.It is a sad ending to a very passionate sexual connection, which in my view, is so rare between two people. And both people will miss that connection in their lives because I feel it is hard to find again.Moral of the story? It's hard to take sex lightly and casually. Love finds a way...And it should.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2016): Exactly! You said it yourself: i go with the flow. SO, you basically just sit back and see how things will develop. That calls indifference.
WHy would any woman wants a totally indiferent partner, who doesnt give a s..t whether she is there or not.
Yeah, you enjoy her in bed and do little things together, but there is nothing there, no feelings, no passion, nothing. You probably would even have couple of babies with her far into the fututre but again, if it happens, it happens, if not, so be it.
If isaw this before many years ago and could say no to this, my life with my husband would never happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (19 August 2016):
I guess it's the same for lots of women who ask us why their fwb guys would act cuddly and sweet, but not want a relationship. I guess kissing, hanging out and having fun do not necessarily count as romantic, at least for women. Women need to have a sense that they admire their men, and can trust their strength. One of the traits that make it admirable is a man who proves to his woman that he would take care of her, and will go after what he wants and would protect the relationship by making sure that she will not be interested in other men. While going with the flow is easy and convenient and common nowadays, it isn't exactly the thing that makes women fall in love.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 If I could guess I would say she has got fed up with waiting for more to happen, you say she gets hurt easily I can imagine she has feelings for you but she put up her guard when she realized just how much. You need to talk to her about how you feel and reassure her you want her. Because I think she is feeling unwanted and probably sad at the moment. She is just trying to protect her heart by lying to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2016):
 Don't have FWB's if you want or would like more?
An FWB is perhaps useful when two FRIENDS are having a period of "drought". But when it goes on and on and on - one of two things happen, one of the parties meet someone special or.. one of the two develop feelings for the other. It rarely goes from FWB to a good long term relationship.
My guess? She started the FWB with you hoping for more, when nothing happened she decided that fine it will just be sex and "whatnot" - but it didn't come out of the blue. SOMETHING set her off. Either she is NO longer waiting for you to ask her to BE your GF and she is thus just using you till she can find "better" or you find "better" (and by "better" I mean SOMEONE to actually DATE and COMMIT to).
OR she has been wondering about the boundaries for a long time and wanted to make sure you were both on the same page.
She DIDN'T lead you on any more than YOU lead HER on. You could have open your mouth when you FIRST developed feelings for her instead of using the "going with the flow" excuse. So I don't think you have any right to feel "entitled" to her feeling like YOU do.
Not wanting to rock the boat (or call it "go with the flow" if you like) had lead you to this point, so now you can SHIT or get off the pot (to put it crudely).
WHY not tell her HOW you feel? IF she is SERIOUS that she doesn't want anything more then maybe this FWB has run it course.
You can't really continue having FWB for years and think it's going to stay at status quo for ever because it's convenient.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): To answer your rhetorical question; a woman would have the same reason as a man in the same given situation. She has no romantic interest, thus she is a friend offering you benefits. You may be a great FWB, but challenged in the area of boyfriend material.
There is also such thing as seeing what you want to see, and interpreting things to suit your own desires. Doesn't mean you're right about it. Perhaps you always wanted more, and thought you could manipulate things to suit yourself, and it backfired.
You said the following:
"I never said anything about how I felt. I'm a very chill, go-with-the-flow kinda guy. I didn't care to put a title on things or anything like that."
Women are learning to think more as men do, in order to deal with just what you described above. She has fully adapted to being a FWB. Thus is the emotional trap people set for themselves; when they should have started their relationship off in a different way to begin with.
It's a period at the beginning of a relationship, that was once called courtship. You get to know each other, and you establish what type of relationship you want. You set the foundation on trust, affection, sex, and commitment. Then you try to see how many levels you can progress to.
Nowadays people like it casual, non-committed, and open.
Just someone they can fallback on, instead of someone with whom they can build a relationship. Avoiding labels that might imply they aren't free to roam. It's immature and selfish, if you ask me. Now you see the downside of it.
If you didn't commit from the start, she may not trust you enough to commit to you. She may be happy with you with things as they are, without any complications. She may be the free-spirited 21st century female, you've happened upon. Her standards may be very high to reach. She may have seen fear in your eyes when she put you to the test. Women can subtly put you to the test, and you not even know it. She may have offered you the option long ago; but you reaffirmed, we're just friends. So she has taken you at your word. She has programed her feelings to work within the boundaries you mutually set from the start.
As the old saying goes: "careful what you wish for, because you just might get it!"
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): I had a FWB but I actually wanted more and lied and stayed FWB. He caught feelings and because he initally said FWB is all he only wanted, I never said anything and he didnt and we both died inside when it ended because nothing happened but the sex was out of this world, the kissing was so passionate, and were drawn to each other like nothing else. Even after two years of not seeing each other and I even going on to have different dates and sleep with a few guys, I still miss that FWB a lotI also slept with a few guys who wanted more and I didnt too but I didnt continue to sleep with them, I stopped because sex wasnt great/incompatible. If shes still sleeping with you, shes into you. I think shes scared to get attached to you. she may be sleeping with you but think a better guy may come along so she can cut things with you easier if there wasnt a commitmentIf she really wanted to be your gf, she wouldnt deny feelings but she'd become shyer but want to see you more. Girls who want more will want to see you more, demand dates during day, and want to see your friends/familyDo what you want. you can still sleep with her but also I think its unfair if you want more. I say keep it FWB and see how it goes for a while but dont expect much. Or step up and ask her out officially.Any guy who does that gets my attention, even if I dont a relationship I can respect the hell out of him for going after what he wants.
...............................
|
