A
female
age
36-40,
*eri
writes:So I’m not exactly sure where to turn, my friend uses this site a lot and he says it’s always a good help for him, so I’m hoping someone has some insight on my relationship problem. Sorry for it being so long.I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half now with a wonderful guy. He swept me off my feet online, and then when we met on person he swept me off my feet again. He’s a shy guy, he doesn’t really make the first move a lot. We have the same values in common, to a point. There’s no pressure to have sex before marriage (which has always been a huge issue for me!) and we’ve discussed a future together. We’ve hit a few snags with common relationship problems – differing opinions, schedule conflict, communication problems. Our last big blowout was over a differing opinion, and he shut down emotionally. It got so bad that I had to schedule a trip to see him to fix our relationship. I’ve always made the effort to work on our rough patches. He’s not in a place schedule-wise to ever make the effort to drive and see me to fix things, so I did that for him. Truth be told, I know that’s something he would never do for me. Regardless, I don’t hold that against him. We fixed our problems somewhat and I thought that once we got back to being apart, he would stop pushing himself away and open up more. It’s been just the opposite. He’s ruined my entire Christmas vacation with the way he’s been acting. He rarely talks to me. He blames work on everything yet he gets 1 or 2 days off a week that he could spend talking to me and playing video games together like we used to. Or hell… watching tv. He just doesn’t make the effort. He never compliments me anymore. I don’t ask for a whole lot, but he doesn’t even say I’m beautiful or gorgeous or pretty or fun or smart. Not one single sweet thing. It strikes me as odd because he’s said he wants a future with me… he knows I value those tender moments and he doesn’t even try to give me the things that I might need in this relationship. He very rarely says I love you, and a lot of the time I have to bring it up. When we’re in person together, things are seemingly fine, but again I have to mention the I love you thing, I have to make him give me hugs and kisses because he doesn’t go for it. I don’t think that’s his shyness either… he does embarrassing things in front of me. I’m talking things like… I don’t get a courtesy flush if you catch my meaning. When it comes to our relationship, I feel so little effort coming from him.I met his parents on my last trip there. That was a pretty big thing to me, and believe me I was scared shitless for a while leading up to it. That’s an intimidating situation. He doesn’t introduce girls to his parents unless he’s serious about them, so why not work on the emotional connectivity if he’s serious about me? I’ve asked him if he considers a relationship to be based around jokes and laughs and he says no – that 2 people have to work on it. But then why would he not work on it? I read about Asperger’s syndrome, and I believe that’s a possible explanation for his behavior. In addition to not feeling connected emotionally, or physically for that matter, he doesn’t consider my feelings. He talks about how much fun he has at work with this chick he works with, whom he’s lied about in the past to me. He lies about her because he thinks I consider her to be a threat or something. His reasoning is stupid because I’ve never even gave it an honest thought that he might cheat. However now that he’s in yet another lie about her (different scenario, but I know he’s lying about how much contact he has with her) I believe I have cause to feel those red flags. I brought it to his attention how hurtful it is to constantly hear about their work adventures, and he stopped for maybe a week. But then he’s back at talking about it again… I’m starting to feel like one of his buddies that he pals around with instead of his girlfriend. He says when we argue about things he shuts down emotionally, but there is little to no difference between the shut down side of him and the regular him. I’m mentioned all of this to him so many times and he just shakes it off like my opinion doesn’t matter because he’s just a normal man. His logic is so unsettling with me and it’s made me cry at how insensitive he is.The last straw was a couple weeks ago. I told him I was making plans to MOVE there to be closer to him and find a better job. There was no excitement or happiness in his voice. His immediate reaction was the negatives, about how hard it would be and how it’s hard finding a job and then the apartment search… He backtracked saying he was happy but I didn’t believe it because of his immediate reaction. He’s offered me no support at all and the wheels are currently in motion to make that move. His brother has offered me more support than he has, he’s gave me a couple apartment names and job openings. He’s been such a big help. Meanwhile my boyfriend is being insensitive and crossing lines with the girl he works with while lying to me and not making me feel special. Even sexually he doesn’t make me feel wanted, he never says he wants me in that way or hints that he thinks about me in that light. It hurts. Is asperger’s syndrome really a viable option for this guy? It’s been 2 full days since we’ve spoken, he hasn’t bothered to return my call or make any effort to talk to me. The last thing he said to me was “I love you” and I had to ask him that. I love this guy but I’m at wits end. I’ve tried mentioning all of this stuff to him, but he immediately jumps to accusing me of starting an argument just to argue, he never looks at himself and considers improving things. He never takes responsibility for hurting my feelings, and he doesn’t like talking about this stuff. At one point he told me that he’s tired of me asking him to change. I have never once asked him to change anything, I’ve just asked for effort. That one sentence hurt my feelings more than anything else, and he didn’t apologize or anything. Our wires are all crossed and he doesn’t understand that effort does not equal change, it just means effort. Right? Maybe?
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at work, christmas, I love you, long distance, shy, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Vaeys  +, writes (1 January 2011):
 Oh wow. You honestly sound like the perfect girlfriend to me.
Dump his sorry ass and find someone who appreciates you. :)
A
female
reader, shiza  +, writes (30 December 2010):
forget this guy. if you live with him , your future is miserable. stick back to ur previous job. if you shift then you will be nowhere. dont go into a compromising life. you deserve some one better. search for a guy who loves you rather than being with a guy who is so insensitive.
may the best thing happen to you.
be strong in your decisions.
shiza.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 December 2010):
 Wow, you are seriously contributing to this relationship. But your partner appears disinterested in doing so.Sometimes people do have an undiagnosed medical condition, but a medical specialist would have to diagnose that. A family might shrink from getting a condition diagnosed, and just treat the behavior as just 'how the person is,' when maybe some counselling or therapy alone might lessen the impact (though not cure)What I can attempt to address though is the impact this unequal emotional contribution you make to the relationship is imposing on you.If your guy does have a problem with 'giving' emotionally he must have felt he had hit the jackpot with you - as you are so willing and generous as a role model of a person demonstrating how to be giving, and give emotional support, kindness and love. We all have an 'emotional bank' inside. Some people have substantially 'in credit' healthy emotional banks inside, with plenty of surplus available when they need to draw on their reserves.Whereas some people have so many emotional demands made on them, by things happening in their lives, and others expecting an emotional loan (which is never repaid) from the emotional bank of another person, that (the other person) starts to slide into serious deficit in that emotional bankIt is very important that you try to maintain a balance where the deposits to your emotional bank always just a little more than the withdrawals. So your emotional bank is always in credit.Conversely if you always allow the withdrawals from your emotional bank to exceed the deposits you can see that in time you will be emotionally bankrupt.And although it probably sounds far too tough- right now you are in a relation where you give far more than you receive. You do not have to give, so continuously, to a relationship where the other partner cannnot contribute, or will not chooses to NOT contribute in a positive way to the emotionrelationship.If he feels he cannot or refuses to contribute then perhaps he could undergo some counselling to discover why not?Yes, there may be a medical reason. And if is unfixable then you have to make up your mind regarding if you want to exist in such a draining relationship.If you want to stay in such a relationship the there is a balancing operation required. Where you add in other activities into your life that bring in emotional deposits.In the long this relationship may feel exhausting. A relationship should not be SO MUCH hard work where you have you do so much. And the partner reacts with apathy. Eventually that So lets look at your emotional bank. DEPOSITS to your emotional bank are things like:Altruistic volunteering to help someone or a group or a cause with your personal input (not a $check, but you in person helping) Doing something nice for another personA compliment from another personYou achieving something positive in your life, as a result of your own effortsA very positive personal event - birth of a babyFalling in lovethe sense of achievement you get by looking good, being fit,well dressedBeing in a relationship that 'works' on all levels having your finances in a well ordered condition - giving peace of mind.Loving your jobHaving a network of supportive non-judgmental friendsWinning a job you wantedWITHDRAWALS from your emotional bank are things like:Being in a relationship where all is not well and you contrinFeeling bad about a body out of space and low level of fitness and not dressing well such that you go out each day not looking your best.Hating your jobFeeling unloved or few friendIllness that is debilitating to your healthYour finances a a vulnerable state - too much debt and not enough coming in, or too much extravagance - Feeling unappreciateBeing too giving in a relationshipBeing in a vulnerable state of mindBeing in an abusive relationshipHaving few friends, or abusive friends, or very critical friends or judgemental friendsLosing a job you loved/getting retrenchedStay in the relationship if you are prepared to overlook a lot. And not receive a lot. But if you do, you will need a network of supportive friends. A commitment to do some good things for you. And where you get pats on the back and plenty of smiles, hugs and smiles.
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A
female
reader, jacinta  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 im really sorry to tel u dis but dis guy does not want to be wit u,.doubt he has aspergers,he just sounds to me like a lazy guy who doesnt want to make an effort wit u Nd is hoping ul get the hint,i would seriously cancel moving, uprooting urself for this guy who wuldnt care less if you ever moved dwn to him,he wasnt even happy when u said you were moving down to him,i mean what kind of bf would react like that,everything your sayin is red flags all over the place,he doesnt compliment u ever,u hav to basically+force+him+to+tell+you+that+he+loves+you..this+should+not+be+the+case!+you+need+toget+rid+cos+you+deserve+a+thousand+times+better.xxgoodluck
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A
female
reader, jacinta +, writes (30 December 2010):
im really sorry to tel u dis but dis guy does not want to be wit u,.doubt he has aspergers,he just sounds to me like a lazy guy who doesnt want to make an effort wit u,i would seriously tink more bt uprooting urself for this guy,he wasnt even happy when u said you were moving down to him,i mean what kind of bf would react like that,everything your sayin is red flags all over the place,he doesnt compliment u ever,u hav to basically force him to tell you that he loves you..this should not be the case! you need to+get+rid+cos+you+deserve+j+thousand+times+better.xx+good+luck
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