A
female
age
51-59,
*illyJacobs
writes: I never thought I would be writing this story. I was a woman with integrity, morals and despite being treated like crap over the years by my selfish alcoholic husband, would never cheat on him..and then about a year ago when things were at the worst they'd ever been - my husband, chronically unemployed leaving it all on me to support our family of 5 including three small children, I did. This affair has been going on for a year now. He gave me everything my husband wouldn't, stability, companionship and excitement. He helped me financially and made me feel special again. He was a light in a very dark place that I had known for years. I never ever intended on cheating. It started innocently enough but we started talking more and more and he would come over all the time. Next thing I knew we were meeting at hotels and having sex fairly regularly. My husband and I have not slept together in a couple of years.. there was so much resentment between us that the spark, the passion we once had was and is gone. But I've decided to end the affair. Not because my husband has suddenly become a great guy and a decent father/provider..but because this man is married too and getting caught would ruin two families. I feel so much guilt over this. His wife is not a friend of mine but I do know her and would never want to hurt her. My husband might be a complete schmuck but I don't want to hurt him either. I also don't believe I deserve to just be "the other woman"..no, if it is not going to work out between my husband and I, then I would prefer to find someone unattached who will give me the love and respect and stability that I crave and need. But I want to do it right..end it with my husband for once and for all (we are constantly breaking up and getting back together) and this man is not going to leave his wife for me,,and I don't want him to. Like I said, I have no interest in breaking up his marraige..ive already done enough.. and I just want to move on and try to put this behind me. I have a feeling I am not the first woman he has cheated with. And I don't want to get hurt because I do have feelings for him but not enough to destroy lives over. He was good to me but the affair has run its course. He is changing lately and I think he feels the same way. From now on I'm going to make myself "busy" and just unavailable...he will understand what I am doing and it should end peacefully. But I won't carry this on anymore. In the end I'm ending up alone and just as miserable as I was before. Happiness cannot come from someone else, it has to come from within. He helped me out a LOT with money to help support my kids. He was a close companion who I could talk for hours to. But in the end he is not mine and never will be. It was never supposed to be like this, I made a mistake and i won't ever do it again. I just want to put it all behind me and hopefully one day I will meet a man who I can fall in love with and who will be the right one for me. I don't believe my husband and I will last. I don't think there is anything there between us anymore..obviously not because otherwise this would have never happened. happy people don't have affairs. Desperate, sad and hopeless people do though. And karma has bit me in the ass for doing it. I am just empty and hopeless right now. And I guess I deserve to feel shitty after being so deceitful for the last year even though my husband did everything possible to drive me away. It still was up to ME to make the right choices and I didn't.Am I a whore for cheating?
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affair, alcoholic, money, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2015): Sure you have a conscience, but when a man acts like this, he drives a woman to cheat. No, you aren't a whore.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (4 December 2015):
 I think you were a sad lonely woman who needed some love and someone to make you feel like a woman again. I was married to an alcoholic myself and I know how they can suck every bit of energy out of you and if abusive (mine was emotionally) their words are like a slow working poison..they sink into your brain and make you feel worthless. Its a very difficult, sad and lonely life being married to an alcoholic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My ex and I didn't have sex for about 5 years before I just couldn't take it anymore and left.
I certainly will not judge you. You show regret, remorse and I don't think in any way that you should call yourself a whore. We all deserve to be loved and wanted. You already say it was a mistake. I think more than anything you need to forgive YOURSELF. Cheating isn't right, that's true but I do so much understand where you are coming from. I started seeing someone immediately after I left my husband and he made me feel so happy. I had forgotten what it was like to be loved..to laugh, to have someone to confide in. It was wonderful! That man is now my husband. He was there for me through it all.
You say you know that its over between you and this man. So now you just need to go forward. I would certainly advise you to take care of your children, seek counselling for them if you aren't already (alcoholics can do so much damage to EVERY member of the family!), and get the divorce.
Forgive yourself sweetie. We all make mistakes. Its hard perhaps for some people to understand what you did..but I get it. You aren't flaunting what you did..you're a person with feelings and yes, you still have morals. Move forward. Good luck to you hun.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 December 2015):
 No. You're not a whore for cheating. You're human for making a mistake.
Ask yourself this, if you were single right now, what would you be doing? I don't mean dating or anything sexual or romantic. I just mean how would you spend your time? Did you have hobbies you've abandoned, a new skill you'd like to learn?
What's stopping you from doing some of those things now?
Your husband is what he is, so don't base your happiness on what he might or might not do. Live as if you were a single mum, with whatever benefit your husband provides (and there must be some benefit or you'd have left him long ago).
One day you probably will be single and you'll be wondering what to do with yourself. Why not start that now, small steps?
Being married to a man you're no longer in love with doesn't mean you have to be miserable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2015): exactly who are we to judge you?
in my opinion if you weren't offering a bunk up for a buck or two you are not a whore, just an ordinary person, a mother who took an escape route through an open door.
you should know in yourself if it was a sex for cash transaction.
if you want morals thrown in your face i should imagine you would want to go to a church to a confessional etc but if you are just uncertain of your self esteem right now how would it help for a load of loud mouthed individuals to bandy round unpleasant words?
you are a mother and it would be a good idea to concentrate on that fact and give the children a happy xmas.
your partners health problems may prevent him from having a normal sex life so perhaps he should get a prostate gland checkup just in case.
you might want a checkup for yourself too.
then those beautiful youngsters need a bit of mother love as mother seems to have been absent quite a bit and your ex partner should become history .
how you proceed after the festive period is for you to decide but dont make hasty decisions based on guilt.
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A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (4 December 2015):
Hi there,
No, please do not label yourself like that.
But as you yourself know, what you're indulging in is unhealthy. Clearly you are not happy in your own relationship and that is why you are looking for comfort and solace elsewhere. As you have rightly said, his family and yours will be hurt the most by this.
Stop this relationship right now. Think long and hard about your marriage and husband. You said that he is a nice person but that the relationship wasn't working out.
Are these issues really bad, like dealbreakers? Is he good to you? Does he treat you with love and care? Is he stable, mentally and financially? As long as the relationship isn't abusive I would say that you could try and work it out. Definitely, sometimes relationships do have an expiry date. But I feel like a huge amount depends on the couple - you and him - on how committed you are to trying and working things out.
Think about whether you want to stay in the marriage. If the answer is no, then tell your husband and start working on the dissolution of the marriage. If the answer is yes, then again, tell your husband that you are struggling with the importance of this relationship, and that such and such are things that he needs to work on and that you need to work on too.
But before anything else - break it off with the other married guy.
Do not call yourself ugly names. It is good that you feel bad about your husband and his wife, but the remedy to that is to stop with this unwanted relationship that will give everyone heartache - not to be abusive toward yourself and bring down your self-confidence further. It's good that your attitude is not to be dismissive and hurtful toward others' feelings, but this is another extreme that is not healthy either.
Break it off, and decide on what you want regarding your marriage. Then act accordingly.
All the very best.
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