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Am I a coward with a cold heart, for the way I choose to end relationships? How should I do it?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 January 2017) 13 Answers - (Newest, 24 January 2017)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

i,am a 50 year old female, been in a relationship for five months,he is really nice, romantic, but he isn't my type.

I like big bald football type of guys, he is the cowboys type, good looking, he does all the things a woman wants in a man,so how I end things is I ghost guys.

My close friends say I shouldn't do it like that, they say it's cold hearted, but it's easier for me.

How should I do it, when guys start to fall for me I run, my ex husband cheated on me, so I don't want to get hurt again

View related questions: my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2017):

You are dumping someone literally because of their physical appearance? How superficial are you? And also, you could have figured that out from the first date. YOu just have to have a very specific type of a "bald football player". THat sounds obsessive and strange. I take issue with people who say they have "types" rather than appreciating the beauty of all humankind.

Next how is it OK to ghost people, just because you were hurt?

Is it possible your husband cheated because he sensed that you lack a deeper nature to you, and dare I say it, the ability to love? You actually sound kind of frigid and without empathy. I hope very much that I am wrong and you will find your better side. The fact that you are at least reflecting on your behaviour shows some promise for working on your flaws. So, keep trying to develop empathy.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (23 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntEasier for you? Look at the damage your ex done to you now you want to do that to other men? Honestly sit him down and tell him it is not working. Please don't treat people like this, it is so hateful.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (22 January 2017):

mystiquek agony auntHave you considered that you have abandonment issues/trust issues and might benefit from seeking out counselling? Most of us have been hurt, its the chance you take when being in a relationship but it isn't right to blame every man you date for what one jerk did to you.

I think you are trying to hurry and date and maybe you just aren't ready.

It is very cold what you are doing...to possibly some very nice man. You aren't a teenager so act like a caring adult with some feelings. If you don't want to date someone thats fine, often it doesn't work out but but human enough to tell the guy! If you can't handle it face to face, call them, or worse case scenario, an email or a text (cold also but not as cold as ghosting!).

Just because you don't want to date someone doesn't mean that you can't be friends...you might be losing out on some nice friendships by just running away like a little child!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI don't get you at all.

Because your EX-husband treated you badly, you now have permission to treat others with disregard? How is that for logic?

IF you have dated someone for 5 months and get "cold feet" or decides he isn't for you, HAVE the CLASS, GRACE, and COMMON DECENCY to break up and wish them well.

Don't be a coward.

And if your ex-husband still dictates your life don't date till you have that issues WORK on. Don't take it out on other men.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017):

What goes around comes around as they say ..

Whether female or male .. absolutely no excuse for this . You could easily ask him for a friendly chat explain that you like him as a friend but nothing more and if he was willing maybe he would like to be friends .. choice is his .. genuine friends and nice peeps are hard to come by ..

Absolutely stunned sorry

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017):

Why dont you just tell him your done with dating and you hope he finds "the one!"

For all you know he might have quite a few admirers.

If you cant do that then you could send an oblique text:

Cant see you tonight Im seeing Billyboy!

He will rush to drop you.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (22 January 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSo you've been hurt once and now you're hurting many guys by disappearing without a word? OP, you're not even waiting until things go wrong, so you're ruining your chances too.

Be mature about it and tell them in person. That said, you'll never be happy if you leave people before things go south, just because you're scared you'll get hurt.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017):

Your ex husband has so much power over your life long after his own failure with you. He still determines how you feel and fear your new effort at life. Tsk tsk. Until you deal with your past relationship and come out strong, you will remain weak, a coward living under a rock wasting 5 months with someone who isnt your type to begin with.

Advice, dont date or seek companionship until you relearn the value or honesty and maturity otherwise you will leave emotional corpses in your path, just as your ex husband did.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (22 January 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYes, it's cowardly to do that to people, especially nice people.

This guy did nothing wrong to you. If he had treated you badly, I would have said you owe him nothing and ghosting him is absolutely fine to get him out of your life. However, this genuinely nice guy treated you well. His only "sin" was that he liked you too much. It must have hurt him like sh*t to suddenly get cut off with no explanation and to be left wondering what he had done wrong.

It sounds like you really should be concentrating on getting your own issues sorted out, the baggage from your marriage, rather than taking our your hurt on nice guys who are looking for genuine ladies to date. Give yourself a break from dating while you sort out your head.

And don't accept dates from men who are not your "type" if you are really that set in your ways. You knew this man was not your "type" 5 months ago. Why date him? To get him to fall for you so you could take out your hurt from the past on him? Not nice, honey. I know sometimes, when we are hurting (as you obviously still are), we want to lash out and hurt others but this man was not the one who hurt you.

Sending HUGS because I know how much it hurts to be cheated on. Don't turn into a horrible person because you got hurt by one.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (22 January 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntWith kindness ,respect, maturity and in person.

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A female reader, ladybird5 Australia +, writes (22 January 2017):

ladybird5 agony auntHow would you feel if you were dropped in this callous way?

Would you feel positive about a person who ghosted you? Especially if you had really made a good effort to get to know the person?

Develop your empathy and maybe find an online quiz on emotional intelligence.

one you start using more empathy and develop more emotional intelligence you may realize how many really good men you have unfairly discarded.

think of a person you really respect and admire. would they discard people in the way you have chosen to discard people

a good companion is out there for you, but not while you keep on discarding people on a whim

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017):

Yes, that is very mean what you did.

Think about HIM and not YOU.

He is NOT your ex husband. He is not the ONE who CHEATED on you.

Ok?

So, do not crucify him and all other men for the sins of your ex.

You were with him for five months. That is long enough to be a decent and kind human being to him.

Call him and tell him you'd like to meet him and tell him face to face what you are feeling and thinking.

Do not take the coward's way out. Imagine how you would feel in HIS shoes. Have some empathy for him.

So what if he is not your type? And so what if he is not somebody you want a relationship with? Why can you not be friendly with him? If he wanted to remain just friends, could you do that?

I think that you should have known well before now he "wasn't your type" although I just think that's an excuse. I think you got cold feet and you shot him down for fear you will be hurt.

I do think in order to successfully date moving forward and not to hurt other men like this due to your own issues, you need some counselling and some time alone to find yourself again; to be healthy and whole so that you have something to offer a man. You are not ready for any relationships right now. You are going to sabotage them all. And it isn't fair on a man who is investing his heart in you. Own up to your actions. I would highly suggest if you want to clear you conscience and not feel like a total ass, you need to talk to him. Trust me, you will feel better and so will he.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017):

It is indeed burning all your bridges and no doubt leaves the guys with a empty feeling in their hearts.

Guys prefer honesty.

If guy is not right for you then usually you will know that early on. don't lead a guy on, only to end things so cruelly.

Please consider seeking some counselling as it sounds like you have some serious commitment issues and an idealized look in your mind as to what an ideal guy should look like.

This is a great pity as you may be tossing away potentially great relationships in the process as you abandon each successive guy you come across.

The inside is more important than just the outside

You are doing something right that the guys are treating you well. do you not enjoy being cherished?

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