A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I recently entered a new relationship after being in a long term one for the majority of high school. I had sex once with my ex, to be blunt it was awful. I couldn't even feel him inside of me because there was so much pain. We were intimate together nearly two years before having sex, I'd begun to achieve countless orgasms through fingering, oral sex, masturbation, and non-penetrative humping. I didn't expect the sex to hurt at all, especially not as badly as that. There was no blood, but I didn't really expect there to be as I'm very athletic/use tampons. To put it out there though, the time that we had sex was not a good time in our relationship. I think that we had never sex again because I was turned off by the pain and he was turned off by the fact that I didn't enjoy it. Now onto my new partner. I care about them immensely and feel that I'm ready to have sex with them. However, I fear that it will be awful with them. My question is, how can I prepare myself before/during sex so that I won't be in as much pain?
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fingering, my ex, oral sex, orgasm, tampon Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (28 December 2013):
 The first answer is always the bottom one.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (28 December 2013):
 Female anon reader, if you're referring to my answer, then if you bother to read my profile you will see that I am a highly qualified medical expert in this field and DO know what I'm talking about!
If I am right then your answer could well make this condition much worse.
What are your qualifications?
AB
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 December 2013):
 I would honestly go see your GYN and have a check up. Make sure everything is right as rain below deck.
Then I wouldn't HAVE or even ATTEMPT to have sex til you feel ready, make sure you tell your BF.
To me, it sounds like you were too tense the first time and even if you were not aware of it you might have been clenching your muscles and if you weren't WET enough or relaxed enough, penetration isn't always painless.
Some people suggest dildos. Normally I don't advocate that, because sex isn't just about insertion. Bu since you obviously had no problem reaching your climax without penetration, it might not be bad thing to try (dildos) however, I would just go really slow with your BF and let him know that the first attempt was exactly pleasurable. If he is a good guy he will go slow and listen to you and your needs.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): The first answer is just nonsense - I don't even know what they're on about and I also don't think you should fear too much about being diagnosed with a condition by someone online either (why are answers like that allowed?)
You say yourself the first time wasn't at a great time in the relationship so you were probably not aroused enough to be ready, as someone else has already suggested too. Just take things slowly, and enjoy it without worrying if sex is happening next - just be prepared in case it leads to that and if not it might next time. If, for some reason you do have trouble time and time again then I would suggest asking a doctor for advice. But the most important thing is to feel comfortable and relaxed and it should be easier.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (26 December 2013):
I think you may have a condition called vaginimus. You can enjoy foreplay and penetration with a partner's fingers but will find that penile penetration causes immense pain.
This is because the vaginal muscles (at the entrance to the vagina) will involuntarily contract and spasm thus making penetration excruciatingly painful or (in some cases) impossible. This IS NOT your fault or your partners. It can, however be treated.
Firstly you should see a Dr or a sexual health clinic to confirm this diagnosis and get some help. This condition is more common than you might realise and is often psychological rather than physical.
Physical causes should be ruled out first to ensure there are no injuries or infections (I do not mean sexually transmitted ones) then you can be assessed to see how the condition affects you personally.
Just because you can use tampons or can enjoy or tolerate "fingering" does not mean you do not have this condition.
It is often treated with set of vaginal dilators that you would use yourself (or with a partner) gradually increasing in size until you can enjoy penetration with a penis with no pain.
Some sufferers benefit from counselling or cognitive therapy.
There are many websites offering support and information for woman who have this condition and I would urge you to check them out.
You are not abnormal and you are not alone, however because you have experienced pain on penetration you will be very nervous the next time (especially with a new partner) and this will make the muscles contract harder in anticipation of pain thus creating a catch 22 situation.
You need to break this cycle and get some help. Well done for being brave enough to share this problem, I'm sure there are others reading your story who are thinking "that's happening to me!"
I hope this helps you AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): If your first partner wasn't gentle, and there wasn't sufficient lubrication; the first time can be pretty awful.
Size does count when you're new at penetrative sex. If you are petite and not not used to penetration; you'll feel raw from friction. If you're not mentally prepared for penetration, you will not naturally lubricate, or maybe not enough. You also have to be careful with the feminine products; or you can upset the natural pH. It will burn.
You are scared; so your body will be ridged. Your muscles will tighten and you'll be tense. You have to let your boyfriend relax you. He should be wearing a condom, and you can use the wide variety of excellent new lubricants on the market these days. They make penetration easier ;and they have additives that make it more pleasurable for women, with the use of condoms.
If you are athletic, you are also somewhat muscular. So that makes you tighter than a female who isn't as active. So foreplay and making out is essential in getting your natural lubrication to flow; and your body to be relaxed and submissive to penetration.
Explain how you feel to your boyfriend so he knows how gentle and affectionate he must be for you. Make sure he isn't too rough, or doesn't rush you. Feel safe in his arms. He really wants you to enjoy it. So easy does it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): Hi, I'm the OP. To janniepeg, I'm not worried about my current partner being "awful" specifically, what I meant by awful was the pain that I experienced when I had sex with my ex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 December 2013):
You know what foreplay is and you had been turned on before. Maybe the guys you had been with are well endowed. You may want to play with small dildos at first and work your way to bigger ones. I mean, you use tampons and I find them painful to use and I never use them. Also why do you say you have a new partner and then say ready to have sex with "them," it will be awful with "them?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): Just sleep with your current b/f as much as possible so not to risk sleeping with anyone else to risk sti's. especially for example if he hasn't had sex for example, it's better to continue to be with the one you lost it to so not to experiment outside away from guys who are not him. Even if your in college, it's just grody, and it's best not to be mislabeled a slut or manwhore.
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