A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So I have been having an affair for the past 8 months( yes I know I'm the biggest idiot / careless / reckless / selfish personAss hole in the world) and yes I am asking for help from people who will judge me and make comment Althoe the hole reason I'm posting this is to get out of this situation and make it the least painful for all involved and less felt by the unknown people- husband kids family etc and consider the options.So those who have never had an affair - it's not something you plan to happen- I didn't plan to stuff up any persons life or make anyone lie and sneak around. I thought my life was fine. I had a simple life it was easy.I'm 31 yo single, sucesful , lots of good friends,Great social seen at my house / revolving door as people seem comfortable here- something always happening. Drinks, pool, spa, people , fun.So my neighbours whom become great friends with - married coupleHanging out, activities the lot really good people.Party at my house - end of the night it was me and neigbour left in the spa -the husband was away - myself and her could allways talk on a different and deeper level - nothing sexual that I thought . One thing let to another and we have been sexual partners for 8 months.Any chance we could get, in the middle of the day late at night when ever there was a chance and whilst being high on cocaine, nights in a row for hours on end. and still trying to function life and work as normal- very intense, secretive, the thrill of knowing we where being bad.It's seriously addictive.So in these time we had a no strings attached and also disscused every detail of our minds- it's very interesting as we didn't have to worry about hurting each other as we knew or thought it was just a physical relationship- so from both of us for the first time in our lives discussed how we had depression - anxiety -how our lives where a big farcarde. I'd never told a soul as I was the person looked up to amoungst my friends family and work colleges. To her hating life as being a married mother- admitting she didn't have 1 close friend she could talk to about her problems.With this we started hanging out even more, it was sex and cocain at every chance, where ever and when ever we had the chance.So as we think where smarter than everyone else we started helping each other improve and work on our normal lives, do new things in our lives to improve and carry out life as originally planed, Making new friends for her to getting help with depression - a positive step back to our lives.Problem is, as we have gone throught this together we are unable part ways from each other company - we share a fence How and what can we do????Any advise will help. Ps: I already am aware the drugs don't help the situation( sorry that's my arrogance coming out)Also note I'm aware of the poor punctuation / spelling.I'm on an iPhone and rushing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2022): I stumbled across this online. If I told someone how I have been living they would call me crazy among other cruel things.
In August of last year I took a bad fall. My family could not take me in but my ex husband offered to. We had remained friends since our divorce in 2004.
As has been already said herein, someone who does drugs and also cheats thinks they are invincible. They are oblivious to the world around them other than their paranoid behavior of getting caught with the drug itself.
It did not take me long to discover that my ex was using and using a lot. Every half hour. It also did not take me long to figure out at the rate he was using he had to be selling to keep up with his own habit.
The first 3 nights I stayed here I knew something was being done to me to make me sleep. I have a habit of getting up for two reasons. One to snack in the night and also to go to the bathroom. When I woke up I was in a drunk state. I had to hang on to things to get to the bathroom.
Because I am a good guest, I soon learned he went through double and triple the underware he should be putting in the laundry. I picked up on he was out of the house at night. He would sometimes be in his car where he left butted cigarettes under the mat and used tissue to "clean up". I was curious as to how far he would take things to cheat and use. It was amazing. The lies he would tell. Example. He was having trouble with his email. He asked me to assist him in figuring it out. During the process I discovered a Profile for a woman who lives around the corner. When I asked him about it he accused me of putting her profile on his computer. Really? He will do anything to cover up his "relationships" with other women. Kind of stupied when we have been divorced for 18 years don't you think?
I soon discovered he had someone in the house at night. They were doing cocaine and having sex, right under my nose (excuse the pun). She is married and lives one block away.
When I first moved in we set ground rules. We discussed dating. He said he was done with that, wanted no part of it. I said I did not want to date either. We agreed if we needed to revisit this we would do so. I made a deal with the devil. I have been here 10 months working on myself. I am taking TMS Therapy for depression. Seeing a Geriatrics Phycologist. I quit drinking 11 weeks ago. Am trying to quit smoking.
He had me here to in his words to "help me get better". What a joke.
Yes, I need to get a place and move on. But I wanted to share my story because it is so unbelievable.
He would drug me to have the ability to have a coke whore in this house at night for 3 hours or more. Turn off the security cameras so he can get her in undetected. All the time claiming to love me and wants ME TO GET BETTER.
There is no possible way the neighbors have not seen this night after night. But does anyone step up to the plate? NO.
In December I confronted her husband who (get this) is a phyciatrist. He told me I was delusional. No doubt she has figured out how to make him sleep while she goes on her merry way nights.
In 2010 he went to rehab for alcohol abuse. Looking back he had a duel addiction and was able to buffalo the professionals. He is slowly committing cocaine suicide.
One of the comments on here hit home. How will he explain if she OD's here in this house? I have numerous recordings of their escapade's. I don't feel good about doing it, but I had to know I was not crazy and imagining this was going on.
There is much more to this story, but I think this is enough to point out that drugs cause people to do evil things they would not normally even think about. The lies that they will tell are unbelievable.
In my case he would play on my depression and anxiety to save his own ass and hers. Gaslight me over and over.
To the man who posted - you need serious help. But only if you are serious about getting better. If not don't waste our time or the time of a professional. Your days will be numbered. You think you have problems now? Secrets never stay secrets. There is always someone willing to talk. But more than just these facts, what a screwed up way to live. Do you really enjoy this road you are on? What will it take for you to clean up your act and possibly reach out and help someone else? I have no pity for you. Your in your own pity party. Shit or get off the pot.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 build a taller fence and go to AA/NA meetings for your alcohol and drugs and Al-anon or Coda for your addiction to each other.
that's my advice. Hope it helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): You've become comrades and confidants. Cheaters and druggies all rolled into one. You've fashioned and shaped each other into the images of the fantasy playmates you want. Then you both over-inflate your egos, and feed-off your senses of entitlement, recklessness, and adolescent irresponsibility. Feeling you don't have to play by any rules, respect any boundaries, or care about anyone's feelings but your own. That's the drug talking.
Your relationship is purely recreational. It is meaningless, and you're both using your home as a playground. You don't really have a true working and functioning adult-relationship. You've tried to compensate for your guilt and dishonor, by claiming to help each other. That's a lot of bull, and you're trying to give the mess you've made some legitimacy. Like it's a love-affair you can't help.
That's the crap you read in bed-side novels. People have the option of self-control and respect for others. Randomly giving into your impulses either lands you in jail, or an early grave. Don't feed us the bullshit about how you can't help yourself. You feel so entitled, you don't feel you should have to! Cheating is cheating, kiddo! WiseOwlE has to give this to you straight. You need it.
You've countered all your positives with negatives; by being selfish, and using cocaine for fuel. You went behind your friend and neighbor's back to "covet his wife." You want to break every rule in the name of fun and games; but you are doing it with a fervent energy that is going to have a vicious turnabout, and will rock your world in a very very bad way.
You like living life on the edge? Imagine this. She winds up over-dosed in your house; or her heart stops from a bad batch of nose-candy! You'll have a lot of explaining to do to the police, and your life will be in the papers and on the news. Forget about a job, my friend. All your fun toys and your house will disappear; and you'll be some big guy's bitch in a cramped five by six cell. You'll become an embarrassment to your family. They'll have to visit you in a prison, miles away. They'll watch your average to good-looks decline, as prison-life takes its toll on your health and appearance. Your backside will no longer be an exit.
You needed to hear this. You wanted to read what I'm writing; because you've lost touch with your sense of values, and feel you're out of control. I'll give you plenty to think about. Not to judge and demean you. To console your guilt; and hopefully get you back on track, before you lose everything you've worked for. Before you both spiral into addiction and/or kill yourselves. Before you create pain in your lives that could take the rest of your lives to recover from. You're causing a path of destruction that is leading to a terrible end. Others will be hurt in your wake.
You're young, but not that young.
You've lived long enough to have sown your wild oats; and should be more structured and mature in your thinking. You should have your proverbial "act together." You can enjoy the fruit of your labors, and generously share and entertain your neighbors. Now it's gone beyond that.
Now you're behaving like two hormone-junkies, destroying your lives with cocaine; and indulging your every whim, maybe slowly killing yourselves. Finishing-off her already unhappy marriage, by adding yet more toxic elements. Drugs and infidelity. How you feel you've helped each other? That is well beyond any stretch of the imagination. Truth be told, you're just a couple of coke-heads. You've pulled someone down with you. She was lonely and looking for a shoulder. You've both taken it far beyond that.
I frequently warn OP's of the karma that results from going after someone who belongs to somebody else. Payback for crossing boundary-lines that you know should not be crossed. You eventually pay the piper for your exploits, and living-out your wildest-fantasies. Having no remorse for the harm done. Destroying your good mind and body in the process.
Some things are better left to the imagination; because wicked fantasies don't hurt you. It is when we try to make them reality that the real consequences comes to light. Fantasies don't need boundaries; because they are in an imaginary or virtual-world. They should remain locked in the subconscious-mind, in the realm where they belong. When you bring them into the world of reality, that's when you learn what seemed harmless and fun, just guilty-pleasures; can over-take your life, overrule your self-control, and rob you of all the rewards you've taken a life-time to build and accomplish. You become a hot-mess!
Well, you and your lady-friend are living in the world of reality. Drugs lower the inhibitions and impair the judgement. Most of your activities during your affair is under the influence of cocaine. That drug of choice, combined with alcohol, is the devil's favorite tool for ruining lives, marriages, and careers. You now see the error of your ways, but you are now so far into a hole; you can no longer see the light above you. It's still there.
You reached out for help, you still have possession of your faculties. You should quit spending your time with her. End it, no matter how abruptly you choose to do it. Even if it raises suspicion. Do you really think nobody knows? People peep through windows and see everything. Scandal doesn't like to be contained, it likes showing-off! It's like holding a raw egg in the palm or your hands, it manages to leak no matter how hard you try to keep it from seeping through your fingers. You'll get tired of trying. It's too gross and messy.
If it is somehow accidentally discovered by her husband; you are in a load of bull manure. She will make a full confession under pressure; and most of this is your doing!
She isn't without blame, she's no angel. Cheated angry jealous husbands don't use a lot of mercy, consideration, or logic; when they find-out some guy was screwing his wife when he was away. Busting his ass to pay the bills, and helping her to maintain the lifestyle they've grown accustomed to. Then realizing he wrongfully trusted you while away. You may as well slide a stick of dynamite up your butt, douse yourself with petrol, and light-up! You've broken the bro-code in the worst way! You've broken laws, moral and ethical codes, you name it. You're pure trouble!
Not really intentionally. That's the problem.
This is when you truly need drug rehabilitation. When you feel you've gone too far, and you can't turn back. You're not only caught-up in addiction to the use of drugs, but addicted to each other as co-conspirators in your path down the road of self-destruction. The depression is going to return; because all the recovery processes are counteracted by drug-abuse, and other indulgences or activities that lead to disaster. Your affair, being one. The home-wrecking behavior, and your lack of self-respect. You don't need advice from someone who had an affair. You don't need empathy from former home-wreckers and cheaters! They've used the same rationale you use. They didn't seek redemption until they got caught, and created a world of pain.
Seriously, dude?!!
Shovel-on some more of that sense of entitlement!
You've lost sense of reason, nurturing your appetite for immediate-gratification. You're both intoxicated with the darkest-side of life. Now you're trying to legitimize a sordid-affair, and claim you're in-love. As if brought together by some act of fate. You were brought together by cocaine and hormones. You share addiction to cocaine, and you've lost the ability to see boundaries and you have no self-restraint. You've sought advice. That's a very good sign. A little angel tapped you on the shoulder.
This stuff seems like fun, until you're drawn too deeply into it. When you look into the mirror, and see the face of someone you don't know anymore. This is your turning-point. You're in a good phase right now; because you see how wrong it is. You are reaching out; and subconsciously, you want us to scold you and reset your value-system. By confession, you've set your soul free. You're going to get a variety of answers. I hope each and everyone will help you.
You need us all to tell you, you're a bad boy. A very very bad boy. You've lost all sense of self-control you once had. Right now, your family's pride and respect is misplaced. Only temporarily, until you get this all straightened out.
Good news! Judging by the fact you've submitted a post; you are facing the fork in the road. Before what goes around, comes around. If you don't stop; one day when you've found your one real true-love, you'll face your payback. You have time to rewrite your destiny. That's what life-lessons are for, my friend. That's what drew you to us.
You haven't met your karma yet. That won't come, if you take a new path. Stop the affair. Get yourself into drug rehabilitation, or drug-counseling. The "fence" you referred to, is a line of demarcation. It symbolically reminds you which sides you and this woman belong on. It reminds you that you're neighbors; and her marriage vows were made in commitment to someone else, for better or worse. Until those ties are legally-severed, and she is free to be with whomever she chooses. Which probably won't be you; since she will someday see how you've caused her a lot of trouble. Ruined her life. This is what you must face, regardless of how you redeem yourself. You still have to pay restitution for causing trouble that threw someone else off her path. You have contributed to the destruction of her marriage, and also encouraged her drug-use. Lets not forget that.
You must part ways. That's really not the problem. It's not wanting to give up your playmate, who still has a husband. You don't want to grow-up. You will be on the wrong-end of an angry husband's stare; and that could have literally "grave-consequences." She isn't your toy to play with, and her life isn't a video-game you can plug into whenever you see fit. Your make-believe love-affair is a sham, until she is legally divorced.
Go to rehab and clear your head. You will have a much different perspective on life after you're clean and sober.
Stay on your side of the fence, and don't engage in partying for awhile. Just seek some enlightenment. Do some soul-searching, experiment with meditation, and take a vacation for the purpose of cleansing, not partying. You have to dry-out and sober-up. You're really a decent guy from humble-beginnings, caught-up in success. It happens.
You don't see life through the eyes of a man, you see it as a frat-house party-animal. She was your Bonnie, and you are her Clyde. (Google it.) Their demise was not the prettiest. However; it is symbolic of a life that knows no boundaries and taking whatever you want when it isn't yours to take.
Life with drugs comes to a screeching halt. If that was what you wanted, you wouldn't have come here. You've got another 40 plus years ahead. You could find real-love, and have it all. This is not the way there. Please, please, please stop. No more cocaine, and let go of the girl. She's not yours.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (2 February 2015):
 No judgments here. You're right, most people don't go around specifically looking for affairs or intending to break up families. You freely state your actions bother you, which means your conscience works. It also means the solution lies in changing what you are doing.
Your request for advice for the least painful solution categorically rules out convincing this woman to leave her marriage and break up her family, so you need to end things. Yes, the end of the affair is going to be painful for both of you in the short term, but in the long term you both stand to benefit.
For her, maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs to get clean, be a better role model for her child(ren), and work on the marriage she's already in; for you, I'd consider it equivalent to dodging a bullet. Before you disagree with that statement, I would think long and hard about whether a married mother who cheats on her husband with his neighbor and abuses cocaine while presumably still responsible for her child(ren)'s well-being is someone you would like to have in your life for the long term.
You describe yourself as successful, which means you have a lot to lose here. I think it's important that you understand the risky position in which you've put yourself by mixing illegal substances and illicit sex. What happens if the husband finds out about the affair? If you have misread this woman and she does not actually want out of her marriage, she could easily claim that you gave her the drugs and then took advantage of her. Stranger things have happened, and even if you have the evidence to positively disprove such a claim in court, you'd potentially be looking at a nasty public airing of all your dirty laundry before you were able to successfully clear your name.
In your shoes, I'd break things off - and move, if it were at all possible. Not only is living next door to temptation going to make it much harder to end the relationship cold turkey, I'm guessing your current "social scene" is a factor in the drug abuse - which, as you freely admit, isn't helping anything. If you are absolutely unable to leave the area and move away from the influences that lead you to use cocaine, consider a drug treatment program for the cocaine habit if you're successful enough to afford it.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): What's sad is you'll realise at the end of it all that it was nothing more substantial than the thrill that's kept you together. You'll feel like a terrible person and you'll feel even more of a hypocrite. You'll are driving a wedge between those that look up to you and care about you by having this double life.You'll become more miserable as this goes on since you're not acting with integrity. You will see yourself as stupid or selfish. You'll feel guilty for breaking up their home and you will worry that no good woman will accept you in the future after all you've done. Mate, you are worsening your own situation by having this affair. You're setting yourself up to be even more distant and closed off with others. My advice is to move. Whatever it takes. Move house or city and don't look back
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): I read once somewhere that 80% of spouses cheat at least once in their life time. Obviously those who cheat do not do it with thin air, but with real persons.In my opinion and I have been there once the only way out is moving away to another far place without leaving an address behind, so there are no chance meetings or bumping to each other in the street or such.Otherwise it will go on and on, and end in divorce courts and broken homes.you have to decide which way you want.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (2 February 2015):
 I'm not gonna lecture you as you seem to have a pretty good understanding of where you've gone wrong.
Take a step back from this whole situation, and think about what you really want from life. What do you want to achieve? What do you want people to say about you at your funeral (which hopefully won't be for a very long time yet) because those are the things dear to your heart. Once you know what they are, make plans to work towards them.
Once you have purpose and direction in your life, the drugs and affair will be somewhere you don't want to return to.
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