A
male
age
26-29,
*astx
writes:Hey everyone, this is my very first post and I would like advice and tips on how to get a long term ex girlfriend back. My best-friend of 4 years, girlfriend of just over 2 broke up with me over a month ago and I would like to get back with her. The trigger of the break up was that I chose to go to a friends party rather than go to a her family party even-though I have agreed to go to my friends party one month prior.As a result she dumped me, no warnings whatsoever.Anyways, I ended up getting more answers post breakup. She said she does not feel connected to me as she use to. However, she clearly states that she loves me and wants to be with me. Its just the lost of spark that she once had from the start. After the break up, she kisses me and stuff and on my birthday(may) she states that after the breakup she promises to come back. Now (june), she doesn't even kiss me anymore. I think staying friends with her doesn't work out. Or maybe it was my unattractive behavior post breakup. I believe that the reason why she broke up was that our priorities was not aligned, as a result of this, I could not satisfy her and she ended up getting hurt from that. i called her and apologized sincerely as I am aware of this issue and prepared to work things out. 1 week before the breakup, it was amazing, lots of kisses and affection. Now its just, complicated. Anyways, we remained contact after the breakup for a month because i thought maybe being demoted to 'best friends' could end up getting back to her. Boy I was wrong. I was receiving hot/cold signals which made me very emotional, as a result, I would always question her about this relationship and if it is heading anywhere. Those mixed signals made me a mess, and I was insecure. I did this weekly because its painful to bear and i feel lost of where I stand in her mind. As a result of this, she feels stressful and tells me that I'm 'not attractive' and she states that she is not keen because of my behavior post breakup. She tells me to 'go with the flow and stay chill' but i have a huge hole in my heart. I questioned her about her promise and she doesn't mean it anymore. So, I started to do NC, for the sake of my unstable emotions. I'm a week in so far and i haven't heard anything from her yet. She still has photos of me and her on Instagram and Facebook but I should not be over analyzing these things. We both have hopes and dreams of being together, married ect ect. Her last msg to me was 'i hope your dreams come true'. She was my first love and a serious one. I do want to be with her and I was wondering whether if its too late to get her back. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): Accepting the finality of a breakup is very stressful, and gives you angst. You are feeding into your frustration by clinging on in desperation. She tried to ease your grief and pain by allowing you to hold on just a little while longer. Only to her own frustration. She wants totally out.
You're being very persistent, and can't take no for an answer. You have to accept that she isn't coming back; because she doesn't want to. You don't want her back, unless she feels the same way for you; as you feel for her.
Right? You don't want to give more than you get back.
When a person breaks-up with you for what seems to be something unreasonable or petty; it is because the relationship has run its course. They are grasping for any excuse to get out of it. She has wanted out for some time, and she doesn't know how to go about it without hurting your feelings. So now she's resorting to that. Hurting your feelings, to make you angry enough to just give-up.
Your post clearly indicates that you're not the type to let go easily; and she realizes that. She agreed to being friends, but that never works. You don't want to be "friends," you want to be her boyfriend. She's not going through some phase. She means it. She's done.
As a male, you have to learn to back-off; when a female wants out of a relationship. Refusing to do so, is asserting dominance. You don't want someone you have to force yourself on. She was honest with you when she finally admitted she's not keen on the post-breakup behavior. You're not backing off. You've exhausted all options, and the results are consistently the same. The answer is "no!"
I'm going to give it to straight. Man to man. Stop contacting her and let her go. It shouldn't take her father and other male members of her family to make you respect a boundary that has been set. You must raise our hands in surrender; and stop clinging to false-hope. All you're looking for is a weak-link that gives a sign she's giving-in to what you want. What "she" wants, is for you to move-on; and to allow her to do the same.
I will not help you to cling to false-hope; because that makes things all the more painful for you. You are also placing a female in a compromising situation; because she wants out, but you're not backing-off. That isn't good.
I don't care how painful it is; this is how we guys learn to man-up in difficult and emotional situations. It's another case of a when a woman says "no"...the answer is NO!!!
I know everyone wants to be empathetic to your feelings; and so do I. I also don't want you to be resistant to a young lady asking you to move-on. It's different when a guy doesn't listen. It becomes very scary for her. Do you see what I'm getting at?
It's hard, but you will survive. Go no contact for the purpose of protecting your feelings. Ignore her calls and don't view her updates on Facebook or Instagram. Don't snap-chat, text, email; or use any means of contact. It's time to nurse your feelings, and to deal with your loss and grief. Your mind needs to begin the detachment-process. Like breaking an addiction or habit. You seriously commit yourself to stop contacting her, or accepting her attempts to contact you. Otherwise; you'll get stuck in the same place. It eats through you like acid. You start to build-up anger. That's a no-no!
You must accept things as they are. Come back for our advice as often as necessary. The first few weeks are so very torturous. We're here for you. I know how you feel. I've been there too. Don't manipulate by playing on her sympathies, or sending her on a guilt-trip. That's not how a real man handles things. You want love, not pity. You must set your own guidelines and rules to be left alone; and respect hers.
It's time you deal with reality. Give yourself some privacy to let your emotions out. Don't bottle anything up. That does not mean venting your negative-feelings on her; or letting frustrated-emotions to be expressed through anger. I mean cry, if you feel like crying. Talk to your parents, your closest buddy, you have to let your feelings out. Punch a punching bag, workout real hard, take a run. Let it out. That is, with you still at the control-switch.
No angry drunk-texting, showing up unexpectedly; or late-night tearful phone-calls. Don't behave pathetically, or whine like a big baby. You're a man. A man in pain. A man undergoing heartbreak. It's pure hell.
It takes time to get over the shock. Then to detach. Cut your losses, and finally accept that it is over. Getting over her will take time. It doesn't just wear-off over-night. It is a struggle, and a lengthy process. It gets worse before it gets better. I know, because I've been there and done that. I devote my spare time to helping others through it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 June 2015):
 This is not scientific nor is it guaranteed. If you want to get her back you have to stop trying to get her back. You have to stop looking at her facebook or other social media.
You need to get active and busy with friends and post a lot about it. Go to the gym, or as you are in Australia, you have all sorts of outdoor activities to enjoy. Use your time to be physically active, socially active and get so busy you don't have time to wonder what the hell she's up to.
If you are staying in, looking at facebook, sitting around moping, STOP IT! Turn off the devices that link you to her. Turn on the devices that keep you busy and occupied and productive.
Stay OFF Instagram and Facebook for a week. Block your devices if you have to.
You have made her your focus and what you seem to have lost here is what YOU want.... if you can't see past her then it's time for a life reboot. You will survive this and you may find yourself in the situation of realizing that your life is ahead of you and she's done you a huge favor by ending the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 June 2015):
 I don't think you can "win" her back. I think like many other relationships you two grew apart, your ex mentioned getting back together, because she wasn't sure - now she IS more sure and might not WANT to get back together.
Honestly, and I know this is not what you want to hear. I'd remove myself from her instagram, Facebook etc. And stick with the NC.
You said it yourself you behaved in a manner SHE didn't like after the break up, so being friends is out of the question. Take some time, WORK on you. Don't sit around and WAIT for her to maybe, perhaps, possibly change her mind. LIVE your life. Since you JUST broke up I'd advice NO dating for a while, at least till you can let her go 100%.
Hopes and dreams sometimes change. People aren't "constant" in the same phase their whole life and couples aren't always in sync.
Let her go. She might realize what she had with you is what she wants, might might realize that being single is what she NEEDS. YOU can't control how she feels or thinks, nor can you change her mind.
Sorry.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 June 2015):
 You're right about friendship after breakup not working out, because you can't be "just friends". You did the right thing by going No Contact.
Make sure you don't leave a "back door". Block her, delete her from social media, and clear your heart of her. As long as you keep pining after her, and as long as you keep her FB friends, other social media, and texting, you haven't fully let go.
She mistreated you by dumping you over a family party. You had a prior commitment, and you're not married to her. There's no obligation to drop your own plans to do what she wants you to do. She tried to control you. Two people walk together because they're going in the same direction. She can't expect a boyfriend to just be like a trained vanity chihuahua, doing whatever she wants to do whenever she wants to do it. And you have a life as well.
You can't bend to trust issues, and you have your own set of life's obligations. Your friends are important as well. Her trying to cut you off from them or throwing a fit because of a prior commitment is mistreatment.
My advice to you is to stay No Contact. Take it one day at a time. It will get better if you let it. Obsessing over her will never help. Fill the void by doing other things. Your friends, your studies, your hobbies. Make you life rich and full. Cutting her off fully will allow you to grieve the relationship's end, and then move on. Keeping contact or even staring at her FB page to see what she's doing keeps you from healing like you should.
All of us have had first loves that ended badly. I caught my first love in the act of cheating on me, caught him and his ex making out right before my very eyes. and that is a pain I have never forgotten and didn't think I'd ever recover from, but somehow, many tears and sad songs later, I did. I had other relationships after that that meant more. I'm married to the man who means the most to me.
This girl is bad news. You must get back on your feet, or you may miss the awesome stuff around the corner. I look at what happened as a blessing in disguise, and I think you will too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2015): Yeah,man it is too late (for the next couple of years)...Btw, I encourage people to stay friends with exes BUT not to pine after them.There will be feelings sure, but if you really want to be friends with her, you should NOT want to be with her.Treat her like you'd treat a mate of yours.No more,no less.If that's too difficult right now (I do understand), BUT you still want too remain friends (nothing more!!! don't get any ideas!!)Then I'd send her one last msg saying : "I really thought were not just lovers, but also best friends. If you think we can be friends again please contact me in 3/X months' time so that we can remain in each other lives' platonically. I do have your best interests at heart, now and always, however I used to love you too, so I'm too hurt to be in contact with you straight away. I do hope that your dreams will come true too and that I will be there to see them come true, just not right now" In your head you have to add "and NOT with me".YOu have to prepare yourself for the reality that if you do stay in touch you might very well see her in someone else's arms and that you should be happy that she found love with someone else (even if it's not you).If you can NOT do that, then I'd avoid the friends things. No one wants their bitter ex around. A friend-yes, a bitter ex-no.So in essence: you can NOT make someone love you. If the spark is gone and she has fallen out of love with you, broken up with you etc.Leave it as it is. Life is funny. You might find your way back to each other in 5/10/15 years' time? OR you may not.Question is-will you be happy to know how she is doing in 15 years' time or would you rather not know? Coz that's what you are signing up for.You are NOT signing up for "let's get back together".
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A
female
reader, Blue10  +, writes (24 June 2015):
Keep the NC going
She'll realise and contact you
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