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A man who she has been dating for 3 weeks gets more recognition than I did in 3 years!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Gay relationships, Social Media, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 19 July 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I am so upset and livid right now and I just need some words of wisdom and kind responses to bring me back down.

I'm a gay female. I spent 3 years in a relationship with a woman. I was the only woman that she'd ever been with. It was one of the most significant relationships of my entire life. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We didn't workout in the end for many reasons. We were unable to remain friends because it was just too hard. We only recently began speaking again civilly within the last few months. We've been working on a friendship.

During the course of our relationship, she kept me a complete secret from her family and many of her friends. This was something I was not used to because I had been out of the closet for over a decade. But I loved her and wanted to give her patience and time to get comfortable. Well it never changed. I was always kept a secret for the entire 3 years. I was never allowed to post anything on social media and I was certainly not allowed to come over and meet her family or hang out with anyone that she was friends with. I even got stuffed in a closet one time when her mom randomly showed up at her apartment unexpectedly. It felt horrible. It was one of the more painful things I've experienced in a relationship. It always made me feel entirely inadequate and that she was ashamed of me.

She hadn't had a committed relationship since her and I split. Well her and a close guy friend of mine met and began dating and eventually made the relationship official. I was okay with this as I don't have feelings for her like that anymore. I was happy for them because they seemed happy together. They've been seeing each other for 3 weeks and we've all hung out and it's been completely cool. Well I come home tonight and see on social media that they have listed each other as in a relationship together. 3 years together and an engagement and nothing, but a man she has been dating for 3 WEEKS gets more acknowledgement than I ever did.

It devastated me and I didn't expect it to hurt so damn bad. I called her And told her how incredibly upsetting it was and she genuinely apologized but I can't accept it. She always claims to be an activist for the gay community and preaches equality. Yet when she had the chance to treat me like an equal in a relationahip, she failed. She had me in closets literally. No pun intended. But when with a man, it's no problem. Some advocate. Too afraid to even acknowledge my existence after everything we had been through. I told her I didn't know when I would get over it. That at some point I probably will but it wasn't right now, and that she belittled my entire relationship with her.

She genuinely did apologize and act like she recognized she did me completely wrong but that doesn't make me feel any better. A man who she has been dating for 3 weeks gets more recognition than I did in 3 years. And I just don't know how to reconcile that in my brain.

I just got really upset. Can anyone offer any kind words or any input that might make me feel better? I don't expect everyone to be able to understand or relate to how this feels. But it feels genuinely terrible. Thanks in advance.

View related questions: my ex

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (19 July 2017):

Dionee' agony auntHi OP.

Well, you were hidden and you did not let your ex know that it was unacceptable.

The truth is,its easier to remain in the closet in a same sex relationship under such circumstances when you haven't come out yet than it is to just be honest.

Now that she's in a much more openly accepted relationship, she feels no need to hide anymore.

Yes it may be frustrating and it sure is unfair but I'm sure that it isn't anything personal. Perhaps your ex just wasn't as ready as you were for the relationship therefore you were very prepared and willing to shout your love from the hilltops.

As previously mentioned, you were forced back into the closet.

This relationship might not mean more, its just happening under more 'comfortable' circumstances.

I hope that this has cleared up that issue for you.

Good luck OP. I hope that you find the strength to move on.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (16 July 2017):

chigirl agony auntI get it, I get how you feel. But at the same time, you WILLINGLY stayed in the relationship and ALLOWED her to hide you. You didn't post your relationship online despite her wishes, you didn't tell her she either commits in public or it's the end of things. You accepted this treatment, and you fully knew that this wasn't how she treated guys in a relationship. This was only how she treated you, because you were in a homosexual relationship together. It took her one year, you accepted it. Two years, you accepted it. And even three years went buy, and still this wasn't the reason you split up. So you accepted it. You knew the reason why she hid you, and you knew that when she'd been in relationships with men in the past, that she didn't hide them.

So, this might still feel like shit, but maybe it will help you feel better about things. The time when this should have hurt, the time when this should have been an issue for you... it was back then, when it happened. But you blocked it out and I dunno, lied to yourself about her maybe one day being open and honest and acknowledging you? The truth is, she was never going to be honest about you and your relationship. Not even an engagement made her be honest about being in a relationship with you! You KNEW this. You ACCEPTED it.

So, take it as a lesson to never accept this treatment again, or at least be honest with yourself that when you accept being a secret, then you accept the pain. This is like asking for a tattoo, and then afterwards you want your money back because it hurt. You KNEW this going in. You accepted the deal. No use in complaining after the fact.

Does it hurt? Of course. But should you be mad and sad about this now? No. You were mad and sad about it then, and the time to be upset about this was then, when it was happening. Not now, long after the fact, even if you were just reminded of it.

And I don't think you should try forcing a friendship with her. The pain isn't gone. You might not have romantic feelings for her, but you're still not healed from the damage she caused you. So give yourself time to heal and not just get over her per se, but also get over the pain she inflicted on you. The pain that you appear to have begun to realize that you are carrying. Heal from this pain first, before you attempt a relationship. Until then, block or hide posts from and don't talk to her or meet up with her. You're not done with this. You need more time.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntSo you're upset that a woman who kept her homosexual relationship secret for 3 years to avoid a confrontation with her family is willing to immediately announce a heterosexual relationship that won't cause any drama in her family? Wise up.

She was merely virtue signalling and you deluded yourself into believing that she was working up the courage to come out, and now you feel betrayed, when you should really just feel foolish. A lot of people who claim to support this or that cause are merely virtue signalling in order to look good to their peers. All you need to do is look at the people that they speak to about things. If they only stand for something when it's safe, then they're virtue signalling.

Instead of being upset, learn from it and wise up.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry you went through this.

My advice? LEARN from this. Don't date people who aren't READY and WILLING to share you with family and friends. Don't date people who SAY one thing by doing another.

I don't think she is gay at all. She might be bi-curious so the idea of dating a woman (you) was something she wanted to "try". She didn't want EVERYTHING that normally comes with dating a person of the same gender or even opposite gender.

You were, in short, her dirty secret for 3 years. And I can see why THAT must be hurtful.

She says she realizes how wrong she treated you but words (again) are cheap and doesn't really help you.

So now you know, don't COMPROMISE your own standards ever again (not saying it's YOUR fault that she behaved like a cow) but KNOW that if you start dating someone and they don't WANT to share their love for you with their family and friends, don't want to be seen in public with you, don't really WANT to acknowledge the relationship that they are NOT for you.

One thing I DO get with some homosexual and bi-sexuals who PREFER to not be out to the whole world due to career and work - I get that but even such a person might NOT be for you.

While I know this isn't helping much, be glad you didn't end up marrying her. She might have gone through with it yet would have wanted to hide that too. You deserve more from a partner than she was willing to give.

I would also stay away from her social media and HER.

Chin up.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (15 July 2017):

There are no words that are going to make you feel any better because you aren't upset with her you're upset with yourself. And rightly so. When an out gay person dates a closeted gay they voluntarily go back in the closet and that is the worst type of betrayal because you betrayed yourself and your principles. And for what? A woman who doesn't have the courage to be herself and didn't care about you enough to allow you to be who you are.

No one is so smart pretty sexy or handsome to betray yourself for him/her.

You now know that if you ever find yourself dating a closeted woman again that you need to tell her upfront that the price of admission to you is that your relationship will be open from the start otherwise it's goodbye.

I just hope for the sake of your male friend that this woman isn't using him as a beard otherwise he's going to end up hurt also.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (15 July 2017):

I'm really feel for you, she didn't feel for you like you did for her. If there is a lesson to take from this it is that you should look at someone's actions not listen to their words. If someone won't stand beside you it matters more than a thousand words. Ultimately she was a coward or a liar and you were better without her. I hope this consoles you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (15 July 2017):

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Sending hugs.

I really don't know if there are words that will make you feel better. I am sure you realize that this is HER problem and that, despite talking the talk, she is completely incapable of walking the walk.

Please never settle for being someone's dirty secret again. Find someone who is proud to publicly acknowledge their love for you. Then you will realize why it didn't work out with this woman.

Only you can decide whether you are capable of being friends with her. In your shoes I would cut all contact until you can think of her without hurting so much.

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