Dear Agony Aunts,I am writing with not so much a problem, but merely a situation that I have found myself in. In my workplace people come and go transiently, staying for a few months at most then leaving. Around this time last year I was working with a man who is married and has a family. He is a very outgoing gregarious man and I regretfully was briefly taken in by his attention and found myself attracted to him. He continued to flirt and escalated things with me until he kissed me in the corridor at work when we were alone. Like I've said, I really do regret that I must have somehow encouraged him in some way but I think this was subconscious as I am very attracted to him. After this kiss, he got physically close to me at work the next day but was overtly teasing in his manner and when I realised he was purely playing with me I felt angry in the moment and called him an asshole. He then pulled me aside an hour later and attempted to apologise for his behaviour and said that perhaps he "teased" me too much. This was the last time I saw him until a few weeks ago. When we bumped into each other he asked me if I could do him a favour and he would tell me what it was next time I saw him. It turns out he wanted me to go to dinner with him. I was evasive. This dinner then turned into a lunch which I tried to avoid, but he was so persistent I gave in and agreed. I feel so stupid for this and have vowed to be stronger in future. Anyway, as I'd guessed this lunch turned out to be him apologising again for his behaviour and how he has been that man in the past but has changed blah blah blah. How he cares so much about me and his feelings for me and how he has thought about it and me for the past 12 months. In the end we had a nice open discussion and it felt good at the time.However now in hindsight there are still things that bother me. Why act like that in the first place if you have turned over a new leaf? Did he only apologise because I got angry? Does he really care in any way for me or is he merely protecting his position? I don't think I have a specific question to ask you wise people but I am maybe looking for comfort in discussing this with someone, anyone. Confused, embarrassed, slightly hurt,
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at work, flirt, teasing, workplace
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2017):I don't think he has turned a new lead, he apologized because 1. you were angry and 2. he put HIMSELF in a situation where HIS inappropriate behavior could cause problems for HIM in the future.
My advice AVOID this man. If he tries to talk to you and it has nothing to do with work, tell him to go kick rocks and leave you alone. I think the ONLY way to get this man to stop, is by being VERY blunt.
YOU have nothing to gain from chasing or being chased by this man. HE is unavailable and quite the cad.
And yes, Like YCBS said, CONSIDER how his wife might feel.
So WHAT if he is attractive? I have no doubt that YOU if you really put your mind to it can find someone to date if that is what you one, but DO look for a fella AWAY from your work place.
Everything about his behavior is inappropriate and I just can't understand WHY you would agree to go to lunch with him. You are in your 30's, hopefully, by now you have learned to say NO or F! no! IT IS OK to say no to someone like this.
And even IF you flirted back and had banter you didn't "make" him kiss you. HE did that without consent and without respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and leave this slimy snail to himself.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 July 2017):Assuming this man is still married, in your shoes I would be polite and professional, but steer clear of any other contact. You CAN politely decline dinner/lunch/whatever he suggests, which includes kissing in the workplace with the stock response "Thank you, but I don't think that's a good idea".
Have you ever watched a cat play with a mouse? It will pounce on it, then let it go so that the mouse thinks it can get away. Then, as soon as the mouse has got so far, the cat will pounce again. This is repeated over and over, for hours sometimes. In my mind, you are the mouse and this man is the very controlling cat. He is playing with you. He KNOWS he has your interest, otherwise you would not have agreed to go for a meal with him.
That's in the past now, so move on. Be professionally friendly, be polite, but stop playing with cats, otherwise you will end up very hurt. How would you feel if you were his wife and he was doing what he is dong with a female colleague?
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